blurring boundaries?

LegacyUser

Here's the thing - my boyfriend and I broke up 7 weeks ago because I was sick of long distance and felt it wasn't going anywhere.
I don't want to get back together - I still love him but my life has moved on and I'm concentrating on my job - but he definitely does, although he understands my reasons for ending it.
I'll get to the point - he says he'd love to see me, as when I left it was quite sudden. I say its too awkward and would complicate things. But - his 30th is coming up and it seems like nobody is celebrating it with him. We'd always planned on doing something together. His friends are useless and he lacks a close friend who would take him out or cheer him up like mates are meant to to when a guy is heartbroken. Would I be totally crazy to take him out just for one special night?? - like fancy dinner and a hotel? Obviously we would sleep together, but I would want there to be no strings attached. I don't want to go back with him, not now anyway.
What do you think? Inappropriate or just one simple night of fun?
Guys opinion especially useful here.

BraziliaNZ

Inappropriate. Leading him on. False hope etc. Surely you can see this? Leave him alone and don't contact him again.

OS119

OP, you're a smart girl - you can't possibly think that your ex wouldn't genuinely believe that a pre-planned nice dinner, hotel and sex isn't a huge banner that says 'i want to get back with you' in 50ft high letters.

i've never met you, and you don't know how good-looking, witty, charming and untruthful i am - but if you offered me dinner, hotel and sex i'd assume you wanted a relationship with me - so can you really imagine any circumstances in which your still loved-up ex boyfriend would take that offer to mean anything less?

sadly, i think he's got to sit this b'day out with a curry and some internet porn - its harsh, and its crap, but thats what being single is like when you don't want to be single, and you'll be hurting him far more by doing this and then leaving him all over again the morning after.

BraziliaNZ

OS119 wrote: »

OP, you're a smart girl - you can't possibly think that your ex wouldn't genuinely believe that a pre-planned nice dinner, hotel and sex isn't a huge banner that says 'i want to get back with you' in 50ft high letters.

i've never met you, and you don't know how good-looking, witty, charming and untruthful i am - but if you offered me dinner, hotel and sex i'd assume you wanted a relationship with me - so can you really imagine any circumstances in which your still loved-up ex boyfriend would take that offer to mean anything less?

sadly, i think he's got to sit this b'day out with a curry and some internet porn - its harsh, and its crap, but thats what being single is like when you don't want to be single, and you'll be hurting him far more by doing this and then leaving him all over again the morning after.

True that. Nothing worse than being with someone who doesn't really want to be there. Just makes you feel worse.

Chinafoot

unregistered wrote: »

Obviously we would sleep together, but I would want there to be no strings attached. I don't want to go back with him, not now anyway.

Why obviously? Because you know he wants you back, right?

This would be an incredibly cruel thing to do. Don't kid yourself that you would be doing him a favour. You obviously have an itch you want scratched and using him for it would put back any chance he has of moving on.

You don't want a relationship and he does so leave him alone.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, you're probably right. I mean its not that I wouldn't want to be there, I'm just better able to separate sex from love than he is. I think it's a bad idea. I just hate to see him miserable and lonely its really hard. I keep thinking of ways I could try to summon his male friends and force them to take him away somewhere for his birthday but I would seem like a total psycho. Or would I?? I've been so lucky because my female friends rally around me with support and mind-occupying activities. His friends seem to be leaving him to stew. He's just come out of a 4 year relationship and they're basically ignoring him because he's a bit emotional and maybe difficult for them to deal with. I have a team of ladies always beside me (not physically, but a phone call away) I just wish he had the same...

BraziliaNZ

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, you're probably right. I mean its not that I wouldn't want to be there, I'm just better able to separate sex from love than he is. I think it's a bad idea. I just hate to see him miserable and lonely its really hard. I keep thinking of ways I could try to summon his male friends and force them to take him away somewhere for his birthday but I would seem like a total psycho. Or would I?? I've been so lucky because my female friends rally around me with support and mind-occupying activities. His friends seem to be leaving him to stew. He's just come out of a 4 year relationship and they're basically ignoring him because he's a bit emotional and maybe difficult for them to deal with. I have a team of ladies always beside me (not physically, but a phone call away) I just wish he had the same...

It's really not your concern. He's a big boy, he'll deal with it, most men have to at some stage. And most men don't have a team of girlies to look after them either, I never did, you're left to stew in your own misery for weeks, months, longer, it's a part of life and he'll get over it and move on in time.

What wont help is you interfering. It will just slow him down. Please leave him alone and stay out of his life.

I am a friend

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

What wont help is you interfering. It will just slow him down. Please leave him alone and stay out of his life.

Exactly - you need to leave him to deal with his friends...

Chinafoot

unregistered wrote: »

Thanks for the replies, you're probably right. I mean its not that I wouldn't want to be there, I'm just better able to separate sex from love than he is. I think it's a bad idea. I just hate to see him miserable and lonely its really hard. I keep thinking of ways I could try to summon his male friends and force them to take him away somewhere for his birthday but I would seem like a total psycho. Or would I?? I've been so lucky because my female friends rally around me with support and mind-occupying activities. His friends seem to be leaving him to stew. He's just come out of a 4 year relationship and they're basically ignoring him because he's a bit emotional and maybe difficult for them to deal with. I have a team of ladies always beside me (not physically, but a phone call away) I just wish he had the same...

Sorry OP, but I'm still confused as to how you think sleeping with him when you know he wants to get back with you is going make him less lonely and miserable? Expecting him to be able to separate sex and love when his four year relationship has just ended is so, so cold.

His friends are his problem. You've ended the relationship so leave him alone to move on with his life.

LegacyUser

Chinafoot - you are right, it does seem cold. You kind of realise that when its written in front of you! Its just that the circumstances of our break up were not anything to do with me not caring for him, but simply that I'd spent 4 years commuting back to our home town every weekend when I worked 60 hours a week and I was exhausted and taking it out on him. I loved him but there was no way it could work. I think that's why I was still thinking of meeting up with him for his birthday.
But you are all definitely right I'll try and stay out of it. For what its worth I don't phone him (not because I don't want to but because you're not meant to phone your exes) but if he calls me I can't not answer - we were like best friends for years.
Thanks again for all the replies, sometimes I'm not thinking straight.

OS119

unregistered wrote: »

...Thanks again for all the replies, sometimes I'm not thinking straight.

OP, don't beat yourself up, you're trying to do 'a good thing' for someone you care about. they are lonely and feel unloved, and straight thinking decrees that if someone is lonely and feeling unloved, and you want them to feel better, then you should stop them feeling lonely and unloved by being with them and loving them.

simple logic.

sadly, the best thing you can do for him is to allow him to stew in his own juices until he sorts himself out.

gerryk

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

It's really not your concern. He's a big boy, he'll deal with it, most men have to at some stage. And most men don't have a team of girlies to look after them either, I never did, you're left to stew in your own misery for weeks, months, longer, it's a part of life and he'll get over it and move on in time.

What wont help is you interfering. It will just slow him down. Please leave him alone and stay out of his life.

Kinda harsh, but completely true.
We all have to suffer this at one time in our lives or another, and the fact is that often women have a more available support network. It's also a fact that often women are better at looking for support where it's needed.

OP, don't prolong his pain by giving him false hope.

Miss Fluff

unregistered wrote: »

But you are all definitely right I'll try and stay out of it. For what its worth I don't phone him (not because I don't want to but because you're not meant to phone your exes) but if he calls me I can't not answer - we were like best friends for years.

Not answering is probably the best thing you can do tbh. Every single time you accept a call you are instilling false hope. If you don't want to get back with him would you not agree on a clean break and no contact? I think while your protestations are well-intentioned (that you were best friends etc and you'd feel mean) it is ultimately quite selfish of you. You want to hang on to his friendship for your own personal gain (quite natural to feel like that) but he thinks that by doing so you will change your mind and come back to him. The fact that you even contemplated treating him on his birthday and having a sympathy shag demonstrates that you're not really thinking clearly about all of this and considering, really considering, his feelings. Cut him loose.

LegacyUser

Was there no way you could have lived together in the same place, you're obviously still fond of him. If you could live together do you think you'd get back with him?