Irish Jokes

Tauriel

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to show them what’s happened. A Detective Inspector is sent and is taken straight to the first body.

"Englishman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile Inspector", says the Coroner.

The DI is taken to the second dead man. "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The DI is taken to the last body. "Ah" says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Irishman 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken," replies the coroner.
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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be sayin’ a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I’m afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I’ll go right away Father. Do ya’ think €5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn’t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

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An Englishman, Welshman, Scotsman and an Irishman were all sitting down discussing what is the fastest thing in life.
After much deliberation the Englishman said, "I believe it is the process of thought, it comes to one in a flash"
"Good try" agreed the Scot, "but I think blinking is even quicker."
"Pretty good but not quick enough," quipped the Welshman. " I am sure Electricity is faster, just think if you hit any light switch you get instant light"

After a few moments Paddy cut in, "I believe you all have valid points but I think diarrhoea wins !"
"What the feck are you talking about, Paddy?" chimed the three other guys.

"Well it is like this. Last night I went down to the local curry house for a vindaloo, which I washed down with 12 pints of Guinness, I then retired to bed. However at 3 o’clock in the morning, before I could think, blink or turn the light on, I shat myself !"