Feeling very down and worried - advice needed

LegacyUser

Hi all,

This may end up being long so please bear with me. Basically I'm getting increasingly down and worried about the fact that I have yet to have a relationship with a guy. In fact I've never even been kissed - I'm 26. To look at me or to know me you wouldn't think this (well I don't think you would), I'm quite outgoing in that I'm not shy and retiring with my head down the whole time, I do have confidence issues but then most people do.

I've been told I'm very attractive yada yada but this still doesn't seem to help with meeting anybody. Growing up in this country you are led to believe that a pub/club is the only place to meet your future husband but I was never really into this scene (it's only in the last year or so that I've become more accepting of the whole scene - was never into it in college, prob due to very low self esteem and I was much quieter then alright).

I'm just terrified that I'll end up alone and this is not just because I feel I should be in a relationship for the sake of it but because I actually really would like someone special in my life but it's gotten to the point where I am terrified to start a relationship cos I don't have any experience.

At the moment there are a lot of friends/work colleagues that are pregnant and everyone is so happy and it feels like I'm out in the cold. I keep thinking oh this is never going to happen for me.

My friends, in general, wouldn't do much during the week so I don't get out much with them except maybe at the weekend when we'd go for a drink or dinner or cinema. I actually feel guilty sometimes when I have a quiet weekend and do nothing.

I don't really know what I'm getting at here. I guess I would like some advice because I'm getting to the point where it's constantly on my mind.

I would like to meet new friends as well apart from anything romantic but where do you begin?? Everyone just seems to have their own set of friends nowadays.

Thanks

mojesius

Hi there OP.

You mentioned that you're worried about ending up alone and that you feel left out in the cold with people announcing pregnancies etc. Firstly, the biggest favour you can do or yourself is refrain from comparing yourself to others. It may be slightly cliched quoting this lyric, but I always try to remember it, when I start making comparisons with other people:

'Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself.'

It sounds like you just need to widen your social circle slightly. You'd be surprised on the impact this can have both on your self-esteem and on you being happy with how you spend your free time. The pub/ club scene isn't a great place to meet men or make new friends, if you're not very comfortable in this setting to begin with. If it's something you're warming to, generally, I find pubs are a better place to meet people than clubs - More chats and less drunks, generally

I'm not sure what your interests are, however, there are tons of other ways to meet people and widen your circle of friends - spending more time with work colleagues, online chatrooms/ dating sites, volunteering a few hours a week with St.VDP or a similar organisation, racing festivals (festivals/gigs in general too). From a quick google search, there are great meet ups organised online, such as walking clubs, menupages dinners out, social networking meet ups. Have a look at these around your area.

Also you should check out some of the Boards meet ups, events and nights out. I've never been myself, but I know that The Ladies Lounge and After Hours and more interest-based forums have regular based meet-ups, which i've heard are great fun.

Have you ever gone travelling or considered going travelling/ on holidays alone for a while? I did it a few years ago and met some fantastic people from all walks of life. Travelling alone is a great way to build your confidence, change your perspectives and enrich your life experience.

Finally, you need to remember that the most important relationship you have and you will ever have, is with yourself. Focus on you and focus on doing what makes you happy. You never know who you'll meet when you stop looking for them. I hope this helps.

LegacyUser

Thanks very much for your response :-)

I know I need to get out more. I don't really have that many friends you see - 2 or 3 close friends and the rest would be accquaintances (I used to think some were closer than they actually were but that's another story!). I'm very nervous going to anything new so I know that this is my own problem and no one elses.

I was thinking of doing a first aid course and joining a gym. I would like to do a cookery course of some sort but there's nothing out there that isn't too expensive (I'm in Cork).

I guess sometimes I don't feel like I have enough to offer and that I'm boring.

I wouldm't mind getting involved in a walking club - might look that up. A walking club that would have young people in it though!

Every year I tell myself that I will have a boyfriend before the end of the year and it never happens (sad I know!) and I'm now facing into my favourite time of year again with no one to share it with.

Ah well, that's life!

Thanks so much for replying - it means a lot

mojesius

I know what you mean about finding out who your 'friends' are. I think that's an unfortunate lesson we all learn, our circle of proper friends gets smaller as we get older .

As for going to meetups or joining a new club, I know it may seem scary. Try to remember though, that any fear you experience is only a temporary feeling. As soon as you walk in and introduce yourself, that's as scary as it's going to get, and you have nothing to be afraid of. What's the worst that can happen?

You should check out those cookery courses and look into joining the gym again - There are great deals at the moment for memberships and classes. Also, learning new things, taking new hobbies and exercising makes you feel great about yourself instantly. You're not boring with nothing to offer, so please, try not to think of yourself like that. I think you're maybe a bit bored with what's happening in your life at the moment, but it's not a reflection of who you are, and it's easily changed

Also, yeah, Christmas is coming, but it's only one (overrated) day of the year spent gorging oneself opening presents, when you think about it.

estar

Hi 26 is still young. I think it's important to accept your life as a journey and to recognise that maybe it wasn't the right time before that you were coming out if yourself. Now you are starting to want the intimacy you didn't seek out when younger. My advice is not to focus yet on meeting your future husband but instead focus on meeting new people. On a night out chat to as many people as possible, have fun explore your sexuality as much as you can when single as long as you feel safe. Take some risks in who you chat to. I think that doing something new makes us braver in all aspects of our life. Is there something different you could do - taking climbing wall lessons. Learning a new language. To scuba dive. something not characteristc of you. Be patient with yourself. Having many partners is over rated. When you meet the right people you can have lots of encounters with one person!!!