Caught son looking at ''blue''

horsemeat

Hi guys,

I walked in on my twelve year old son today on the computer looking at a bit of blue and playing with himself.

I was shocked tbh, and quickly left the room, the young fella was fairly embarrassed himself and has been a bit quiet all evening since.

Not sure how to broach this? we haven't had any talks yet about the birds and the bees and I wasn't expecting to have to have any for another 2 or 3 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell his mother or not either. She doesn't know and I don't want to upset her.

Advice?

killwill

It is a perfectly natural thing to do.
Sit him down and let him know that.
And at 12 it is about time for the B&Bs chat.

mcmoustache

I agree with the poster above and I would also suggest not telling his mother. I don't think it would do any good and could damage trust between you and your son.

He'll feel bad enough for getting caught but knowing that it was being discussed by his parents (and possibly more as far as he thinks) will only add to the embarrassment.

nesf

A perfectly normal thing for him to be doing, though sloppy that he got caught. Don't worry, you've a normal, healthy and curious son!

I'd have a chat with him about what he watches not being like real life and make sure he knows that but other than that I'd just advise him that it's a very private thing and he should take steps not to get caught by his mother or someone else.

Noffles

Lol... "Blue"

Tell him it's cool, normal thing to do and move on... make any sort of big deal about it and it'll back fire..

ScouseMouse

mcmoustache wrote: »

I agree with the poster above and I would also suggest not telling his mother. I don't think it would do any good and could damage trust between you and your son.

He'll feel bad enough for getting caught but knowing that it was being discussed by his parents (and possibly more as far as he thinks) will only add to the embarrassment.

MMMM. Have to say I disagree on this one. I would tell the mother. It a normal thing to happen and in my opinion, she should know, but not mention it.

Ickle Magoo

horsemeat wrote: »

Hi guys,

I walked in on my twelve year old son today on the computer looking at a bit of blue and playing with himself.

I was shocked tbh, and quickly left the room, the young fella was fairly embarrassed himself and has been a bit quiet all evening since.

Not sure how to broach this? we haven't had any talks yet about the birds and the bees and I wasn't expecting to have to have any for another 2 or 3 years.

I'm not sure whether to tell his mother or not either. She doesn't know and I don't want to upset her.

Advice?

He's 12 - you really need to have a quite detailed B&B chat ASAP.

Would his mother get upset? If she would then I'd suggest keeping it between you and him, if she's the kind of mum to take such news in her stride then I think him hearing from her that it isn't something wrong, just something that should be kept private is better than the message all the cloaks and daggers and possible upset gives...wouldn't hurt to point out that the reality is usually nothing like internet porn and not the best place to learn tips on how to interact with girls, either.

All the best you.

Duke Leonal Felmet

Glad to hear there is nothing wrong with your son.



*wishes he had internet at that age*

KTRIC

Leave him be for the moment. Might be easier to talk to him about it in a couple of days.

OP, are you his father ?? Might be best if his dad spoke to him. Less embarrassing.

MarkR

Tell him it's normal. Don't tell the mother. Get him to close the door. Start knocking. Get his hearing tested.

username123

horsemeat wrote: »

we haven't had any talks yet about the birds and the bees and I wasn't expecting to have to have any for another 2 or 3 years.

This is the shocking part of the post. He is 12!! Birds and bees chats are 2 or 3 years overdue!!!

What you walked in on is normal, but I would speak to him about discretion.

Ellis Dee

Tell him what Woody Allen said: Masturbation is sex with someone you love.;);)

Duke Leonal Felmet

You know, a lot of these videos show women being treated like an object, as part of the fantasy, or whatever.

It might be worth your while pointing out that these videos are fantasy, much like a hollywood movie, and thus not a basis for treating future girlfriends. Otherwise he might get the wrong idea.

Just a thought.

Statistician

knock before entering.

Moonbeam

*Mod comment*

Please keep this thread on topic

Witcher

Time for you to step up to the podium, embrace your duties as his father and tell him how to avoid getting caught next time:pac:

Seriously though..I wouldn't be worrying about it, looks at it this way he's normal and as another poster said you have someone to blame for future computer viruses. Win win:P

Plazaman

horsemeat wrote: »

Hi guys,

I walked in on my twelve year old son today on the computer looking at a bit of blue and playing with himself......

KTRIC wrote: »

Leave him be for the moment. Might be easier to talk to him about it in a couple of days.

OP, are you his father ?? Might be best if his dad spoke to him. Less embarrassing.

You could go blind from too much of it, not read posts on forums properly and the like....

Sound advice so far from all. IMO leave it a couple of days then mention it quietly to him to reassure him it's perfectly natural. Take the opportunity to discuss all the facts with him as you don't really want porn to teach him about sex and relationships.

If he's still quite since the incident and still embarrassed then talk to him straight away. I think it's best to tell him the conversation is between the two of you as a young fella would hate to think his mother knows about these things. Obviously you can tell the missus if needs be but tell her to keep it to herself (I'm sure the roles would be reversed is the birds and bees talk were between mother and daughter).

Ophiopogon

I'd agree that with what has already been said but I would just add that maybe you should find out what he had actually been looking at.

I have no problem with porn mostly but there is some really fvcked porn out there as you prob know and some of it should not be watched by those too young to understand.

Have a chat with him, it maybe embarrassing for him but should be done.

LashingLady

I'd probably be a bit concerned about unbridled access to the internet, particularly if there are younger children who might use the same computer.

I think someone as young as your son shouldn't really have access to internet porn, there's a difference between the pictures in Loaded or Playboy and the stuff you get online.

Big Bag of Chips

You need to have "the chat"... now! He has found porn on the computer, possibly directed there by his friends in school. So if you're not telling him about sex, you can be absolutely certain he's getting some sort of information from somewhere.

Better that you tell him "the facts", rather than his friends and the internet teaching him their version.

I wouldn't leave it a few days to be honest. That's only dragging it out for him... and you. Have a chat as soon as you can, buy some proper books "Boys Talk/Girls Talk" were in my day! And tell him to read through and if there is ANYTHING that he wants to ask that you will answer it for him.

It's embarrassing, but not life threatening.. don't let him feel like he's wrong.

Also set up some restrictions on your computer..!

nesf

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Also set up some restrictions on your computer..!

Generally it's safe to assume that any tech-smart kid will get around said restrictions in some way.

Sin City

I think most the comments here are right
He is discovering he has urges and nothing wrong with that.
Wait till he hits his teens, the carpet and probably the bedsheets will be like velcro lol

Seriously you can always have a chat with him, teach him women are not sex things etc and to respect them. But honestly , he will be looking at it more and more, its a part of growing up. Just reassure him its nothing to be ashamed of

Big Bag of Chips

nesf wrote: »

Generally it's safe to assume that any tech-smart kid will get around said restrictions in some way.

Ah! I know that, but at least it might slow him down abit! A robber will rob your house if he wants to, but you still wouldn't leave the front door open to make it easy for him!!

drunkmonkey

horsemeat wrote: »

I'm not sure whether to tell his mother or not either. She doesn't know and I don't want to upset her.

Advice?

Horse unless you do all the washing in the house i'd say she already knows or else he has a very crusty sock somewhere. Tell him you didn't tell his mother even if you did.

I'd say nothing except the b&b talk and also leave a key in his door so he can lock it now and again. Think you will have to have an internet ban or at least check his browsing history when he finishes using the internet.

The poor chap...the last thing you want him to think is looking at naked women is wrong. It's healthy.

AhSureTisGrand

nesf wrote: »

Generally it's safe to assume that any tech-smart kid will get around said restrictions in some way.

And if they're not, they will be soon enough after you introduce said restrictions

CIARAN_BOYLE

AhSureTisGrand wrote: »

And if they're not, they will be soon enough after you introduce said restrictions

Only restriction that works is removing the internet, or leaving computer in the family room and not leting him access the internet in any other way

stargazer 68

Well folks saw this thread yesterday and thought some of the comments were great. My son is 13 and I said 'ah sure he wouldnt even know where to look for that stuff or what to look for'.

Home yesterday and went into his room to look for something and he was on a porn site looking at a movie!! :eek::eek:. Now he doesn't know I saw what it was as I just took a sidewards sneaky glance. What do I do??? His Dad lives in the US so he can't really have the discussions mentioned above unless its by email!! I can't say anything to my son - wouldn't know what to say!!

Duke Leonal Felmet

Dovies wrote: »

Well folks saw this thread yesterday and thought some of the comments were great. My son is 13 and I said 'ah sure he wouldnt even know where to look for that stuff or what to look for'.

Home yesterday and went into his room to look for something and he was on a porn site looking at a movie!! :eek::eek:. Now he doesn't know I saw what it was as I just took a sidewards sneaky glance. What do I do??? His Dad lives in the US so he can't really have the discussions mentioned above unless its by email!! I can't say anything to my son - wouldn't know what to say!!

As I said above, my main concern would be that he would get the wrong idea on how to treat lady by watching this material. So perhaps your role is to set that straight.

nesf

Dovies wrote: »

Well folks saw this thread yesterday and thought some of the comments were great. My son is 13 and I said 'ah sure he wouldnt even know where to look for that stuff or what to look for'.

Home yesterday and went into his room to look for something and he was on a porn site looking at a movie!! :eek::eek:. Now he doesn't know I saw what it was as I just took a sidewards sneaky glance. What do I do??? His Dad lives in the US so he can't really have the discussions mentioned above unless its by email!! I can't say anything to my son - wouldn't know what to say!!

Maybe get an uncle or someone similar to have a chat with him? Failing that, there are worse things than your mother talking to you about it (not much but, eh ).

stargazer 68

nesf wrote: »

Maybe get an uncle or someone similar to have a chat with him? Failing that, there are worse things than your mother talking to you about it (not much but, eh ).

Its not his embarassment Im worried about - its mine!! :eek::D

Iwannahurl

My own opinion, FWIW.

I don't have a child that age, so this is my attitude rather than my experience.

Firstly, I disagree with some points made by several earlier posters.

IMO it is inadvisable to provide a child with private and uncontrolled internet access in their own room. That is a general observation which may not apply in your case.

Another general observation: children often have more knowledge (and instincts) than you might realise, so they need to get age-appropriate information about sex, sexuality and related matters sooner rather than later.

I don't know what shade of "blue" was involved in your situation, but if your son was already at that stage without having had any significant input from you then the horse had already bolted to some extent.

I also think it's appropriate to let his mum know. IMO consistency of approach between parents is important. Each parent must say what they mean and mean what they say, and on important matters they should not contradict each other. I'm not sure how such consistency could be achieved without both parents communicating openly with each other. Privacy is important, but secrecy is a different kettle of fish.


.

syklops

Dovies wrote: »

Well folks saw this thread yesterday and thought some of the comments were great. My son is 13 and I said 'ah sure he wouldnt even know where to look for that stuff or what to look for'.

Don't mean to scare you, but I went on my first cub camp at 8, and learnt all about the birds and the bees and what to look up if I was so inclined. This was back before we had the internet, but I got fully briefed by the other 11 year old experts. Much of it was incorrect(I was under the illusion that a condom was a thing like a marshmallow that you ate before the deed). I didn't get curious until I was about 12, but when curiosity arrived it wasn't subtle announcing itself. Pre internet, me and I am sure most lads my age read or looked at any material they could find involving scantily clad or naked women including encyclopaedias, and the breast enlargement adverts at the back of Womens Way. Nowadays, kids don't know how easy they have it, just google it!

I cant get over the OP who didnt think he would need to have the conversation for another 2-3 years, when the lad is 15 :eek: He could be fathering his second child by then.

As for your predicament Dovies, there is a wealth of information on the internet dealing with how to tell your child about the birds and the bees, including specialist areas like how a single Dad tells his daughter, and how a single Mum tells her son. Thats if you choose to tell him. I never got 'the chat', I just figured it out on my own. My parents trusted me enough that if I was confused about something I could ask, but they also respected my privacy, though they did teach me indirectly to delete Internet rowsing histories.

Maybe find a video on youtube that explains it all, send him the link and ask him to watch it, and to ask you any questions at the end if he has any. He probably wont if he is already watching porn.

As for the fears of it objectifying women, in my opinion, the seed for his attitude towards women has been planted long ago, and how he treats you and other women in his life now is an indicator of how his attitude towards them will be in the future. I really dont think that a 5 minute video on redtube, is going to undo 13 years of balanced, respectful upbringing.

Ophiopogon

syklops wrote: »

Don't mean to scare you, but I went on my first cub camp at 8, and learnt all about the birds and the bees and what to look up if I was so inclined. This was back before we had the internet, but I got fully briefed by the other 11 year old experts. Much of it was incorrect(I was under the illusion that a condom was a thing like a marshmallow that you ate before the deed). I didn't get curious until I was about 12, but when curiosity arrived it wasn't subtle announcing itself. Pre internet, me and I am sure most lads my age read or looked at any material they could find involving scantily clad or naked women including encyclopaedias, and the breast enlargement adverts at the back of Womens Way. Nowadays, kids don't know how easy they have it, just google it!

I cant get over the OP who didnt think he would need to have the conversation for another 2-3 years, when the lad is 15 :eek: He could be fathering his second child by then.

As for your predicament Dovies, there is a wealth of information on the internet dealing with how to tell your child about the birds and the bees, including specialist areas like how a single Dad tells his daughter, and how a single Mum tells her son. Thats if you choose to tell him. I never got 'the chat', I just figured it out on my own. My parents trusted me enough that if I was confused about something I could ask, but they also respected my privacy, though they did teach me indirectly to delete Internet rowsing histories.

Maybe find a video on youtube that explains it all, send him the link and ask him to watch it, and to ask you any questions at the end if he has any. He probably wont if he is already watching porn.

As for the fears of it objectifying women, in my opinion, the seed for his attitude towards women has been planted long ago, and how he treats you and other women in his life now is an indicator of how his attitude towards them will be in the future. I really dont think that a 5 minute video on redtube, is going to undo 13 years of balanced, respectful upbringing.

While I would agree that mostly it is the upbringing that effects a person view and that watching a normalish porn should not be an issue, I don't know how some of the more violent images would effect a young mind.

It's not even about objectifying women for me, I can't make sense of some of the things I have seen on the internet and I'm an adult. Slightly off topic but if they can access porn then they can access murder/suicide images and the rest.

Again this is why I would say that you should find out what exactly they have been looking at. It doesn't matter if it's embarrassing, the act itself is natural and I think it's best to have as open communication as possible.

Feisar

LashingLady wrote: »

I'd probably be a bit concerned about unbridled access to the internet, particularly if there are younger children who might use the same computer.

I think someone as young as your son shouldn't really have access to internet porn, there's a difference between the pictures in Loaded or Playboy and the stuff you get online.

Just to qualify my answer, I'm 27 and not a father.

There's a big difference between masturbation to a playboy or fairly normal pornography than the type of porn that is becoming mainstream these days.

I'd be worried about a 12 year old watching extreme sexual acts.

Seaneh

I'm kind of disturbed by some of the replies here, there is nothing 'normal' or 'natural' about a 12 year old watching porn. While HUD curiosity is natural and healthy and mastrubation is normal and shouldn't be condemed porn us anything but normal, natural or healthy for a 12/13 year old.

I'd either instal dome sort of accountability software on his machine, which he shouldn't be able to tamper with if he isn't an admin and doesn't have a password for the software. There is a serious risk of pornography addiction which can lead to all sort of psychological issues in his later teens, including the inability or get or miantain an erection.

This, to me, is symptomatic of the increasing early sexualisation of children these days by everything from printed media to the music that is being marketed to younger teens.

Don't go punishing the lad or making him think he's a horrible person, but take steps to insure he has a healthy and informed view of sex and sexuality.

nesf

Seaneh wrote: »

I'm kind of disturbed by some of the replies here, there is nothing 'normal' or 'natural' about a 12 year old watching porn. While HUD curiosity is natural and healthy and mastrubation is normal and shouldn't be condemed porn us anything but normal, natural or healthy for a 12/13 year old.

You do realise that up until quite recently historically marrying at 13/14 was pretty normal for people?

syklops

I'd either instal dome sort of accountability software on his machine, which he shouldn't be able to tamper with if he isn't an admin and doesn't have a password for the software

Waste of money, he will figure a way around it in no time. I think it would be healthier if he knows he can talk about something he saw rather than trying to hide his tracks.

This, to me, is symptomatic of the increasing early sexualisation of children these days by everything from printed media to the music that is being marketed to younger teens.

I would disagree with that. 20 years ago I would have been on redtube.xxx if I could have managed to get access, I am sure most lads my age would have too. Sure, do you remember the bit in Angelas Ashes when they got in trouble for looking at the girls having the bath? There was no over-sexualisation of children back then.

CrazyRabbit

There's nothing new about 12 years old watching porn. I was 8/9 when I first got hold of my dads porn mags. (At the time, I thought they were disgusting, but I was still fascinated by them). By age 12 I had a pretty good understanding of the mechanics of sex.

Porn, in small doses is completely normal. It's just fantasy, but it is extremely important that it is just viewed as that...complete fantasy. Otherwise it can give a warped sense of expections and a warped understanding of how women should be treated (In porn, the males are almost always very dominant and disrespectful).

OP, you need to have a chat with your son. Explain that masturbation is completely normal, but very private. And that he should take care to do it in a secure place. Explain how unrealistic porn is, and discuss the fact that there is extremely disturbing porn on web and why it should be avoided. Of course, he needs the birds & bees chat as well about pregnancy & protection from STD's. I'd go so far as to buy him a few condoms so that he can try them out in private....get used to them.

Also, about blocking porn on the home computer or moving it to a family area etc. It's the wrong approach. He won't be 12 forever. Education is a far better option than ignorance. So do your son a favour and educate him instead of leaving him in ignorance and hoping for the best.

syklops

CrazyRabbit wrote: »

Also, about blocking porn on the home computer or moving it to a family area etc. It's the wrong approach. He won't be 12 forever. Education is a far better option than ignorance. So do your son a favour and educate him instead of leaving him in ignorance and hoping for the best.

+1. It will be no time at all until he can access it on his phone. Then what will you do?

analucija

Seaneh wrote: »

I'm kind of disturbed by some of the replies here, there is nothing 'normal' or 'natural' about a 12 year old watching porn. While HUD curiosity is natural and healthy and mastrubation is normal and shouldn't be condemed porn us anything but normal, natural or healthy for a 12/13 year old.

I'd either instal dome sort of accountability software on his machine, which he shouldn't be able to tamper with if he isn't an admin and doesn't have a password for the software. There is a serious risk of pornography addiction which can lead to all sort of psychological issues in his later teens, including the inability or get or miantain an erection.

This, to me, is symptomatic of the increasing early sexualisation of children these days by everything from printed media to the music that is being marketed to younger teens.

I remember two of my friends explaining me 25 years ago when I was eight about the animal porn they watched (one of them found older brothers videos) and I got some less deviant information even younger. I'm not saying it's good but kids do get their hands on god knows what very quickly and it has very little to do with early sexualistaion or addiction to porn. It is important to have a talk, good sexual education in schools is also important but most teenagers get their hands on porn and from my experience the interest was often bigger in early teens than later.

A calm talk to the child about misrepresentations of sexualty and explanation that mastrubation itself is normal should be enough. Some parental controls on the computer are important (you don't want to get gazillion of spam and computer viruses) but I wouldn't panic. It would be more worrying if pre-teens and especially teenagers would be responsible, well behaved and not interested in sex at all. Then I would panic.

syklops

animal porn

:eek:

you sure they didn't mean anime?

horsemeat

Hi Lads just thought i'd update you.

The young fella was watching it on the family computer in the living room. He doesn't have access to the internet in private and won't be getting any for a long time to come.

My brother rooted out a boy talk book for me and I gave that to the lad yesterday. Explained to him that there was nothing wrong with what he did but that he should do so in private, and that it was unacceptable to do so in the living room where anyone including his parents and his 8 year old sister could have walked in on him. I gave him a key for his bedroom also and told him that from now on if to lock the door and do anything personal like masturbating in private. I also told him that looking at pornography wasn't right and that it was just fantasy to try and make money and that it doesn't properly represent the love shared between a man and a woman which is what sex is really about. I told him to read the book and if he had any questions to let me know.

Was an awkward enough conversation but that wasn't even the hard one.

The missus came home later that day and saw the browsing history and thought I had been looking the stuff up!! (she'd be a bit conservative when it comes to sex and the like) She hit the roof, I had to explain to her what had happened and she nearly blew a gasket. Once she calmed down she was more shocked tbh, didn't think that we'd ever have to have a conversation like that with him and just assumed he would figure it out himself from the kids in school etc. Bit naive of her I know.

Anyway she calmed down and agreed not to mention it to him, so as far as he knows it's just being kept ''between the lads''.

I can finally relax now today after a stressful few days!
Nobody said it was going to be easy!!!!
Thanks for the replies!

Nutgrover

Handled professionally, I can say. Not sure he'd have "any further questions" after your lecture but that's where the book will come in handy. I wouldn't make such a forbidden fruit of the internet though. Unless you want him to spend money and time in some dodgy internet cafes...

busyliving

With regards to the Birds and the Bees chat, my older brother did it with me...was no embarrassment but if either of my parents had it...it would have been one of the worst things ever...

But back to OP, you kid was looking at porn...its natural but I do think some of the more hardcore stuff could be damaging to him...

So if there was a way to block the more extreme sites and leave the more "softcore" sites, he'll mainly be protected for some of the more extreme stuff that could lead to his having the wrong opinions and expectations of women and sex itself

Nutgrover

busyliving wrote: »

So if there was a way to block the more extreme sites and leave the more "softcore" sites, he'll mainly be protected for some of the more extreme stuff that could lead to his having the wrong opinions and expectations of women and sex itself

I wonder how would you go about blocking hardcore and allowing softcore. Employ some artificial intelligence software?

pebbles21

I caught my 12 yo and his friend looking at porn on the net....funny thing is though, there is a framed picture of Jesus on the window sill beside the computer
They must have had a twang of guilt because i noticed he was turned the other way round when they were gone...:o

busyliving

Nutgrover wrote: »

I wonder how would you go about blocking hardcore and allowing softcore. Employ some artificial intelligence software?

I'm sure you could get a list of softcore sites and just add them to be aloud through whatever is blocking all the other adult sites

ITS_A_BADGER

lol id pat him on the back if i caught him and shout THATS MY BOY! and embarrass the ****e outta him,

but really at age 12 your not giving a child his age the credit they deserve, i would guarantee he knows what sex is already but its up to you to teach him about condoms and "keeping the mouse in the house"

Also a internet time should be monitored or at least put in a adult content blocker, 12 years old is too young to be browsing the internet unsupervised not just for fear of adult content.

telling your wife is a bad idea if you know she will overreact, but if you can trust that she will be cool about it then fine

Look at the end of the day the kid is gonna masturbate hes just unlucky that he got caught,hes gonna keep doing it too and its a healthy thing like besides you probably masturbate too:P

Orion

Well the OP has dealt with it. So before this degenerates into juvenile pats on the back I think we'll leave it here.