Boyfriend "not bothered

guest071010

Thanks to all who read this and offer any advice..

I met my boyfriend in 2005. We were together for four years, we have a son together but things got ropey and we had to break up Jan 2009.

He has wanted to get back with me since December 2009. I said no.
Our sex life during that four years was hell for me. He had an issue with my weight, saying he'd prefer if I was slim and I would turn him on more if I was. We might've had sex once every month or so.

After much deliberation I agreed to taking him back in April of this year. I am more overweight now than I was in 2009. He promised and swore blind it wasn't an issue for him and that we could have a healthy sex life. That he knew now what I needed and he could now give it to me.

Well, long story short, nothing has changed. We were very loved up for the first month or so but old habits began to creep back in. My weight has become an issue for him again and we are intimate once or twice a month. When we are it's very one sided.. as in, he's satisfied, I am not.

I am blue in the face talking and arguing and trying to fix this. He says he doesn't want it to be like this and wants things to be better but nothing is changing. I am not at the end of my tether 6 months on and am hurting so much. I would not have taken him back if I knew I was going to go through this again. feeling undesired and rejected day in day out..

He told me last night he has spoken to friends and a few of them have been in the same boat once they move in with their girlfriends - their sex drive decreases and he said it's quite low on his list of priorities and he's just not bothered having sex with me. Ouch.

I am interested to hear if anyone else went through something similar and if there's any way passed this? or if any of the guys reading this had similar happen to them when they moved in with their girlfriends?

He says he finds it hard to 'switch off' and with our son in the next room etc.. We don't go out together.. he works most weekends. But he's suggesting if we start going out regularly, having a bit of excitement in our lives, it might help. He hopes it will.

I'm worn out by it all and feel so heartbroken..

Mighty_Mouse

You seem to believe in a 1-sided solution, in that, your OH has to sort himself out.
He has clearly communicated his issues to you but your choose to ignore them.

I am more overweight now than I was in 2009.

Weight is manageable & fixable.
Assume he loves you & wants to keep his family together.
For the sake of your son & your relationship would you not consider tackling this issue?

Distorted

Sorry but I'm going to agree with Mighty_Mouse. It sounds like your boyfriend likes you as a person but also needs, not unreasonably, to be attracted to you as well. And without getting into the arguement over men preferring curvy women, and not knowing how overweight you are, being very oveweight is not universally popular. What is wrong with trying to be as attractive as possible, if the positives are a better sex life, a happier boyfriend and keeping your family together, along with the health benefits. Its also concerning that you are showing a trend of ever increasing weight gain. There becomes a stage when its life changing.

(none of the above applies if you are only half a stone to a stone overweight).

LegacyUser

i really empathize with your situation. i have also been in a relationship that felt so lack lustre from the other side. i loved my boyfriend so much and while i was aware of the "routine-ness" that comes with a four year+ relationship, i didn't care and still made an effort. i ended up breaking up with him over this as i felt that i was too young to be taken for granted when i knew others wouldn't. like your boyfriend, this made my boyfriend go nuts to get me back. for two years he tried and even though i loved him more than anyone and he knew i did-i wouldn't get back with him.
anyway-i just tell you this to back up what i'm going to say to you next- as in, i know what i'm talking about.

first things first-people are only human, they make mistakes, fall into routines, take people for granted. sometimes they need a kick up the arse, sometimes they need to be dropped altogether. in your situation it sounds like you love him/don't want to leave him and the fact you have a child would prompt you to stay together moreso. so understadning that people are only human i would say don't be aggressive when you talk about this to your boyfriend. calmly talk about the hurt you feel. say it to him once and then go on to do the rest of the things i recommend.

so what can you do? well, it sounds pretty lame, but the first thing you have to do is feel good about yourself. you shouldn't lose weight for somebody else, but if you are overweight, chances are it's not doing your confidence or your health any favours. lose weight. you don't have to be a model. but any improvement will do wonders for your confidence and reduce that "sluggish,pudgy" feeling you get when you pull on jeans. in the meantime/even if you don't decide to do the weight loss thing-just try and feel confident about yourself. it's horrible to say but insecurity is unattractive. i know he is making you insecure about yourself by highlighting the weight issue so it's a vicious cycle really.

push your own achievements: i don't know what you do/if you work/have interests. but push them. try to improve in any way you can. even if it's just by being a nicer person to people in general. (i'm sure you are nice already). be active, have your own interests that don't include him. build your circle of friends. seeing how much others enjoy your company will remind your boyfriend of how lucky he is that HE has you. (i know, it shouldn't have to take that to remind him but as i said-people are only human)

i hope i have explained this well and am happy to give more advice if it's helpful..

guest071010

Thanks, I appreciate both comments.

I should have said I've started to do something about my excess weight. I started in August. I've lost two stone and have one to lose.

I didn't ignore his issues. He promised my weight wasn't an issue for him anymore. Two years had passed and he said he'd realised what he'd lost and what was important. He said we'd have a healthy sex life, that's what he wanted. He said the weight wasn't an issue for him.

About a month or two after we got back together he realised he was wrong I guess..

But he has a list of reasons as long as my arm about why he's not bothered.. and because friends of his reported feeling the same after moving in with their girlfriends he thinks its perfectly normal.

I'm very emotional.. I hope I'm making sense.. Thanks for listening

squonk

I'm inclined to think that it's a case of you both should have known better. OP, were you always a bit on the chubby side? If so, then he shouldn't really have much to complain about in that he knew the story when he met you. If, on the other hand, you were a stick insect and don't excercise and have ballooned in weight ever since you met, then perhaps he has a point. What's missing from your post is that he has said anything like 'I'm a bit worried about you because of your weight'. To me it sounds like 'You've weight on, I'm not having sex with you because of that'. I think in that case if he's not happy about that and you are trying, then he should pack up and move on and let you meet somebody else who values you. Nobody deserves to live in a one sided relationship.

Taltos

Whatever is going on there one thing is really bugging me - this whole "my friend said" thing - look he is not in a relationship with his friends - he is in one with you.

If he wants to stay in that relationship you both need to really learn how to communicate open and frankly and to-hell with what his friends are saying.

One thing to consider though is maybe he is using the whole friend thing and your weight as a smokescreen. Who knows maybe just maybe he is happy with the amount of sex you are having and just does not know how to say this without sounding less manly, if that makes sense?

At the end of the day though - if no matter what this relationship is making you or him unhappy then you both have a more important question to ask here...

guest071010

guest222222222 wrote: »

i hope i have explained this well and am happy to give more advice if it's helpful..

Excellent advice.. thank you! Everything you've suggested I've already realised and tried or am in the process of trying. I don't feel so nuts now having read your post, thanks

Taltos wrote: »

Whatever is going on there one thing is really bugging me - this whole "my friend said" thing - look he is not in a relationship with his friends - he is in one with you.

If he wants to stay in that relationship you both need to really learn how to communicate open and frankly and to-hell with what his friends are saying.

One thing to consider though is maybe he is using the whole friend thing and your weight as a smokescreen. Who knows maybe just maybe he is happy with the amount of sex you are having and just does not know how to say this without sounding less manly, if that makes sense?

At the end of the day though - if no matter what this relationship is making you or him unhappy then you both have a more important question to ask here...

Thanks Taltos. You're right about the 'friends' thing. I said the very same thing to him last night. His response was that at least now he doesn't feel as alien because of how he's feeling, that others feel it too.

But tbh I think you've hit the nail on the head. I think it is a smokescreen, along with the other umpteen reasons he gives. I tried asking him that question last night - are you happy with the amount of sex we're having - and he couldn't answer me. But at the same time he realises it's a problem (for me moreso) and wants to try fix it because he hates seeing me so unhappy.

The important question you are referring to has come up too.. we both know that we are on the brink of walking away from eachother for a second time. It might sound petty to some people reading this - breaking up because of sex, particularly when there is a child involved.. but I'm a shadow of who I used to be.. If I'm unhappy my son will be unhappy.

This may sound very ignorant or naive.. and before I even ask this question I realise there probably isn't a real answer to it.. but what is a normal sex life? Taltos you suggested he may be happy with the amount of sex we're having - i.e. once a month - and he may be afraid to admit that for fear of sounding less manly. Is that normal then? Am I asking too much of him? Weight issue aside, if he's happy having sex once a month and I really am not, am I to weigh up all the good in this relationship and ask MYSELF is it worth holding onto? Have other people found themselves in this predicament?

Taltos

See the thing is there are studies all over the place - Kinsey in the US is one of the most well known.

Amount of sex can vary by age etc. However - there are a few things that impact sex and sometimes quite dramatically.

For example
1. Stress - for some people stress can trigger a desire for sex, for others it is an instant turn off.
2. Tiredness - again, this can have severe impacts to even wanting to have sex.
3. Fitness level - can have an impact.
4. Age - for some as they age the drive can reduce (but not for all).
There really are so many variables.

Thing is - having already broken up once this 2nd time is probably it for the two of you. If you walk away this time well that will be it.

Does he really understand how important sex is to you and is he willing to compromise - and are you?
I mean instead of sex say 3 times a week or whatever - what about mixing it up - using masturbation or vibrators (either alone or with him lying with you) or just spending sensual time together without the act itself. Who knows maybe the frequency has gotten to him and he feels it is too mechanical at this stage and he misses the emotional aspect?

If sex was great before then yes something has changed and you can get to the bottom of it if you try. However, if he just buries his head in the sand and says that everyone else is having just as little then he is shutting his eyes to the very real risk that you will walk... Does he really really see this?

I suggest you both talk again.
Lay all your cards on the table.
Find a compromise and even consider going to a counsellor with the express intent of resolving your sexual differences.

qwertytlk

Wow... I cant believe soeone who is claiming to love you is actually treating you like this.
How dare he say those things to you! Imo he is completley heartless if he can put you down like this. If i were you i would end things and concentrate on yourself and your son. And find someone who loves you for who you are.

Canluum

From what I can see here is you're convolving two separate issues.

1. Your weight.
2. Sexual incompatability.

The first you're both using as an excuse to blind you from the second.

qwertytlk wrote: »

Wow... I cant believe soeone who is claiming to love you is actually treating you like this.
How dare he say those things to you! Imo he is completley heartless if he can put you down like this.

All else aside, is it not reasonable to expect a partner to take care of themselves and stay healthy?

aidan24326

OP, the idea that his sex-drive should all but disappear after you two move in together is nonsense and I'm sure you know that. His friends must all have fairly crap relationships if that story is true, but I imagine he just made that up.

You say you have made the effort to lose weight and are almost down to your target weight yet nothing has changed in the bedroom department, so what does that tell you? It sounds like maybe you're not sexually compatible, and that's not a small deal in any relationship, son or no son. As for what's a normal amount of sex it'll be different strokes for different folks and all that, but you're obviously not happy with this once a month situation and I expect not many would be.