i am so lonely.....please help!

wits_end

i am finding it really really hard to be positive and not feel sorry for myself...
here is my story...i am a south african guy who has been in ireland for a year and a half....it has to be honest been too hard for me....sometimes i think i am doing well, i go out alot, i have fun...but there is nothing else there behind it....i really have no friends.... i have people who i know i know guys to go out with and some others to have a coffee with....i am so acutely aware of my loneliness...it is too much...i started a new job and i am really hoping that i will connect with people there....this is my FIFTH job since i have been here..that instabililty in itself is KILLING...and that i am 10000 kilometres from home, barely cope with the weather, am single and live alone....pfff...i dont know...if something serious happens at some stage i have no one to turn to....

its just, i dont know how to describe it....i havent clicked with anyone, it just hasnt worked..naturaly reserved i have changed myself alot to be more outgoing but that doesnt help....i even had an irish friend but he lleft the country.....i feel so lonely....i feel it ringing all around me....its so difficult now coming up to christmas....when the homesickness becomes almost unbearable....

sometimes i think that the problem is me...some quirk of my personality...my nature.....i am so ****ing up and down its ridiculous...one minute loving ireland the next wanting to run for the hillls....


the thing is ALSO i lived in portugal for 2 years before i came here...that was doubly difficult with the language and culture.....i feel soul weary....i just need that emotional nourishment from solid caring friends...i feel very bitter with the world...

dellas1979

What part of the country are you in? i.e. are you in a city?
Also, do you have any interests or hobbies/team based sports that you like?

wits_end

sunflower27 wrote: »

Hey there

I hear what you are saying... I'm Australian and moved here many years ago not knowing anyone. It takes time to find real friends and moving jobs doesn't help.

I, too, went through periods like you describe, but I stuck with it and now have an amazing network of very close friends.

Don't give up... take up every invitation you can to meet people and know it will not always not be this way.

Seriously, take heart, it isn't easy to be the new kid on the block but time has a way of working things out.

Those lonely times, while desperate at the time, are a distant memory now and fair play to you for going it alone - that takes guts!!! It's only now that I realise it was the making of me.

i think obsessively about my whole life in south africa from childhood to leaving...replaying it like a stuck record...how do you cope with this?

wits_end

dellas1979 wrote: »

What part of the country are you in? i.e. are you in a city?
Also, do you have any interests or hobbies/team based sports that you like?

i am in dublin near the city centre....i play social tennis...but thats all older people really....again, nothing clicks...

flowerchild

It's very courageous to move countries. People like yourself who do so bring a lot to their new community. It can take time for anyone to lay down new roots. Be patient, both with yourself and others. Work out what you like doing, whether it is walking or watching films, or changing the sheets or having a coffee and do more of it. Work out what is vaguely dissatisfying and do less of it. Over time, the balance of your life will change and your wellbeing will increase and flourish.

I have a friend at Uni who is from South Africa. He is built like a Viking and when I first met him he seemed tough and remote. But as I got to know him I have learned and realised that he is soft and caring and a beautiful person. Give it time. Let people get to know the real you, and the friendships will come.

Best wishes.

dellas1979

wits_end wrote: »

i am in dublin near the city centre....i play social tennis...but thats all older people really....again, nothing clicks...

Oh I meant to ask, what do you mean by "old" - like what age group are you looking to meet??

Are there any other things you are interested in bar tennis? Is there anything you are prepare to take up - i.e. tag rugby (mainly a running sport) or something like this (plus the fact you are from a great rugby nation)? I see on the tagrugby website that they are looking for people to join a team in Dublin for the winter league (they just advertise that they are looking for people to join a team). Its a great way to meet people!

Firetrap

Potentially stupid question alert. If you're unhappy here, would it be possible for you to go back home to South Africa? Is there any reason in particular that you're here in Ireland? Would it be possible for you to do your job/study back home?

IsaMtq

Hi Witsend,

Your situation sounds awful and painful and I’m sorry you’re going through a really hard time. You seem to be doing everything you can think of to try and make connections and friends – you really should be proud of yourself for doing that cause it’s not easy and especially when there’s no results happening quickly. But it will happen, you just have to keep doing what you have been doing – and that’s trying different things and different avenues to meet friends or a group. You really need it cause you’re so far away from home and all your supports.

You need to keep trying more things, have you found any groups of travellers who are also in your position – they’ll all know what you’re going through – and they’ll need the same support you do. Meetup.ie does loads of meetup groups. Maybe even try dating websites – even if you’re not looking to meet anyone you can make friends and they’ll introduce you to their friends etc. Just keep going, it will come together.

CdeC

I know it's cliched but can you join a team or something like that. Loads of Rugby teams around looking for new players and it's a great way to meet new people and socialise.
Even if you are brand new to the game loads of teams want to train you up.

CdeC

Also check out dublinindoorsports.com. Really nice bunch.

BootcampIreland run excercise classes and organise trips, great way to meet new people, guys and girls.

LegacyUser

I am very sorry about your situation. I feel the same way as you and I am Irish I am from another part of Ireland and I moved to Dublin about 3 years ago. I have made a few friends but they are not close and not people you could tell how you feel to. I don't really have much of a supportive family or extended family so I have learned not need them in any way. There is a thing called meetup.com , they do a lot of different things that you might be interested in. It sounds very positive and there might be people in your situation there. you should try it. I havn't gathered the strenght to go yet but I do intend to go. It is hard for me because social things make me more lonely and I get depressed because people always end up talking about their families and that is normal but I think I don't have a family or didn't feel I had for years.I hate when I get asked and if I tell them the truth which they wouldn't understand anyways, they would ignore it or think it's me that has the problem. Many things in Ireland revolve around family that's why.

I think you should try to count your blessings even though life is lonely, that you have a family you miss , a job and a chance in another country to improve your life. I would recommend you to try meet up and join an evening course on something that interests you theres a good chance there might people in your situation there

I am different which makes it extra difficult because I don't do what is the norm here. For example being 28, I don't go out drinking, don't go to clubs, etc. I like volunteering and going to the church and when ever I tell people what I did at the weekend I am met with indifference because i am a christian they might be assuming I am weird. I find it's very hard in Ireland in general to make friends and socialise if you are (a) not Irish (b) different to the social norm for your age of drinking, etc(c) a different colour skin. It is hard to be yourself here as you naturally are if you are actually different whether your Irish or not.
If people don't want to know you and be in your company socially that is their problem. You should say to yourself 'Heres me and whos like me' and adopt that attitude and think positively, there are sincere people who want and need real friends like you.

theg81der

Iknowhowufeel wrote: »

I am different which makes it extra difficult because I don't do what is the norm here. For example being 28, I don't go out drinking, don't go to clubs, etc. I like volunteering and going to the church and when ever I tell people what I did at the weekend I am met with indifference because i am a christian they might be assuming I am weird. I find it's very hard in Ireland in general to make friends and socialise if you are (a) not Irish (b) different to the social norm for your age of drinking, etc(c) a different colour skin. It is hard to be yourself here as you naturally are if you are actually different whether your Irish or not.
If people don't want to know you and be in your company socially that is their problem. You should say to yourself 'Heres me and whos like me' and adopt that attitude and think positively, there are sincere people who want and need real friends like you.

So much of what you`ve said resonates with me. I`m your (b) and (c) above and have never fit in. I love having friends but find it so difficult to meet people who I have anything in common with and don`t think I`m a weirdo.

LegacyUser

looking at the above posts, i can relate to them completely. im a male 35 (single) and live alone. I dont do the hole pub/ club scene and i find unless you do it seems very hard to meet new people. I too get them weird looks on a monday morning when people asked what i did for the weekend. If the weather is good i like going for a walk or playing golf with
a small group of friends (who are much older than me). But some weekends i just sit in alone on the net or watching tv.
the few social / annual family events ie weddings all seem very forced, were everybody smiles and says its good to see you, before they get blind drunk.

anyway getting back to the ops question. Try get outdoors ie join hill walking club out in wicklow etc. its free and allthough i have not gone myself i believe they are very popular at the weekends, with all ages and nationallitys. Chance to meet new people everyweek.
I too have moved jobs several times in the last 10years and at times have found it hard to settle, so give things time.
I think everybody can feel lonely from time to time, even with a good circle of friends(which i dont have) and anybody who says they dont is lying.
Dont beat yourself up over this as things can change for better or worse overnight.
keep the faith.
j.

MIN2511

I can also relate to your post, I moved to Ireland over 10yrs ago at the age of 16...

I've made wonderful friends; some I met through Boards... Join meetup, go to boards beers; there was a Dublin beers last week in Rathmines - good craic. Nice people... You never know

Ellie2008

Firetrap wrote: »

Potentially stupid question alert. If you're unhappy here, would it be possible for you to go back home to South Africa? Is there any reason in particular that you're here in Ireland? Would it be possible for you to do your job/study back home?

I'm with Firetrap here, if you really haven't settled here would you not go home to your friends and family? I have no idea what the economy is like in S.Africa but surely if you are here for adventure and it isn't working out the practical thing to do would be to go home. One of my best friends moved to another country to do the same job for triple the money, she has periods where she feels very lonely but only short periods at a time, if it was all the time Id advise her to move home and take less money, no job is worth sacrificing your mental health for.

teaspach

Hey - don't fret.. Dublin is a great city, but like all cities you really have to put in the effort. As previous posters suggested, join meetup.com. There is a group there called 'New and Not So New', they organise regular events with loads of people. You will find loads of like minded people. Most of the people in that group are in the same boat as you, moved here from abroad and are finding it difficult to make friends. Make a list of all the things you are interested in, and then join whatever club/society/organisation matches your interests. If after doing all that, you are still unhappy, then it's time to up sticks and go somewhere else. You will have to find a city/country that is a good match for you. I have been in Dublin for 6 years, and it took me 2 years just to get settled in... so don't worry - lots of people are in the same situation.

good luck.