Girlfriend thinks she caused her friends suicide

moyloughman

Hi, was just looking for someones advice as dont really know what to do at the moment...my girlfriend's best friend killed herself a few years ago they were out drinking and had a big row long story short my girlfriend came in to apologize few hours later and found her...shes seen councilors etc...but doesn't seem to be able to get over the feeling guilty...i told her that its wasnt her fault and that ye were both kids when it happened...i love this girl more than anything its not affecting our relationship or anything but i just cant help but feel its always weighing her down im just trying to help her...

Eliot Rosewater

More suited to PI I think.

Eliot.

MungBean

This is just plain hypothetical now so dont jump down my throat. And I'm not a psychologist or in any way suitable to be giving advice on this. My view is more for contemplation than actual advice. And as such I welcome being told I'm off my rocker or what I'm saying would do more damage than good by people more knowledgeable in this area.


But if theres no way she can accept it wasnt her fault and that she's eternally convinced she played a part. Would it be healthy to help her accept that she did play a part and to try to come to terms with that.

I know the argument alone wouldnt have caused her friend to do what she did, there must have been more to it and that she is in no way to blame for her friends death but theres no denying the argument had an impact and thats what your GF cant let go of. If it was me and my friend killed themselves after an argument I'd know it played a part no matter how insignificant and how unintentional but it would be hard to get past knowing that.

Would a healthier option rather than reiterating points like "its not your fault" be to help her address the part that she has accepted was her fault and to try help her get past that and understand that it wasnt conscious, it couldnt have happened any other way and to try and move the acceptance from accepting she played a part to accepting the part wasnt the cause of the suicide ?

Hope that all makes sense as the last thing I want to do is confuse you about this. And if she's seen councillors they may have address the issue with her anyway but perhaps not. As I said I'm not trained in anything other than being a gobshíte so take everything I've said as an opinion and not as practical advice.

estar

Suicide is no ones fault as we are all responsible for our own existence no matter how tragic circumstances in our lives are. On no account should you tell your gf that she should come to terms with being somehow responsible. None of us are responsible for the existence of others. We cannot be expected to prop up the mental health of others to the point of being responsible for their suicide after a row. Suicide after excessive alcohol is not uncommon alcohol is a depressant and some people experience terrible lows when drinking and suicidal thoughts that they would not experience when sober. This can explain when a suicide happens out of the blue. given the human will to survive under normal circs when people generally fight to live the wish to die is to my mind a form of mental illness when people experience suicidal thoughts they should be educated to know this means they are unwell and should seek medical attention. People are not educated on how to desk with or respond to suicidal thoughts. This is my personal opinion having some experience of this. Your gf should attend a bereavement counsellor there are some available in the health system. she needs to pass through grieving this terrible loss and learn to accept that we cannot control others. You as her boyfriend can listen and reflect back positive things about her such as I know you are a great friend etc Her friend was unwell and she may have said unkind things to a person under pressure but she was just having a human moment. It's something most people have done. Just my perspective.

thefeatheredcat

Feeling guilt is like being stuck in a never ending loop.... but there is a way to break it.

Even if she feels that she is somewhat responsible, she cannot change that the fact the argument took place. If the argument had not taken place, then something else could have happened that would have resulted in her best friend taking her life. Nothing can change that, not even going back in time, should the argument had taken place or not taken place would be irrelevant.

She has to accept that it happened and let it go. There really is no other way to breaking the loop.

With support and continued counselling, she probably can come terms with what happened. Being the one to find her after the argument would have been a trauma for her, it would be for anyone even without a pre existing relationship or depth of friendship and even the events that proceeded.

The situation was outside of her control, there is nothing that she could have done. Even if the argument had not taken place, the result could have been the same.

For herself, she needs to face the guilt and work through it constructively and break the loop of the feelings. Carrying it with her, over time, will destroy her in some ways, so she does need to face it. She has no reason to feel guilty and perhaps out of the affection for her best friend, she feels she ought to given the circumstances. In a way, the guilt is like a punishment for her.

To move on, she needs to realise that there is nothing she could have done as the situation was outside of her control, regardless of the argument taking place or not, it still would have occurred and nothing can change that. She needs to forgive herself. And forgive her friend, while accepting that nothing can change what would have happened.

The only thing that you can do, is give her the strength and support and encouragement to face the guilt and deal with it constructively, as well as showing understanding and compassion. That's really all you can do, other than reinforcing positive aspects of her as a person, to keep her confidence in check so that the guilt doesn't consume her.

MungBean

estar wrote: »

Suicide is no ones fault as we are all responsible for our own existence no matter how tragic circumstances in our lives are. On no account should you tell your gf that she should come to terms with being somehow responsible. None of us are responsible for the existence of others.

I assume this is in response to my post. Just to clarify thats not what I said.

What I was saying was that if she cannot let go of the fact that the argument had an impact which it did then in order for her to get past that you would have to deal with that issue.

Re-iterating points like "its not your fault" "nothing you could have done" may well work in papering over the crack to a certain extent but that guilty feeling will never go away and if the OP wants to help her to throw this off altogether then she's going to have to deal with the issues that causes her grief and that means acknowledging the impact that the argument had and understanding that it didnt cause the suicide. But to convince her that she's not to blame you must meet her on her wavelength and acknowledge what she already knows.

Same as what you said in the end of our post in relation to talking about what she said in the argument and trying to get her to understand it was just a reactionary moment that doesnt make her responsible for her friends actions. You have to deal with the issue thats causing the grief and not ignore it or try to paper over it as so often done was my point.