Nice guy, scared him off

izzy93

Hey all, I need advice about my man troubles! I should start this story by saying that I've been single for waaaay too long, and am looking for a boyfriend, though not having much luck lately.

So starting from the beginning- I was at a work night out a few weeks ago, out in the smoking area, got chatting to a guy who basically started acting like a dickhead towards me. Then another guy, let's call him Dave, who works in the same place as me but I hadn't met him before (we both just started) swooped in and made the first guy apologise. It felt great for somebody to stand up for me like that, and it didn't hurt that he was tall and handsome either. Anyway, after the first guy had gone, myself and Dave got chatting and were getting on great, and at the end of the night he asked me if I wanted to go back to his flat. I told him he was a really nice guy but I wasn't that type of girl. He basically said that was grand, that he likes a girl with some standards, and he asked me to dinner the next night.

Anyway all good so far, we went out to a restaurant the next night and to a pub after, again got on great with each other, definite spark between us. We were scoring a bit in the pub and hit the dance floor a few times, dancing close to each other, you know how it goes. At the end of the night Dave said something like "So I'll walk you home now if you're ready. Obviously you're free to come back to mine for a drink if you want". I figured it was the first date and I didn't want to rush anything, so I said I'd just go home, which again he was fine with, walked me to my door, gave me a kiss, perfect gentleman.

The next week we saw each other at work, he texted me and we met up for lunch one of the days, when he asked me to go to a comedy gig with him on the Saturday night. The gig ended early enough, and Dave said something like "I've a bottle of wine at home with our names on it" basically asking me to come back. I would have gone back to his except that it had totally gone out of my head that I'd have my period that weekend when I said I'd go out. Obviously that ruled out any sexy times, so I turned him down again. We'd again been getting on great and kissing and stuff throughout the night, but he definitely seemed a bit disappointed this time when I turned him down, even though he didn't say anything. He again walked me home, just a quick peck on the doorstep this time instead of a full on kiss.

So not much contact from him at work this week, met him in the corridor and we chatted for a minute or two but didn't meet up or anything. Then tonight there was another work night out cause we're all off tomorrow, and he didn't really come over to talk to me at all. He was chatting to a girl for a lot of the night, I basically got the impression he was maybe chatting her up. Then my best friend, nosy bitch that she is (I love her really!) got chatting to him and basically said "So are you going to ask [my name] out again or what!?" Obviously I was morto, but anyway after my friend fecked off myself and Dave got chatting and he basically told me that I was great craic and that he'd had a good time last week, but that he didn't really see it going anywhere

I don't know what to do now, I really like him, I think he may actually be the best looking guy I've ever seen, and he's really nice and chivalrous and interesting and funny too! Do you think he's not interested cause we didn't have sex and maybe he thought I was leading him on or something? Is there any way to fix it and get him to ask me out again? I obviously can't tell him the truth, I don't really know what to do now. Seeing him talking to that skinny good looking bitch tonight made me so jealous, how do I get him interested in me again before they end up going out and he forgets all about me!?

dave3004

Your only 18 ! No need for a boyf. Enjoy your single life !

watna

The more important question is do you want to be with someone that went off you because you wouldn't have sex with him after seeing him three times? I certainly wouldn't. If you think that's what happened (and there's no way of knowing for sure unless you actually ask him), then I'd stay clear of him, tbh, no matter how good looking you think he is.

RebelBOK

leonidas83 wrote: »

is that you Dave, stop being a dickhead

Hahahaha almost choked on my cocopops when i read that, brilliant!:D
I am from the male species and can unfortunatly confirm that yes we have been known to be guilty of thinking with our penises. From reading your post i very much think ``Dave`` is thinking with his penis. My advice, forget him and move on and find a guy thats willing to go at your pace and wait. Under no circumstances just have sex with him to try and win him back! If he lost interst in you that quick than he`s not the one and will prob just lose interest in you as quick after ye sleep together a few times except now he`s got a happy penis and well your just not happy. The right man will come along just be patient.

watna

watna wrote: »

The more important question is do you want to be with someone that went off you because you wouldn't have sex with him after seeing him three times? I certainly wouldn't. If you think that's what happened (and there's no way of knowing for sure unless you actually ask him), then I'd stay clear of him, tbh, no matter how good looking you think he is.

A similarly appropriate question would be 'Why would he want to be with a girl who has made no effort or shown any interest?'
He asked you out several times, he texted, he approached you. What have you done to show you are keen? You don't seem to have initiated anything at all, even watching him talk to someone else all night without walking over to him.
This isn't some stupid rom-com. If you made no effort, you have nothing to complain about.
He clearly likes you. If he was only interested in sex he wouldn't ask you to lunch.

strobe

watna wrote: »

The more important question is do you want to be with someone that went off you because you wouldn't have sex with him after seeing him three times? I certainly wouldn't. If you think that's what happened (and there's no way of knowing for sure unless you actually ask him), then I'd stay clear of him, tbh, no matter how good looking you think he is.

To be fair, on the flip side of that. Sometimes from the guys perspective it can seem like the girl is doing some kind of 'oh I'll make him wait' stupid mind game crap or running a sort of childish 'if he won't keep chasing me for x amount if time without getting sex then he's not good enough' test, which is a massive turn off in its self. It's not so much about the fact the sex isn't forthcoming quick enough or anything, it's that that kind of behaviour can hint at very undesirable character traits.

ArphaRima

stupid mind game crap or running a sort of childish 'if he won't keep chasing me for x amount if time without getting sex then he's not good enough' test, which is a massive turn off in its self

Agreed.

OP I would have given up too.

that skinny good looking bitch

probably knew better.
You'll get another chance in future. Just send better signals next time.

izzy93

realdanbreen wrote: »

Oh for God's sake! will you just have sex with him!
It's no big deal, you were going to have sex with him eventually anyway.
Why do women keep dragging it out and making a big song & dance about it.

I wasn't making a big deal though! I would have had sex with him that night if I could have! I see what you all mean though about him thinking I'm playing mind games. From my point of view I didn't sleep with him on the first date and couldn't on the second. From his point of view we had the first night we met, then dinner the next night, then lunch the next week, then another date at the weekend- arguably the FOURTH date- I might have come across as uptight or a bit "frigid" for want of a better word when I'm really not!

I agree with one of the posters above- if he didn't try to sleep with me I'd be annoyed cause I'd feel ugly! It was nice that he was interested without being pushy. Anyway, it's ruined now, how do I fix it? Like what can I say to him?

Sunnyisland

Imo If he was interested in you for being you he would be still interested, Obviously he is just Interested in having sex with you and if that's all you want you can approach him, if not forget him.You can do better.

TelePaul

I think he marked your cards well in advance - you have your first chat over a cigarette and he asks you back to his place? Bit much. Forget him.

Storminateacup

I remember my OH before he was my OH saying something like "men like easy things. go out, and try for a bit, and if it's not sucessful, move on to the next one." so true.

Wibbs

Better here OP.

foxyboxer

So you met him the first night and he asked you back to his place.
He asked you back again on the 'first date'. Then it was a case of 'a bottle of wine with our names on it'. He's hardly subtle is he.

he didn't really see it going anywhere

Yes, not to the bedroom. If he was interested in something more, he'd still be interested. It's obvious he wants to throw i around a bit. I wouldn't dwell on him OP. Remember the phrase "their only after the one thing". This guy Dave perpetuates this myth.

Taltos

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Taltos

I don't think there's anything wrong with the guy wanting sex after 4 dates, there's no need to be trotting out the "he's only after one thing" line at all

OP if you really want to you could talk to him and explain it was just bad timing and you are interested in taking things further?
I'm not saying he's definitely not only after one thing though, just that we don't really know, so there is a chance of it
i think i would write it off to experience. especially since you work together anyway, always best to be cautious about that in case things go wrong...

I am a friend

izzy93 wrote: »

he basically told me that I was great craic and that he'd had a good time last week, but that he didn't really see it going anywhere

Take him at his word.... You shouldnt have to shag someone to keep them and looks like you would be willing to sleep with him just to get him 'back'... There would be no guarantee after you sleep with him that he would hang around so I would move on and let him off.

newport2

Move on and forget about him.

If a guy is really into you, he won't go anywhere after seeing you a couple of times. If he's been out with you on 3 dates and was ready to walk away, then he would have walked away after 3 dates and a shag too.

Any girl I ever dated I've either been interested or not, it wasn't really influenced by how quickly things happened (frustrating as it could sometimes be). If someone appears to lose interest after a short time because of no sex, then it's obviously the sex they were primarily interested in.

curlzy

I'm deeply disturbed by the fact people think you should sleep with someone because you've been out with them 3 times:mad::(:eek:. Going by that logic if you date a person for 3 weeks and then move onto the next person, within a year you'll have slept with 17 people? That's 85 people in 5 years. No wonder AIDS is getting a foothold over here:(.

Seriously OP, any guy that dumps you because you haven't slept with them after 3 dates is; a) a creep, b) an immature asshole or c) deeply disrespectful of women. So all in all that guy is not a keeper.

You're 18 so here's some advise; never do something YOU aren't into just to keep a guy. Respect yourself as much as you respect others and you won't go far wrong. You'll find a different better guy soon OP.

foxyboxer

curlzy wrote: »

I'm deeply disturbed by the fact people think you should sleep with someone because you've been out with them 3 times:mad::(:eek:. Going by that logic if you date a person for 3 weeks and then move onto the next person, within a year you'll have slept with 17 people? That's 85 people in 5 years. No wonder AIDS is getting a foothold over here:(.

Seriously OP, any guy that dumps you because you haven't slept with them after 3 dates is; a) a creep, b) an immature asshole or c) deeply disrespectful of women. So all in all that guy is not a keeper.

You're 18 so here's some advise; never do something YOU aren't into just to keep a guy. Respect yourself as much as you respect others and you won't go far wrong. You'll find a different better guy soon OP.

+1. OP just because he has good looks, does not mean he has good nature. Chalk it down as experience. The fact that he was interested suggests you're attractive so there's plenty of options going forward.

LegacyUser

izzy93 wrote: »

Anyway, after the first guy had gone, myself and Dave got chatting and were getting on great, and at the end of the night he asked me if I wanted to go back to his flat. I told him he was a really nice guy but I wasn't that type of girl. He basically said that was grand, that he likes a girl with some standards, and he asked me to dinner the next night.

First he asked you back to his place THE FIRST TIME YOU MET HIM. You said no, then he had the cheek to say 'I like a girl with standards'. Total bull in my opinion. Where were his standards when he wanted to take you back to his flat within a few hours of meeting? He didn't know you from Eve! You can also add in the fact that 'Dave' thought it was his place to say the line 'I like a girl with standards'. It beggars belief! Who did he think he was, going around handing out platitudes like his opinion mattered? You were only talking to him a few hours at that stage OP!

I'd stay away from him if I were you OP. He sounds like a total sleaze!

parrai

How about this...

You work together, you had a 'spark', chemistry, so this, to my mind means, there is something there. Don't be impetus.

Continue on as you were before, he will still be attracted to you... If you change now, ie come across as being more 'interested' than before, it is going to look off. Also you are going to be 'pushing' it, somewhere it wouldn't being going naturally, which after all is what you liked about it in the first place.

Don't go looking for something 'serious' because you are likely to be disappointed, take it slowly, as a bit of fun, that way if it happens, you know it'll be genuine and fun.

18 (if you are, going by username) is a time for exploration, finding out/understanding who YOU are...

Remember, you see him everyday at work, blokes are simplistic at the best of times, just say Hi, be yourself, and he'll be back.

Best of luck...

izzy93

Judging by the responses most of you seem to think he was only after sex and I should just leave it. I will try to take that on board but I think I misrepresented him a bit. He always left it open for us to go back to his but he was never pushy about it or anything. And we have spent hours chatting and hanging out on several separate occasions so we were connecting on a personality level too!

I would never have sex with a guy if I wasn't ready just to keep him, as some of you suggested. But the fact is that I was ready to have sex with him, it was just bad timing. I have no problem with guys expecting sex after a few dates to be honest, I think that's pretty normal, in fact if the shoe was on the other foot and he wouldn't have sex with me I would be a bit miffed, I'd start to wonder what was wrong with me!

As some of you have noticed I'm only 18, he is 24 so I'm just worried he thinks I'm immature and not worth wasting his time with. Anyway it probably doesn't matter now. There's a small possibility he'll be at a house party I'm going to later so I'll see how it goes. Thanks for the advice!

LegacyUser

There's nothing wrong at all with having sex with someone on the first date, second date etc. But it depends on the person OP. This 'Dave' guy is applying standards to you without applying standards to himself. He thinks it's ok for him to sleep with somone a few hours after meeting them, yet doesn't think it's right for women to do the same thing. He gave that clue away when he said 'I like a girl with standards'.

'Standards' me eye. The only standards he has are double standards!

BraziliaNZ

Honestly, there's nothing wrong with asking a girl back you just met. One good relationship I had started with us meeting drunk and banging each other. He may have just been sick of it, some people want sex sooner than others, it's important to have that chemistry there and sometimes I can't relax with someone I'm dating until I get sex out of the way. Then again you're 18, I'm not too sure how it works with young ones.

missbelle

His loss, I reckon

iguana

It's also perfectly possible that this has absolutely nothing at all to do with sex. You guys hung out a few times, got to know each other and in the process of getting to know you maybe he just figured out that you didn't have enough in common for a relationship.

mathproblem

Em.. in the first place fair play to you for not having sex if it doesn't feel right, and I wouldn't worry about scaring people off

He could have been just a guy who was after sex only, was fairly up front about it and when it didn't happen he moved on, nothing wrong with that. If you are ever in a different place in you head with regards to sex and fancy a casual one nighter I dare say you could call him up easy enough.

On the other hand he may have been hurt by the rejections and felt a bit strung along. It's a bit over sensitive imo, but possible. In that case all you can do is be sincere, tell the person that you really do like them and that you will have sex when you're ready just not now. If they are approaching the new relationship with the same attitude as you(ie. lets see where this goes) then they should be fine to carry on getting to know you and let it happens when it happens.

It just sound like this guy was always trying to get to the finish line and gave up after a couple of tries. No big loss.

The sex is always gonna be better with a girl who is ready and really wants you than with someone who is aprehensive, so he missed a trick by being too hasty.

fungun

Why dont you just ask him out for lunch? Dont say anything about the sex, just it makes it clear you are interested in him, esp if he felt rejected and thats why he isnt asking you out any more.

I am a friend

fungun wrote: »

Why dont you just ask him out for lunch? Dont say anything about the sex, just it makes it clear you are interested in him, esp if he felt rejected and thats why he isnt asking you out any more.

OP you see responses like this, to posts like yours, being put up here all the time, by optimists... It never works out... Let him off and he knows where you are if he wants you.

fungun

I am a friend wrote: »

OP you see responses like this, to posts like yours, being put up here all the time, by optimists... It never works out... Let him off and he knows where you are if he wants you.

he does know where she is.....and has asked her out a few times already, which suggests he actually did want her.

Question is has he gone a bit cooler because he thinks he is not going to get laid quickly enough for him/doesnt like her as much as he thought/doesnt know if she feels the same.

Only the OP can judge the likelihood of each....

mathproblem

izzy93 wrote: »

got chatting and he basically told me that I was great craic and that he'd had a good time last week, but that he didn't really see it going anywhere

This seems to me like he put a pretty clear full stop at the end of things.

I thought the question was if she scared him off & the answer that No, youse just wanted different things... as opposed to a question of trying to ressurect this relationship itself.