Considering a break from sex in relationship?

LegacyUser

Hi,

I'm feeling a bit confused and frustrated at the moment in my relationship and thought I would ask for some advice.

My gf and I have been seeing each other for a year and a half. I possibly see her as a very long term prospect, thngs are generally brilliant.

Since the start it has been clear that I have a much higher sex drive than her. Eventually we have sort of met in the middle ground and I have gotten her to open up and discuss sex - what she likes, doesn't like etc. so we could improve things.

Things have improved for a long time but since we came back from holiday a month or so ago things have went downhill again.

Whenever I suggest doing the things she usually likes she just says she's not in the mood for that (light bondage). She also doesn't want to try any positions any more other than missionary.

Being honest it's become very boring and the last time I really considered just stopping things as I felt she was just an "object" in the whole process rather than my girlfriend.

The thing is I have been considering suggesting that we take a break from sex for a while and see if that might re-kindle things. What do you think?

Ickle Magoo

I don't have good news, I'm afraid. I seriously doubt a break from sex is going to make someone who is happy to have breaks from vanilla sex want it more frequently and varied...in fact I think it will suit your girlfriend down to the ground while fostering more resentment in you.

I think sexual compatibility is very important as lack there of has the potential to cause resentment, anger and unfulfilment and ruin an otherwise pretty decent relationship. I think you need to lay your cards on the table and have a serious chat with your girlfriend about how serious an issue this is for you - but be careful as there's a fine line between being honest about how you feel and pressuring her or making it sound like an ultimatum.

It could well be you are going to have to live with the fact that she has different wants and needs, that this may be an issue that cannot be resolved via compromise without one or both of you getting resentful at being expected to do/do without - and if that's the case perhaps you'd be better off finding someone who you are more sexually compatible with?

All the very best.

LittleBook

Agree with everything Ickle said but this struck me:

November21 wrote: »

Things have improved for a long time but since we came back from holiday a month or so ago things have went downhill again.

What happened on holiday? I mean, did anything happen that you think might explain this sudden backslide in progress?

S23

I took it to mean that the sex was fine while on holiday but back but when they got back to 'normality' things regressed. Holiday sex always seems to be more wild for some reason doesn't it!

I agree with Ickle. Not completely but for the most part. There is a chance that a break from sex could have the desired effect and she'll be reinvigorated in the bedroom. It seems a slim one though. I mean she doesn't fancy it most of the time and she only wants to do it missionary. That's about as plain as it gets. Once a week missionary with the lights off isn't what you're looking for though.

Your foibles might not be too wild or weird but if shes not going to meet you half way then you're only going to get more frustrated. Sexually compatibility is huge in a relationship. As is compromise. You need to find some kind of middle ground IMO or it will start to impact badly on the rest of your relationship.

You will get frustrated about a) not having the kind of sex you want to have and b) having it somewhere near as frequently as you'd like. These kind of tensions tend to spill over and manifest themselves in other forms.

It's not earth shattering advice but you really just need to sit down and talk to her again. She made the effort once and you said things were fine. Maybe it was more of an effort than you realised and it's not something she feels she can sustain? If that's the case you've some serious thinking to do. But until you find out what is actually going on you're not in a position to act in an informed manner IMO! So I'd say no to the sex break until you actually hash things out. If it still seems the best thing to do after you talk then by all means go for it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

Nothing bad happened on holiday, we had a great time and sex was good etc. It's just for some reason things have regressed again.

Being honest I'd really like to sort this out as I do think we have a great thing going on.

So maybe the most sensible thing is to bring it up again and see how it goes.

I think I'm just a bit annoyed that the last time in particular it felt that I was having sex with some sort of object than a living, breathing person. Bit of a major turn-off being honest.

I do find it weird too that she is gone off the things that she originally brought up and wanted to try (spanking and light bondage).

Guess I'll see how it goes.

floorpie

Is there not a chance that you talked her into liking the things that you think she likes (bondage etc)?

I think it's pretty hard (or, impossible) to actually change someone, so if she's never been very sexual, then you'll have to work within those parameters, instead of getting her to become more sexual and then having her new sexual-openness being the new baseline. I amn't saying you couldn't work on it, you'll just have to stay conscious of the fact that she had to work to get to the 'open' stage.

LegacyUser

Hi floorpie,

Well I brought up the topic of what did she like and she brought it up of her own accord, which sort of surprised me.

So I went with it and we tried to build on that.

floorpie

Ok well it sounds like you know what you're doing, except fundamentally i guess you can't make her more up for something than she feels like. I know how frustrating it can be in your position, but we all do go through peaks and troughs of desire, depending on all sorts of factors. So assuming she's just in a bit of a trough, just make sure you don't build your own resentment by totally withdrawing from sex and that, if you do it, it has some sort of constructive basis (and try not to come across as sulking).

keaves

Maybe lay off having sex for a while no harm in trying something different until you definitely know that yous aren't compatible sexually and want to act on it.
Maybe she has other stuff going on in her head that's makes it hard to let go when at home?
Maybe she wants to have to come to you and 'work' for your attention rather than you always being there ready to go?
Just an idea but i think your right, back off from sex and just see what happens.
Also a really good chat when shes comfy and in the mood for talking might make her open up if something isn't ok with her

Humria

Going on holidays with a gf/bf can be difficult as you spend a lot of time around them and if you aren't used to that it can be daunting. My instant reaction to this is that her lessening interest is connected to something emotional. That could be something within the relationship or it may be unrelated. There may be something amiss on her part and it would be worth discussing it with her IMO. I wouldn't necessarily begin with questioning her about sex, rather ask whether everything is alright with you both as a couple and within her own life.

dearg lady

is she taking hormonal contraceptive, that can mess around with sex drive too

shellyboo

Sex, like any other physical need, is subject to a certain appetite, an instinct. Like exercise, say. Some weeks you'll be in an exercise headspace -- walks, the gym, restless and full of energy -- and other weeks you'll want to do nothing more taxing than sitting on the sofa.

Sex is the same. It's an instinct, and it's one that ebbs and flows throughout your lifetime. Let's say, hypothetically, that this woman is the one you'll be with forever. It would be silly to expect that you'd be at it like rabbits from now til you both wake up dead. You have to relax and hope that next week, or next month, her sex drive will have reached another peak and things will heat up again.

It's really important though not to freak out or worry every time sexual activity dips. It's perfectly natural (especially for women, as changing hormones greatly affect sex drive), and it might be worth considering what else is going on in life at the moment. Is she stressed? Tired? Upset with someone? Money worries? School, college, work stress? All these things can push sex out of focus for people.

Taking a break from sex entirely is not a good idea. She'll feel she's being punished, it will make her feel inadequate, and the last thing you want is to dent the sexual confidence you've both worked hard to develop.

Sex can't be all fireworks all the time. It takes physical, mental and emotional energy, and it has to be a two-way street. Sometimes it's routine! Sometimes it's not porno-worthy! But at the end of the day, you're still connecting with your partner in the most intimate way possible. That must count for something?

R.D. aka MR.D

Has she gained weight or anything recently?

I know from personal experience that a lack of body confidence can cause a lack of sex drive.

Other than that I agree with another poster that it could be the pill.


Another option is that she isn't as turned on by you anymore due to a lack of excitement etc that comes with being in a relationship for a while.


The most important thing is to try to talk to her about it without making it seem like you are complaining about there not being enough sex.