Boyfriend's brother

LegacyUser

I'll try to keep this short. I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we have a great relationship. He has an older brother who I've always thought to me an amazing guy. He is very caring, helpful, thoughtful etc. My boyfriend looks up to him so much and is always trying to live up to the things he does and impress him. The older brother is quite harsh on him always and is always putting him down.

Anyway, last week we were at the brother's house for dinner and once again the brother was berating my boyfriend. When my boyfriend went to the bathroom I said nicely (but maybe slightly firm) to the brother: "try not to be so hard on him always - he really is trying so hard to live up to you".

The brother went ballistic. He raised his voice considerably to the point he was almost shouting. My boyfriend came back from the bathroom to the commotion - he didnt know what was going on. The brother shut up instantly when he came back and just said we were having a heated debate on politics. However, what the brother actually said while my boyfriend was in the bathroom was that if I have a I have a problem with him then I have a problem with his family and if I have a problem with his family then I should leave.

He was just going crazy at me shouting. He went on to say if I have a problem with the family then what am I doing with my boyfriend and all this stuff. A week has since passed and Im still fuming about it. I can barely talk to my boyfriend Im so upset about some of the stuff his brother said. I feel bad about it as its not my boyfriends fault. I now never want to see the brother again and so can never go to the family home again. I just dont know how to deal with the situation.

Elmidena

Time heals all wounds; I refused to go to my OH's home for a long long time as I had flareups in my direction for no reason. The brother probably has a bigger issue and is scapegoating your boyfriend--maybe job, women or financial struggles. Could be substance/alcohol abuse either, but most likely he's been allowed to feel like the man of the house and has been let away with it so long that it's second nature to him now.

You can barely talk to your boyfriend....ok this you need to remedy asap, or he'll think something's going on or you're wanting to break up. He might even think you're at it with the brother if you have a row when he's not around, don't talk about the content when he came back and then give him a cold shoulder for a week. Talking to him about it won't be easy as it'll put him as piggy in the middle, but he has a right to know. Say ye break up and the brother is the same A-hole til he drives everyone away who could ever bring happiness to anyone else?

I don't understand something; the brother's very caring, thoughtful, helpful etc...but is always putting the other down. That's not normal or realistic. It's a bear trap snapping shut once the dust has settled on the ground. A better example might be Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. What do the parents think of this, are they fine with it, or scared of the son, or not around much to notice? Depending on how old ye are, it could be worthwhile moving in together, or just taking a break somewhere private for a couple of weeks. It's not a healthy atmosphere for you or your partner, and it will only deepen wounds or resentment the longer he's there. He needs to realise that his brother is not an idol, and won't appreciate his efforts if he never has done before. He needs to find his own identity and validate it to himself, not to others.

Big Bag of Chips

I have a feeling rather than being "caring and loving and kind", the brother is more of a charmer who knows exactly what he's doing and saying and knows exactly the sort of image he wants to portray.

You've now sort of uncovered what he's really like, and he doesn't like that. Have a chat with your boyfriend. You should be able to talk to him and clear the air.

Be prepared for him to have a bit of a go at you for confronting his brother... because that is something that nobody has ever done.

You can have a relationship with your bf without his brother bring involved. Don't allow yourself to be belittled it treated badly by him. He will now try gain back his dominant place the next time he sees you both, by maybe taking digs at you aswell as your bf.

Let him know, very subtly and calmly that while his family may be willing to put up with his bs, you're not. This doesn't have to be confrontational, but if he starts saying things to you, look at him, and ask him very calmly (and sweetly!)... "why do you say that".. "why do you think that?"... "i wouldn't necessarily agree with that..".

Those sort of answers. You're not causing a fight, it confrontation but you will be letting him know that you don't have to out up with his superior attitude just because everyone else accepts it.

Edit: if the brothers raised his voice considerably then your bf heard a bit if what was going on. Unless their house is huge and the bathroom is in a different wing! The brother is the dominant one in the family, and the family have just grown to accept that and don't challenge it. That is why your bf is pretending he doesn't know what happened! He may never be able to change the dynamics of his family (because its their "norm" now), but you don't have to get caught up in it too. Talk to you bf. Encourage him to he proud of who he is etc.

Firetrap

I think you definitely should tell your boyfriend what happened. It is affecting things already and it'd be a shame if it did damage to your relationship. As Big Bag of Chips said, he might be annoyed that you raised the issue with his brother but it's better to come clean.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies - they were very helpful and well thought out too. I told my boyfriend everything today. He was very understanding and said his brother is very stressed about work at the moment and so maybe just lashed out at me unintentionally. He was glad I told him as he hated seeing me so upset all week. Im still just so upset by the brother though. I really feel I don't want to see him anytime soon which is hard considering it's coming up to Christmas and Im probably going to have to at some stage.

Big Bag of Chips

His brother being stressed is no excuse for his attitude towards your bf and now you. He's just showing his true colours, in my opinion.

I know the next time you see him it will feel awkward, but just remind yourself..you've done nothing wrong. He is at fault, and if his reaction to you was purely because of stress, then you should also be in line for an apology from him...!

However awkward you may feel, just keep things polite with him. Don't allow yourself to be drawn into his ego boost. My guess on what will happen is he will ignore it completely and carry on "as normal".

I'm glad that you discussed it with your bf.

Fentdog84

i dont know if you can really win here with this one op. The brother seems to have this massive hold over your bf. At the end of the day they are brothers. There is a longstanding dynamic going on there that you cant really tap into, whatever your opinion that of may be. The fact is the brother saw you threatening that dynamic, hence the angry outburst. Put it this way, if say your own sister's(if you have one) bf/husband started dictacting to you about your relationship, would you be pleased? Getting involved in sibling/family relationships can be dangerous territory. Its up to your bf to man up if you like and to stop being such a doormat to the brother. But thats not really within your control. Best just stay out of it as much as possible or to end your relationship with your bf altogether if its too much for you to handle.