Can't stop thinking about him....10 years later

nickler

Long story short...met my first love(Tom*) at 16 we were together for 4 years, we were madly inlove, moved in together, got engaged....everyone told us we were too young. Well Tom was 6 years older than me. I broke it off, I was heart broken, when I look back now I don't know why, maybe I thought there was something more out there for me.
Well now 10 years later, two kids and a failed marriage, and I still think about tom. My marriage ended last year, was with my husband for 6 years, it was an on and off relationship, no true spark, not when I compare it to tom.
Well last year when my marriage ended tom sent me a message on FB, just basically saying it was sad how we don't speak or even acknowledge each other and that he was sorry for any bad things he might have ever said about me after we split. I sent back a message saying thanks for the message and it would be nice to stay friends, tom has a girlfriend now. He added me as a friend and deleted me the next day.
Haven't heard anymore from tom since, I think his girlfriend may have seen our message on fb....
I have seen tom a few times locally around the town, we look in each others direction but there is never any words exchanged.
A guy he knows told me that tom said letting me go was the biggest regret of his life, this guy said tom talks about me alot, and regularly looks me up on fb.
What do you all think...does it sound like tom is still interested in me???
An ex of toms actually told me she began to hate me when she was seeing tom because he kept every card and letter and photo from our relationship.
So confused, why am i thinking about him, is it just a rebound....i don't know.
The thing is he has a girlfriend now...they seem happy or are they:????
Hope i'm making sense

Oryx

It sounds to me like you may be chasing after a dream. You have been through a tough time and are now single and are harking back to that special relationship and raking over old mistakes. The decision you made then cannot be changed, the life you have been through since cant be changed either, and I really think that even if Tom is or was the love of your life, you are looking at the whole thing through rose tinted glasses right now.

There was a time when you moved on past Tom and got married and all of that. I know you say there was never the same 'spark' but every relationship is different, perhaps the difference may have had more to do with your maturity, I dont know. But regardless of how special you think he is, these facts remain:

He has a girlfriend. Whether she is right for him or makes him happy is not your concern, its his.
He added you on fb and then deleted you. For whatever reason he does not want to be in touch with you.

Do I think this is all a rebound? Yes. You want happiness and are looking backwards at a better time in order to find it. Just because you may have made a mistake in breaking up with him all those years ago does not mean that you must correct that mistake. It may not be the right thing to do in spite of all your regret and feelings that he is the one. He may well be, but all signs from his side point to him trying to stay 'moved on' from you.

nickler

Thanks oryx.
Think you are right, he has moved on. Just needed to hear someone say it.
Just need to get him out of my head now and move on with my life.
Have been through a tough time with my ex husband, a lot of court and safety order issues, so maybe I am just looking back on the good old days with tom.
Wish he had never contacted me in the first place, i wouldn't be left wondering what if....

nickler

ok so one more point to make....maybe I am just imaging things....But just to say....when tom added me on fb, he also added my sister, he didn't delete her the next day!
He kept in touch with her and would private chat with her, sometimes mentioning me.
My sister did eventually delete him because she felt awkward with him having a gf and asking about me.
Also my ex husband has put the threat around to kill any man he sees near his wife, the guy who knows tom, told me tom had heard this too and wasn't impressed.

Well that's everything...

aidan24326

nickler wrote: »

Thanks oryx.
Think you are right, he has moved on. Just needed to hear someone say it.
Just need to get him out of my head now and move on with my life.
Have been through a tough time with my ex husband, a lot of court and safety order issues, so maybe I am just looking back on the good old days with tom.
Wish he had never contacted me in the first place, i wouldn't be left wondering what if....

You were very young at the time and even if ye had stayed together who's to say how that would have turned out? How many people you know met someone at 16 and ending up spending the rest of their life with them? It can happen but it's pretty rare, and chances are you and Tom might well have gone your separate ways eventually.

If you got back with him now you might find the old spark wasn't even there anyway, that you'd both changed and moved on with your lives.

LegacyUser

Maybe he feels the same way about you.

I think that all relationships need that spark to start them off anyway.

How long has he been going out with this girl for? IS it only a short term thing.

Maybe it wouldn't be as great as before but I honestly believe that there are some connections that we make which never really change. I can think of a few girls I've known who I regret never making a proper go of it with.

No matter how hard we look for it, they do not come naturally.

If he talks about you regularly then it could be a case that he still has feelings for you. And who knows, it might be similar to the way it was 10 years ago.

You do need to question as to why you split with him in the first place.

Was it due to some issues you guys had? Was it because you didn't see a future with him? etc....

I used to reminisce about an ex of mine...... I really started to miss her. One day it just dawned on me "I don't miss HER. I miss the idea I have in my head of HER". It was when I was single and I thought back to the fun times, not to the times when I realised that we had nothing in common.

nickler

thanks aidan, I know exactly what you mean, that is the advice I would give to someone in my position also....right clean slate for me, i'm moving on, the past is the past.

emmabrighton

I do that too. I have been going through a bad patch with my partner for a while now and we are only now seperating all our things and calling it a day. But, I have always thought back to my first love. He was not my first boyfriend but the first and only person that I could never get close enough to. He was my best friend but we got complacent and in the end we split up. For the first couple of years we kept in contact and met up every week/every second week and acted like boyfriend and girlfriend but it was only harming me because I still felt all those emotions for him. After he went away to OZ, I was able to move on. I got with another guy but my ex would always contact me on my birthday. Thing is, we met up once or twice but the old spark had faded. He was just another guy by then. Then, one year, the birthday wishes stopped. For a while I felt rejected but I assume he had met someone new. Thing is breaking all ties was the best thing that could have happened for me. I was still clinging on to something that had evaporated years ago. I still miss him from time to time but like the other poster said - it was the idea of him, not him.

Best of luck, keep your chin up and dont contact him

I am a friend

nickler wrote: »

thanks aidan, I know exactly what you mean, that is the advice I would give to someone in my position also....right clean slate for me, i'm moving on, the past is the past.

I dont agree. I am back with my 'tom' after many many years are we are having our first baby and happier than ever.... I do think we were too young at the time but the banter and the affection and what attracted us in the first place is still there.

We were friends in the meantime (even if it only meant a text once a year) so maybe thats the difference but I would first of all find out, from Tom, if he is single or not... If he is then what do you have to lose.

nickler

ok thanks for all the replies...
i am so confused, i wouldn't contact tom, he has a girlfriend so i wouldn't be comfortable with that, they are together around 2 years
i do get upset when i see them together....and i know he doesn't know how to react when he see's me, he acts nervous if that makes sense....

I am a friend

Well then you are scuppered.... He may break up with her in the future and it does sound like he has unresolved feelings but if you cant make a move then you have to park it and forget him.