Just can't keep dating

LegacyUser

Hey, I kind of see this board is very busy, hope someone has some advice. Basically, I'm just done dating, its getting so tireing. An honest description of me is I'm from a Carlow, 32 with a decent job in Dublin I commute. I'm fairly good looking, good personality, nothing I think is majorly wrong with me.

Yesterday I was dumped by text by a girl I really liked that I was seeing for a couple out weeks. I thought it was going well, obviously not. I've tried dating in Dublin, it just never works out because of the distance, and the options in Carlow for dating are really limited, I have alot of mates who like heading out for pints. I go out with the m, in case I might meet someone, but I don't really enjoy it, I get a bit messy drunk and hate wasting the next day with a hangover

I was dumped when I was 26 by someone who I went out with for 6 years.I don't think I ever really got over it, its in my mind alot. I suffered rejection badly before that, but I think that set me over the edge.

I've tried dating, but its not panning out for me. I'm starting to think it might just be better for me to just life on my own, can people decide to just live on their own?

I am a friend

Without sounding patronising, your problem is sadly very common. have you considered moving to Dublin for a while as I know how difficult it is to live a 'normal' life when you are always on the move.

You broke up with someone 6 years ago and you say you were 'dumped'. Dumped to me has such a negative vibe about it. You may fdeel rejected but I would try to turn my thinking if I were you to the positives of it... The girl felt the relationship was not good for her. It doesnt mean there was anything wrong with you, after all she did spend 6 years with you so you must be pretty special, so try to stop taking it as a rejection and see it as an oppoprtunity to meet someone else special.

You have shown you can handle a long term relationship, which is a big plus and its also admirable that you are not into the '10 to 2 am' kind of relationship...

Dont give up... Move to Dublin for a while if you can afford it for a change of scenery and remember, you are now free to meet someone and will some day so enjoy the single days until then.

LegacyUser

I would move in the morning if I could. I lived in new york for a year, and I loved it. But a couple of years ago I bought a house to renovate. Now I can't sell it, our rent it out because its not fully renovated. I've seriously considered the penalties for abandoning it.

I appreciate what your saying about the negative connotation of the word dumped, but after consistently getting dumped its hard to think of out any other way, its certainly not mutual.

LegacyUser

All I can say mate is dont despair. Think of it this way if you had continued on dating and she was unhappy this would have made two people desperately unhappy and you may have been wondering what the issue is. A lot of people have hobbies but what people need is a passion, something they get really into and this might be a place to start. If its politics try different talks that happen, join party. If its books join a book club or attend readings . Meeting like minded people is a great way of connecting. Focus on friendships and build up a network of people and then exponentially this will grow but dont look for a relationship straight out just let things take their course and connections and bonds will grow. Going out and getting hammered is great fun, I do it myself but it gets tiresome and just leads to misery the following morning plus it doesnt put you in a frame of mind to meet people. I hope the above helps (I should really register here but cant be arsed!). Good luck mate !

I am a friend

TiredOfDating wrote: »

I've seriously considered the penalties for abandoning it.

And you think you have problems now.... This is not an option...

TiredOfDating wrote: »

I appreciate what your saying about the negative connotation of the word dumped, but after consistently getting dumped its hard to think of out any other way, its certainly not mutual.

I think girls tend to call it a day on a relationship sooner than guys do as they often spend more time thinking about and assessing the relationship... Just try to think that she is doing you a favour by setting you free to meet someone else...

Do you maybe stick in a medicore relationship, even though you know it wont work, just to be in a relationship?

Chips Lovell

Drink less on nights out. Not only will you not suffer the next day, but women aren't going to click with a messy drunk.

LegacyUser

OP, I am in an almost identical situation. I have a similar commute and a house which also needs renovating but never gets done due to being trapped in the commuter cycle. Commuting completely puts your life out of balance; you always feel you're not quite living your life, always missing out and usually too drained physically and mentally to make any significant changes to get off the merry go round.

Would your finances stretch to renting a room in Dublin on top of keeping the house? This is something I have thought about. If you are doing any of the work yourself, could you come down some weekends and keep chipping away at it while still having the benefit of living in Dublin and trying to establish a social life that way.

LegacyUser

thanks alot for the replies above. Im just a bit miserable I suppose, and probably will be for a couple of days anyway.

I will take the advice of classes or group activities above onboard, I have started looking into some of them. Also the advice of not getting drunk on nights out is fairly good advice, I will try that this weekend. Getting messy drunk is always my first problem.

@metoo :
Yea, my budget would stretch to this, but is it really a viable option? Shouldn’t you try to make where you live work for you? I have thought about this a lot before, and looked into the cost of it etc. I would think about it, but I’m just not sure. I know Dublin would be alot easier to meet people than in Carlow. Thing is tho, Im from Carlow originally, its where my friends and family are from, you?
Also, what happens if you do meet someone, isn’t it going to be awkward how it will all eventually workout? Where are ye going to live, how will ye carry on seeing each other, etc?

ash23

Ah OP, meet your twin!
I moved somewhere with my then partner, got tied into a house, my daughter started school etc. So when he dumped me after 6 years, aged 26 (sounding familiar? ) I was sort of stuck here.
I partied hard for a couple of years, dated a lot, got fed up of it all. I went down to my home county a lot but nothing worked there because of distance but when I went out where I live, I felt self concious and drank too much so made some shoddy choices.

I've decided to stop drinking so much, trying to get some activities going outside of the pub, broadening my social circle etc.
I'm still single but less disillusioned and less bored by it all.
I think everyone goes through phases of being totally fed up of being alone, especially when you start something new and it ends....again....
It can just get disheartening.
So take some time out, work on the house, spend time with family and friends (away from too much booze) and in time you'll be back in the frame of mind to start again.

fits

Its totally natural to get disheartened. Its also tough in the winter months when your time never seems to be your own during the week at least. And pubs are so BORING a lot of the time. (especially in carlow). I'm in the same boat as regards just not having the heart for it at the moment.

Nothing wrong with taking a break from it and trying to suit yourself for a while. Do what you enjoy doing for a change.

LegacyUser

TireOfDating wrote: »

@metoo :
Yea, my budget would stretch to this, but is it really a viable option? Shouldn’t you try to make where you live work for you? I have thought about this a lot before, and looked into the cost of it etc. I would think about it, but I’m just not sure. I know Dublin would be alot easier to meet people than in Carlow. Thing is tho, Im from Carlow originally, its where my friends and family are from, you?
Also, what happens if you do meet someone, isn’t it going to be awkward how it will all eventually workout? Where are ye going to live, how will ye carry on seeing each other, etc?

These are all valid issues but these are what keep you stuck in inertia. Whenever you meet anyone from a another city or county, one person always has to make the move unless you can compromise and meet half way. I have managed to have relationships in Dublin and other parts of the country. It was a lot of hard work, usually involving me putting in most of the effort, meeting up at the weekend and maybe one night a week during the week after work, but I think if you meet the right person you will find a way of working things out.

Distorted

The standard advice is to be comfortable in your own skin, but to put a bit of effort into dating effectively. I think the pubs scene is pretty limited tbh, so its the usual advice about getting a hobby or interest and meeting like minded people through that. If you are genuinely attracted to someone, making the effort to meet someone in Dublin where you work even when you live in Carlow is not a big deal at all. Loads of people do that. Also the idea of doing something about your situation like renting a room in Dublin during the week, or just getting that house finished and renting it out is good.

At the moment you sound like you're dating because you feel like you have to, not because you're actually meeting people you like. And women will pick up on that. But if you're not coming across as an interesting person yourself, with varied interests and activites, how do you expect someone who is interesting and vibrant to find you attractive?

LegacyUser

You are only 32... the number is not what matters, but that you value each year and that you are happy. you could have the best year lying ahead of you, and you could be so much happier than you were 10 years ago! you just dont know it yet! try some of the suggestions already, and remember to go easy on yourself you are your own worst enemy.. try not to take the relationship breakdown personally, sometimes two people are not on the same wavelength for a variety of reasons and it just doesnt work. A wise person once said that somethings fall apart so that better things can fall together.. your future girlfriend is probably walking around somewhere and one day your worlds will collide and nothing else will matter.. the commute, the house, everything. If you smile at the world it will smile back, and you never know who will fall in love with it

Best of luck in life and love x

LegacyUser

Thanks allot for the replies guys. They were all really very helpfull.

Its been about a week now since I was dumped (Im still using that work I_am_a_Friend, regardless of its negative conatations, cause its accurate :P)

Feeling a bit better, I can see as ye mentioned above, that maybe ppl are just on different wavelenghts or whatever and that its better for people to end it rather than carrying on when somethings not right. Its just a shame that the person from my own home town that I really liked was on a different wavelength than me. But whatever, theres not alot I can do about it.

There were some points made above that did kind of hit home tbh, particularily where it was said I was dating for the sake of it, and that girls can smell this. I think I maybe do give off an air of panic, around the 3rd date or so, I will have to watch this.

Also the comment about me not having personal interest and that reflecting badly on me is true too. I spend alot if time working and just doing nothing. I used to have hobbies, good ones, but they faded into the ether of working, drinking and socialising. I am looking to take up new hobbies, or find some other interest.

I am dating again tho, have a date this week (and maybe a second later in the week). I dont know, maybe I am addicted to dating or something, Im pretty sure this wont pan out past a couple of weeks either. In the initial date or two, I come across charming, good looking, pleasant, confident etc, its after the 3rd date or so things fall apart :S Maybe this one could be different, we will see. I suppose Im not tired of dating, Im actually addicted to dating!?

Thanks again for the replies above, much appreciated