Made a Huge Mistake....what would you do?

LegacyUser

Ok, this is my first time posting. Was at a party two weeks ago in my friend's.He's an old and good friend but a bit wild and irresponsibile. It's a real "party house" and there was drink and drugs involved. I decided to partake of both although I no longer take drugs very frequently and havent for a good few years. Everyone stayed up late into the night, and the party was even going on the next day.by the second evening people were starting to crash, but as I had gotten some sleep the night before and was just generally
in better order than the other "veterans" I decided to keep going because I had a gig to go to that night.

There was a girl in the house that lived there, I hadnt noticed but I had been kind of gravitating towards her,and her and I were just chatting together on the second evening when the others had crashed. I asked if she wanted to go to town with me to see the gig and she did, as the night wore on, we both got more and more drunk and started acting more and more like a couple. This culminated in us kissing on the way home
to the "party" house (where she lives) after the gig. I told her I liked her too.

When we got home to the house we went to bed but both fell asleep in a drunken stupor (after I wentinto my friends room and drunkenly joked with him a bit), and in the morning
when I woke up fully clothed she had gone out of the house for a while.

The problem with all this is that I have a girlfriend who I love very much and have been with forover a year.

The girl I kissed knew I had a girlfriend, I told her and asked her what I should do
and she said that she couldnt tell someone else what to do with her life.
No one knows except me, her, my friend and his two mates who live in the house.
When I left I asked if they would keep it quiet and they said yes. Now I'm filled with
terrible remorse about what I did and can't stop thinking about it. About how much it would
break my girlfriends heart if she knew and how much it would mess up our lives. I figure
my best option is to pretend nothing happened and try get on with my life, and try to
understand why it happened and how to stop it from happening again. This is the first time
I have EVER done something like this. I am sure it was just a kiss as we went to bed clothed and I woke up clothed.

I am terrified that somehow it will get back, where I live is a big enough town but not so huge that there is not a chance of running into this girl again (especially if she has connections to certain groups of my friends) or she might tell a friend who knows one of my friends. It also makes it difficult to go to myfriends house ever again (I am guessing I will never be doing that).

I cant stop feeling terrible for what I
have done. What should I do?

fits

So, why did you do it? And dont go blaming the drink and drugs now. They only reduce inhibitions.

Deep down, theres something wrong with your relationship. Only when you understand why you did it, will you know how to proceed.

Ainekav

Tell her and deal with the consequences

It's only right that she knows...

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Agree with Aine.

These thigns have a way of making their way back to the person you don't to find out, either by accident, overheard conversation, ro someone else knows and is saying nothign for now.

The question is, however: how remorseful are you? This was a period of two days, effectively and you had plenty of time to back away. Ar eyou remorseful because you effectively cheated or because there's a chance you might get caught?

I am a friend

Yeah why did you do it?

Its not like you met her and she jumped you and you snogged her for a second before realising what you were doing... You were 'acting like a couple' with her for the evening... There is no excuse for it and you need to tell your gf... I think you acting like a couple with someone else will hurt her as much as the kiss but she deserves to know and dont bother using booze and drugs as an excuse....

LegacyUser

I'm not making excuses because I was on drink and drugs. I know that doesn't make it acceptable. I don't know why I did it. I was attracted to the girl, your attraction to other people doesn't disappear when you become exclusive to someone, but you shouldn't act on it.
Maybe it was the fear of things moving quickly; before my current relationship I was in a 4 year one that ended with me being betrayed quite badly, it has made me more wary of commitment and the way I think about relationships. My girlfriend is also quite busy lately and I've been lonely. I can't put it down to any one thing. I can't get it off my mind, though I feel terrible about it. And not because I am afraid she will find out, but because I don't think it was right.

From what I have read about people telling their partners about cheating, it destroys the trust in most relationships and something like 80% of people who were told about their partners infidelities wish they had never been told. I won't be telling as I don't think our relationship will recover or that any recover after these kind of revelations as unfair as this sounds. I don't want to let one mistake ruin everything. If she had done the same to me, I would expect her to do the same thing.

Payton

RemorsefulGuy wrote: »

The girl I kissed knew I had a girlfriend, I told her and asked her what I should do
and she said that she couldnt tell someone else what to do with her life.
No one knows except me, her, my friend and his two mates who live in the house.
When I left I asked if they would keep it quiet and they said yes. Now I'm filled with
terrible remorse about what I did and can't stop thinking about it. About how much it would
break my girlfriends heart if she knew and how much it would mess up our lives. I figure
my best option is to pretend nothing happened and try get on with my life, and try to
understand why it happened and how to stop it from happening again. This is the first time
I have EVER done something like this. I am sure it was just a kiss as we went to bed clothed and I woke up clothed.

That whole paragraph is a joke, Full of self pity. You were at a party for 2 days with drink and drugs and a gig in between, yet I dont see where in your post you contacted your girlfriend or she contacted you? The points I have in bold are YOUR issues, YOU chose to do them, man up and face the facts and learn from them. And dont blame drink or drugs.......blame yourself.

LegacyUser

friend, you are right. When I think about it now though, the description maybe would be "flirting" rather than acting like a couple. I know this does not really lessen what happened though.
I honestly can't say why I did it, I don't full know. Maybe last minute jitters as our relationship was getting serious, maybe loneliness(my girlfriend has been busy lately), maybe alcohol emboldened me and I was attracted to this girl. Maybe I am secretly trying to sabotage things because I dont feel I deserve to be happy.

Although I feel terrible about what I did (not because I fear getting caught), I don't think I will tell my girlfriend, I don't think that relationships generally recover from these types of revelations. And when I put it in perspective I would rather be in ignorance if my girlfriend made a mistake like that than have the trust in our relationship ruined over one stupid error on her part.

LegacyUser

Sorry, my previous posts seem to not be turning up. I am not blaming other people or drink and drugs. I know it is something that I did and I have to deal with and I am not trying to hide behind anything or looking for sympathy or pity. I am asking for advice, not to be rebuked.

Sooopie

Don't say a word

You're giving yourself a hard enough time over it as it is (from the sounds of it) and you don't sound like a pRick, so sit tight and behave in future would be my advice

Payton

Sooopie wrote: »

Don't say a word

You're giving yourself a hard enough time over it as it is (from the sounds of it) and you don't sound like a pRick, so sit tight and behave in future would be my advice

When he gets his fill of drink and more drugs, or his friends do......it WILL slip. Lose lips sink ships. Fact!.

Logical Fallacy

Are you really worried about breaking your girlfriends heart or are you just worried about getting caught and having to feel like a bastard?

I imagine the worry for the girlfriend would have kicked in before the kiss, no?

Man up OP, tell your girlfriend, it should be her choice as to how things go, not yours. Right now you just have her living a lie.

It must be love.

Big Bag of Chips

If the gig was in your local town then there's a fair chance that somebody who knows you, and her saw you.

You could say nothing and hope for the best...

You could own up and deal with the consequences...

Nobody here can really make that choice for you!

LegacyUser

Scoopie, I think I will follow your advice, thank you.

On the Verge and Logical Fallacy, I understand what you are saying.

I just do not think there will be a chance for our relationship if I reveal this. I know
I am not providing a choice here for her, but I think we will both be happier this way. I made
a mistake which I will not make again, **again I am not blaming drugs or drink, they are just
a factor not a catalyst, I made the choice not the substances, however, anyone who has taken drink or drugs can know that your decision making can be seriously impaired and foolish mistakes made (case in point-drink driving)**.
I will be cutting out drugs (of which I have already stated I am NOT a regular user) and seriously curbing my alcohol retake.

Again, as I said, even before this happened, if she had had a drunken kiss with some guy and was remorseful of it, I would prefer not to know rather than it ruining what we have.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

RemorsefulGuy wrote: »

I'm not making excuses because I was on drink and drugs. I know that doesn't make it acceptable. I don't know why I did it. I was attracted to the girl, your attraction to other people doesn't disappear when you become exclusive to someone, but you shouldn't act on it.
Maybe it was the fear of things moving quickly; before my current relationship I was in a 4 year one that ended with me being betrayed quite badly, it has made me more wary of commitment and the way I think about relationships. My girlfriend is also quite busy lately and I've been lonely. I can't put it down to any one thing. I can't get it off my mind, though I feel terrible about it. And not because I am afraid she will find out, but because I don't think it was right.

From what I have read about people telling their partners about cheating, it destroys the trust in most relationships and something like 80% of people who were told about their partners infidelities wish they had never been told. I won't be telling as I don't think our relationship will recover or that any recover after these kind of revelations as unfair as this sounds. I don't want to let one mistake ruin everything. If she had done the same to me, I would expect her to do the same thing.

Its not why did you do it, its why did you keep doing it. THe drink and drugs wore off.

Not telling her is what will destory the trust.

LegacyUser

Ikky, It won't break the trust because no-one will know. I think it is too late to tell now anyway..even if I wanted to, I should have told straight away if I was going to. All I can do is resolve never to do it again and be as dedicated a boyfriend as I can be.

OkayWhatever

Tell your girlfriend, and tell her everything.

Even asking what you should do comes across to me as being so selfish.


I cheated on my boyfriend and he found out without me telling him. The worst way for him to find out so make sure it doesn't happen to your girlfriend.

Tell the truth, the whole truth. I didn't at the start and I wish I did. One of my biggest regrets in life is cheating and lying about it to my boyfriend. He did not deserve it one bit. Your girlfriend didn't deserve it and she doesn't deserve to be lied to.


I got a second chance and I work my ass off to make our relationship work and build trust up again. I would never ever cheat on him again, ever.

You need to figure out why you did it? It wasn't the drink and drugs, don't be a coward and blame them. Accept some responsibility for your actions and talk to your girlfriend.

OP please don't be an ass and not tell her. You live in a place where people know each other, people talk and there's a chance that people might have seen you. If she finds out from someone else that it happened, then the relationship will almost certainly be over.

You did the deed willingly. Now man up and face the consequences of these actions. If it ends then just move on. You're already feeling remorseful now. Imagine how much worse it would be when you spend time with your girlfriend knowing what happened.

I am a friend

RemorsefulGuy wrote: »

Ikky, It won't break the trust because no-one will know. I think it is too late to tell now anyway..even if I wanted to, I should have told straight away if I was going to. All I can do is resolve never to do it again and be as dedicated a boyfriend as I can be.

Why did you bother posting? all the posters are telling you to be honest with her but you are choosing to ignore all the advice... You had your mind made up all the time to cop out, so why waste our time by asking for advice.

A word to the wise, she will find out... You were dim enough to poo on your own doorstep and it will come back to haunt you.

Logical Fallacy

RemorsefulGuy wrote: »

Ikky, It won't break the trust because no-one will know. I think it is too late to tell now anyway..even if I wanted to, I should have told straight away if I was going to. All I can do is resolve never to do it again and be as dedicated a boyfriend as I can be.

Look, your thinking is flawed. People do know...it's not a secret, it's something that is known that will slowly but surely become more and more available. People talk.

You seem to be having real issues with honesty, both with yourself and with your girlfriend.

Resolving to never do it again and not telling her about it is not "all you can do", and it's particularly self delusional to try and convince yourself or anyone else that it is.

It's what you want to do and it's that simple. You created an excuse for not telling her straight away, then you turned that delay into an excuse for not telling her at all. It's pretty typical behaviour in the circumstances.

Mighty_Mouse

He's an old and good friend but a bit wild and irresponsibile. It's a real "party house" and there was drink and drugs involved.

was just generally in better order than the other "veterans"

Reading between the lines, you're not completely comfortable & confident in how you see yourself compared to these mates.
This put you on edge & maybe you felt obliged to "go hard" in order to fit in.
Was bedding a girl on day 2 part of this ego-trip?

I hadnt noticed but I had been kind of gravitating towards her,

Nonsense, you knew exactly what you were doing. Here's proof:

I asked if she wanted to go to town with me

but both fell asleep in a drunken stupor (after I wentinto my friends room and drunkenly joked with him a bit)

Hardly to let him know the quite guy could still pull 'em?

Am I off-the-mark here?
Advice: get comfortable in your own skin. Know your limits.
Don't behave abnormally ever for the sake of the environment around you.
Despite these guys livin in a "party" house there probably just normal heads. They're friends with your for who you are, rather than who you think you should be.

No one knows except me, her, my friend and his two mates who live in the house.

"party house" guys have probably seen all-sorts at some stage & probably can be trusted.
Will she tell?
Plus, you went to a gig in town acting like a couple, flirting stupid drunk.
There's a fair chance someone who know's someone who know's someone.........was stone cold sober & seen you.

I am sure it was just a kiss as we went to bed clothed and I woke up clothed.

Is this more self-deception?

It also makes it difficult to go to myfriends house ever again (I am guessing I will never be doing that).

Lose yer mates over it?

The reality
a; is if you tell her, its over.
b. If she finds our from someone else, its over.
c. If she doesn't find out, you live with deception.

Some men can handle the guilt of c, some can't.

Finally, if you choose C, you need to fix problems in your relationship as they arise.

binxeo

RemorsefulGuy wrote: »

Sorry, my previous posts seem to not be turning up. I am not blaming other people or drink and drugs. I know it is something that I did and I have to deal with and I am not trying to hide behind anything or looking for sympathy or pity. I am asking for advice, not to be rebuked.

You F**ked up, take responsibilty and tell your GF, that is the least she deserves. Once she knows it is up to her whether you stay or go. Personally I would send you packing, but that is your GF decision. What you did was inexcusable and you should feel like S**t.

fits

I'm just not really sure if you're dealing with the reasons behind why you did this.

I mean it went on for an awfully long time. Were you in contact with your girlfriend over those two days?

I just know myself, if Im in a relationship with someone, I dont look sideways at other people. There are boundaries in place. Its when I start looking I know the relationship is over.

Agent J

OP. I think you are just listening to the advice you want to hear.

It's going to come out or happen again. The best way out of a hole is to firstly stop digging.

If it doesnt survive you telling the truth then the relationship probably shouldnt survive.

OKeeffer

Just go single.

If you're going to gigs and 2-day parties, I don't know why you would want to tie yourself down.

You'll have plenty of time to be tied down, believe me.

Go single, play the field, hurt no one and enjoy yourself.