Funny or Strange Things The Gardai have said.....

pudzey101

I was with a mate who got pulled one night , guard pulled him for no tail lights, mate got out and banged the rear light cluster , lights came back on and the guard said "i suppose if you hit your window,tax is gonna appear is it?"

haha was laughing for ages after that one

anyone else have something good?

Atomic Pineapple

[MOD WARNING] Keep this nice and civil and to funny quotes only, any Garda bashing or anything along those lines will see posters getting a ban and the thread being closed, consider this a one and only warning.

--Kaiser--

A mate was driving around and was stopped by the Gardai. He had a look around and everything seems to be in order. He then puts his hand on the bonnet and sticks his head in the window
"You're bonnet's fierce warm, have you been racing around?"
"Ughh, well, the engines's in the back...."
(he was driving an MR2!)

charlemont

We were waiting on some girls one night and the guards came and started searching us so once the girls came on the scene and saw what was going on they turned and drove away and then one of the guards said "We're better than any contraception".

tossy

"Is it a low flying jet you are driving these days" said to a mate in an XR2 fiesta years ago.

"Are you only going to crash when you see me" said to my auld lad as he pulled the seat belt across and tried to buckle it approaching a check point.

"No you did nothing wrong at all,i just heard this car was in the area and wanted to have a good look at it" said to the owner of my old car.

"I never seen one before so said i'd pull you over for a chat" said to a guy with a GTI polo.

"you might think of changing your English license for an Irish one so as to avail of the points system" said to another mate with a UK license,i was gonig to lean across and ask him had he a catalogue of the gifts on offer and how many points did i need to get a watch

Midnight_EG

Stopped at a checkpoint coming into Terenure, with an M5 in front of me...Garda walks over and says 'Jesus, you're disc holders are posher than his! *points at the M5* 'That's good to see, go on' :P


A week ago, Garda checkpoint in Tallaght...Garda spots my front reg in the dash and asked what the story was...I said I thought it looked better without it on the bumper. He , no lie, asked me for a picture of it with it on, so I showed him one on my phone and he says 'Yeah, looks much better...but get it sorted'

colm_mcm

pudzey101 wrote: »

I was with a mate who got pulled one night , guard pulled him for no tail lights, mate got out and banged the rear light cluster , lights came back on and the guard said "i suppose if you hit your window,tax is gonna appear is it?"

haha was laughing for ages after that one

anyone else have something good?

I heard that gag on a Brendan grace cassette in the late 80s...

--Kaiser--

Another couple I heard off a different site, both told to lads who were tipping it a bit

"Well, have Air Traffic control cleared you for take-off?"

and

"How are we today Mr Schumacher?"

colm_mcm

--Kaiser-- wrote: »

Another couple I heard off a different site, both told to lads who were tipping it a bit

"Well, have Air Traffic control cleared you for take-off?"

and

"How are we today Mr Schumacher?"

Both done on Patrick kieltys first stand-up video 15 odd years ago


Maybe the guards learn these in templemore?

DjKlubster

One Me mates was telling me that he was with his father on the way to the mart!! And had a trailer wid cattle in it on the back.. The Gaurds Stopped them and asked is there something wrong with the suspension in the back,'its very low' he said!! ha my mates father turned to him and said the cattle arent light!! The gaurd turned and looked at the trailor and walked away!!ha

Another night i went into town for the few laps with one of my mates and the gaurds stopped him.. Asked Him Was He A Taxi?? We were like what?? He repeated And my mate was like no?? Gaurd replied with '' so you just drive around town all night?? My mate replied with ''Well........Ya??'' The Gaurd just drove off!! i must Say we were in stitches laughing afterwards!:D

iCosmopolis

I was stopped a couple of years ago at a garda checkpoint, couple of days after I had bought the car, so hadn't got my discs yet. I had the paperwork from the garage as back up stuck in the disc holder-he had a look, noted the purchase date April 15th and says " Ah..the day the Titanic sank...enjoy the rest of your evening"

projectgtr

Best ive heard (wasnt me ) was Guard-"How come you dont have your wipers on??".... Driver-"because its not raining"...... Guard-"So why do you have your foglights on????"

pudzey101

Actually thinking back when i was 17 and had my very 1st car (starlet)
I was pulled in talking to a group of lads in the town, and 2 guards appeared out of no-where searched car,questions all that.. when they where leaving , one turns around an says to me "do ya mind turning down the music on that stereo a small bit, theirs people sleeping" He said that whilst talking over the noise coming from the local nightclub no further than 20-30 yards away from him

I did but just coudnt get my head around it for the night hahah

mik_da_man

I was pulled over once when leaving the local town where the limit goes from 50 to 100 km, I nailed it just after the mimit changed
Guard said "its a limit, not a target"

Another time I was driving around town at night, but just had my parking lights on, forgot to put the dips on.Guard says:
"So do you eat your carrots then"
I honestly had on clue what he was on about and just stared blankly back at him.... He just laughed at my expression and told me to turn them on.
Aparrently carrots can make u see in the dark

Recently had a tough day at work I was driving like a bit of an idiot on the way home. Doing a bit of speeding and undertook an unmarked car at one stage, didnt relaise it till a few miles down the road when I slowed down and he caught up, pulled me over and just said " It's a good job you slowed down, we would have lost you otherwise, you've got a lovely fast car there, just take it handy" and just headed off, I thought I was in for a bag of points.

Big_Budda

friends got pulled over in the town,garda say's ''have you anything on you you shouldnt have?'' one guy says ''yeah,dirty boxers''
...he didnt appreciate the humour one bit

Midnight_EG

Big_Budda wrote: »

friends got pulled over in the town,garda say's ''have you anything on you you shouldnt have?'' one guy says ''yeah,dirty boxers''
...he didnt appreciate the humour one bit

That reminds me of one that happened to a friend...Garda says have you got anything you shouldn't have, mate replies with 'yeah, a bit of coke'...garda says give it over so, mate hands over a half empty bottle of Coke and says 'please don't tell my Mam, I'm not allowed have Coke'

:pac:

challengemaster

The one decent garda I've met was at a checkpoint one very late night I was going from sligo to home, pretty much the only car on the road. Ended up chatting for about 15 minutes. Chatting about everything from college to lads from my neck of the woods stationed in the same area...

He ended up basically agreeing with me that the local (to me) sergent at the time was a bit of a bollix, and it was generally known in AGS too!

pudzey101

Haha some good ones there lads keep em coming ! Sure we'l have plenty come Xmas

DaveJac

twincam i owned had a roll cage, were parked up one night guards came in had a good look around the car was asking did i entend rolling the car with that cage he taught he was very funny

hrcbob

Was out on a vintage run a few years back in my 3 litre capri.. Came to a 5 way junction and said id "leave a marker" for my mates that were following without realising there was a copper hiding across the road.. got 100 yards before the blues lit the mirrors.. Pulled in and got a grilling bout nct /tax (car hadnt turned 30 at the time) When i explained The situation that it was only a few months away and that i didnt use it much he calmed a bit..
I was out of the car explaininging my case when he sees the v6 badge on the back and questions me on it.. "Oh yea its a 3 litre v6" he has a long look at me .. "show us a look den " he says I happily enough lift the lid for him to say.. " Jaysus no wonder you were sideways back the road so.. Go on wit you.. Next time youre around these parts youd better behave"

JimmyCrackCorn

Years ago I got pulled over in the Silvia before they appeared everywhere. I used to get pulled over everywhere as it stuck out like a soar thumb.

So I arrived at a checkpoint and it was the first week of breath testing without suspicion. I had imported the car three days and been pulled over four times.

I roll down the window and the speech begins, me being in an odd mood and the misses beside me I pipe up and said

"Bloody hell you must be knackered form saying that speech all night."
"I have always wanted to do this, do I blow in here"

She chuckles and waves me on. At this stage a second guard is trying to figure out what the hell the car is by reading the insurance disk. Now I think about it maybe he was checking out my misses.


"Hold on he will want to talk to me about tax."

As I fished an envelope about 30 pages thick out of the glove box.

He waved me on with a half confused and shocked look on his face.

mecanoman

A few years ago i was leaving the city, in the Impreza coming towards

Smithfield.

I could see a dark Corrolla coming up fairly fast in the inside lane.

Had a feeling he was gonna undertake me,(fecking hate it)so floored

it a bit. He drew up beside he as i slowed down at the lights.

I looked over(Mrs giving out, telling me to behave)

Four Gardai smiling over at me. I went "Oh God" I'm gonna get harmmered.

But he just gave he's car a few rev's then drove off as the lights changed.

Marlow

I was parked at the side of the road in the M5 near enough to where I live waiting for a friend to catch up with me. An unmarked garda car drives past us, turns into the next side road, comes back out again 3 minutes later, drives up to me and rolls the window down.

Garda - "That's a fair car you have there. Better make sure you hide the keys in a safe place at night. "

He also wanted to know, why I was parked on the side of the road. When I responded, that I was waiting for a mate catching up in my other car, he goes "What's that ? A Ferrari ?".

/M

Eric Cartman

During the last election(2006/7 or whenever the last one in the good times was) a lad I went to school with was driving around in his mas car (on a provisional) with some lads in the car, one of them had robbed an election poster, the gards pulled him over for speeding and asked where his fully licenced driver was, he turned round and pointed at the poster and said 'shure havent i got enda kenny in the back' , got away with it too

Muckie

Was sat at the lights coming out of Liffey valley a few years back,

unmarked squad car pulls up in the bus lane beside us as some drug

addicts suffled across the road. Next thing "Cops" sound track comes

blaring from the Garda car! "Bad boyz what ya gonna do...."

Geekness1234

That's not a fag,that's happy grass!

Bohrio

Many years ago my mom was driving on the highway when she was stopped by a traffic\police car... when ur man asked her "Do you know why I stopped you?" she replied "because you couldnt catch the others in front?"... very embarrassing... hehee

BlackBlade

Cop stops me on the bike, looks it up and down then looked at me..

"Thats some fookin yolk to go"

Mate stopped in a transit one night, it was fairly misty out.
cop: "you were going a little quick for the conditions out tonight, what if you came around a corner and ran into mister fog?"
transit driver: well Id press mister brake!
cop: are you trying to be funny???
Transit driver: you started it with your mister fog!
cop: I said MIST OR FOG...
cop seen the funny side of it, after laughing his head off sent him on his way lol..

tossy

BlackBlade wrote: »

Cop stops me on the bike, looks it up and down then looked at me..

"Thats some fookin yolk to go"

Mate stopped in a transit one night, it was fairly misty out.
cop: "you were going a little quick for the conditions out tonight, what if you came around a corner and ran into mister fog?"
transit driver: well Id press mister brake!
cop: are you trying to be funny???
Transit driver: you started it with your mister fog!
cop: I said MIST OR FOG...
cop seen the funny side of it, after laughing his head off sent him on his way lol..

Thats an old Owen o' Neill joke albeit slightly murdered

little big planet 2

Jesus lads i don't know what's more bald, his head or your tyres

dgt

Garda: "Theres something wrong with your suspension, I nearly ran into the back of you"

Me: "That would suggest that theres something wrong with your brakes..."



PSNI: "Are ya tryin to commit suicide with that seatbelt?"

Gardai: (just after rolling a car) "Lads, are yous sure yous are alright? Would you like to go to a&e? Here, I'll bring yous back to the station, I'll get out some tea an biscuits for ye, must be an awful shock... (we politely declined) Well if youre sure lads, I hope the man in that house looks after ye (wed just demolished his hedge) I'd better go look for this white car this eeeejit dragged me out to look for, take care lads...." What a sound garda!

MetzgerMeister

Excellent idea for a thread and thankfully, one worthy of staying out of the créche :P

3 years ago when I only had the RX8 about a week, I was coming through the square in town, turned left at the top to go home. A bit after I turned onto this road, I saw the blues in my rearview mirror so I pulled in.

3 Gardai pop out, one of whom (Garda 1) says to me "you were flying down the square", to which I replied, no I wasn't (I was actually doing 40ish in a 50). The other 2 Gardai were walking around my car gawking at it and here's how the conversation went:

Garda 2: (looking at tax disc) It's a 1.8
Garda 1: No, it's a 2.6, I'm telling ya!
Garda 2: Come here and look at the fecken disc!
Garda 1: I won't, I know it's a 2.6, you're wrong.
Garda 2: David (Me), what is it?
Me: explained the whole mystery behind the rotary engine.
Garda 1: So we were both kind of right. We were arguing over it when we saw you one day and that's why we stopped you. Thanks!
Garda 3: (walking back to the squad car) Ye fecken eejits!

pudzey101

Haha Brilliant lads !!:) Keep em coming
Iv one i got texted there over the weekend
One me mates ran a red light (it was 4am and both ways were clear)next thing gets hauled in..
Cop: what do you do wen u see a red light?
Him: I dip her for oil mate
Cop: be on your way now !

wish all guards where the same as this lol !

seanybiker

One of me mates got pulled over on his scooter a few years back and the female guard was going to do him for not displaying an insurance disc and having no Nct. The male cop just told her to get back in the car and learn the rules.

roryq69

Was a few years ago but i had benn given an endorsement on my lisence after an accident. A few months later i was driving home from the cinema on a friday nite and this female garda stands in the middle of the road about 50 meters in front of the squad car(that has its headlights still on) and i just see her waving this ****ty little torch at me to stop. Almost ran her over. She comes storming around to the window and starts giving me a good ear ache. When she stopped ranting i asked her if she was finished to which she replied "yes". I then told her to piss off and do something usefull like turn off her headlights(wasnt having the best of nights). She then demanded to see my lisence which i practically threw at her and upon reading it very intensly told me i shouldnt be driving with an endorsement. Told her to get off her power trip and learn the rules of the road. She went across the road to another garda and he just laughed at her. Her sergent was down the road a bit and she went to him, He took my lisence from her came up to me handed me the lisence and said " you just cant get good help anymore". Must have been her time of the month cause she's been sound ever since.

copeyhagen

pulled over in the r33 on the M1 on my way to armagh 2 years ago.

went by a parked up car at about 120kmh, turned out to be an unmarked garda car sitting there with lights off ect.

i copped the car pull out and come up behind me so slowed and switched lane.

bout 15 minutes later they pull me over.

i was on provisional at the time. they asked me 30 questions regarding my insurance etc. had full licence driver with me.

then he says "do you know why i pulled you over?"
me "no?"
him "the lights on the back of your car, where it says skyline is too bright"
me "your joking?"
him "nope, get it sorted"
me "ciao"

RoundItDown

I was parked on the side of a road one night with a mate in the car waitin for a friend minding our own buisness and out of nowhere a squad car pulls up. The guard came over n i rolled the down window, first thing he says "lads was that you shoutin abuse at the prostitutes". Apparently hookers roam that street.

Another time i was in my mates car parked up the mountains and the guards show up n search the car. A female guard finds a kango drill in the boot n says "jasus i could have some fun with that thing".

Testament1

RoundItDown wrote: »

Another time i was in my mates car parked up the mountains and the guards show up n search the car. A female guard finds a kango drill in the boot n says "jasus i could have some fun with that thing".

Perfect time to ask her if she enjoys a good drilling!

seanybiker

Twin is a cop up the country.
Anyways he was going along in the squad car a few days ago and noticed 3 cars parked in disabled parking places. Two of them moved out when they seen the squad car. Brother went over to the chap that stayed. Me man was in his car rubbing his dog. Brother asked him for disabled permit. Me man said he didn't have one but his wife hurt her leg and she was doing her shopping and would be back in a few minutes. Brother said no bothers ill wait and check her disabled permit. The chap went mad and started abusing him. Yer man got fined

Storminateacup

Years ago, when I was mad into the modified cars and the bad boys that drove em, this one Saturday night we were sitting up at an u18 disco, waitin for the boyfriends brother. I was sitting in the front seat next to the boyfriend, fooling about... DS pull in infront of him, and get out. One is trying to peer in through the tinted windows but sure could see nothing... The other one walked around to the drivers window and rapped on it. Shane rolled the window down a tiny bit - alls that were out was the whites of his eyes, so the guards staring into his eyes with 50 questions.

"I suppose you're up here tryin to get yer hole".

Shane let's the window down a little more and I wave out and the cheeky git says "Ah you're sorted ya have the mot with you" :eek:

Bearcat

It must have been standard Garda fair to address speeding driver as Mr Schummacher all those years ago......I too was nabbed hittin it hard early one morning on the m50 and was addressed with the same line......got away with it too.

fanadman1

around halloween there we were stoped and searched for fireworks :L
the ban garda found a harness for a ram to mark which sheep he has covered :P i was asked what it was and when she found out befor putin it back between her finger and her thumb she pointed out that her parthner could do with it for some of the dirty yocks he bes chancein :L sound woman evan if she did seach us

Keith in cork

Got stopped on a monday night @ 1.15am In castlemartyr. 3 of us in a vw transporter van.
Pull up to the checkpoint, garda asks

Garda :"where ye coming from at this hour
Me (smile) "you sure you want to know"
Garda (not smiling) "Don't be smart"
Me "We came up earlier tonight to buy a car with a mate, he's a subaru head so naturally he was talkin ****e with the guy he was buying the car off about equal and un-equal length headers. I got bored so did a summersault off the roof of the van into a ditch. Drove back to bandon and realised I lost me house keys so came back up"
Garda: "Did ye damage the ditch"?

yourpics

Stopped at a checkpoint one night, Garda asks to see my licence. Gave him my licence (normal Irish drivers licence). He says "What's this?"
I didn't bother answering.

Must have been a newbie!

superstoner90

yourpics wrote: »

Stopped at a checkpoint one night, Garda asks to see my licence. Gave him my licence (normal Irish drivers licence). He says "What's this?"
I didn't bother answering.

Must have been a newbie!

But you would think he would have seen a DL before. :pac:

yourpics

superstoner90 wrote: »

But you would think he would have seen a DL before. :pac:

Exactly! Maybe he was confussed or nervous and blurted out the wrong thing!

Pdfile

was in my banger on the way to louth and got tugged, gaurds didn't say much, usual checks and on we went;

next day coming back in a friends Really badly kitted lancer we got tugged again ( no tax ) same gaurd and he says "jasus ye went from bad to worse, how'd ye manage that ?? "


hi soloum face had me like a bag of lego, my mates 5-6k "investment" had him freaked which made me chuckle more.

im a sucker for dry humour

4wd

in this time of unpresidented crime i got stoped in rathmines by two big counrty ban gardas and told i could not drive with tinted windows depsite my ole friends in the nct passing the car 2 week previous

i wound down the four glasses asked under what heading of the road traffic act she was quoteing from to which she had no responce**************

silly cow learn the law befor u try to enforce it

JimmyCrackCorn

4wd wrote: »

in this time of unpresidented crime i got stoped in rathmines by two big counrty ban gardas and told i could not drive with tinted windows depsite my ole friends in the nct passing the car 2 week previous

i wound down the four glasses asked under what heading of the road traffic act she was quoteing from to which she had no responce*************

silly cow learn the law befor u try to enforce it

As it is an indication of a possible illegal action and in order to comply with the rules of the forum i have to edit the post.

Can you please read the forum rules and understand that boards.ie needs to be squeaky clean. I understand it may fly on other forums but not here.


Please read the rules before you cause a mod to have an embolism.

TheDoc

Nothing outragous like some of the posts above

But years ago were sitting on my mates car having a chipper and an unmarked car roaming around pulled in beside us and searched us and the car for drugs. We never touched drugs but at that age were just nervy

While the fella rooted around the car two of us were hands out over the bonnet and she was doing the pat down and checking pockets.

As she was searching my mate she grabbed a hold of something and asked "whats that!" to which my mate kinda pushed himself of the bonnet and embarrasingly replied " well , me you know what"

"I wont ask again what was that"


After a few seconds of awkwardness she finally coped on that while she was searching him she'd caused him to get a bit excited....

She got a bit flustered and was apologising and that she didnt know and the male guard was having a bit of a laugh. We all agreed we would forget it and just move on


Of course my mate still goes on about how he got a tug from a Guard....

Sempai

During the foot and mouth at the border, Garda was on duty and it was raining heavy. Young Driver came up to the checkpoint and opened his window ever so slightly.
Garda: Can I see you licence?
Driver - Hands it through the gap on the window.
Garda: Can you open your boot please?
Driver - Presses a button to open the boot.
Garda checks it and all is ok.
Garda: Now sir, do you have a button to close the boot? ...and walks off