How did you tell your parent(s)? In Person/Phone/Letter?

amydances

I am sorry if this topic has been repeated recently..I tried to search for a thread on it...
For ages now, I've been trying to beat down an inner brick wall and tell my mother that i am gay, in a long term relationship etc...
It sounds ridiculous when I read what I've written because I am a 38 year old woman and the biggest whuss!
I have at last reached a point of where I am desperate to get the deed done else my sanity will go...I would say my mother and I have a fair relationship, certainly not emotionally close but polite!!
I am drawn very much to writing her a letter as i can express much better by word...even though a little voice in my head tells me it's a cowardly approach but then again I want to do whats right for me this time...

How did you tell your folks??

L.Jenkins

Everyones approach to coming out is different. I knew I could never say what needed to be said at a particular moment in time as the reactions I considered would always be different in real life. So I wrote a letter. Granted it may seem cowardly, but it gives time for things to sink in without the scourge of bad reactions and only questions can come from that.

It's entirely up to you and what's best for you at the end of the day. You're 38, I think you're at a point in your life where lack of communication between you and your mum wouldn't ultimately affect you, so you can still proceed until things calm down if all doesn't go well.

Any way, I wish you the best of luck and hope it all goes well.

dreamer_ire

I spoke to my folks together but as ITMA says, everyone is different.

You could write her a letter, give it to her and wait in another room while she reads it. It might give you the opportunity to say exactly what you want, and at the same time be there if she wants to talk about it with you.

Shakti

I told my mum face to face I suppose it was spur of the moment if it can be considered such at 39. Huge anti-climax and a disappointing reaction made me ask myself why I give a damn what other people think at all.

baby and crumble

I woke up one day and decided to tell my Mum. Poor woman nearly choked on her lunch.

She told my Dad for me, and he sort of ignored it for a few months, then we chatted, and it was cool. I had no major issues. I know I'm lucky in how great and supportive my family have been, most people I know have experienced at least a bit of weirdness.

I made sure I was prepared for the worst- ie being thrown out and unsupported. No need.

Animord

I don't think writing a letter is cowardly. I think it can be the kinder option for the receipient. Telling someone something that is likely to shock them in person gives them no opportunity to rationally think about the subject. You get the first reaction, which can range from acceptance, to horror and dismay - "my kid's life is ruined, what would the neighbours think" etc etc which then upsets both the teller and the recipient, and may well not be the reaction that the person who is being told actually wants to give (given some time to think).

A letter gives the person a little time to digest the news and not say the stupid things that we blurt out in moments of stress, which then haunt everyone for ever.

Caiseoipe19

While I told mine in person because I thought that in writing would be taking the eeasy way out etc. like you. The more I think of it though, I don't see what's wrong with writing. It's not as if this is something bad that you've done and you think that you should confess in person and be there to be held accountable for your actions. Also, as said above, I think it's actually a good thing to give them a bit of space to gather their thoughts before talking to you instead of being put on the spot...

amydances

Thanks everyone for the opinions and stories..it is SO heartening to read them...

L1011

Drunkenly. And they'd already guessed.

rainbow kirby

A close friend outed me to my family, they'd guessed years before but hadn't wanted to ask the question.

floggg

Giving them a letter and waiting in another room might work.

I did it face to face to the people that matter - regardless of their reaction I didn't want them to feel that I wasn't able to talk to them about something so important or that our relationship wasn't strong enough

BanzaiBk

I told mine in person and it went surprisingly ok actually. Aftershocks afterwards of course but my mother was, I suppose, quite pleased that I felt I could talk to her about it. It's different for everyone tho', my best friend has done the letter route and found it was easier to eloquently explain the situation and it gave her parents some time to reread it and get their heads around it.

Gillgalad

It is the most difficult thing, i believe... I told my mum, and now two years passed, i moved to another country and only NOW she starts to understand that it is all serious and i don't plan and don't want to find a man and be a good girl. At first she was furious! But practice makes perfect - i kept saing her like "wow, mum, i have seen such a beautiful girl!"...
And my father still doesn't know. I will only tell him in case like "Father, this is my partner. We live together and love each other".

It is a good idea just to write a letter,because it is much easier to write and you could write everything without nerves. And then, when she has read, just talk and explain everything.
Good luck!

wonderfulname

My mum asked me to my face, and I told my dad after we went out on the lash one Christmas... come to think of it I don't think I was old enough to be having drunken chats with my dad at the time, they both took it grand though, although my mum thought I should "keep quiet until college" in case I got beat up or something, I laughed at that, she wasn't impressed. My dad cried and told me he was proud I could so easily be myself, seemed chuffed with himself over it, I think that was the drink though.

They're very quiet about it these days, sometimes I wonder have they forgotten. They're not too keen on the word "girlfriend" either, she is affectionately called "whatever she is", I think it's just a fear that there's some modern and correct word they should be saying rather than underlying issues though.

OP - More relevant for your situation, you're your own woman, what have you got to lose? You could go with the letter, it would be easier for you, although your mother might appreciate it in person, then again you're the important one here so go with what's comfortable for you. As has been said, a letter also allows the recipient digest the information, rather than having them hit with a ton of bricks then expected to say something about it. Also, I'm not so sure that the medium is as important as how you present it, it's more important that the information be given in a considerate and sensitive manner (as opposed to obnoxiously/defensively for example), though by the sounds of it you'll do just fine on that count.

DinaRaven

To be honest, since I was really young, I used to approach my mother with issues in a letter form. I have social anxiety disorder which makes things worse for me. I got known in my family as the writer (which is actually a hobby of mine now), but I talked about my sexuality face-to-face. I knew she'd understand and if she wouldn't, she wasn't good enough for me to seek her approval. She took it well. The same as when I told her I wanted t work with animals - like it' something natural. I was lucky.

But from my experience with letter writing, I'd say it's always a good idea. If you are worried about your mothers initial response, go with the letter and a proper discussion afterwards.

Hope it helps and good luck! (:

When I told my parents I was moving in with two girls they did not really know what to make of it. It was met with a kind of “ohhh…… kay” reaction, not mentioned again for some time, but then questions started to come… few and small at first and then more and more until one day it was a full blown conversation.

The girls' parents did not take it as well of course. A situation like that is likely to make any parents think that someone is taking advantage of someone and of course the guy is the first suspect - especially from the girls' fathers.

So I was not popular for awhile. Though of course the “other girl” was never entirely free of their suspicions either in both cases. So it was generally awkward for some time.

In the end though parents just want their children to be happy and over time the parents started to see that this is just what we were. Happy. So they started coming around to it and in the end were perfectly ok with me and the situation.

Over a year ago we had a daughter which cemented the entire relationship on all sides. Not only do we get on with all the parents but they get on with each other great too. Even the non-biological grand parents act like it is their own grand daughter and they clearly look forward to the day they have a grand child too – though that’s a little bit off as she is a little younger than me and my other girlfriend and does not want kids for another few years.

The main message though is that ultimately parents want their kids to be happy and the best thing you can do is make it clear that this is exactly what you are. I think most parents will come around in the end then. Though of course there are exceptions and we have heard stories of that on this forum in the past too.

number10a

I've just done it. About an hour and a half ago. I was sitting in the living room thinking how best to say it to my mam, and she just asked me was I alright (I suppose I looked a bit anxious) and I just told her. She just asked me was I sure. I said I was. Gave me a hug and started wondering how to tell my dad.

I told her she could ask me any questions she needs because there might be some "myths" she could be worried about. And the response I got was "I'm not your grandmother. You hardly think I would believe things like that!". So that was good. But then she went kind of quiet. Gone to bed now though. I'm not sure if she just needs time to think, or if she's disappointed in me or what's the story. I don't want to push her too much by hounding her to talk about it. I suppose I'll see how things work out over the next few days anyway.

floggg

number10a wrote: »

I've just done it. About an hour and a half ago. I was sitting in the living room thinking how best to say it to my mam, and she just asked me was I alright (I suppose I looked a bit anxious) and I just told her. She just asked me was I sure. I said I was. Gave me a hug and started wondering how to tell my dad.

I told her she could ask me any questions she needs because there might be some "myths" she could be worried about. And the response I got was "I'm not your grandmother. You hardly think I would believe things like that!". So that was good. But then she went kind of quiet. Gone to bed now though. I'm not sure if she just needs time to think, or if she's disappointed in me or what's the story. I don't want to push her too much by hounding her to talk about it. I suppose I'll see how things work out over the next few days anyway.

Great to hear. I'm sure she's just trying to take it in. It's Often a bit of a shock and people just don't know how to react. I found that it was easier to tell guys in a way because they lacked the subtly of women and just blurted out what was on their mind so you know exactly where you stood.

Women on the other hand tried not to make a big deal and downplayed it. I know they were owing what they thought I needed to hear and were doing it for my sake, but was a bit unsettling at first as you didn't really know what they were thinking.

From the sounds of it, your mother reacted very well and I'm sure she's just trying not to make a big deal out of it for your sake. Well done, and looks like you have a cool mother!