Friendship problem are some things better left unsaid?

wlmer

Hi I’m a male and have had a platonic friendship with a girl for six months that I met playing tag rugby. We have been good friends to each other and would meet up every week. Text every couple of days and have a phone conversation once or twice a week sometimes for a couple of hours at a time. The friendship is decent and she has told me personal enough things about herself and I have done likewise. Recently all my mates have been away on holiday and I have felt I have been contacting her too much. I would text her and get a reply the next day. Yesterday I rang her and didn’t get a reply. I have decided to leave it a week or two before contacting her (this would be quite a long time for us not to talk to each other). What I am wondering is when I contact her again and arrange to meet up should I address the issue of me contacting her too much and make a joke out of it or should I just leave it unsaid? Either way I have decided to give her more room but should I bring this up or just pretend it didn’t happen. Are some things better left unsaid?

gmac102

I wouldnt bring it up, surely its ok to contact friends whenever and not give it to much thought....

however the fact that you seem a bit stressed about it leads me to believe maybe you want it to be more?? i dont know, something to ponder over!

Blush_01

+1 on what gmac102 has said.

Do you normally overthink things, or is it just this thing that you're overthinking, and if so, why?

Maple

Moved from TLL.

Maple

I am a friend

Why not just leave it 3 or 4 days so its not as obvious as a couple of weeks?

city girl

If you are friends and have been friendly towards each other with nothing untoward happening (argument, other woman etc) since the last incidence of friendly contact then i would ring her, not text her. that is, if you still want a friendship or more. If you dont, then leave it alone. if you do and you leave it for two weeks the whole thing will go tits up whether it is a friendship or whether its something that you would like to develop ito something more lasting than a friendship. Be nice, be truthful and see where you go from there. Dont start any kind of passive aggressive **** as it might blow up on you, all the best x

wlmer

Thanks for the replies. Not interested in her romantically at all (she is fairly plane) but am worried she thinks I am due to me contacting her too much last week. She has been a good friend to me and I dont want to wreak it. This has been my first non girlfriend female relationship in years and I don't want her thinking im into her (interested in someone else at the moment). But im not sure should I talk to her about it?

wlmer

I am a friend wrote: »

Why not just leave it 3 or 4 days so its not as obvious as a couple of weeks?

To be honest I think she thinks im into her so contacting her again so soon would just make her believe this more. Thats why im wondering when we do get in contact should I say to her why I contacted her so much last week or even tell her im not interested in her in that way (dont want to hurt the girls feelings either)

I am a friend

No you don't say anything. If she asks just say it's been a crazy busy couple of weeks.

You seem safe though - if she was into you she would have replied to you. Don't make a drama where there is none and by the way, that's not a very nice way to speak about a good friend of yours (meaning your comment that she is plaIN).

Daisy M

wlmer wrote: »

To be honest I think she thinks im into her so contacting her again so soon would just make her believe this more. Thats why im wondering when we do get in contact should I say to her why I contacted her so much last week or even tell her im not interested in her in that way (dont want to hurt the girls feelings either)

I dont think you should leave it 2 weeks a week is more than enough and even then just send a text along the lines of " sorry havent been in touch but have been mad busy". I dont think you should mention the previous unanswered call and texts. You are overthinking this, whats to say she wont be in touch soon or that she has some stuff going on and she just hasnt had a chance to get back to you.

wlmer

I am a friend wrote: »

No you don't say anything. If she asks just say it's been a crazy busy couple of weeks.

You seem safe though - if she was into you she would have replied to you. Don't make a drama where there is none and by the way, that's not a very nice way to speak about a good friend of yours (meaning your comment that she is plaIN).

Oh I know she is not into me. I am however afraid that she thinks im into her due to me contacting her a good bit last week. She has had a past guy friend who wanted more from her friendship and I dont want this to be an issue between us. I am half afraid that I scared her off thats why I want to give her time. The comment about her being plain was just to show Im not into her at all in that way. I do however think she is a great person.

I am a friend

You are overthinking this... Just chill and contact her again in a while....

wlmer

Daisy M wrote: »

I dont think you should leave it 2 weeks a week is more than enough and even then just send a text along the lines of " sorry havent been in touch but have been mad busy". I dont think you should mention the previous unanswered call and texts. You are overthinking this, whats to say she wont be in touch soon or that she has some stuff going on and she just hasnt had a chance to get back to you.

Im not going to leave it two weeks will probably just contact her next week. I do believe though that people need space. Half the problem is that I contacted her three times last week. Normally contact would go she contacts me once I contact her once. I am now worried that she thinks I like her which would ruin the friendship. If she contacts me which there is a good chance will happen I will not bring it up. But if she doesn't contact me (which would be very unusual) it means somethings up and I would nearly like to explain or make a joke out of contacting her so much.

wlmer

I am a friend wrote: »

You are overthinking this... Just chill and contact her again in a while....

I know I am. Its just that I came to Ireland three years ago. Have had a girlfriend and have a good few friends. These friends however are more like drinking buddies I go out and have a laugh with them but they are not close friends that I would tell things to like I had back home. This is my first close friendship in Ireland and just dont want to mess it up. Guess Im just afraid by contacting her a good bit last week that she now thinks I want more. In a way its weird never thought I would worry so much about a friendship. Think because its a male female friendship im worried about her thinking that I like her.

I am a friend

wlmer wrote: »

Think because its a male female friendship im worried about her thinking that I like her.

And so what if she does? Just get back to acting normally and things will go back to normal.

wlmer

I am a friend wrote: »

And so what if she does? Just get back to acting normally and things will go back to normal.

The problem with it is that this would change the friendship and possibly scare her off. Dont want to go into it but she has had issues with previous guys (boyfriend and friend) being to clingy to her. The fact that she hasnt contacted me is very unusual also shes not busy either as she has 3 months off work. Im afraid that by contacting her too much last week that she will now think im clingy. I want to give her space but at the same time I dont want her last memory of me as being clingy. I'm also worried cause its a fairly new friendship that although 6 months old has only become very close the last 3 months.

thisStuff

You say that you are not interested in her for a relationship, but what does she think? She may or may not be interested in you, and her age and level of experience in relationships may mean that she is not so well able to understand or react to your intentions.

To clarify this, I would (if you haven't already) try to drop into conversation about being interested in some other girl. Ask her advice on something related to it, for example. This would have added bonus of making her feel valued.

She may think that you have been blowing hot and cold on her, and be annoyed with that.

If you want to re-establish contact, you should try to make it as low-key as possible. You could send her a text saying that you will be at X pub/café with Y person at Z time, and to drop in if she's free. This would leave it open to her to say yes or no without seeming like a big deal.

wlmer

thisStuff wrote: »

You say that you are not interested in her for a relationship, but what does she think? She may or may not be interested in you, and her age and level of experience in relationships may mean that she is not so well able to understand or react to your intentions.

To clarify this, I would (if you haven't already) try to drop into conversation about being interested in some other girl. Ask her advice on something related to it, for example. This would have added bonus of making her feel valued.

She may think that you have been blowing hot and cold on her, and be annoyed with that.

If you want to re-establish contact, you should try to make it as low-key as possible. You could send her a text saying that you will be at X pub/café with Y person at Z time, and to drop in if she's free. This would leave it open to her to say yes or no without seeming like a big deal.

Thanks for the reply. Fairly certain she is not into me. While we are very personal with each other we are not flirty. Our friendship is very much one on one so inviting someone else would be kind of weird. Dropping into conversation about a girl im interested in is a good idea, but im not seeing anyone at the moment and dont want to pretend im interested in someone when im not. I would feel really bad lieing to her about this. I really wish she was a guy so this tension wouldnt arise, that would solve my problem

I am a friend

wlmer wrote: »

The problem with it is that this would change the friendship and possibly scare her off. Dont want to go into it but she has had issues with previous guys (boyfriend and friend) being to clingy to her. The fact that she hasnt contacted me is very unusual also shes not busy either as she has 3 months off work. Im afraid that by contacting her too much last week that she will now think im clingy. I want to give her space but at the same time I dont want her last memory of me as being clingy. I'm also worried cause its a fairly new friendship that although 6 months old has only become very close the last 3 months.

Ok, you wont take the advice on here so what exactly is your question now?

wlmer

I am a friend wrote: »

Ok, you wont take the advice on here so what exactly is your question now?

No I probably will take the advice and wont bring it up next time we meet. I do however think that I will leave it over a week before contacting her. I have contacted her a good bit recently and if she wants to get in touch she will. Just hope I haven't scared her off by her thinking im into her . The reason im worried is that I know she can be hyper sensitive to things like this and understandably so. Just wondering really has anyone else been in a situation like this from either persons perspective?

LegacyUser

wlmer wrote: »

.... I don't want her thinking im into her (interested in someone else at the moment). ....

wlmer wrote: »

........Dropping into conversation about a girl im interested in is a good idea, but im not seeing anyone at the moment and dont want to pretend im interested in someone when im not. I would feel really bad lieing to her about this.....

OP, are you interested in someone else or not?

wlmer

bleeblee wrote: »

OP, are you interested in someone else or not?

To be honest I am interested in a girl I work with at the moment, but I have had feck all contact with her and dont know am I going to ask her out. I would just find it weird to talk about a girl I fancy till I have at least gone on a date with her.