He's leaving me

mazda2

My husband of four years just told me last night that hes leaving me, we're been together for 11 years. We are under a lot of pressure and have been for the last few years. We have a 2 year old. Shortly afterwards, He lost his job and couldn;t stand being unemployed so became self employed. He works very long hours leaving the house at 5.30am and not returning til 7 most evenings. My work hours have been halved and we are putting every penny we earn into the mortgage. Many of his friends are emigrating and he wants to. He always says the only reason he's still in Ireland is me. I dont want to leave especially when our marriage is in such a fragile state.
The thing is we've been here before - its the stress and we sort things out saying we''ll look after ourselves more etc. Then a few months later we're back in the same place. I've had enough, while i'm very hurt and upset about the possibility of us breaking up deep down i'm wondering would it be for the best? We're tip toeing around each other, sleeping in seperate bedrooms and neither of us can seem to do anything right.
He needs a break but won't take one, hes aged so much in the last year.
Last night he said he'll stay til Christmas is over and then leave, I told him if he wants to leave he needs to leave now, as I cant continue like this.
Sorry for ranting, I care about my husband but i also need to start thinking of myself and my daughter,
Any advice?

Distorted

Why are you so against emigrating?

Would your husband have better prospects if he moved abroad?

mazda2

I suppose i'm a home bird. My husband works in construction so yes i suppose he would have better prospects. But we have two mortgages here both in negative equity, what would we do about them? And with our marriage so fragile I'd be leaving the safety net of my family and friends. I dont know if things would be any better if we left. I know work and money has us so stressed but honestly dont know if thats the cause of all our difficulities.

Sleepy

So the source of your problems are financial, your husbands only opportunities to earn a living are abroad and you're refusing to emigrate because you want to stay near mammy and daddy?

I'm sorry OP but I can see his case. If he's in construction things aren't going to turn good for him here for at *LEAST* a decade.

I am a friend

mazda2 wrote: »

I suppose i'm a home bird.

OP, I think you are being very previous here.... Im sure approx 90% of the people forced to emigrate over the last number of years are also homebird but your home is where your husband and kid are so if he has to work to live,then thats where your home is.

mazda2 wrote: »

My husband works in construction so yes i suppose he would have better prospects.

Well then....

mazda2 wrote: »

But we have two mortgages here both in negative equity, what would we do about them?

You rent them out and pay the deficit from abroad. Many people are doing it so its no excuse for staying herr,

mazda2 wrote: »

And with our marriage so fragile I'd be leaving the safety net of my family and friends. I dont know if things would be any better if we left.

Well you will have no marriage and your child will have no relationship with your husband if you stay put.

mazda2 wrote: »

I know work and money has us so stressed but honestly dont know if thats the cause of all our difficulities.

Well you need to talk to him again and make a go of your marriage.

LegacyUser

Contrary to opinions above, if you are pretty certain you will separate DO NOT under any circumstances agree to move country.

The law in Australia, for example, is such that if you split while living there (even if you have been there a very short period of time and are a citizen of another country) you will not be permitted to return home with your daughter unless your husband agrees. He will have the power to force you both to stay there if he wishes. Many other countries will also make it very difficult to bring your daughter home.

You would be utterly mad to leave if you are considering breaking up. You could be signing up to spending the next decade+ in a strange country tht you hate, with no job prospects yourself, no friends, no family.

You have a job, you have friends and family support here. I dont know why other posters are sneering at that like it's unimportant. If you are going to be a single parent, it's vital. Don't throw it away.

mazda2

Already have one rented and it doesn't even cover half the mortgage, if I did the same with our family home and rent another abroad - we'd be no better off.

At least here I have family support and they help with childcare, if we did emigrate childcare would cost more.

dixiefly

I think that people are being a bit presumptuous abot the OP here. She has not mentioned that he is appealing to her to go abroad. If it is best for him then he should be trying to persuade her to go and trying to come up with a plan for him to go first and get her and daughter come over when he has settled.

Was it him that wanted to take out the second mortgage? I am not sure how this would be dealt with but you will need to get practical advice as to how his emigration would effect your mortgages and also your credit ratings etc.

I think the others are probably right in that you should consider going with him for a fixed time and see how it works out- hopefully you can come to an arrangement with work. Considering your daughter's age it is not a bad time as you would not be taking her out of school.

tinkerbell

mazda2 wrote: »

Already have one rented and it doesn't even cover half the mortgage, if I did the same with our family home and rent another abroad - we'd be no better off.

At least here I have family support and they help with childcare, if we did emigrate childcare would cost more.

Well OP, the question is then - do you want to stay here because you have family support or do you want to emmigrate and make your marriage work? It sounds like you have given up completely on your marriage, otherwise you'd be trying to make things work.

Your own work hours have been halved so it doesn't sound like you're in a decent job yourself, your husband has no work. Your first priority is your spouse. If you want the marriage to work, make it work. Otherwise you've only yourself to blame for not at least trying ....

LegacyUser

He's told her he's leaving her. Is she supposed to beg him not to, follow him and his mates to Australia or wherever, only for him to turn around in 6 month's time and say, sorry, it's not working, we're splitting up - but you can't go home, you have to stay in this strange country until our daughter is 18?

Don't do it. Seriously, you have tried to work on your marriage at home, you both suspect it's over. It will not magically improve when you are in another country. You will be isolated from friends and family and have no job prospects.

I'll freely admit I do not understand the Irish mentality of the shame of divorce. If it's not working out there should be no shame in saying so and trying to move on so you can both be happy again.

irelandspurs

Reading this is exactly whats happening at home with myself and the wife,mazda are you my wife,lol

Taltos

irelandspurs - please keep your posts on topic with civil and construtive advice to the OP. Please review our charter if you are unclear.

Responses that attempt to pull a thread off topic can result in warnings/infractions/bans. Similarly if by some stretch of coincidence the OP were your OH this forum is not the place for you both to talk about your marital difficulties.

Taltos

irelandspurs

Taltos wrote: »

irelandspurs - please keep your posts on topic with civil and construtive advice to the OP. Please review our charter if you are unclear.

Responses that attempt to pull a thread off topic can result in warnings/infractions/bans. Similarly if by some stretch of coincidence the OP were your OH this forum is not the place for you both to talk about your marital difficulties.

Taltos

It is on topic as i'm in a similar situation and the wife bit was to lighten the mood.

Firetrap

There's no easy answer to this. In normal circumstances, the most logical thing would be for you to go abroad with your husband and keep the family unit together. Not everyone who has emigrated wants to do so. I'm sure plenty of those who have are homebirds too and would come home in a heartbeat.

The thing though is that your marriage sounds like it's fragile at the best of times. If your husband was working here and wasn't talking about emigrating, do you think you'd break up anyway?

Ickle Magoo

irelandspurs wrote: »

It is on topic as i'm in a similar situation and the wife bit was to lighten the mood.

If you have no constructive advice to offer the OP, kindly refrain from posting. Be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posts can earn you infractions/bans from this forum.

As per site protocol, if you have an issue with any moderator request, please take it to PM rather than dragging someone else's request for advice thread further off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

blue skye

I would say split! (If that's what you both feel is right for you) I was in a loveless marriage for many year's and it drove me into the ground!!!! I am now over a year into being seperated & feeling so much better about myself!

Yes there will be issue's about your financial situation but hey nothing will come close to you ALL feeling human again!

Think of your child as well - My kid's lived in a house with us avoiding one another for about 3 or 4 year's & I'd say it broke there heart's!

Everyone is so much happier now - so I think if it's not working then you have to do what's best for you all! Best of luck x

I know it's a massive step to take but you will be fine - really!

IrishEyes19

I dont agree with most here. You have every right to stay here just as much as he has every right to move away.

And I would not wait till christmas for him to leave. you may think its the best thing to do for your daughter, but Im sure she is aware of the change in your relationship and how miserable will christmas be for both of you sitting at that table waiting for the inevitable to happen. cut your losses now and try to grieve now.

secondly, its a once sided view for people to chastise you for not wanting to leave. He cant blame you for his misfortunes or the economy, I wouldnt want to leave either, but trust me, your relationship would hardly be perfect even if you did leave abroad. people have gone through worse and survived very much in love. dont blame yourself and try to grieve now rather than after xmas. best of luck