A bit confused

LegacyUser

Going unreg for this one

Right I'm with my boyfriend 2 years, we have had plenty of chats about the future and we both want to get married and have kids, all good. Our relationship isn't perfect but pretty close to it and I'm the happiest I have ever been and he says he's the same. We're living together just over a year, settled in a lovely house, grand job.

We got 2 cats recently which I know sounds silly but seems a pretty big commitment too. Maybe others may feel differently I dunno.

Anyway I'm about to turn 25 which I know is still young etc but I've been thinking a lot.
We sat down the other week and had a serious talk about getting married, how we would want to do it, who we would invite etc.

The problem I have is - he hasn't proposed.

I know there are several stages where a person would consider themselves engaged and in my head we kinda already are, that's the problem though "kinda". We're not. I have no ring and it hasn't been made public.

I know he feels the same as me as in he wants that and all but I'm the kind of person who needs a plan. I need to know if this is actually going to happen. I don't want to not be engaged at 30 (which isn't that far off anymore!) and still waiting for these plans to kick into place.
Also we've been talking about buying our own house too.

So, we've been talking about buying a house, getting married and having a baby.
All wonderful plans but they all cost money.
I've been saving myself and have a few bob put by for these, not much but I'm trying to add to it every week.

Yesterday he announces he priced flights for us to go to New York next September. It's a great deal and we would save money because I have relatives over there.
It's a lovely idea and a holiday I would love to go on. But, it's a holiday that would push back our plans on a house, wedding and baby back for another few years and I'm not sure I want that all to happen.

Maybe I'm just freaking out because it's coming up to my birthday, I do this every November - re-evaluate everything and see what I've done, where I am and where I am heading.

I want all our plans to be complete by the time I'm 30 at the very latest. Like I said I don't want to be sitting around in 5 years time still waiting. I don't want to stop him living his live and saying "Oh no we can't do this and this because it wrecks our plans".

The reality is neither of us have college qualifications and we don't have the best jobs in the world but we're happy enough and we get by with a few quid at the end of the week and yes we struggle a bit but who doesn't. We work around things and deal with them.
Maybe I'm being selfish about this holiday, I don't know.


I've tried talking to him about how I feel but it just comes out all mumbo jumbo. We have great communication and always talk about big issues but this time it's different for some reason. I don't want to be so "I want this and this now"? But it's how I feel and he's the more laid back of us so I feel like I'm being a cow sometimes by saying what I want so bluntly? Maybe I'm thinking too much about this, I know we both want the same for the future, it's just the time scale that freaks me out and the fact that I don't know it!

Any advice would be appreciated as I really don't know how to deal with this

I am a friend

30 is 5 years or more away so you have plenty of time.

You need to ask him his timescales for getting married etc and ask him how ye can start saving to fund it.

silly

He might want to propose in NY

Miss Fluff

futureblues wrote: »

I need to know if this is actually going to happen.

Why don't you ask him when it is going to happen. And if you're not a particularly spontaneous type and need a "plan" why don't you ask him for a timescale. Tbh I'd say he'll be proposing in NYC

LegacyUser

That may be so about proposing in NYC but he knows (I've told him) that I'd be more than happy for him to ask me while I sit in my pjs watching tv with him. I don't care how or where it happens

Faith

First of all, I think you're confusing talk with action. My boyfriend and I have our entire lives planned out together - we've discussed exactly the type of wedding we'd have, the type of house we'd like to have, we've discussed children etc etc etc. But I don't consider us engaged in the slightest. We've been together for 3.5 years (with a break in the middle for a while), but I don't feel any pressure to move things forward. We're not even living together, because he's finishing his studies in a different county.

I'm the same age as you, almost 25, and he's pushing 30. When we talk about the future, I take a sense of security from that, but nothing else. I'm happy that we're both simply on the same page with regards to our future. From the sounds of it, your boyfriend is totally committed to you. You're very young to be getting married as it is, and not in a strong financial position. I'd imagine he's (sensibly) waiting for a year or so to propose, so you'll have a good 2 years from now to save money and whatnot. I think he has actually given you what you want, but you just can't see it. I think you just need to stop rushing things. You've very young, you have so much time for marriage and babies and all that ahead of you.

I second the idea that he'll propose to you in New York. Go on the holiday, relax, enjoy it, and trust that all good things come to she who waits . There's no rush, and you don't need to race to the finish line!

jessiejam

Chill out.
Your 25 not 45
Live a little
There is plenty of time to settle down. When you do you'll remember all the good times ye had without the big mortgage and kids, and I doubt you'll regret waiting a while!

I am a friend

futureblues wrote: »

That may be so about proposing in NYC but he knows (I've told him) that I'd be more than happy for him to ask me while I sit in my pjs watching tv with him. I don't care how or where it happens

Well maybe he wants to live a little before he settles down but is happy that you are both on the same page. I think you need to drop YOUR timeline and go with the flow a bit. You dont want to be old before your time and have nothing to look forward to,

Neyite

Having your timeline is all very well, but there are two people to consider in this relationship, and he has as much right to have his own timeline, which may not be anything like yours. You need to compromise and unbend a bit. You are a couple now.

You may be happy with a proposal in your PJ's watching the telly but its not all about you. Maybe he wants to propose to you in a special way that he has always wanted to do (that does not include PJ's.)

I would suggest throwing away *your* plan, and come up with a brand new one with him called *our* plan.

LegacyUser

I've asked him can we sit down tonight (after the footy of course!) and talk.
Assured him it was nothing bad and he said grand.
Trying to work it out in my head what I have to say, I've even jotted down little notes!

I know there has to be a compromise. And I know it will mainly be on my part.
Guess I just have to get ready for that