Take the money?

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I had a fight with my mother last night, and I feel very bad now because I really upset her. Essentially, she is trying to give me some money and I refuse to take it.

Financially I'm not exactly swimming in it, but I count myself as reasonably lucky. At 25, I have a full-time (albeit badly paid) job; can afford rent on my own flat, a car, and my bills get paid on time. Some weeks, however, it can be a little harder to feed myself til pay day than others, and I don't remember the last time I bought new clothes. My friends occasionally make a crack about only ever seeing my in about 5 different outfits, and I have no shoes that aren't falling to bits. However, they still live at home, and if the price to pay for living out of home is no new clothes, then fair enough. I'm doing a part time course, which i can only afford because my boss has agreed to buy 8 days holidays off me (yes, it's illegal, I know).

Anyway, this money was left to my mother by her dad when he died last year. She says she wants to split it between me and my siblings, but I'd rather she used it for herself. I'm mangaging- it's a tightrope, but I am, whereas she really deserves the money.

I have no idea how much was in the envelope, but I suspect it was over a grand. She started calling me selfish, and said she only wants to see my finances being easier to manage, and she wants me to be able to enjoy my mid 20s without worrying too much about money. She got upset and cried a little, then i did too. I still refused it though, but I'd love to get some opinions on what I should have done.

Surely it's a good thing to refuse to take money and to want to stand on your own two feet? I am known to be stubborn, so I'm not sure if my stubbornness is blinding me here. Am I missing something? Obviously the money would help me alot, it would allow me to potentially pay off my car loan/next years insurance or the rest of my course, or I could buy some of the stuff I need to set myself up in the profession I am currently training in. It would make things so much easier, but I wish she hadn't offered it to me because now I feel like a bitch for not taking it.

What do you all, specifically the parents, think I should have done?

Danniboo

Hey OP,

I'm roughly in the same boat as you and know how tough it can be standing on your own, fair play to you. I appreciate your sentiments in wanting your mam to keep the money for herself as she deserves it, but is it possible she felt a little hurt/patronised when you wouldn't take this gift from her. If she received a few bob and wants to share it with her children I don't think it's a huge deal in taking it, no point in being stubborn just for the sake of being stubborn. I'm guessing when she called you selfish it's because she knows your struggling and worries about it, yet you won't take this money which would ease your burdens and her own worries, just because you want to prove a point. You say you rent your own place could you not move in to a houseshare which would save you a few bob every month?

Daisy M

I am a mum to much younger children and I can see where ye are both coming from. Firstly you impress me so much in that you can see your mums needs and want her to treat herself and make life a little easier. Your mum wants to help you and I understand that, she has probably never been in the position where she could and this is huge to her. You will never stop been your mothers child and she will always want to care for you. Maybe you could reach a compromise where you accept part of the money and she puts the rest away for a rainy day.
Your friends sound like right tools making comments about how many outfits you have, they could do with growing up a bit.

Joey the lips

Its a dilema i faced with my parents. I never took the money. Especially off my father but we did not see eye to eye.

Then when you have your own kids you will understand that you will do all you can to help your kids.

You can only decide if you need the money. Your mam wont condem you for not taking in. In the back of her mind she will be questioning why but she will always love you.

Only you can really decide if your taking advantage of your moms good nature.

thefeatheredcat

Gggrribbet wrote: »

I have no idea how much was in the envelope, but I suspect it was over a grand. She started calling me selfish, and said she only wants to see my finances being easier to manage, and she wants me to be able to enjoy my mid 20s without worrying too much about money. She got upset and cried a little, then i did too. I still refused it though, but I'd love to get some opinions on what I should have done.

Yes it is a good thing to be independent. In this case though your mum probably does worry quite a bit about you and doesn't want for you to struggle along....and in her case it's probably hard on her that she is in a position to help, but you are refusing it.

Did you explain to her that you would rather she kept it for herself?

She knows you could do with the help. I think you should have a proper chat with her and find a compromise and explain how you feel that while yes, you could use the money and it would help do x, y and z, that you want for her to keep it for herself, and explain it's not about your sense of pride. She probably sees that you're being too proud to accept her help.

I'll note though that if pride is keeping you from accepting it, you might want to be open with yourself and her about that.

LegacyUser

Danniboo wrote:

You say you rent your own place could you not move in to a houseshare which would save you a few bob every month?

I'm not moving into a houseshare to save money, as I am extremely lucky that the flat I am renting is only marginally more than a double bedroom in a good house in my area. The flat is incredably cheap for what it is. It never gets listed on Daft etc as it always has people move in immediately after the previous tenants, usually a friend of the previous occupants. I think my mother wasn't expecting me to move out as suddenly as I did earlier this year, but it was too good an opportunity to miss when i was offered it by my friend who had to return to Poland at short notice, so I think she didn't have time to get used to me leaving and she probably worries about me more as her only daughter.

Okay so the general concensus from here and from anyone I've asked IRL is to take the money, but split it with her so that she has to spend some of it on herself, even if it's a weekend away for a mother/daughter bonding session.

I still feel massively uncomfortable doing this, but I'm trying to see it from the parents perspective aswell. I guess I just feel guilty because my brothers have no qualms taking from her to fund travel/car maintenance etc, so i figured I'd even the balance and not take anything, y'know? And I haven't really since I was old enough to get a job. It's very difficult to give that up!!!

Colonel Panic

Splitting it with her sounds fair. It sounds like she's seeing you struggling a bit and wants to help you out. It's pretty cool that you're so independent though!

In 10 years, it could well be you helping her out. Would you want to see pride get in the way of your mum being able to pay for the things she needs?

Sooopie

you have repeated a number of times how difficult you find it at times, so why be a hero, take the money in the spirit it was given

Firetrap

For what it's worth, I think you are being too proud for your own good. In fact, you might even be wearing it as something of a badge of honour. I'm sure your mum knows that you're hell-bent on paddling your own canoe and are defiantly independent.

She is probably looking at you wearing those shoes that are falling to bits, not buying clothes, struggling financially at times and wishing she could make things easier for you. She is your mum after all and wants the best for you. Why not take the money in the spirit in which it was given. If you are that bothered by it, don't spend all the money but keep it aside just in case your mum needs it down the line. Or resolve to put money aside so that when your finances do improve, you can treat your mum to something nice. I also think that you are making way too much of a hoo-hah over a grand or so. Yes, it's not a small amount of money but it's not exactly going to change the world, is it?

livinsane

Maybe you could suggest that the two of ye do something nice with the money. A day out shopping perhaps. You could get some needed clothes/shoes and she could get herself something she needs. Don't fall out over money, it is a good thing that this money is there for ye.

LegacyUser

Regarding the money your mother offer, i'd say take it for now, it's easier on you and it'll keep her happy.. if you feel that strongly about it, don't use it.. lodge it in a bank account.. should your mother need it sometime in the future, you can whip it out and give it back..


the other thing.. I'm not sure of the full background but when i read your post the first thing that come to my mind is that said your friends judges you yet they live at home..

you seem to be very proud of this yet you also said you are struggling just about getting by.. not sure if the place you live is near your family home.. if it is then other than independence and possibly closer to work purpose.. then i'd say you're stupid and is impressing no one.. certainly not me!

why bear burden on yourself financially when you don't need to?? what is with this stigma that living at home at certain age is a bad thing in Ireland?? Don't you know living with your parents bring the family closer.. you foot less bills when sharing albeit with your parents (e.g. no multiple basic electric bill charges etc) it just make sense in these financial situation and reduce unnecessary money wastage..

people need to lose their so called 'self pride', lose the idea they have in their head that others see that they are able to 'stand' on their two feet if they live away from their parents and start thinking with their head.. Living at home while earning money is still standing on your own two feet last time i check..

Sleepy

OP, I'm 31, single earner in a family of four. Whenever I have a bank balance that's odd (e.g. 673.24), I transfer the odd amount (the 3.24) into my kid's bank account. It's next nothing in the cold light of day but it makes me feel good every time I do it.

As a parent: take the money. Your mother will get more pleasure from making your life easier with it than spending it on some frippery she doesn't need.

shinikins

OP I feel like its possible your mother wants you to take the money to help her with her grief, I know from past experience that there is a lot of guilt associated with a close family member passing away and leaving money to just one person. Perhaps she feels the need to assuage this by helping you out, and her anger and upset stems from this.

Maybe you should think about asking her to hold the money in trust until you feel the need to ask for it. That way, she will feel like she is doing something for you, instead of feeling upset at your perceived rejection of the money. You need never tell her that you won't ever ask for it, and if she happens to ask if you need it, you can easily offer some excuse, and put it off for a while.

LegacyUser

OP, please accept the money, or take half.. your mother wants to help you and it will make her feel good by being able to help you so it would actually be in her interest as well as yours if you were to take the money!

My mother passed away a few years ago and she used to lodge small amounts of money into my account on the sly from my other siblings when I was in college. I never asked her, she just put the money in and rang me to say there was another 40 lodged, etc. She had just returned to work and it was the first time she had her 'own' money since before she was married, and it meant a lot to her to be able to help me out.

LegacyUser

wasters_u_r wrote: »

Regarding the money your mother offer, i'd say take it for now, it's easier on you and it'll keep her happy.. if you feel that strongly about it, don't use it.. lodge it in a bank account.. should your mother need it sometime in the future, you can whip it out and give it back..


the other thing.. I'm not sure of the full background but when i read your post the first thing that come to my mind is that said your friends judges you yet they live at home..

you seem to be very proud of this yet you also said you are struggling just about getting by.. not sure if the place you live is near your family home.. if it is then other than independence and possibly closer to work purpose.. then i'd say you're stupid and is impressing no one.. certainly not me!

why bear burden on yourself financially when you don't need to?? what is with this stigma that living at home at certain age is a bad thing in Ireland?? Don't you know living with your parents bring the family closer.. you foot less bills when sharing albeit with your parents (e.g. no multiple basic electric bill charges etc) it just make sense in these financial situation and reduce unnecessary money wastage..

people need to lose their so called 'self pride', lose the idea they have in their head that others see that they are able to 'stand' on their two feet if they live away from their parents and start thinking with their head.. Living at home while earning money is still standing on your own two feet last time i check..

Excuse me?? You know nothing about me. How dare you call me stupid. What makes you think I'm trying to impress you or anyone else for that matter? Not that I owe you an explanation, but I cannot live at home for I am not on speaking terms with one of my family members and rather than 'bringing the family closer' it was tearing us apart. I have lived out of home since I was 22, returning for a period of 8 months prior to living where I currently am, and am healing from a very, very toxic long-term relationship- I need my space at the moment and need to be alone. My independance is something I value, is worth more than any sum of money to me, and I have worked damn hard to get it.

Anyway, I have decided to use some of the money on quality time with my mother, she is delighted, and hopefully it will deepen our bond.

Thanks a million to everyone who gave positive advice, and to all you who seem to have assumed I'm just a bratty child; you don't know anything about me, please don't judge me.

curlzy

Hey OP,

My parents are well off and generous. They recently bought me and my partner a car because ours was starting to go crappy. They absolutely love to see me and my partner driving off for weekends or coming up to visit in what they call "a proper car" . I don't know how well off your mum is but if she wants to give you this gift then let her, from the sounds of it you are struggling, it would give her some peace from worrying if you took it. Also there's no reason to not give it back to her at a later date. Myself and my partner are doing well and if at any point in the future we can return the favour we will, maybe buy my little sister a car. In my family we all look out for each other, my little brother knows that when he goes to Australia he can call me if he gets stuck and I always throw the lil sis a few bob when she's stuck. So yeah let your mum have the pleasure of giving you the money and the peace of mind knowing that you're life is a little bit easier. Buy her a big bunch of flowers after you've accepted it, accept it graciously basically. It's a lovely thing your mam tried to do, and your reaction must have felt like a slap in the face. So yeah swallow your pride/stubbornness and let her do what mums like doing i.e. looking after their kids. It won't make you any less independent so let that go, it would only be dependence on her if you were regularly going to her to pay your bills, mums like helping out their kids from time to time.

Best of luck.

Danniboo

Gggrribbet wrote: »

I'm not moving into a houseshare to save money, as I am extremely lucky that the flat I am renting is only marginally more than a double bedroom in a good house in my area. The flat is incredably cheap for what it is. It never gets listed on Daft etc as it always has people move in immediately after the previous tenants, usually a friend of the previous occupants. I think my mother wasn't expecting me to move out as suddenly as I did earlier this year, but it was too good an opportunity to miss when i was offered it by my friend who had to return to Poland at short notice, so I think she didn't have time to get used to me leaving and she probably worries about me more as her only daughter.

Okay so the general concensus from here and from anyone I've asked IRL is to take the money, but split it with her so that she has to spend some of it on herself, even if it's a weekend away for a mother/daughter bonding session.

I still feel massively uncomfortable doing this, but I'm trying to see it from the parents perspective aswell. I guess I just feel guilty because my brothers have no qualms taking from her to fund travel/car maintenance etc, so i figured I'd even the balance and not take anything, y'know? And I haven't really since I was old enough to get a job. It's very difficult to give that up!!!

if your only starting out living on your own then its bound to be a struggle for you for the first while. You should have a look on the Askaboutmoney.com website it's really good for practical tips on every day spending where you can save etc, might be worth a look.

Kosseegan

Do not take the money. You will be tormented for years after. When the money is gone your mother will remind you of how generous she was and try and manipulate you. Independence is the place to be.

Danniboo

Kosseegan wrote: »

Do not take the money. You will be tormented for years after. When the money is gone your mother will remind you of how generous she was and try and manipulate you. Independence is the place to be.

Nonsense, unless you know the OPs mother, you are presuming that all mothers are manipulative and incapable of helping there children out when there stuck out of the goodness of there hearts.What a crazy statement to make.

foxyboxer

Your mother is doing what is only natural for a parent.
She has some surplus cash she doesn't need and wants to share it out.
Did your siblings raise an argument about the cash? Did they take it or turn it down too.

It might feel like your mother is trying to somehow control you but from what I can see she just means well. I would apologise to her and say that if you need money you will ask for it but ask her to respect your own independence too.

Alternatively, you can take it if it's a grand and put it in a seperate bank account as a "rainy day fund" that whilst it is in your name, that your mother can access the funds if necessary too which would appease her concerns.
And the rainy day fund would be for actual emergencies and not on outfits to impress your friends

Neyite

I would be very proud to have a daughter like you.

You are independant and self-sufficient from a young age, and you are so aware of your mother's needs it is a credit to both you and your rearing. So many adults your age still act like irresponsible children - I know some in their thirties with kids of their own and still leeching off their parents that they can ill afford.

Your solution of using the money to have lovely treats with your mum is a beautiful one. You will look back on those memories in years to come and be immensely grateful that you got that time with her.