Am I mad? How should I approach this?

LegacyUser

My girlfriend and I have been together for 18 months. She's 25 and from America and I'm 29 from Ireland. Yesterday, she got a facebook message off a guy who she said initially that she didn't know but was from his home town. He reminded her that they worked in America together about 8 years ago and told her that he was coming to Ireland to travel. He suggested meeting up for a drink and she was fine with that.

They barely knew each other 8 years ago and certainly don't know each other now. I can see his wall on Facebook and his most recent comment says that's he's basically coming to Ireland to get laid. I'm uncomfortable with her meeting him as I think it's not really any different to meeting up with a total randomer off the internet.

Do you think I'm right?

How should I broach it with her?

Payton

Do you trust her?
Say it to her what you have seen on his fb wall, if she decides to go out for a drink with someone she very vaguely knows there could cause for concern.

what do do do

what do do do wrote: »

as I think it's not really any different to meeting up with a total randomer off the internet.

I do that sometimes at boards beers and whatnot, or arranging to meet new people for coffees

But if he's posting on his wall that's why he's coming here, maybe she should make it clear to him she has a bf and it's just coffee
But that's up to her... I don't think you should be worrying about it

LegacyUser

The last thing I want her to do is to feel I don't trust her. I just don't think it's appropriate conduct to be meeting up with random guys. I was going to say to her "oh, cool. Tell him to meet us and we'll show him around the city" or something like that. What do you think?

Cathmandooo

Why don't you go with her? Be supportive and suggest showing the guy around a bit together?

Nothing wrong with her meeting up with him though, you should trust that she won't do anything with him.

what do do do

what do do do wrote: »

The last thing I want her to do is to feel I don't trust her. I just don't think it's appropriate conduct to be meeting up with random guys. I was going to say to her "oh, cool. Tell him to meet us and we'll show him around the city" or something like that. What do you think?

good plan
suggest ye can do stuff together

LegacyUser

bluewolf wrote: »

good plan
suggest ye can do stuff together

Plan to meet him too would be best

However If she plans to meet him at 8 and insistant on being alone,
you could organise dinner for 3 persons at 9.
That would take the wind out of his sails

I am a friend

She is probably just being friendly and a bit naive... So what if he wants to shag all round him - doesnt mean he will want to shag her or that she would ever be interested in him. Are you normally possessive?

fungun

If you trust her, why are you worried?

Even if he has 'designs', most girls dealt with guys coming on to them at some stage anyway, so why is this any different?

LegacyUser

I'm not posessive but I do get jealous but I am working on it fairly hard lately. I think it comes down to having low self esteem sometimes. I want to support her in any way I can but I wonder where you draw the line between "it doesn't matter what he thinks, he's not getting with me" and just plain putting yourself out there in an inappropriate way.

I am a friend

Who putting themselves out there?

LegacyUser

Well, I feel she is. I feel by letting him incur the costs of travelling down from Dublin (he didn't plan on visiting Cork) to "meet her for a drink", is very misleading on her part to him too. They don't know each other AT ALL so I find it strange that she's so forthcoming to meet him. I get that they have geography in common but that's it.

I am a friend

what do do do wrote: »

travelling down from Dublin (he didn't plan on visiting Cork) to "meet her for a drink"

You could have mentioned that important bit in your first post

Where is he supposed to be staying when in Cork?

From other Americans I know, if you merely hint at them that they are welcome to come visit, they land on your door with the bags packed (sorry all for generalisation but thats my experience to date) and maybe this is what happened here..

Distorted

Is this really any big deal? The guys coming from America on holiday, on his own, he won't know anyone here and has made a contact with someone he can meet up with. He probably hopes he will be introduced to more people and have a great night out drinking, like Ireland is famous for. ie make friends on his travels. I think its a bit of a jump from him mentioning on is FB that he hopes to get laid (or words to that effect) which is pretty standard for a single guy going travelling, to him meeting your girlfriend and her being attracted to him in the short time he is there. In fact, I don't see that theres any link to that at all. Women can and do make friends outwith their relationships and don't require to be chaperoned at all times in public any more!

The guy's going to be lonely and is probably wanting to make contacts and friends while he is over here - can you not bring yourself to be friendly towards him? Would you not react the same if you travelled over to the States on your own?

MissFlitworth

what do do do wrote: »

Well, I feel she is. I feel by letting him incur the costs of travelling down from Dublin (he didn't plan on visiting Cork) to "meet her for a drink", is very misleading on her part to him too. They don't know each other AT ALL so I find it strange that she's so forthcoming to meet him. I get that they have geography in common but that's it.

Americans have (and I'm generalising too here) a different concept of distance than Irish people do, especially if they are either from somewhere rural or went to college/worked somewhere far from home. I have friends in the States who would think nothing of driving for 8+ hours home for a weekend. Dublin to Cork probably doesn't actually seem like that much of a distance to them.

Also, when you live far away from home sometimes meeting up with someone who has a common accent and who you can chat with about stuff you both saw on telly when you were 7 helps with homesickness, even if you barely know them.

He might have plans to get laid the length & breadth of the country but it doesn't mean he plans to try get it on with your girlfriend. And if he does you should trust your girlfriend enough that she'd tell him to bog off if he tried. If you're not comfortable with them meeting then go along with them for a bit. Definitely don't make your girlfriend feel weird about this though, nothing strange at all about meeting randomers off the internet (unless it's the dating site section of it she's meeting them from).