Messed up family situation post coming out

LegacyUser

I am a 22 year old gay guy. In college and since I started joined the GLBT club and have come out to a few friends. All went well so decided to tell my mum.

I live with her my stepdad and my half sibling (he's only 8) My biological father left when I was 7.

My mum unexpectedly went nuts when I told her. I thought she might be upset or shocked but she's been horrible. It was unexpected because she's never been homophobic before.

My stepdad's been ok but we never had a father and son relationship. He's just a guy married to my mum who I generally get on well with but he tends to back her up on everything. My mum barely speaks to me and my little brother is upset from all the tension. Its generally hell when I'm home. I try to stay in friends houses a lot and then when I come home my mum makes snide remarks insinuating I've been promiscuous with men.

About 2 weeks after I told I got a facebook message from my bio dad. He had no friends on it so obviously set it up to contact me. This is a man who has not contacted me since I was about 11. He had an affair and left us for the woman.

Apparently my mum contacted him to tell him the news and told him it was his fault because he walked out on us.

Anyway my dad was very nice in the message. He said he hopes I'm doing okay and not to feel like there's anything wrong with me. He said he always regrets how he behaved when I was younger and said he was deeply sorry.

I messaged him back saying I appreciated his message but I was pretty cold in general. I have been very angry at this man for most of my life.

There was some more contact a while later and I told him about my mum being horrible to me. He then offered me a room in his home. Didn't directly invite me but mentioned casually there's a spare room and I could stay any time I wanted. He now lives with a different women to the one he left us for. The address is actually closer to my college.

I'm pretty torn about this. I think it would destroy any hope of reconcilliation with my mum if I moved in with him and that may mean not seeing my little brother anymore. Also I still don't know how I feel about my dad. I still haven't met him. At the same time things cannot go on the way they are at my home.

any thoughts?

I think you can't really move in to stay with him, desperate as you are, while you don't know him.
It might also ruin any chance of getting to build a relationship together.
No, I think you're going to have to handle it separately.
Could you have another talk with your mum? How long has it been going on with a bad atmosphere with her? Maybe you could point out to her she's also being unfair on your little brother? Maybe she never had to deal with someone being gay before and is lashing out? It's not an excuse, she's your mother and should be supportive, but it could be a reason. Do you think giving her some literature to understand it's not... well, it's not what she seems to think it is or really anything else but normal, would help? like http://www.manpg.co.uk/guide_for_families_of_lesbian_and_gays

In the meantime arrange to meet your dad for a coffee or something and just have a light chat to start getting to know each other. But don't move there yet.

qwertytlk

Congrats on coming out. Having a gay best friend, i know it was hell for him.
Its good that its brought your dad back into your life. Understandbly your agnry with him, afterall you were very yong when he left. But now that your older and better able to understand the dynamics of grown up relationships/marriages maybe you should meet him for a coffee and a chat. Hear his side of the story?
Id say to move in now after only just getting back in contact may be a bit much for you both, but its still nice that he has offered and that he wants to support you, which in fairness is more than your mothers doing. She is being absloutley ridicilous... I mean making snide comments etc?! Saying your dad walking outhas 'made you gay'! Shes behaving like a child. I know its probably come as a shock to her, but still. Anyway maybe give her time to get used to it anyway and see how things pan out. Try sit her down for a chat about it. Or your stepfather. Maybe you could talk to him and he could then have a word to her? Because something needs to change at home, not just for you and your mother, but for your brother as he is still a child and the negative atmosphere will be doing him no good either.

cafecolour

Hmm. Well, first, look on the bright side. Everyone, it seems, has been neutral to supportive except your mother. I know that's a big except, but it could be a lot worse.

I think (given my own experience) that your mother will get 'better' once she gets used to it. I know that's not much help now. She probably had fantasies of marriage and grandchildren from you that are all crashing down aroudn here nw.

Moving in with your father w/o knowing him is a rapid step. I'd second the advice to have coffee with him for the moment. Can you move out into your own flat (i.e. not mother or father).

You could try talking to your mother. Perhaps suggesting you just not talk about it (suggest to her that she pretend you never told her or such) to attempt to diffuse the tension until she adjusts. Or have a convo with you stepfather, ask his 'advice' about the situation, see if you can enlist his support.

Good luck. Really though, in general, people get better, but it does take a lot more time than you expect. My parents, it took about 3-4 years before they were fully supportive, and I was only living with them the first year of it (when I was 17).

Taltos

OP - try to give your mother sometime - as posted above she really is acting like a child here - and not a very nice one at all.

Fair dues though on your father getting in touch and being so supportive. I know you probably harbour alot of resentment towards him but don't let this opportunity slip by - try to stay in touch, meet up for coffee and try to get to know each other. Take it slowly and try not to let his leaving your mother colour your feelings of him too much. None of us including you really know what happened there...

In the meantime is there any chance you can limit your visits home? Maybe take out your stepbrother to the cinema or just spend time with him so he doesn't feel abandoned?
Also - try not to get drawn into your mother's tirades. In your head imagine all that she will come out with and have a calm adult response ready - and if you don't just don't reply or acknowledge her spiteful words. Maybe even suggest mediation to her - not sure but maybe your club in college has contacts with some services - or ask some of the others to see how they have dealt with it.

I'm not gay personally, but I always admired the courage it took to coming out. Unfortunately I don't have much to add here, but I just wanted to say fair play.

Guess the only thing I can add is that eventually your mother should calm down and see what she's doing. You have your father's and, while you're not close to him, your step-father's praise. Perhaps look into moving out of home? Give your mother some time to think.

Forgot to add that there is an LGBT forum here on boards, just in case you weren't aware.

touch.boards.ie/forum/255 (as you can tell, I'm on my mobile, so that will take you to the touch version of this site)

CdeC

Sorry to hear this OP,

I would advise that perhaps you get some literature for your mum to read. She is not taking it well and she deep down might blame herself.
She needs to know that it's noones fault.

Also well done on coming out, It may seem tough now but things will pick up. Try and rely on friends and with your Dad I wouldn't advise you to move in but maybe you could visit the odd time. Might be a great chance to start the process of reconciliation if that is what you want......that'll take time too.

Best of luck.

Ickle Magoo

Deleted User wrote: »

Forgot to add that there is an LGBT forum here on boards, just in case you weren't aware.

touch.boards.ie/forum/255 (as you can tell, I'm on my mobile, so that will take you to the touch version of this site)

Thanks for that babm, standard link to LGBT forum HERE. :cool:

rainbow kirby

Ickle Magoo wrote: »

Thanks for that babm, standard link to LGBT forum HERE. :cool:

Anonymous posting is enabled over there too if the OP wants/needs to use it.

curlzy

First of all OP, a very big well done. You're only 22 and yet you found the courage to come out. You have my respect. I have gay friends, some who's parents were supportive, some that took a couple of days to absorb the news and were then supportive and then the third group who've had to cut their parents out of their lives. It really sounds to me that your mother is a pathetic homophobe, there really isn't alot you can do with that kind of ignorance. If I were you I'd cut contact as much as possible with her, arrange to take your step brother out to cinema etc and work on building your relationship with your dad. If you're living away from home permanently you should be able to get some support from social welfare, rent allowance etc, especially if you inform them of your mother's homophobia. Either way it's up to your mother to cop the f*ck on and educate herself and apologise. It's not up to you to sort her head out and I really feel that you shouldn't subject yourself to homophobia just because you're related to her.

Whatever happens the very best of luck.

Beruthiel

20sman wrote: »

My mum unexpectedly went nuts when I told her. I thought she might be upset or shocked but she's been horrible. It was unexpected because she's never been homophobic before.

As my daughter is around your age, I'm assuming that your mother is around mine. I must say I am very disappointed at her reaction.
I expected that people of my generation had grown out of the crap that came before us.

I have always been of the opinion that any parent who would turn on their own child like this as appalling behaviour.
As a parent, you love your child unconditionally.
She has no right to treat you like this.
You were brave enough to tell her who you really are and for her to turn her back on you like this is not the way to reward honesty. Nor is it good parenting.

As for your bio Dad.
I'm going to guess he regrets not staying in contact with you.
He did not need to set up an account and get in touch. So, the fact that he did means that there is some regret there.
You do have a right to know him. If you have had issues with him all your life because of him leaving, it might actually do you good to meet up.
Do not move in with him, instead, see him for coffee.
See if you would actually like a relationship with him.
After you get to know him, perhaps you will like to move in. But I wouldn't suggest it right off the bat.
Well done to him btw for at least supporting you.

If there is any where else you can move to, I'd recommend it.
You don't need or deserve to be treated like this by your mother and if you can get away from her until she calms down, that would be advisable.
It might also help her to cop on if she realises she could loose you over this.

Remember, you did nothing wrong here hon.

LegacyUser

People handle things in different ways. I do not for one single second defend the way your mother is treating you but maybe she was ok with gay people in general, but feels differently now that its her own son?
I moved out when I was 18. I am now 28 and love every second of my independence. I dont mean to sound harsh but you are an adult now. You are 22 years old and can move out by yourself and rent a flat on your own. You are not limited to chosing to live with either one of your parents. You are a young man and can (and should) experience living independly now.
Give your mother time and space. Sit down and calmly explain to her that this is how you are, not a choice that you made, and that it is never going to change. Tell her you love her and value her opinion and would like her approval but one way or the other this is who you are and her behaving this way will not change you.
As for your father. Let me tell you, I did not meet my own father until I was nearly 21. I had gown up as an only child and also discovered I had 7 half siblings, most of whom I met.
My father and I got on very well up until a point but without going into details he showed his true colours quite soon and I was forced to sever all contact with him and my half siblings which broke my heart. OP, this man is your father and thats no small thing. Of course you should meet him but you have no idea who you are dealing with yet. Im sure hes ok but the way to get to know each other is slowly and cautiously, esp, given his history with you and your mother. Dont move in with him.
Get a little place of your own where you can be an adult and live your life on your own terms. I bet you anything your mother will become more accepting when you visit occasionally rather than live there. Well done for taking the plunge and coming out and I wish you the very best in this new chapter of your life.

Firetrap

I think you really need to move out of home if you can. Would it be possible for you to get your own flat or move into a house-share? Social welfare/rent allowance? Contact your SU - they might have information that would help.

I'm not sure how you can handle the situation with your mum. She hasn't calmed down after the initial shock so really, home life is not going to be pleasant. Maybe moving out and maintaining some sort of contact with her would be the best thing to do in the short-term. If nothing else, staying there's going to have a bad effect on your little brother. Not nice. The people in the Gay & Lesbian forum will surely have some good advice to give you as to how to handle homophobic parents.

As for your dad, don't move in with him but take time to get to know him. Your mum obviously still hates his guts but that's between the two of them. He is your father and it's your call whether you want to build a relationship with him.