BF anxious and depressed, what more can I do?

LegacyUser

Where do I start? I've been with my boy for 5 years now, we love each other very much and by and large we have a great relationship. He has suffered from anxiety and depression since he was 17 (31 now) and it is quite deep rooted. Up until the last 6 months it was manageable as he was taking medication, had completed cbt a while before that and took care of his illness quite well (exercise, diet, not drinking much), it wasn't all plain sailing, there were low times but it wasn't anything that didn't pass.

Anyway, 6 months ago he decided to give up his medication, decided it wasn't doing much for him at this stage and spoke to his doctor who advised him on how to cut down gradually. The withdrawals from the meds were horrible, he was moody, irritable and bordering on breakdown at times. This went on for about 2 months and he stabilised somewhat. Here I should mention he is unemployed for the past year and has had quite a few knockbacks with the job hunt - enough to make the happiest of people down never mind him.

The last while though he has gotten very bad. There are days on end he won't leave the house. When we do go out to do something, he will very often have a panic attack and we have to go home, he hates crowds and the anxiety he is feeling is crippling him, even going to the shop is a struggle at times. My issue is that he won't do anything about it. He said at start of giving up his meds that if he needed to go back on them he would. Now he is saying that they don't do anything for him and he doesn't need them. I thought 'ok' maybe he can manage it by himself and for the last few weeks and didn't mention re-assessment or meds, but I can't help thinking that it is the only route to getting him back to 'normal' (by that I mean being able to go out with out feeling the world is caving in).

Thing is, 98% of the time I am supportive, I help however I can but realise that he is going through this and not me. I am going through the 2% at the moment where I am feeling very impatient with it all. The dog on the street could look at him and tell him he needs help of some description but he cant see it himself. I know there is no point in me forcing the issue, he needs to seek help himself and want to be helped.

I suppose what I want to know is how do others with depressed/anxious partners deal with these moments? What else can I do to help him? It's just taking over everything at the moment.

Ickle Magoo

I'm not sure there is much you can do - bar telling him how worried you are about him and that you cannot keep going on the way things are.

You also have to accept your limitations and acknowledge you are entitled to a full and satisfying life - if your boyfriend refuses to help himself, refuses to improve your life together, then you have to look after your own well-being and ensure you still have friends, go out and enjoy all life has to offer. That may well give him the jolt he needs to realise the life he's living isn't in anyway normal.

Do you know his doctor or his family well enough to ask that they get involved?

Miss Fluff

You poor thing, it must be so tough. I also think there must be a fine line between feeling like his girlfriend and his nurse.

I agree with Ickle insofar as you also have to look after yourself and your own interests and your own "self" as this could all too easily consume you.

The organisation Aware have a forum for the loved ones of those suffering from depression which you hopefully may find helpful. Some tips here also http://www.aware.ie/help/information/supporting_a_loved_one/

There's also a pretty active Long Term Illness forum on Boards and quite a substantial thread on Depression and Anxiety which may be worth taking a look at.

I've been in your shoes, albeit for a short time, and I had to get out. It took over everything and if the person refuses help or refuses to acknowledge the fact that they need to review treatment then you do at some stage need to assess whether you are happy to help someone who won't ultimately help themselves. Overly simplistic perhaps and maybe seemingly unsympathetic (I'm not, I think mental illness is an absolute cross to bear for those who have to endure it) but it can consume you and consume your relationship so don't ignore your own needs and wants or let it drag you down too....

toitle

rYou have my sympathies.
I recently broke up with a girl who I (still) love who was suffering from depression for the last year and a half at least.
We had been together 2 and a half years and had been friends before that.
At first I was trying to suggest ways that might lift her out of it.
Similar to yourself,the majoirty of the time I was supportive but eventually it wore me down.
I stopped looking forward to seeing her and was always wondering what would be the matter this time.
Having suffered from depression on and off myself I could see the signs.I was trying to persuade her to see a counsellor but she wasn't ready/willing/able to.
Unfortunately in the end,my patience was gone and (to my deepest regret) I ended up hurting her looking for a break.

I would agree with the poster who said to note the difference between a girlfriend and nurse.
I tried to be both a partner and counsellor/nurse to my ex and it didn't work out very well.
My heart goes out to you,it's a tough situation,but the hard truth is only the person can change it,not you.

My ex now seems to be taking steps to change her situation and I am delighted for her.
My mistake was that I allowed the frustration to build up before I sought the break.
I hope it works out for you and your b/f.
Good luck

LegacyUser

Thank you for the replies, I was kinda hoping there was some magic cure or something I hadn't thought of yet but I know deep down there isn't. I have a good life myself and I've gotten used to going places and doing things by myself/ (without him) it's just lately he seems to be depressed and anxious all the time. I don't want to break up with him, I love the fecker but this isn't living for him and i'm losing patience with it all.

We had a chat and he reckons if he puts more effort into living well and taking more control of his life he will get better. I'm going to give it a few more weeks and keep a diary for that time, if things improve good and well, if not I will push for treatment and maybe lay it all out for him as he has a tendancy to forget the bad when he has a lift in mood. I could contact his mum as she has helped him before when he was really bad at the start of it, but he would hit the roof and she would probably worry quite a lot too, I will defo consider speaking to her though depending on how things go as we get on quite well.

Any more nuggets of advice gladly appreciated, thnks.