Sister abused - remembering 30 years on

LegacyUser

This is a strange one.

I'm a 38 year old man and in the past week I've come to properly think about something that's always been there. From the late '70's to late '80's we lived in an area where - as is hardly uncommon - we had to walk to the local shop. The shop owner's son - a man of about my current age - used to walk to and fro, as their house was at one end and the shop at the other. We lived in an estate inbetween.

I was 7 or 8 at the time, but I used to make the journey with my sister all the time. She was 13 or 14. This creepo's favourite line was "(name) you're looking ravishly beautiful" to my sister. Up until this week, I thought that word never existed but it does. The connotations aren't very nice either. As strange as this may sound, I always knew she didn't like him but never questioned why. Seeing a few people of that era (unconnected) of late brought me back to the time mentally, and it's hit me like a ton of bricks.

1/ My sister would cross the road (dragging me along) when she'd see this guy coming. He'd cross too. She'd cross back. He'd cross back.

2/ He used to block her from getting past him unless he got his hug, and sometimes a kiss too. There was a grass verge by the path and I distinctly remember him stepping on to that to prevent her going around him as well.

3/ My sister was so afraid of this guy that we'd walk to the brow of the hill en route to the shop, she'd spot him, and turn around and walk back down. Then after a minute she'd walk back up as originally intended when he had passed by.

4/ I distinctly remember my sister saying, when she was 17, that she was delighted to have got a motorbike because it meant she no longer had to risk bumping into him.

It takes another twist. In the mid '90's, not at all realizing that there was a family connection, I asked this guy's neice out. She was not only disinterested, but decided to take the pee as well. Fair enough (not nice, but fair enough) It then got to her friends shouting derogatory abuse at me in public, so I reported it.

She then decided that she was 'petrified' of me, to the point where she was going to pack in her job etc. (funny contrast that, but there you go!) The Garda dealing with the matter is universally accepted as not being the sharpest tool in the the box. The upshot of all this was that - through her network of utter scumbags - I ended up with the son of the guy who was molesting my sister treating me with the kind of contempt that actually belonged to his father!

I've been doing some digging, and it would appear that this abuser is dead. I very much want to have a face to face with his son though, and tell him a few home truths about his old man while he's being the high priest resultant from his crackpot cousin's over - active imagination (based on nothing more than the fact that she wasn't interested in a date!!!)

I'm a law abiding citizen, but boy, do I mother - effing well feel like shouting this from the rooftops. Ironic is not the word. If anyone could suggest a legal and responsible way of getting 'closure' on this (given that the tosser appears to be languishing in hell currently) I'd be all ears (or, indeed, eyes!) I don't speak with my sister and I don't see her so that's a bit of downer. This is what I remember, but my memory is crystal clear.

Thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

OP, I can understand your frustration, hurt and anger about what this man possibly did to your sister. I say possibly, because right now you're putting 2+2 together and maybe getting 4, but you might also be getting 10,000 for all you know.

My partner was abused as a child, and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't fantasise about finding the b*stard, and reporting him (and more, but no point in explaining the obvious). But my partner refuses to tell me who it is, and I have to respect that. Sexual abuse is a massively sensitive area, and your sister has to be the one in charge. I know it's hard, believe me, I know exactly how you feel. But you can't go making allegations like this to the mans son. There is no way of knowing what happened between your sister and this man, and because of this business with the niece, you run the risk of being seen as trying to 'get back' at the family with unfounded allegations. If, in the future, your sister wants to come out and talk about it, by doing this now you will have undermined her case and her credibility.

I don't see what kind of legal advice you could get. You weren't abused, and the man is dead. The only person who has the ability and right to start anything is your sister. It's not your role to do it. If this did happen when she was young it's entirely possible she herself has put it behind her, and bringing it up again, in a confrontational manner, could easily send her spiraling backward in terms of her recovery.

My only advice in this would be to try and get back in contact with your sister. See how she's doing, and sound her out over the whole thing, tell her your fears and suspicions- but be prepared for her to dismiss your beliefs, and tell you that you're mistaken. And frankly, if she does that you have to respect what she says, as much as you can.

Best of luck, OP.

Miss Fluff

Hav you actually discussed this with your sister? Has she categorically confirmed that she was abused by this man?

SlimCi

I'm afraid this is really your sisters issue and unless she comes forwards and points a finger and makes a complaint there is nothing you can do. You don't know exactly what transpired between them at all meetings. The girl tried to make a fool of you and humiliated you, I don't blame you for wanting to hurt back but I think the best thing for you would be to forget it and move on. Your sister would be the accuser, not you...

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies people. I'll try and deal with / clarify.

What I witnessed - and I'm going entirely on what I witnessed - was definately sexual harassment. Yes, things were a bit more 'casual' shall we say in those days, but it was weird back then too. I would consider groping / purposely putting himself in my sister's path sex abuse, given an age differencial of about 27 years. These were regular incidents over an extended period, to the point where my sister was petrified of walking up the road. At one point I do recall her beating him away.

I do take the point(s) re: this being my sister's issue. Unfortunately we don't have any relationship; she's consumed with anger (to the point where a relative described her as "the angriest person I ever met") and I have my suspicions about that in itself. I don't want to turn this racial or anything, but facts are facts: she got together with a foreign guy who likes to have his 'little woman' and he won't allow me to talk to her. It's nuts. She basically can't think for herself at this stage.

Regarding my admittedly selfish interest in this, frankly I haven't thought about the girl who made a fool of me and happens to be this dude's neice (she made quite a fool of herself too) in years. I did, however, bump into this scumbag's son (her cousin) about 18 months ago (not being aware of what I've since recalled) I was dead friendly and got a cold response, with that unmistakable look of "I know all about you".

He looks / reacts to me like I'm some sort of rapist! I have a fairly high tolerance when it comes to irony, but this truly blows it I'm afraid. Long story short, his cousin wanted me to have the stigma of a sexual pest without the reasons as a particularly nasty way of rejecting me (see OP) The Garda who got involved at the time asked me really weird questions, but at no point would divulge what these insane questions were about ("Did you ever purposely make sure you bumped into her" etc.) He ended up giving me a formal apology, which he never quite got over (judging by 16 years of dirty looks!)

I can't express in words how much I want to look into the eyes of this son of a pervert and tell him exactly where he stands with his hilarious 'contempt'. I guess as hard as it is, I'll have to try and find a way of letting it go. They're actually a very nice family otherwise, and I have had good relations with some of them since the coincidental debacle with the girl who I didn't know was related at the time. You couldn't write it! (oh, I just have )

Thanks for reading, and for the replies.

Miss Fluff

I think you could do with going to see a counsellor tbh

curlzy

Hey OP,

As there's simpley no point in having this forum if we question what a poster says, so I'm going to take you 100% literally on what you've said. In that regard I really don't think you need councelling. In your situation it is 100% normal to be ferociously angry at being termed a sexual predator (incorrectly) by the family of someone who abused your sister. I honestly think, as hard as it sounds, that you need to let this go. The scumbag is dead. There's no point in saying anything to his family as that will just result in you getting in trouble for slander, not sure if you can in relation to dead people but it could be seen as slanderous to the whole scumbag's family. In order to feel better just remember; that lying cow will always be the pathetic lying bitch and that's a pretty **** existance.

You did nothing wrong OP, so just let it go and let that pack of scumbags get on with their pathetic existance, if they go on like that it's gonna be one really ****ty life. So yeah let it go and take solace in the fact that you are the better person. If you meet any of them around, hold you head high and ignore them.

Best of luck.

LittleBook

QuiteConfused wrote: »

I did, however, bump into this scumbag's son (her cousin) about 18 months ago (not being aware of what I've since recalled) I was dead friendly and got a cold response, with that unmistakable look of "I know all about you".

He looks / reacts to me like I'm some sort of rapist!

I can't express in words how much I want to look into the eyes of this son of a pervert and tell him exactly where he stands with his hilarious 'contempt'.

Actually, I agree that counselling might be a good idea.

You don't even know why this guy is being cold, maybe he just doesn't like you. But you're assuming it's because of what happened with his cousin, a situation for which you got a formal apology and you haven't even thought about for years.

A completely separate issue is that you're only now (this week) dealing with what happened to your sister many years ago, which is a very painful experience particularly since you, in a sense, experienced it too as you were there. You have nowhere to direct your anger as the abuser is dead so it is being directed to the abuser's son.

You have an issue with him which has nothing to do with your sister and which (I suspect) would not be as big an issue if you weren't dealing with what happened to her.

Personally, I think counselling would help you a great deal. Good luck OP.