Relationship about to be LD relationship.

suckmyloli

Hi there,

I am looking for some advice on my relationship. I have been with my boyfriend for about 5.5 years. We are both 26 and after he graduates next year he is going to Australia for an uncertain amount of time (several years) to find a good job and I suppose set up a life.

This has been weighing on my mind and lead to a couple of arguments over the last year, but now he is really set on going I feel lost. The actually question boils down to this:

He has asked me to join him and his family for Christmas. Not only would this mean ditching my parents for Christmas (I've no other family) but it would also mean taking days off work.

I had planned to work Stephen's day to gain a day in lieu, but I would have to take this off if I spent Christmas with him.

It may not seem like a big choice, but I guess the thought behind it is if he chose to move to Australia for an undisclosed amount of time without even sparing me a thought after 5.5 years together, I'm not sure if I should make any sacrifices for him?

Would really appreciate any input here

Toto Wolfcastle

Do you really think that he didn't think about you when making his decision to go to Australia. It can't have been an easy decision. Do you understand how few jobs there are out there? Your boyfriend would be competing with people with years more experience. He's made an incredibly difficult but also responsible decision to go where he can hopefully get work rather than struggling here.

Spend Christmas with your family if you want, or spend it with him, but don't make your decision based on your opinion that he is going to Australia without taking your relationship into consideration. That's not fair.

suckmyloli

Thanks for your reply.

I don't think this was perticularly difficult for him, he never included me in any of it or discussed it with me so....

I'm not saying that he needs my permission or anything, but would have been nice if he had expressed some concern for our relationship.

Spending Christmas with him may just be the metaphor. Is it worth me making any sacrifices in the future for this relationship I guess is the better question? Really clueless here!

L'prof

Why aren't you going to Australia too???

I am a friend

The question is why are you staying with him til he goes if you resent him so much?

suckmyloli

This is his dream, he never asked me to join and I don't want to impose. And I certainly don't recent him at all I love him more than anything.

I can see that the readers here are far too judgemental to seek advice from. Thanks anyway

LegacyUser

after 5.5 years he's moving accross the world - he didn't ask you to join and you feel like you would be imposing?????

I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like that's a relationship...if your boyfriend hasn't even discussed this with you, then it's clear he has his mind made up and you're not in the picture. I would probably be walking away now and trying to rebuild my life, rather than waiting for the long drawn out goodbye and putting the inevitable off till he leaves.

Spend Christmas with your family - you're right, why should you make sacrifices for a relationship that is over.

ElleEm

It sounds like a really tough situation for you, OP.

He seems very selfish, as he didn't even consider you in making his decision, and he never asked you to go. Five years is a long time do be with someone, and I believe that it becomes a partnership after that length of time. He did not consider the partnership when he decided he was going to move. That's not good enough!

It doesn't sound like the relationship will continue while he is away. He will be in a completely different time zone, and it's unlikely you will both meet up regularly, so it won't be much of a relationship.

You should start making plans for YOUR life, Spend Christmas with your parents.

suckmyloli

I have been trying to get him to talk about the situation, I realise that this is likely to break off soon and I agree, it should be dealt with sooner rather than later. He keeps saying "why are you worrying about something that is happening months from now?"

Which is exactly it, since we know it's coming why are we waiting? Maybe I just need to be the bigger person and put a stop to this "relationship". Can't help but feel devastated.

I am a friend

suckmyloli wrote: »

I have been trying to get him to talk about the situation, I realise that this is likely to break off soon and I agree, it should be dealt with sooner rather than later. He keeps saying "why are you worrying about something that is happening months from now?"

Which is exactly it, since we know it's coming why are we waiting? Maybe I just need to be the bigger person and put a stop to this "relationship". Can't help but feel devastated.

There is no doubt about it - it is very hard on you..

I think the main issue is the fact that he doesnt factor you into his future and thats a hard pill to swallow after 5.5 years. He seems very self centered esp as he cant see why you cant just swim along as normal until he leaves.

I personally would finish it. It will take you time to get over it and it would be a good idea to stay single for a while (with no contact with your ex) and who knows, you may meet the man of your dreams even before his lordship heads off to oz...

The happy ending is out there but there is no point wasting any more time on this guy who seems to be on thinking of himself.

Noo

Talk about a mirror to my situation, Im the one going to oz and my boyfriend is staying here after being with him 4 years. Its not an easy decision. He is not going, i told him he is not going because he has to finish college.

Whenever i want to talk about it he gets upset and changes the subject. He knows Im going and would rather not have to be continuously reminded of it.

Im absolutely miserable here in Ireland. I have a good degree with some experience but i am so depressed being unemployed living with my parents. I know if i don't go i will resent him, he is the only reason i would stay. I keep telling him Im doing it for us, that i can get a shot at starting my career and be able to get jobs in the future wherever we end up.

If you feel you are imposing then i don't think you have a good enough relationship to begin with and probably won't last the long distance. Have you even suggested going over for a visit during the summer?

Taltos

OP - what are you waiting for here?
He is leaving to go to OZ.
There has been no talk of you going with him apart from a holiday.

Really - what are you getting out of this relationship?
Instead of waiting for him (not sure for what), why not just take action? Either have that talk with him to see what is really going on, i.e. do you have a future together on different parts of thw world or should you just stop messing each other about right now?

suckmyloli

He's in his final year of college. I don't want to break up now because it could really ruin his concentration. Perhaps I have painted him a bit mean, he is a wonderful person and has always been there for me.

But whenever I try to talk about any possible future prospects together he changes the subject, I don't mean about Australia but in general. Can't help but think that Oz is some kind of grand escape plan??

Seems it's time for this lonely girl to smell the coffee?

ElleEm

suckmyloli wrote: »

He's in his final year of college. I don't want to break up now because it could really ruin his concentration. Perhaps I have painted him a bit mean, he is a wonderful person and has always been there for me.

But whenever I try to talk about any possible future prospects together he changes the subject, I don't mean about Australia but in general. Can't help but think that Oz is some kind of grand escape plan??

Seems it's time for this lonely girl to smell the coffee?

You poor thing x

It doesn't sound like he's factoring you into his future at all.
He may be a great guy, but are you willing to waste any more time on a relationship with someone who doesn't see you in their future?

You've spent over five years with this gut, and regardless of how wonderful he is, he is doing a really sh!tty thing by planning to jet off to Oz to live HIS life, with no concern for you.

It will be tough to break up with him when your love for him is still strong, but it will be a million times worse if you wait til he's off to Australia. You'll torment yourself with ideas of him and his new life in the sun. Best to get it over and done with now.

I am a friend

suckmyloli wrote: »

He's in his final year of college. I don't want to break up now because it could really ruin his concentration.

Thats a total cop out.... He has no problem leaving you miserable...

suckmyloli wrote: »

Perhaps I have painted him a bit mean, he is a wonderful person and has always been there for me.

But he isnt if you read your next point...

suckmyloli wrote: »

But whenever I try to talk about any possible future prospects together he changes the subject, I don't mean about Australia but in general.

He doesnt want to commit to you at all but he wants you to hang round til he is ready to leave on his big adventure - without you. Is this good enough for you?

Mc Kenzie

i have to laugh at at your specific comments on extracts of the ops probs i am a freind.

op, it seems you have some decisions to make ...i think you should stop thinking about him and what hes doing....What about YOU? what do you want to do what about your future, dont change your life just to suit hims as he doesnt seem to have given all that much thaught to what you want

if he was comproomising aand discussing it with you then maybe you coudl work things out but he doesnt really sound like this

think about yourself and what you want !!!!:)