One for the team!

LegacyUser

Basically my partner was asked to manage a local football teama few months ago and put all of his time into it and I explained to him, nicely, I didnt want anything to do with it, like if they loose a match dont take it out on me(having a father that managed a team I put up with this behaviour for years I wasnt leaving it happen again)

The thing is he has taken it to heart and is barely speaking to me. He cant understand how Im not supportive of him and how unfair im being..... forgetting the numerous times dates were postponed, gigs cancelled, birthdays forgotten(mine and his mums)... Dont get me wrong hes a lovely guy in every other way but when it comes down to his team, nohing else exists.

The tension has become so unbearable Im thinking about moving home to my parents for a break!!!

Help

curlzy

Hey OP,

If I were you I'd sit down and write him a letter about how you told him you didn't want anything to do with the team and list the reasons you gave him at the time. Then list all the ways in which this team has already affected you and your relationship. Then leave the letter on the coffee table and go stay in your parents house. In fairness you've been straight with him from day one, you knew this would happen and it has. Now it's up to him to fix.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi curlzy,

Thanks for the reply, heading home tomorrow. Ive been patient for long enough but the time has come where i need to fight this !!!

Thanks again !

Jerri Jordan

Just because your Dad acted one way does not mean your husband will. would you not give him a chance, i think its wonderful he is motivated and sporty and has a hobby. Life is too short to ever give up on something you might want to do. If this is important to your husband you should be behind and give him a chance. Its a wonderful positive thing he wants to do and you have no proof he will let you down. Compromise is the only thing that makes marriage work and at the moment it sounds like your expecting him to do all the compromising. All im saying is stop and think and look from the other perspective. Nothing more attractive than a motivated man out making a difference and exercising and doing things.

C-J

The most important part of any relationship is trust and support. My partner plays county and is the captain of his local team, so basically 9 months of the year are taken up but ya know what? I don't mind because it makes him happy and I love him. I go to every game and show so much interest because he lives for his football. I'm at a loss to see why you don't do the same.

LegacyUser

I know I sound self centered and possessive even after reading my first post. You have to understand I do support him and I was really delighted for him, at first but reality has kicked in now and sitting home on my own every evening is not fun. Im a road runner, i go to gym 3 times a week and do aqua aerobics twice a week, been doing this over 2 years. We have always done our own things but yet found time for each other. Now we are like passing ships in the night between training and work....

I went to most of his matches even though I have no interest in football. Listened to him go on when they lost and he got the blame.... I have tried.

I went to my parents home for 1 night(theyre on holidays so please dont say I went running to them) and when I came home this morning there was a card with a printout of a weekend away booked for Valentines (we havnt been away in 2 years coz we're broke).... And an apology...

Please dont think Im heartless, Im not. All I want is quality time with him.

I am a friend

upsh!tcreek wrote: »

Im a road runner, i go to gym 3 times a week and do aqua aerobics twice a week.

So if you have been out minimum 5 nights per week for the past 2 years, what right do you have to complain now when he is out?

Oryx

Well if he has a schedule, and you have a schedule, and you are both busy, then make an agreement that x day/evening of every week is 'your' time together. And it is sacrosanct, nothing gets in the way of it. Then at least both of you will get your regular time to spend on just yourselves instead of letting one week roll into another and resentment build.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

So if you have been out minimum 5 nights per week for the past 2 years, what right do you have to complain now when he is out?

If he asked me to go for a meal or something id give up a night for him.... and then if something came up last minute, id tell him, not leave him sitting on his own in a restaurant for 40 mins while he got a sympanthy looks from people..... yes he did that to me.... All i want is compromise from him.... and to talk to him longer than 10 minutes.

Jerri Jordan

It was a very sweet thing your husband just did - the apology and hotel.
Maybe you should apologise too and cut down on your gym time so you can meet him half way. You cant seriously want him to give up something he loves and is importnat to him.

I am a friend

upsh!tcreek wrote: »

if he asked me to go for a meal or something id give up a night for him....

But you wouldnt be letting a team of people down by changing your schedule....

upsh!tcreek wrote: »

and then if something came up last minute, id tell him, not leave him sitting on his own in a restaurant for 40 mins

Thats just bad manners - he isnt running Man United so there is no excuse for that carry on but you cant blame the team for him having no cop and no manners.

LittleBook

I am a friend wrote: »

Thats just bad manners - he isnt running Man United so there is no excuse for that carry on but you cant blame the team for him having no cop and no manners.

Agreed.

My friend manages his local football team. They train on Tuesdays & Thursdays and he'll know on the Monday when their match will be that weekend (Friday night OR Saturday morning/afternoon OR Sunday morning/afternoon). There's a committee meeting every Monday but he only needs to attend once a month.

Managing a football team can be time consuming but you can do it and have a full-time job and a relationship ... if you're organised.

But there's really no excuse for leaving you sitting in a restaurant and all the postponements, cancellations and forgetting of birthdays you mentioned.

S23

I'd echo that sentiment. Whatever about the give and take of whether you train too much or all that stuff let's get real about this issue with him and the team.

He's managing a local football team that, if they are like every other pub team in the world, probably train twice a week and play once at weekends. That's a total of 6 hours a week given aside to that. Throw in the odd committee meeting as mentioned even every fortnight and it might entail 8 hours of a week.

He's not managing Barcelona. He doesn't need to go see the youth team play to assess the future of the next 16 year old superstar. He doesn't need to go off on some scouting mission to the far side of the country to find his next transfer bargain. He doesn't have hours of footage to watch the next opponent to suss them out.

It's meant to be a hobby. If it's taking over his life then it's a problem. I play on a couple of sports teams in winter and summer. I don't leave my OH lacking for attention and bail on nights out with her because theres no need for that to happen.

Like I said it's a couple of hours twice during the week and the same one morning at the weekend. If he's spending considerably more time on it than that then he's making a meal out of it

LegacyUser

Jerri Jordan wrote: »

It was a very sweet thing your husband just did - the apology and hotel.
Maybe you should apologise too and cut down on your gym time so you can meet him half way. You cant seriously want him to give up something he loves and is importnat to him.

Im more than willing to give up something for him but for now I must mosey on. I know its important to him, I really do but he aint Alex Ferguson!


[QUOTE=But you wouldnt be letting a team of people down by changing your schedule....

So its ok to let me down is it??

I understand things happen and he has to be there but theres only so much I can take so why should I be made the bad person when im always the one who gets hurt?

I am a friend

upsh!tcreek wrote: »

So its ok to let me down is it??

No - he is rude and there is no excuse for his behaviour....