Can't handle drunk boyfriend

Mo MO

Hi all,
I really really think I need advice and maybe some help. I'm with my bf now 5 years and I love him to bits, only thing is when he gets drunk I can't handle it.

He goes hunting ( on horse back) every sat and part of the whole scene is drinking brandy before they go and also from a flask while hunting and they usually have a few afterwards. Today he fell off badly hurt his ankle and is bananas since 4pm .

Anytime I try to help he tells me go away, hd I'd a vert bad drunk and if usually ends in massive arguments. I hate it.

The minute I heard he was drunk I rang him and started a row. When he came home again I argued, why does he do this? Look at the state of you etc .

Why can't I just pug him to bed and leave it at that. He is the best during the week, works hard and he lives for the winter and his hunting . I get to jump all summer , which he helps me with 100%, and u can't do the sand for him.

Why do I get like this? I hate myself fof it and I know it will eventually drive him away.

Plz help

Thank you

C-J

Hi momo, first of all i want to say i'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and also have studied drug and alcohol addiction myself so i'm aware of the real pain that accompanies drunk behaviour. The number one step is for a person to realise that their drinking is becoming a problem. There is a thing called the wheel of change and at the moment i think your boyfriend is at the very first stage called pre contemplation ('i don't have a problem, i don't want to hear it, leave me alone' etc). I know you're trying to help but all the arguing and nagging in the world will not change his mindset. He thinks what he is doing is acceptable and to hell with the consequences. While you may think that because this doesn't happen regularly it isn't a problem, it already is due to his behavioural changes. What i would suggest is that you try to talk to him calmly, reasonably and use open ended questions (questions that cant be answered with a yes or no). Plant the seeds of doubt in his mind calmly, how his behaviour is making you feel etc, use positive affirmations but remain calm. Drinkers and substance users are the single biggest group capable of lying and manipulation -why? - because they are lying to themselves and justifying behaviours that hurt others. You can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink and all that! But i really recommend staying calm, i know you're pulling your hair out but he needs to know that you will not tolerate this behaviour.

The Lovely Muffin

When he goes hunting does he use a gun to shoot? I don't know anything about hunting or using guns, but surely if he's firing a gun he SHOULDN'T be drinking/drunk while doing so?

As for coming home drunk on a Saturday afternoon and causing rows, well, if my partner was behaving like that, I'd tell him to go home with whoever he goes hunting with and not to come home to me until he was 100% sober. I don't care if it's one day or ten days.

I understand it's only on Saturdays he does this, but I still don't think it's acceptable especially if he uses a gun. Does he not realize how dangerous, selfish and stupid it is? To use a loaded gun while drunk?

I have no problem with getting drunk, so long as no rows/trouble are caused, especially by whoever is drunk.

The minute I heard he was drunk I rang him and started a row. When he came home again I argued, why does he do this? Look at the state of you etc .

Honestly, I don't think you should have phoned him and starting an argument. I think you should have waited until he got home so you could see how drunk he actually was and maybe say something then, or just wait until he was sober before saying anything.

Mo MO

C-J wrote: »

Hi momo, first of all i want to say i'm the daughter of a recovering alcoholic and also have studied drug and alcohol addiction myself so i'm aware of the real pain that accompanies drunk behaviour. The number one step is for a person to realise that their drinking is becoming a problem. There is a thing called the wheel of change and at the moment i think your boyfriend is at the very first stage called pre contemplation ('i don't have a problem, i don't want to hear it, leave me alone' etc). I know you're trying to help but all the arguing and nagging in the world will not change his mindset. He thinks what he is doing is acceptable and to hell with the consequences. While you may think that because this doesn't happen regularly it isn't a problem, it already is due to his behavioural changes. What i would suggest is that you try to talk to him calmly, reasonably and use open ended questions (questions that cant be answered with a yes or no). Plant the seeds of doubt in his mind calmly, how his behaviour is making you feel etc, use positive affirmations but remain calm. Drinkers and substance users are the single biggest group capable of lying and manipulation -why? - because they are lying to themselves and justifying behaviours that hurt others. You can lead a horse to water but cant make them drink and all that! But i really recommend staying calm, i know you're pulling your hair out but he needs to know that you will not tolerate this behaviour.

Thank you cj
I am in tears reading this because you are right in everything you say. His mum is an alcoholic and even though he is not as bad when he does drink he cannot just have one or two he has to be legless. This time last year we broke up over the same thing and I promised I wouldn't nag as much and he said he wouldnt get rotten every weekend.

I hate the fights, they can get very heated and he can get very aggressive. But he has never hurt me physically.

He will never change, as much as I hope he won't.

I'm totally heartbroken, my friends think I'm over reacting , let him enjoy his Saturday it's only for 6 months!!!
Easy for them to say , try living with it.

Mo MO

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

When he goes hunting does he use a gun to shoot? I don't know anything about hunting or using guns, but surely if he's firing a gun he SHOULDN'T be drinking/drunk while doing so?

As for coming home drunk on a Saturday afternoon and causing rows, well, if my partner was behaving like that, I'd tell him to go home with whoever he goes hunting with and not to come home to me until he was 100% sober. I don't care if it's one day or ten days.

I understand it's only on Saturdays he does this, but I still don't think it's acceptable especially if he uses a gun. Does he not realize how dangerous, selfish and stupid it is? To use a loaded gun while drunk?

I have no problem with getting drunk, so long as no rows/trouble are caused, especially by whoever is drunk.

The minute I heard he was drunk I rang him and started a row. When he came home again I argued, why does he do this? Look at the state of you etc .

Honestly, I don't think you should have phoned him and starting an argument. I think you should have waited until he got home so you could see how drunk he actually was and maybe say something then, or just wait until he was sober before saying anything.

Hi purple,

No guns ard used. It's fox hunting on horse back using hounds.
Thank you for your advice

C-J

Has he always been this way or did something trigger this, a traumatic event, a loss? From my experience when somebody sets out to get legless its a case that they're trying to block something out, to forget, to feel numb. You can talk and talk until you're blue in the face, i know alcoholics whose wives have threatened to walk and take the kids and even this wasn't enough to stop them, the trigger in the persons head is like a fuse box and it needs to trip itself before the road to recovery can be set down. From what you've said he will never change, but i guarantee every family member of an alcoholic has said this. Please try the route of being calm and rational as much as you feel like killing him! There are so many useful websites, alcoholresponse.com, drugs.ie, drinkaware.ie, please look at them. I've been there, my father began drinking after my mothers death 18 years ago and after six years of solid drinking he has been tee total for nearly twelve years with the support of everyone around him. Things will get worse before they get better but please be strong! X

C-J

Just to add, from rereading it seems to me that your boyfriend could be using alcohol as a coping mechanism for his mothers own addiction. His hunting seems to be his outlet and release but its dangerous when the thing that gives him the most pleasure ie hunting can cause the most distress! The ethos of alcohol counselling is non judgement so softly softly all the way and you might crack the surface and get him to open up x

Toots

Mo MO wrote: »

Hi purple,

No guns ard used. It's fox hunting on horse back using hounds.
Thank you for your advice

Even still, galloping around on horseback while 3 sheets to the wind isn't safe. You say he's doing this 6 months out of the year, so that would mean that half the weekends of the year you spend arguing with him? Does he see anything wrong with that? Have ye tried discussing things rationally when he's sober and you haven't just had an argument?

cafecolour

Purple_Bobbin wrote: »

As for coming home drunk on a Saturday afternoon and causing rows, well, if my partner was behaving like that, I'd tell him to go home with whoever he goes hunting with and not to come home to me until he was 100% sober. I don't care if it's one day or ten days.

I second this. Tell him you can not handle him drunk, and he needs to find another place to stay when he is. If it's only the hunting on Saturdays, it can be planned in advance. Don't call him.

Bottle_of_Smoke

Mo MO wrote: »

I hate the fights, they can get very heated and he can get very aggressive. But he has never hurt me physically.

He will never change, as much as I hope he won't.

I'm totally heartbroken, my friends think I'm over reacting , let him enjoy his Saturday it's only for 6 months!!!
Easy for them to say , try living with it.

For me I often judge characters on what they're like when they're drunk.

Properly nice people become even nicer. A niceness often hidden by insecurity in sobriety.

Someone turning nasty and aggressive whilst drunk is a red flag for me. Makes me suspect they just know how to cover it up when sober.

6 months is half the year. I wouldn't want to put up with someone I don't enjoy being around for that length of time. The weekend is supposed to be a time you can relax and enjoy time with your partner.

There's no reason he has to get get drunk or even drink every week on the hunt. Insistence on it would be another red flag for me.

username123

Hi OP,
Im the child of an alcoholic and Ive been a member of Alanon for years so I totally understand where youre coming from.

Theres a really good article you should read - A Merry Go Round named Denial - here is a link to it - its long, but well worth a read, it illustrates the roles we fall into around the alcoholic and goes some way to explaining why things keep on happening the way they do.

I would advise you to go to an Alanon meeting, the behaviour your partner is displaying is very dysfunctional - his drinking is affecting someone, causing rows etc and he refuses to see it. He is not drinking that heavily or all the time, but thats not really the point, the point is that its problematic in his life when it happens. As Im sure you are aware, this kind of dysfunction runs through families, where the dysfunctional behaviour is passed on through the generations - its often said that alcoholism runs through families, but really its the dysfunctional behaviour that is learned from one generation to the next and it may not manifest as alcoholism at all but as some other problem, my brother is quite the control freak and wouldnt touch a drop of alcohol, my father was a terrible alcoholic, my grandfather wouldnt touch a drop because HIS father was a terrible alcoholic, but my grandfather had a gambling problem - so you can see just from those 4 generations in my own family, how dysfunctional behaviour passes on and on. Unless someone breaks the cycle by educating themselves and willfully changing their behaviour it goes on and on.

Anyway, Alanon may help you to get your head straight and try to have a think about things calmly and help you to detach and make better decisions and choices about what you want to do going forward.

Good luck.

Mo MO

hi All,

just to give you an update:

spent all day yesterday in casualty, broken ankle.
Sat him down last night and told him how i was feeling, how i feel when he comes home drunk, that I dont mind the odd blow out , but every second weekend is not right.
I explained that I could not go on like this anymore and if he continued that I would leave him. I expected an argument as always when I try to bring this up, but he said he was so sorry and that he didnt want to loose me, that I am his world and he would stop the drinking during hunting, that he didnt realise it had gotten that bad.

so all I can do now is wait and see if he means it. I am hopeful that he will.

thank you all for your advise and kind words,

M M xx

Farold

Mo MO wrote: »

Hi purple,

No guns ard used. It's fox hunting on horse back using hounds.
Thank you for your advice

Thats illegal in this country under animal cruelty laws. (or maybe thats just Stag hunting)

username123

Just from experience - its easy for someone with alcohol issues to promise the world in the middle of a crisis - like a broken ankle. Its also easy to promise to quit the behaviour when the broken ankle is going to prevent the behaviour for the next 6-8 weeks anyway.

So tread softly, that promise might fade away in a couple of months time when he is actually able to hunt and drink while doing it again.

I hope he does mean it - good luck.

Mo MO

Farold wrote: »

Thats illegal in this country under animal cruelty laws. (or maybe thats just Stag hunting)

This is not an issue about hunting, however it is not banned in this country, only stag hunting is.

Mo MO

username123 wrote: »

Just from experience - its easy for someone with alcohol issues to promise the world in the middle of a crisis - like a broken ankle. Its also easy to promise to quit the behaviour when the broken ankle is going to prevent the behaviour for the next 6-8 weeks anyway.

So tread softly, that promise might fade away in a couple of months time when he is actually able to hunt and drink while doing it again.

I hope he does mean it - good luck.

I completley agree with you, all i can do is wait and see. He has our 4 yr old daughter to consider and i have made it very clear that i will have no hesitiation to leave with her. I honestly believe that this time he means it, normally when i bring it up he gets defensive and we end up arguing and nothing gets resolved but last night I told him I loved him, that I would do anything for him, but that I cannot take him being drunk anymore. That he is two different people when drunk and sobar. He promised he would and all i can do is give him the chance to.