very down

LegacyUser

hi guys, wonder if anyone can shed some light on this?
Every so often I feel like I have a bit of a breakdown. I cry and cry and cry. I pick fights, I look for problems in my relationship and I generally think...whats the point? I lost my father three years ago in very tragic circumstances and I was hurt badly in a relationship soon after. Went on meeds for anxiety, went for many counseling sessions and a lot of the time i'm fine but i regularly find myself trying to find fault with my current relationship. He is the best person in the world and I know he understands why I get upset but I know his patience is wearing thin.
We don't see one another very often, and I pick faults with this. I got so upset last night that I drove home and have been crying since and feelings awful. I wish i could just take things as they come rather than stress and worry about things not being planned and whats going to happen. Its ruining me and possibly my bf.

StillWaters

I ouldn't read and not reply. I'm sorry about your Dad OP, and your hurt. How is your life outside your relationship? Do you have a fufilling job, hobbies, a circle of friends? You may be asking too much of your boyfriend by asking him to make you whole.

girlonfire

Hey OP, I'm sorry to hear about your Dad. That must be really difficult.x
It sounds like you're emotionally stretched/overwhelmed at the moment. Have you considered seeing a counsellor again? It might help to figure out what feelings/issues keep bubbling to the surface.

Pebbles68

Hi Op,
I'm not sure how much detail to go into and I'm not trying to interfere with your counselling but I was very similar to you in ways. I spent years doing things to sabotage relationships, going through mood swings and causing problems in relationships where they didn't exist. I went to 3 different sorts of therapy before I had my break through.

My dad died when I was very young so I never really knew him. My mam was in her 30's when he died and never even had another date with another man. I grew up thinking she was sad and lonely and at some level, deep in my subconscious I guess, I built this protect myself mentality. Deep down I didn't want to be hurt by a man either by leaving me or God forbid dying and leaving me heart broken. So I spent years driving people away before they got a chance to hurt me.

Now I'm not saying that you are doing the same thing but letting you know you're not alone and there is hope. I'm now with the man I love 10 years.

I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

LegacyUser

thanks for the replies. Yea I called a councellor today who ive been with before to see if she will see me this week. Im just so fed up of being ok for a few weeks and the it hits again. As i said im picking problems in my relationship and causing my boyfriend a horrible time. As he said himself - this weekend was hell. I say very nasty things to him. Dont know why; maybe to test the relationship. Its very sad I know but when I get like that I find it very hard to stop. I left him this morning crying and I feel so awful for everything. I think that one of the repliers is right - I do expect him to make me whole. And to go through everything Im going through, but I just dont think he understands...

LegacyUser

Pebbles68 wrote: »

Hi Op,
I'm not sure how much detail to go into and I'm not trying to interfere with your counselling but I was very similar to you in ways. I spent years doing things to sabotage relationships, going through mood swings and causing problems in relationships where they didn't exist. I went to 3 different sorts of therapy before I had my break through.

My dad died when I was very young so I never really knew him. My mam was in her 30's when he died and never even had another date with another man. I grew up thinking she was sad and lonely and at some level, deep in my subconscious I guess, I built this protect myself mentality. Deep down I didn't want to be hurt by a man either by leaving me or God forbid dying and leaving me heart broken. So I spent years driving people away before they got a chance to hurt me.

Now I'm not saying that you are doing the same thing but letting you know you're not alone and there is hope. I'm now with the man I love 10 years.

I hope you find the happiness you deserve.

Thank you for your reply - yes I think ur complety right- this is what im doing and its awful. can I ask you what helped? I wish I could stop. Mood swings, everything is just awful.

Pebbles68

OPHERE wrote: »

Thank you for your reply - yes I think ur complety right- this is what im doing and its awful. can I ask you what helped? I wish I could stop. Mood swings, everything is just awful.

I went to a hypnotherapist to help lose weight. It was during these sessions that I discovered being overweight was yet another way of making myself unattractive to men so I wouldn't end up getting hurt. Then suddenly the reason for all my negative behaviour became clear.

I posted about it before over on the psychology forum, but I think I broke some of the rules. It was during a session where the hypnotherapist did what he called Parts Therapy. It was amazing, fat me was negotiating with scared me and angry me. It sounds bizaar but it really was really powerful and i was able to see how my fears were ruining my life.

LegacyUser

hey, thanks for all replies. Did you just find after hypo that it was the self realization of what you were doing which helped you?

today is a bit better....trying my best just to get on with things and not focus on the negative