Sexual attraction is gone, but I still love him

LegacyUser

Ok, so I had a boyfriend of 3 1/2 years. He was my best friend, we had so much in common, he was my rock, my everything. He is kind and selfless and we had such a laugh together and shared some amazing times. But, my sexual attraction for him faded, and soon we were not having sex at all anymore. This put alot of pressure on the relationship, so in the end we broke up. But because we're so close, we still see and talk to each other all the time. We love each other still and I know he is one in a million - someone I will never find again. But I still dont feel that physical attraction. I really dont know what to do, its always on my mind. Everyone says we are the perfect couple, and ask why aren't we together? But they dont understand the compete lack of sexual chemistry, and its not something I feel I can talk about. It's so awful because I dont want him out of my life, but I need someone I can have sex with. And with him I just physically cant make myself.

Has anyone ever gone through something similar, or have any advice??

BraziliaNZ

I was in your ex's situation a while back. It must be hard for him, it was for me, but the reality is, if you don't feel that way about him, you HAVE to let him go, or you're being totally selfish. If you don't want to have sex with him you can't expect him to provide all the other things boyfriends provide without him getting what he needs.
Don't feel bad about yourself, it happens, but you need to let him go.
If people ask just say it's because you felt like he was your best friend, not your lover, and all the romantic feelings had gone, that's what it sounds like to me.

hey op, i couldve written your post about 5 years ago.

was going out with a guy for about 6 years, the most perfect guy you could ever meet. unfortunately i lost interest in sex with him. we stayed together longer than we shouldve but eventually it broke down and we broke up.

like you, we were so close and he was my best friend. if you could pick someone to be madly in love with it was him. but you know what? i wasnt, it had just faded. and as much as i loved him, i wasnt 'in love' with him anymore. it was tough but it was tougher on him.

its been over 4 years now and i still consider him a friend, we speak, not too regularly but now and again, like friends.
i believe this was possible because once we broke up i was completely honest with him. i made him aware that we were never getting back together, that 'something' was missing. it was very hard, and very hard causing him such upset, but it was the right thing to do.

you should not be relying on him anymore, its not fair to him. tell him that you value his friendship and you hope you can be friends but give him space. he deserves to do what is best for him.

be cruel (in a way) to be kind.

LegacyUser

Hey OP, I am going through the exact same thing at the moment. I split from my boyfriend of 5 years a few months back. We had, sorry still own a house together, now renting it out. I love this guy so much but the sexual thing wasn't there anymore. It's so so hard.

He's now moved on and has a new girlfriend which is killing me. What makes it worse is we are in so much contact regularly, mostly to do with the house but sometimes it's get a bit raunchy. But this is because we've been apart and it feels new & exciting again. I know that if I go back there it'd probably be back to square one. But in fairness ALL my relationships have gone this way. Don't they all????!!!! That is the million dollar question. I feel like as you've said I've let a one in a million kinda guy go but I have to stand by what I believed at the time & live with the consequences. And now pushing on 30 & single again, that's what make it worse.

Kimia

It's hard because at what point does it move from the honeymoon phase is over and it's just that you don't want to do it as much to not doing it at all and the attraction is gone?

I think it happens way more than people think, but very few people like to admit it. I also think that a lot of the time, it could be a natural settling into a long term relationship being mistaken for not being attracted to the other person anymore.

I'm sure someone could come along and say that they've been with their partner for 10 years and still have sex twice a day but I'm not sure if that would be an accurate depiction of the majority of long term relationships. I think the reality is that libido goes through peaks and valleys and what will last through the hard times is the friendship and companionship you've built through mutual respect and admiration.

Of course saying that, if you're repulsed at the thoughts of your partner, there's definitely something wrong.

aidan24326

Kimia wrote: »

I also think that a lot of the time, it could be a natural settling into a long term relationship being mistaken for not being attracted to the other person anymore.

I would agree with that view. People maybe have unrealistic expectations of still tearing each other's clothes off after x number of years, and it doesn't really work like that.

OP, if you really love each other why couldn't you have worked at the sexual side of it? Try and reignite the spark if you like. Now it might be that you're just better suited as friends but did you make an effort with the physical stuff? I agree with those who are saying that if the chemistry is gone you have to let him go, but at the same time be careful not to throw away something good for the wrong reasons.

BraziliaNZ

aidan24326 wrote: »

I would agree with that view. People maybe have unrealistic expectations of still tearing each other's clothes off after x number of years, and it doesn't really work like that.

OP, if you really love each other why couldn't you have worked at the sexual side of it? Try and reignite the spark if you like. Now it might be that you're just better suited as friends but did you make an effort with the physical stuff? I agree with those who are saying that if the chemistry is gone you have to let him go, but at the same time be careful not to throw away something good for the wrong reasons.

The thing is, there's no such thing as making an effort if you don't fancy them anymore. You can't force yourself to want to f*ck someone, and sometimes the more familiar you get with someone the thought of sex with them becomes more and more weird, this is what happens in some relationships.

Ickle Magoo

aidan24326 wrote: »

I would agree with that view. People maybe have unrealistic expectations of still tearing each other's clothes off after x number of years, and it doesn't really work like that.

I disagree - I think a lot of people have low expectations for their own relationships longer-term and make do...and that's exactly why I'd suggest not settling for someone who only does it for the OP in the first blooms of a relationship.

OP, for his sake I'd cut ties - and try to find someone who does it for you in the bedroom as well as everywhere else, otherwise you are just selling yourself short.

All the best. :cool:

Mini2011

I could have write that -just been through the same. Ticked all the boxes as perfect boyfriend. Handsome and all but I lost attraction towards him and the thoughts of sleeping with him was such a turnoff. I was feeling trapped ad thought something was wrong with me.

It ended last nov and best thing that happened to me. Know it was right decision. Took a few wks to get on track but although I'd like it to work out , my body just kept pushing him away.

U can't control this. Best to leave it. You'll feel better afterward.
Best of luck !

Da Shins Kelly

It sounds like you've just gotten to a point where the relationship is more like a friendship. It might be hard to let go of someone who has been a significant part of your life for so long and you can still care about them deeply and love them, but if there's no attraction any more, then it sounds to me as if it's more of a platonic love than a romantic love.

Miss Fluff

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

I disagree - I think a lot of people have low expectations for their own relationships longer-term and make do...and that's exactly why I'd suggest not settling for someone who only does it for the OP in the first blooms of a relationship.

I'm 100% with this. Why would you "make do" with a relationship when you don't even fancy the person? People seem to settle for just that and excuse it as being part of a long-term relationship. It's not. Sex is so fundamental and essentially the differentiating factor between being a very close and trusted friend/companion to being all that but also someone's lover. If you simply cannot imagine having sex with this man then it's not right and you need to split up so that you can both have a chance of finding the real thing (which includes an active and fulfilling sex-life for BOTH of you).

LegacyUser

I empathise with you OP, going through something similar. But it tends to go up and down with dry spells then things getting bit better but nowhere near what a healthy sex life should be. The cynical side of me just knows this happens to relationships, and I truly believe women particularly start to lose interest sexually in the relationship at some stage or another, its kind of biological! But still that's not fair to the man because they need it constantly throughout the relationship. So where does that leave people? Continually going through perfectly good partners, then get married and ultimately the same will happen, but it doesn't matter because everyone expects this from marriage after a few years!! Sorry that's very cynical!! I do think stagnancy in a relationship particularly breeds sexual apathy, if the relationship is kept exciting and spontaneous, everything else will be, but who can keep that up? with financial issues, work stress, lack of work stress, the list is endless..o god its depressing!! But the OP was right to end it, what's the point in actually trying to force yourself, it's awful!!

LegacyUser

Such a common and re-curring theme, the spark has to be worked on and maintained like any part of a relationship, it is not static and cannot be pushed to one side, its the glue that keeps a couple together, once the initmacy and physical closeness is gone, then you are descending into companionship and friendship and ultimately an unfufilling relationship... Which may lead to feelings of something missing, wandering eyes, cheating possibly!

Work on it, see a sexual counsellor! Push the boundaries of what you are used to, tons of material out there on the internet!

davet82

If you have broken up and the appeal is not returning I wouldnt recommend trying again, the fact you talk to him all the time is probably the reason it is always on your mind. Do yourself and him a favour and go out and find somebody you are attracted to (i mean that in the nicest possible way)

Good luck

LegacyUser

aidan24326 wrote: »

I would agree with that view. People maybe have unrealistic expectations of still tearing each other's clothes off after x number of years, and it doesn't really work like that.

OP, if you really love each other why couldn't you have worked at the sexual side of it? Try and reignite the spark if you like. Now it might be that you're just better suited as friends but did you make an effort with the physical stuff? I agree with those who are saying that if the chemistry is gone you have to let him go, but at the same time be careful not to throw away something good for the wrong reasons.

Very good point. I am married for 15 years with 3 children and still can't get my hands off my husband Relationships take work and effort. Date nights without the kids and lots of communication, sexting and toys.

What helps is variety in the bedroom (and other places;)) because once sex becomes routine it becomes boring. To keep chemistry in a relationship there has to be work between both partners including open communication about sex. I made sure that I never got into the comfortable phase in my marriage. The part where you stop caring about your appearance, like not dressing up wearing makeup, gaining weight, no more sex, treating each other more like brother and sister than husband and wife were and are absolute nos for me and my husband. A strong friendship can bind the relationship but once you or your partner "neglect" themselves physically and each other emotionally sparks or the attraction will leave.

If it is as good as you say it is maybe it is worth trying to fix? Why not experiment more in the bedroom? Or start over again by just dating without sex. Re-acquaint yourselves personally and in the bedroom re-explore each other's bodies-try giving each other a full body massage. These are just my suggestions and if you have great connection and friendship then all your focus can be is re-igniting that spark. Don't be afraid to tell him what you want and he needs to be able to do the same.

Whatever you choose, good luck!

Virgil°

reignite that spark wrote: »

and still can't get my hands off my husband

I cant help but feel people who think they should get spark back are getting the wrong impression. I've both been the ex and the person doing the dumping in this scenario.
Its not a case of sex life just becoming a bit stale, but the idea of sex not being appealing at all with this person any more. There's no trying ,hard work or effort about it. In fact you feel like not wanting to make the effort because there's no point. You can reignite a stale sexual relationship but you cannot reignite the sexual attraction completely if its just gone.

I think you need to end this relationship OP.As hard as it is for you not being able to love your partner like that any more, trust me its twenty times harder for your partner .Regardless of how hard you are trying I guarantee your new behaviour is already hurting your partner immensely. IME this kind of spark never comes back. Cut him loose and let him find someone who wants him.