Alco mom with cancer back on the booze

LegacyUser

My mom went to rehab during the summer for alcoholism. She was diagnosed with bowel cancer in the last month and has started drinking again. She tried to hide it but I found the empty bottles over the weekend and she denied it until the very bitter end. I'm at my wits end with this woman. I have asked her to talk to her counselors and go to AA meetings etc. Shes using the cancer now as an excuse for her non attendance at AA meetings. I know I can't do any more for her. I'm fed up with the lies and ****ed up mind that her drinking causes. I feel like she hasn't learned anything from rehab. I went to all the family days and did all the things we were supposed to do. She has all her family around her despite the crap we have put up with. She was like a star patient while in there and now she is falling back to where she started, only this time there are more complications and she is better at lying. I don't know what I want from this thread other than a place to share the god awful foolishness of my mother. Thanks

C-J

Hi op, first of all I want to say i'm very sorry about your mothers situation. I am the daughter of an alcoholic and also lost my mother to cancer so I guess I have experience of both sides. I have studied drug and alcohol addiction, and what stands out at me is that your mother has already taken the steps in the past to tackle her drinking, which means that she knows that there is a problem. With regard to drinking and addictive behaviours there is a concept known as the wheel of change. The very first stage is pre contemplation ("leave me alone, i don't have a problem, mind your own business" etc), and the very last stage is lapse/relapse, so basically your mother has gone through all the stages and is back at pre contemplation. Relapse is triggered by a number of factors, but in your mothers case her illness was a traumatic event and she is using alcohol as her crutch again. As much as I know you are frustrated and annoyed especially in light of her illness, you need to remain calm. The theory behind interventions is non judgement. She is in a scary place, but please ask open ended questions and reinforce the dangers of her behaviour and will eventually plant the seed in her brain. Considering she was in rehab recently, are there any support networks there that she can lean on?

username123

alco_strain wrote: »

I know I can't do any more for her.

This is the important bit for you to keep in mind. You CANNOT do anything more for her. But there are things you can do for yourself. If she was in rehab and you did the family days etc you have probably heard of Alanon, you can get support for YOU there, the tools to help you deal with this awful situation.

My own father was an alcoholic, he died in an accident, but by the time he died I hadnt seen him sober in maybe 7-10 years, after his death we found hospital appointment letters (unopened in some cases) relating to bowel problems and possibly bowel cancer. He used to be in bitter denial as well. I remember one occasion where I walked into a room suddenly and he was drinking out of a bottle of vodka. When I said 'what are you doing with that bottle of vodka' he held the bottle behind his back and said 'what bottle, theres no bottle of vodka' - you cant reason with that kind of crazy behaviour - so dont even try. You'll only do your own head in.

You already know that there is nothing you can do so just try to look after you and get some support to help with the awful feelings of anger, frustration and hurt this terrible situation causes.

Morag

You can not make her do anything, you can't force her to get help or force her to under go any treatment.

You can how ever get help and support for yourself while you are dealing with her.
Al anon run meetings all over the country for friend, family, partner and spouses who are effected by the drinking of someone they love.

http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/meetings.htm

Get support, that way you can gather strength to deal with her.

LegacyUser

alco_strain wrote: »

My mom went to rehab during the summer for alcoholism. She was diagnosed with bowel cancer in the last month and has started drinking again. She tried to hide it but I found the empty bottles over the weekend and she denied it until the very bitter end. I'm at my wits end with this woman. I have asked her to talk to her counselors and go to AA meetings etc. Shes using the cancer now as an excuse for her non attendance at AA meetings. I know I can't do any more for her. I'm fed up with the lies and ****ed up mind that her drinking causes. I feel like she hasn't learned anything from rehab. I went to all the family days and did all the things we were supposed to do. She has all her family around her despite the crap we have put up with. She was like a star patient while in there and now she is falling back to where she started, only this time there are more complications and she is better at lying. I don't know what I want from this thread other than a place to share the god awful foolishness of my mother. Thanks

Similarities between your situation and mine, my mother didn't have cancer, but the lies and the "star patient" and the empty bottles and the denials. I resented her so much for denying the obvious, I felt insulted that she seemingly felt I was stupid and naiive enough to fall for her bare faced lies.

5 years of absolute horror that had a huge impact on my life (as my mother was unfit to look after my younger child brother and unfit to run the family business- I had to cover an awful lot for the sake of my brother and father who already had enough on his plate with his own job, him being the primary carer for my brother and having to deal with the stress of trying to deal with and help my mother) and the effect it had on me was to totally eliminate any positive feelings I had for my mother, I didn't care for her and I didn't love her.
Which actually helped me as it made it much easier to cope.

I don't know what I could say to you op, I always felt that nothing could be done, that there was no point in even trying. Its very hard to trust someone who routinely lets you down. It's hard to hold out any hope when you have tried almost everything possible and nothing has worked. Its hard to have any faith in someone who lies and cheats and tries to manipulate those around her at every turn.

The most important thing I'll say is this; Ultimately, there is not a lot you can do. At the end of the day (from my experience) it all boils down to how much the person wants to get better. If she doesn't want it enough, be prepared for the worst. And NEVER blame yourself. It's very easy to wonder "Am I doing enough? or Is this in any way my fault?"

Sometimes alcoholics recover, sometimes they don't. In conclusion; Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.