torn-need some relationship advice

billygoat12

I have been in a relationship for the last 8 years throughout my twenties. I met my girlfriend right after college. As we approach our late twenties, its kind of "make or break" time for us. Through a process of silent mutual consent, we have both ignored the big questions and next steps for years. ("should we move in together", "do we want kids","will we one day get married"). It got to the stage where all of our coupled up friends kind of thought we were a weird couple for not living together after so long and for not spending every waking hour with each other. But it didnt really bother us, and while we liked spending time together, we never really had to sacrifice anything from our own personal lives to be together. Which is ideal really I suppose.:cool:

Now my other half has stated that she wants to settle down. She is not putting me under pressure to move in with her and have kids right now, but she has said that that is where she wants to get to, and she has just looked for assurance from me that I am on the same page. The problem is I am not so sure myself. I love being around her, we have great fun and rarely argue, but my gut is telling me no. Over the years it feels like we are more like good friends than boyfriend/girlfriend. We have a similar sense of humour and some common interests, and an OK sex life. We do have different outlooks on life. It’s been in the back of my head for years that I felt like I have missed out on "my twenties" and that I have thought for years that I would need to go out on my own before I could ever settle down, as I feel there are a lot of things I want to do on my own, places I want to see and interesting people out there to meet. I really want to spend some time on my own, have fun with my friends and be single (not just to chase tail, but to just be my own man and figure out what I want from life). Lately my eyes have been wandering, and I’m really ashamed of that. I haven’t done anything out of bounds, but I feel like I’m betraying her just thinking about these things.

It’s like I’ve known for years that we probably won’t end up together but my hand is only being forced now. How do I figure out if I am a commitment phobe or if my gut is really telling me whats right? Will I ever convince myself that I haven’t missed out on the single life? Should I just go for it, cut loose on my own and see what happens? This has been on my mind for about a year now. Any advice?

The Lovely Muffin

You need to have a frank chat with your partner and discuss this now.

she has just looked for assurance from me that I am on the same page.

What did you tell her when she told you she wants to settle down? Did you tell her straight out or even indicate that you don't want the same thing?

Lately my eyes have been wandering

So your eyes have been wandering but you haven't done anything, do you think you would ever do anything behind your girlfriends back?

It’s like I’ve known for years that we probably won’t end up together but my hand is only being forced now

Frankly OP, this comes across (to me anyway) selfish.

You've known for years that you and your girlfriend probably won't end up together, yet instead of speaking to her, you continued on.

R.D. aka MR.D

From what your saying I think a break would be the best thing for you two.

But it has to be a proper break where you tell her it is over and don't be leading her on by hinting that you might want to settle down after sowing your wild oats for a while. After the break cut contact for at least a year.

She deserves to be with some one who is on the same page as her and doesn't resent her as the person who ate up their twenties.

You deserve to be happy.

A break will be very painful for you both but it might turn out to be the best thing for you both.

Miss Fluff

Now my other half has stated that she wants to settle down. She is not putting me under pressure to move in with her and have kids right now, but she has said that that is where she wants to get to, and she has just looked for assurance from me that I am on the same page

What answer did you give her when she has asked for such an assurance? I sense that you feel you were put on the spot a little but surely after eight years you had some expectation that this topic would arise at some stage? All I'd say is do not lead her on with false promises, i.e. do not tell her that you absolutely see a future with her and then dumpe her out of the blue.

I've been in your exact same situation by the way and it is not an easy decision to make.

It’s like I’ve known for years that we probably won’t end up together but my hand is only being forced now. How do I figure out if I am a commitment phobe or if my gut is really telling me whats right?

If you leave this girl it is a giant leap of faith into the great unknown tbh. If you just want to chase tail then that is a p1ss poor excuse and you'll probably end up totally gutted. BUT If you now see your girlfriend as more of a friend and can possibly imagine life without her then you have some serious thinking to do.

All I will say is, when you know if someone is right for you then you just know. Mr. Fluff and I got engaged recently (oh yes we did and we are so happpppppppppy - I really wish there were heart smileys :D) and when he proposed not for one moment did I hesitate, I love him so very much and marrying him is the most natural thing in the world for us.

What I'd say is think carefully about what you want but you have to remember that your girlfriend is a stakeholder in all of this too so if it's not right don't let it drag on ad nauseum.

Like I say, I've been in your shoes and it's quite a painful decision to make - I wish you well.

nowyouresix

All I can say is.... If in doubt..get out !!

Quirkygirl

I think you have answered your own question my friend. You should reread your post. You have the answer you just need reassurance. You have to trust yourself. You do need to be honest with your partner. You say you have an ok sex life. Is ok what you want. Are u truly happy? Is the answer is no then there it is? All the things you want to do, travel etc if you truly loved your partner she wouldn't be holding you back, it's as if you feel you have been sacrificing or missing out on something by being in a relationship. If you are with the right person they should enhance who
You are. You should be able to do all your crazy stuff some just you and some together. Also you talk about settling down. I'm confused? I'm married but I'm certainly not settled down. That's precludes to
Marriage as the end of something? Or giving up something, marriage is maybe not for you or have u not met the right woman yet? I wish you thebest of luck. Talk to her it'll be difficult and she will be hurt but it's the only way.

Jane Eyre

It doesn't sound like you love her so perhaps it would be fairest to break up with her so that she still has time to find someone who does love her and who will want a family with her. Do it sooner rather than later, because she may eventually resent the time she has 'wasted' on you. I don't mean that to sound harsh, just putting myself in her shoes. She might be heartbroken for a long time but she'll get over it and move on. You sound like you already have. Be gentle.

Firetrap

It does sound like you love her but aren't in love with her if you know what I mean. The relationship has suited you down to the ground til now; you enjoy her company, you've gotten to do coupley stuff without it being any great upset to your everyday life and there wasn't any hassle involved. If your gut is saying no, it's well worth listening to. Maybe it is time to call it a day.

Before you do anything too hasty though, ask yourself is it a case of the grass being greener on the other side? There are people out there going out pubbing/clubbing who would give it up in a heartbeat if it meant they could have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. Do you feel trapped by your relationship? Just because you're living together doesn't mean you can't go travelling, meet people or do the things you're talking about. Is it just that the spark has gone out of things or have you stayed together out of habit?

billygoat12

Thanks everyone for all of the advice. This has been on my mind so much, I cant hink of anything else. The problem really is that I do love her, and do not want to hurt her. She has been so good to me down through the years. I have always been good to her too, and loyal, but I just cant help thinking I will never be happy if I dont go do my own thing. If it ends up being the wrong decision, then tough luck for me.

I know in my own head I cant be happy if I stay, whereas maybe I might be happy someday if I go.

Miss Fluff

billygoat12 wrote: »

I know in my own head I cant be happy if I stay, whereas maybe I might be happy someday if I go.

Therein lies your answer.

All I will say is though make a clean break of it. Don't have her wait in the wings for you as a back-up, i.e. allow her to move on in the same way you propose to.

Firetrap

You'll have to harden your heart and let her go. If it's gnawing at you as you say it is, you'll be doing neither of you any favours by hanging on. I don't doubt that you really do care for her and that you don't want to hurt her. On the other hand, you've got to look out for yourself too.

rediguana25

You already know you need to break up. I know it's sooooo hard to admit it and act on it. I've been exactly where you are after 9 yrs but pushed the gut feeling aside for a good while before hand. It won't go away. It will just get stronger now that you're acknowledging how you feel.
You need to be free and you know you won't be happy settling down with this girl and although it will be hard you have to talk to her and tell her how you feel. It's horrible but you will feel so much better. If you don't want to get serious with you gf you have to allow her the freedom to find someone who will fall in love and want to spend their life with her.

LegacyUser

I've been on the other side, as the girlfriend in the equation.
Exact same- we were going out for most of our 20's, after college. Crunch time loomed, he reassured me "of course" we were headed towards marriage, in 6 months, then in another 6 months, then in another 6 months bleated the same excuse- so I decided to bite the bullet, & as he wasn't brave enough to do the deed, split up. So we did. Then he came back, insisted he was "ready", we got engaged...we split up again a few weeks later; he "just wasn't feeling it". TBH, it was SO much tougher to split up second time around. I just felt like, we both had our freedom, and the break was much more clean-cut the first time.
It's going to require balls, but you'll have to step up to the mark here. It'll hurt both of you like hell, but in the long run, she'll respect& appreciate your honesty. The longer things go on now, the messier it'll be....pull the plug NOW if you've got serious doubts.

LegacyUser

hi billygoat.. i have a bit of advice for you from personal experience..
I was in much the same situation and i'd say it is common enough. I made the mistake of trying 'greener' pastures and to be honest i've regretted it ever since.. i miss her every day, and its 6 years on