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What's wrong with me?

  • 25-11-2011 9:13pm
    #1
    LegacyUser
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 166,026 ✭✭✭✭


    I feel as if I have absolutely no control over my emotions regarding my boyfriend. I have been with him for several months now but the last couple of weeks there has been a constant mental battle in my head over weather I should break up with him or not. I only see him at the weekends and when I'm around him I am crazy about him. I find him so interesting and attractive and love spending time with him. We don't see each other during the week, as we both go to different colleges, and I find myself constantly thinking about breaking up with him during the week. Though when I see him and spend time with him at the weekends, I could never imagine doing it.

    During the week though, I think such horrible and resentful thoughts towards him. I'm constantly thinking about breaking up with him and just think such angry thoughts, but then at the weekend, when I'm with him, I am so happy and really do care so much about him. I don't understand why I think like that during the week. I feel as if I'm going crazy with this constant up and down, up and down with my feelings.

    This week was especially bad, I couldn't even bring myself to talk to him properly on the phone. I really just don't understand myself at all and it is really getting me down. I feel so disloyal towards him because of my secret, horrible thoughts during the week. I know it isn't him, because when I was with someone before I had the same problem. Constantly questioning weather I should be with him, should I dump him etc etc

    After my last relationship I had filled myself with such negative thoughts towards all guys that I found it hard to be attracted to anyone (in a sort of asexual sense) I'm going through a lot of strain at the moment concerning my family so I don't know if that has affected how I feel but I do know this boy has been the only one to spark any sort of romantic feelings in about a year and a half.

    I actually have a pain in my stomach thinking about him now, I don't know why. These feelings are completely unfounded, I don't know whats wrong with me. I imagine myself always being this way and being unable to get married because I'm so mentally unbalanced sometimes. I don't know what to do. I know if I broke up with him there is a very big chance I'd regret it, and when I'm around him I couldn't imagine breaking up with him....I just don't know anymore :(:(


Comments

  • #2
    Oryx
    Subscribers Posts: 19,425 ✭✭✭✭Oryx


    I dont know whats wrong with you, I just get a sense from your posts that you are angry, and you are directing that anger at this guy. You already know he hasnt done anything to deserve it. But dont beat yourself up so much about these feelings, because its not helping you, and I dont think its a deliberate thing. So, you have these horrid thoughts about him. You know what? He has no idea. The thoughts are not hurting him (right now). So ease up on yourself about that, first. Let go of that guilt.

    I just think that for what ever reason, you need an emotional outlet at the moment and directing it all at him is your escape valve. You are under strain, and need someone to lean on, but its coming out all wrong because when youre with him you push down your negative feelings and just do the happy stuff. You go back to whatever is upsetting you when youre not with him, and its like a seesaw, up and down, happy and sad. No wonder your head is wrecked. This hidden sadness/anger is not something you can go on doing though, as its really not helping you, just tying you up in even more guilty knots.

    Do you have access to any counselling services in your college? It might not hurt to see if you can chat to someone about your feelings, to see where they are coming from. Its not to do with the guy youre with, you need to understand where its coming from so that you can have a more healthy relationship with this guy (or anyone else in your future).

    Lastly, dont think too far into the future and fret about whether youll ever get married, its only adding an extra layer of worry that you dont need. Get today sorted and try not to worry about far off things that you dont need to think on yet.


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