Boyfriend kissed a women 16 years younger before we went out and I'm jealous.

LegacyUser

I want to see what you think of this, guys.

I've been going out with a great man for almost 10 months and things have been going really well. I found out that over a year ago he kissed a woman of 24 (she was 24 at that time) and my boyfriend would've just gone 40. I'm disgusted by it and I suppose a little insecure and jealous about it as well. I'm in my early 30s by the way. He said he was attracted to her at that time and only kissed her. He seems to have no regrets, which would be fine if it was anyone else but she was so much younger than him.

Still, I'm uncomfortable with the massive age gap. I get jealous on occasion but I can keep it under wraps. I didn't have a go at him but I was shocked and disgusted when I found out but played it down. He said he thought she was 27 or 28 at the time.That was about 4 months ago now but it still plagues my mind. I haven't mentioned it since. I know the girl in question. She's good-looking and has a huge chest so I can see the appeal and she might pass for a 27 or 28 year old because of the amount of make up she wears (that might seem catty but it's not meant to. Just trying to explain how he might've thought she was younger. She's good looking anyway.) but her attitude gives her away. I suppose I'm disgusted he was attracted to someone so obviously young in both personality and looks when he goes on about how much he likes "women". I know it's irrational as the girl is a grown woman but I can't help but feel disgusted and a little insecure because I'm not in my 20s anymore.

Just to make clear: I'm not giving him a hard time over this. This is all internal and I don't verbalise how I feel but I need to deal with it.

Besides from that, he's great. I can't fault him.

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Thanks guys.

Siuin

Don't dwell on his past- everyone has one. He chose to be with you and that's what matters.

stoeger

Siuin wrote: »

Don't dwell on his past- everyone has one. He chose to be with you and that's what matters.

+1 on that

I am a friend

Why do you feel insecure?

Beruthiel

Ridiculouso wrote: »

How would you feel if you were in my shoes? Thanks guys.

It was before ye got together.
Age is irrelevant and to be honest, you should not be discussing his past before ye met if you cannot handle the fact that he only kissed someone.
Let it go, in the grand scheme of things, it's nothing.

fungun

there is also a big difference between 'kissing' and 'having a reln with'

I could understand your insecurity if he had a reln with someone that you perceive has something that you do not, or is very different to you (kinda similar to the standard story of a woman who is married to an accountant but misses her old 'artist' bf). But he just kissed her, cant understand how you would let that bother you.

He is 41, you are early 30s and you are worried that he kissed an even younger woman. Could this actually be a reflection that you are worried that he just likes 'younger women' (which you are now) and that he would look to replace you with someone younger if you start looking older?

Taltos

stoeger - welcome to PI/RI.

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Thanks
Taltos.

Daisy M

You need to get this into perspective he kissed a 24 year old woman not a teenage girl. Its coming across to me as though you think he did something really inappropriate which he didnt. It was a kiss they were both adults, he is not a pervert.

Payton

Ridiculouso wrote: »

Besides from that, he's great. I can't fault him.
.

You have answered your own question!!
What he or you done/been with before you got together is irrelevant to where you are as a couple NOW.
Forget the past, trust the present, and only then can you change the future.
Be happy.

ManOfMystery

There's plenty of people who are married or in long term relationships with a 16yr age gap or bigger.

Do you think that's 'disgusting' too?

If your boyfriend had kissed a woman who was 33 or 34, would you be as bothered? If not, then why does it matter that she was 24? As a poster above said, he didn't kiss a teenager. This was a grown adult woman, fully capable of making her own decisions - as is your partner. Whether she was 24 or 34 is irrelevant.

If you have some insecurity about younger women being somehow more appealing to your partner, then you need to work on that and have a think about why he chose to be with you. He hasn't done anything wrong.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Thank god this has been an internal dialogue because you'd be single if you had let this out I'd say. You come accross as pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch. I'm sure you're not in real life but you have to admit that this internal dialogue that's going on in your head is very very nasty. Especially the comments about her boobs and make-up, very nasty.

He had a kiss with a young hotty before you went out, so what? What business is it of yours? You really aren't justified or entitled to be thinking any of the things you're thinking. By the sounds of it you let your insecurities overtake you and you are now trying to justify feeling the way you do. There is no justification for it at all. What he did was NOT disgusting, she's 24 not 14, so get that judgemental crap out of your head.

You have a choice:

- cop the hell on, grow up, act your age and stop pretending you have ANY right to be annoyed here (you 100% don't)

or

- break up with a good man before he starts catching glimpses of your insecure inner bunny boiler

or

- keep this cycle of stinking thinking going until you eventually blow up and get dumped.

Choose wisely,
Best of luck.

moco

I think what Curlzy has said is quite harsh, but the jist of it is right. You have no right at all to be annoyed with him or think he's done anything disgusting! It seems you are just purely jealous of this 24 yr old and her looks.

LegacyUser

OP for somebody in their mid thirties you come across as seriously immature with major insecurities and trust issues.

You make him sound like he was a pervert which he is not, she is 24 she's an adult and can make her own decisions in life, as somebody else said she was 24 not 14.
I know of three couples where there is a 14, 15 and 16 year age gap, the girls would have been in their twenties and partners in their 40's when they met, all three are now married with kids.

I really don't understand why couples feel the need to discuss their exes with each other whats in the past should stay in the past.

Bottle_of_Smoke

I can see how it would be irksome but I think you need to realise he has done nothing whatsoever wrong. Your tone suggests he should be ashamed of himself. He shouldn't. He snogged a hot girl.

This is down to insecurity 100% - which is very understandable but you can't project it as him doing something immoral because he simply hasn't

I'm trying to think of an analogy from my point of view. If I found out an ex was with an airheaded famous footballer or male model et I'd probably be jealous or insecure. Probably try and convince myself she did it to show off or something. Then I'd have to realise it was my issue and deal with it!

nowyouresix

Honestly OP, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
So what if he kissed this girl....you're the one he's with NOW.
Id just keep this internalised if I were you !

LegacyUser

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Thank god this has been an internal dialogue because you'd be single if you had let this out I'd say. You come accross as pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch. I'm sure you're not in real life but you have to admit that this internal dialogue that's going on in your head is very very nasty. Especially the comments about her boobs and make-up, very nasty.

He had a kiss with a young hotty before you went out, so what? What business is it of yours? You really aren't justified or entitled to be thinking any of the things you're thinking. By the sounds of it you let your insecurities overtake you and you are now trying to justify feeling the way you do. There is no justification for it at all. What he did was NOT disgusting, she's 24 not 14, so get that judgemental crap out of your head.

You have a choice:

- cop the hell on, grow up, act your age and stop pretending you have ANY right to be annoyed here (you 100% don't)

or

- break up with a good man before he starts catching glimpses of your insecure inner bunny boiler

or

- keep this cycle of stinking thinking going until you eventually blow up and get dumped.

Choose wisely,
Best of luck.

I come across as a bitch??? Listen to yourself!That was some tirade and totally unjustified. I didn't post on here to be insulted like that and to be called pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch...and a bunny boiler! I can't believe the mods let this one get away.

The comment about her boobs and make up was not an insult. What's wrong with either? Large breasts are attractive and sexy. I was simply saying she could've been mistaken for someone older, as my boyfriend said. And that I could see why he was attracted to her.

I take all that was said on board but I don't take your insulting and down right bitchy post on board. I acknowledge my feelings are wrong hence why I posted up here to get some advice on it. It's ALL down to my insecurity...even labelling his behaviour as disgusting (which I also acknowledge wasn't fair). I didn't come on here to be insulted like that. You now nothing about me. Put away your claws when you're trying to help someone. This is not After Hours.

You're the one who comes across as a nasty bitch here when someone is trying to get advice on an anonymous forum. What the hell is your problem?

I understand I have to be open to all advice given to me -good or bad -but this post went too far. I hope the mods cop on to that.

aidan24326

Bottle_of_Smoke wrote: »

I can see how it would be irksome but I think you need to realise he has done nothing whatsoever wrong. Your tone suggests he should be ashamed of himself. He shouldn't. He snogged a hot girl.

This is down to insecurity 100% - which is very understandable but you can't project it as him doing something immoral because he simply hasn't

I'm trying to think of an analogy from my point of view. If I found out an ex was with an airheaded famous footballer or male model et I'd probably be jealous or insecure. Probably try and convince myself she did it to show off or something. Then I'd have to realise it was my issue and deal with it!

Can't see how it should even be considered 'irksome'. He kissed a girl who's a bit younger but so what? The girl was 24, not a teenage schoolgirl. This should be a total non-issue OP and you should really just forget about it.

Firetrap

nowyouresix wrote: »

Honestly OP, you're blowing it all out of proportion.
So what if he kissed this girl....you're the one he's with NOW.
I'd just keep this internalised if I were you !

^^ This

It was a kiss between consenting adults so he did nothing wrong. Better watch that insecurity of yours or it'll destroy this relationship.

Payton

OP here. wrote: »

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

Thank god this has been an internal dialogue because you'd be single if you had let this out I'd say. You come accross as pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch. I'm sure you're not in real life but you have to admit that this internal dialogue that's going on in your head is very very nasty. Especially the comments about her boobs and make-up, very nasty.

He had a kiss with a young hotty before you went out, so what? What business is it of yours? You really aren't justified or entitled to be thinking any of the things you're thinking. By the sounds of it you let your insecurities overtake you and you are now trying to justify feeling the way you do. There is no justification for it at all. What he did was NOT disgusting, she's 24 not 14, so get that judgemental crap out of your head.

You have a choice:

- cop the hell on, grow up, act your age and stop pretending you have ANY right to be annoyed here (you 100% don't)

or

- break up with a good man before he starts catching glimpses of your insecure inner bunny boiler

or

- keep this cycle of stinking thinking going until you eventually blow up and get dumped.

Choose wisely,
Best of luck.

I come across as a bitch??? Listen to yourself!That was some tirade and totally unjustified. I didn't post on here to be insulted like that and to be called pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch...and a bunny boiler! I can't believe the mods let this one get away.

The comment about her boobs and make up was not an insult. What's wrong with either? Large breasts are attractive and sexy. I was simply saying she could've been mistaken for someone older, as my boyfriend said. And that I could see why he was attracted to her.

I take all that was said on board but I don't take your insulting and down right bitchy post on board. I acknowledge my feelings are wrong hence why I posted up here to get some advice on it. It's ALL down to my insecurity...even labelling his behaviour as disgusting (which I also acknowledge wasn't fair). I didn't come on here to be insulted like that. You now nothing about me. Put away your claws when you're trying to help someone. This is not After Hours.

You're the one who comes across as a nasty bitch here when someone is trying to get advice on an anonymous forum. What the hell is your problem?

I understand I have to be open to all advice given to me -good or bad -but this post went too far. I hope the mods cop on to that.

Hi OP, I have to agree with you somewhat, some of the replies have been a bit harsh. You came here for advice on an issue you have that some people might seem trivial but an issue to YOU none the less, but by all means use the report button if you feel aggrieved.
By your reply you come across as a very confident person who takes no sh1t, by all accounts you have a wonderful relationship with you bf, let the issue go because it will eat into your relationship and chip away. Learn from where the issue is and build on it.
Be happy.

LegacyUser

OP here. wrote: »

I come across as a bitch??? Listen to yourself!That was some tirade and totally unjustified. I didn't post on here to be insulted like that and to be called pathetically jealous, insecure, judgemental and a bitch...and a bunny boiler! I can't believe the mods let this one get away.
The comment about her boobs and make up was not an insult. What's wrong with either? Large breasts are attractive and sexy. I was simply saying she could've been mistaken for someone older, as my boyfriend said. And that I could see why he was attracted to her.
I take all that was said on board but I don't take your insulting and down right bitchy post on board. I acknowledge my feelings are wrong hence why I posted up here to get some advice on it. It's ALL down to my insecurity...even labelling his behaviour as disgusting (which I also acknowledge wasn't fair). I didn't come on here to be insulted like that. You now nothing about me. Put away your claws when you're trying to help someone. This is not After Hours.
You're the one who comes across as a nasty bitch here when someone is trying to get advice on an anonymous forum. What the hell is your problem?
I understand I have to be open to all advice given to me -good or bad -but this post went too far. I hope the mods cop on to that.

Sorry Op but I think your post should be reported as abusive too, while Curlzy’s post came across as very harsh they didn’t call you a bitch they said your post comes across like that and then you turn around and call them a bitch and a nasty person. Maybe you need to go back and read what you originally posted - it stinks of insecurity and jealously about something that that happened over a year ago!! Helloooo he is going out with you for 10 months now and you are upset by the fact he snogged a 24 old attractive girl a year ago!!

In your first post you said this

Ridiculouso wrote: »

She's good-looking and has a huge chest so I can see the appeal and she might pass for a 27 or 28 year old because of the amount of make up she wears (that might seem catty but it's not meant to. Just trying to explain how he might've thought she was younger. She's good looking anyway.) but her attitude gives her away.

and now you are trying to defend yourself by saying it wasn't an insult !!!

OP here. wrote: »

The comment about her boobs and make up was not an insult. What's wrong with either? Large breasts are attractive and sexy. I was simply saying she could've been mistaken for someone older, as my boyfriend said. And that I could see why he was attracted to her.

I'm sorry but if that isn't insulting then I'm lost for words. Even in your defensive post you are still trying to use her attractiveness as a reason why he was with her.

Everybody who has replied to you has said your partner did no wrong and they are right he didn't, they were both grown up consenting adults at the time and could do whatever they wanted. Now you come on trying to defend yourself and saying its harsh.

The mention of the age difference and the disgust you feel makes him out to be a filthy dirty pervert which he obviously isn't.
And if he was really into her would he not be going out with her now?? As everybody has said you need to sort out your insecurity issues and move on. Good luck

Taltos

We are closing this thread.
All - please refer to our charter - above all else we require posters to stay civil, attack the post not the poster.

OP - this applies equally to you as well.

All - going forwards please do not use your replies to pull threads off topic. If you have an issue with a poster use the report button. Doing otherwise may result in a warning, infraction and or ban.

Taltos