im invisible......

LegacyUser

Hi

Im looking for advice for admittedly a very small problem but something thats starting to bother me and I need some outside perspective on it. IM 34, single female and have been in one long term (disatrous) relationship a long time ago. Apart from that practically no experience when it comes to the opposite sex.

Whilst I would like another relationship Id settle (for now) for some fun, as in chatting, flirting, the odd kiss (sad i know) but this hasn't happened for me. In pubs and clubs Im always the last one standing while friends are being chatted up on all sides. Now Im definitely not a supermodel but I have been told that I am attractive, no better or worse than anyone else in my social circle so I can't figure it out. I do try to come across as easygoing, friendly approachable but that doesn't seem to work. Im not desperate but feel that there is something Im doing wrong but I can't say this to my friends as Im too embarrassed. So my question is do guys wait for a sign? Is it the way you dress or is it all down to looks at the end of the day? Any advice would be appreciated.

Oryx

You may be trying to come across in a certain way, but generally people are unconsciously aware of another persons body language, so if you are tense, others will sense that even if you think youre hiding it well.

Also, do you wait to be approached? Far better to start up a conversations, hold eye contact, project confidence. Think about how you behave and how you come across. Im not saying you need to start dancing on tables, maybe you just need to work on relaxing and enjoying where you are and what you are doing, and that relaxation will be apparent to those around you. I dont think its down to how you dress (yeah alright to some extent ) , more about appearing comfortable in your own skin.

Beruthiel

ms nightsky wrote: »

I do try to come across as easygoing, friendly approachable but that doesn't seem to work.

That's because you're 'trying' so I would suggest you quit that.
Be yourself, it is the only thing that ever works.

LegacyUser

ms nightsky wrote: »

In pubs and clubs Im always the last one standing while friends are being chatted up on all sides. Now Im definitely not a supermodel but I have been told that I am attractive, no better or worse than anyone else in my social circle so I can't figure it out..

How many girls are you going out with on a night out?

If it's more than one, then you're less likely to be chatted up.

As a guy in his late 30s who has been out on enough nights since my 20's, I guess I am some way qualified to give you some advice.

Head out with one friend - your wingwoman. I'd rarely approach more than two women.

Head out to pubs where the clientelle is 30s - 40s. Guys that age are more comfortable just chatting to woman and aren't scared of some randomer making conversation.

Join a club and get chatting to guys as friends. The more you get used to us, the easier it becomes for you in all situations.

Go out mid week rather than weekends. When myself and my wingman used to go out, we;d generally find it easier to get chatting to two girls at a bar on a quieter night than when it;s a very busy night. E.G., go out on the eve of new year;s eve..... you meet far more interesting people.

Also, don't go out with the intention of meeting that special someone (I never did). Go out with the intention of having fun and seeing where the night leads.

Avoid nightclubs - too difficult to hear anything (I must be getting old)

Sit strategically. Two women sitting at a bar in Dublin, on a quieter night will almost guarantee a couple of guys chatting to you (simply chatting to you) as they order their drinks. That can lead to all sorts of fun chat and a good night and possibly: "so we're going on to get something to eat... have you been to X before? Wanna come?". Guys will stay and chat but then remember that they have to deliver the pints to their friends. "Sure leave the drinks here and get your friends to come up".

If you sit down on low stools you've less chance of casual interaction. If you stand in a corner you've less chance of casual interaction. But, sitting at the bar, facing each other is a lot more welcoming for a guy. If the bar is busy, you can lean back and let them order pints between you and hand the beers out to them.... spark up a simple chat.

The more casual you are about it, the easier it gets.

If you want to be more cunning about it, head out on days when you know there's a rugby game etc on..... "how'd you enjoy the game?"

Now, keep an eye out for wedding rings. It happens when you get to this age.

Enjoy and get out there and have fun.

LegacyUser

Hey all, thanks for the advice, certainly gives me something to think about......

As regards projecting an image of being laidback and approachable what I should have said was that I am naturally that way and am not trying to put on an act when I am in social situations. Which has lead me to think that there must be some other reason why I don't have as much luck as others in this area. It never really bothered me until recently when I had conversation with two friends who were talking about all of the guys they pulled when they were younger. These same girls will get a lot of attention when we are out in bars or clubs whereas I will either be ignored for the most part or get the odd snide comment. This means that I have no confidence in approaching men......unfortuanately. Also I am what my friend described as being "quirky" in terms of looks and I think that may be a contributing factor to the problem also i think men prefer conventional beauty, i.e regular features than something considered to be alternative or unusual.

anyway enough naval gazing.......hopefully this doesn't come across a too self indulgent, wasn't meant to be. But its a wee problem for me and Im not sure how to fix it.... which is where your advice comes in handy.

thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

I prefer quirky.

Girl I'm seeing now is quirky.

Better to have someone unique than conventional in my book.. . btw, nearly all of my girlfriends have had slightly big noses... just one of those things.