Thinking of leaving my existing life...

LegacyUser

Hi all - going unreg for this..

So (try to keep it brief) I am 34 in a longterm relationship with a partner of 10 years. Economic downtown has meant I am now struggling to get by daily, my partner earns the main income in the household.

Im struggling to find enjoyment in my present job (left a career to move in with partner in rural area, their family business, so we could be together). I know I am able to do so much more with my life (postgrad honurs degree) but jobs are few on the ground in my area. At the same time I know I should appreciate the small wags I have currently, espcially in a job with zero stress... but also zero job satisfaction.

We live in a small rural town, nice but quite isolating at times and despite efforts, I don't have any friends here that I can call on to head out for a pint etc outside of my partners extended family.

I can't help but feel that my life is simply non existant. I really do try and feel happy about all the positives I have (job, partner, beautiful place to live, great in-laws) but cant ignore this growing feeling that I have parked my OWN life. I see close friends going on to get married, buy houses, have children etc. My partner has no wish to do this.

Compared to so many I know we appear to have a great life - freedom, no children,no mortgage (we rent) and can afford breaks / a holiday but now with yet another wage decrease, I dont even have that. I really just dont see any reason for staying here anymore.

I've always wanted to travel, experience the world, and in 12 months will be hopefully in a position to do so. My partner enjoys our life here, is content with work and happy with his family around and I cannot and should not expect them to feel otherwise.

I guess I need to try and evaluate where I need to go to feel like I am actually achieving something with my life and enjoying what I am doing with myself - currently I am merely existing, and I know for myself that thats no good anymore.

The idea of time out to try and get a clear picture of my life really appeals to me but I just dont know how to go about it. A break on my own isn't an option (cant afford to 'head off' on my own). Partner is supportive but we have discussed this previously and really, nothing changes (we were mean to to be travelling this year - this has now been put back again until "a few years time" again..)

I dont want to seem pitiful or self indulgent at a time when I know so many have so little (trust me i know, I have 23euro a day to live on now!) but I can;t help but feel my life is sinking away from me and I am merely exisitng. I have gotten invloved as a volunteer for a local group to try and inject some stimulation into my life But if I'm honest, its not really working.

If anyone has any advice, ideas, direction that would be HUGELY appreciated.. thanks for reading.

Daisy M

You dont mention at any stage if you still love your partner. Its coming across as if you are going through the motions and while not sad you arent happy either, so something needs to change.
Your relationship comes across as unbalances (please correct me if I am wrong) Your partner doesnt want children or to get married or to buy a house but do you? He appears to earn a good wage but yet you are surviving on a low amount, you are constantly been fobbed off on any of your dreams, your relationship is coming across as one sided. I am not judging its just what I get from your post, but if I am right then you need to act asap. Best of luck op

LegacyUser

Hi OP here,

thanks for replying Daisy - yes, I do love my partner, very much, but I guess at this stage I'm trying to evaluate if MY life with him will change or whether its something that I have to pack up and do for myself, by myself. *eek* feels awful to even type this.

Dont get me wrong, he's great, buys the shopping, extremely thoghtful, generous, pays the bills, leaves little surprises in my purse (the money fairies came ;0) ) etc. I appreciate it all, I really do. We get on great, enjoy our time on our own and with friends and family.

I guess its when I sit and think about my own life, my own achievements and dreams that I get down. I KNOW I'm not reaching my potential or experiencing life in a way that makes me feel content in my own skin. Sort as if I don;t have my own identity if that makes any sense.

Gosh, I really don't want to seem like a petulant self indulgent brat, but I feel as if I'm not living my life the way I should. Is it just a case of far fields are greener, that I want to indulge in a bit of escapism OR is this just really what grown up life is about? I know life can't be all fun and games, a rollercoaster of excitement and thrills constantly so please dont get me wrong.

It's an awful predicament to be in. Do i look for a job in an area I would love and enjoy, be that aborad or here, pack up my life and go and see if thats what's missing? Am I being a dreamer - do I have unrealistic view of what real grown up adult life is like?

It would break my partners heart - firmly and in two, I know that and that kills me.
This is by no means the hardest challenge life has thrown me that I have had to deal with, believe me, I plenty of 'life experience' so I'm really trying not to be indulgent about it all.

Right now, the idea of packing a rucksack and heading off as a volunteer in Cambodia, Indonesia (or the like) for a few months is the one thought that makes me feel excited and lights a spark that is otherwise missing...

I am a friend

emptysmile wrote: »

I KNOW I'm not reaching my potential or experiencing life in a way that makes me feel content in my own skin.

Op even though he is a nice guy, he seems to have it all his way in this relationship. Are you satisfied that he wont commit beyond this and is that what you want for your life?

I was in the same boat as you - had a fiance, house etc and there was nothing wrong but I had never done the travelling thing and had been in the same job for years.

I just couldnt see myself living in the same rut, which was the way he wanted things, for the rest of my days... We broke up and I went travelling for 2 years and to be honest it was the best decision I ever made. It did break his heart but I firmly believe, if I had stayed and married him, the relationship would have rotted over time anyway due to my boredom with the life we were leading.

You dont say what age you are but life is short and i would rather live than exist.

LegacyUser

Thanks for posting 'I am a friend'..

Good to hear I'm not the only person who reaches such a junction in their life (and that I'm not losing my marbles!!) Wow, took huge courage I would imagine to call off an engagement, house etc and head away - sounds like it was well worth it though, good for you. If you dont mind me asking - did you find it expensive, did you have savings ready to go?

I'm 34 (just gone) so I guess I'm aware of the clock in all senses of the word. I suppose if we had plans for a mortgage, child etc then it would be something to focus on but we don't and to be honest, they would be a substitiute reason for staying put (and the worse reason to do either).

I'm going to try and put some direction on my predicament. Maybe career guidance, see options available to me and where I may have to go / do, to make that work. Perhaps its just time to finally pack the bag and go travel. OH is interested in doing this too (at my recurring encouragement over the years) but is in a well paying job and secure. I wouldnt expect him to pack it all in for 'my' sake.

A few months in Asia on my own may clarify matters ;0) Ah I shouldn't joke though, it really has gotten me down, confused and unsure of who I am and where I'm going. I do know however that nothing will change unless I make it happen...

Anybody else have any ecperience / thoughts?...

I am a friend

Yeah I was just a few years younger than you but did have savings to travel with. In saying that you could do a TEFL course and go working abroad so you wouldnt need that much savings..

What do you want in your future? Do you want kids in general? Can your OH take leave of absence? Would you want him to come too?

LegacyUser

If your OH doesn't want to leave and keeps putting travel on the backburner..what's stopping you from going off and travelling on your own for a few months. That would help you decide if this relationship is for you or not.
The job situation sounds terrible, if you genuinely disklike your job it affects you as a person and your mood. If you have good qualifications and are not using them then it will just make you miserable. Have you looked in to seeing if there are jobs out there in your area of expertise?

LegacyUser

Thanks guys,
Yes, I do want children, house etc at some stage in my life - I'm just realising now at 34 after years of enjoying myself that (a) these things dont 'just happen' (b) I still havent seen the parts of the world I wanted to and (c) Im not in a career position to achieve them as of yet.

Bit of an epiphony to be honest.. yikes! Its as if all of a sudden I've woken up and realised I am coasting (albeit comfortably) through life without any forward thought or planning for my future. OH could pack up and travel too but may not have a job to come back to immediately, no option for a leave of abscence unfortunately.

I dont currently have enough savings to go travel on my own, even for a month and with my recent paycut I dont have an option to save. I know my partner would, if I really wanted, fund a trip for me but I couldnt honestly take money to do so if I'm not clear on my future and whether he is part of that. That would be sneaky, underhand and quite frankly a very selfish thing to do. He deserves better than that for sure.

I guess I have to try and seperate the issues out - is it (a) my career (or lack of) thats getting me down or (b) a desire to travel and explore career opportunities and (c) does my partner feature in the the future if I head off.

Uuurgghhh, I dont know. Its hard to make a complete 100% certain decision but I guess you don't ever fully know the right answer. Perhaps first step will be trying to locate a job with better salary and working on saving if at all possible.

'Liveyourlife' - no jobs for me at the moment. 7 years out of my qualified field (Education) and fierce competition for each post that comes up. Painfully ironic that the changes you make for love can be the ones make you question your relationship in the end..

I am a friend

emptysmile wrote: »

I see close friends going on to get married, buy houses, have children etc. My partner has no wish to do this.

OP if you want this and he doesnt then this is a no brainer.

LegacyUser

OP here,
sorry, should ahve cal;rified - partner does want a house, posisbly kids but doesnt see any urgent need and in most regards he is right. We rent a beautiful home at the minute and employment is so unstable it would be daft to take on a mortgage when we are comfortable where we are. He does want kids too, but doesnt feel the urgency so I'm not being denied anything.

He's happy plodding along, nice career, good lifestyle and enjoying life - I'm itching to get out and see the world, broaden my horizons and I guess provide for myself in all senses of the word.

Is it daft to want to gamble all this away?

Daisy M

What is stopping your partner from combining all his hols and you both going travelling for a while or could he take unpaid leave. He sounds like a lovely man but for whatever reason your future hopes are not getting a lookin and that needs to change, this is something I would be dealing with now and not in another 10/15 years when some of your desires may be impossible.

analucija

Two months of holidays won't solve any problem except give you a break from your everyday life. You say you are renting. Is there no way that you could try applying for jobs that interest you or at least interest you more than current one and you could move to live somewhere equal distance to your and partners place of work. It's not like you are tied up to a house you live in now. Also, do you want children and getting married (owning a house can be a bit of a minus atm.) and if yes you should talk about that to your partner. You are together long enough and you are approaching an age when you will have to decide.

I think it's great to travel and you probably need a break but do not think for a second that this will solve your problems. I think you love your boyfriend but I suspect also that you are not really telling him what you want and intentionally or unintentionally you are the submissive one in the relationship and I think you are starting to resent him for that. Does he know your feelings (except the wish to travel) or is this board first place where you voiced them. I don't mean in insulting way but if you talked about all this to him and he completely ignores you I would almost advise you to run. IF you didn't mention to him anything then I think you should become more proactive. I think the trip should be the last thing on your list of priorities because you have more fundamental issues to sort out.