Am I being ridiculous? Do all men behave this way?

LegacyUser

Hi all, could do with a bit of advice, possibly just a kick in the butt to tell me to get the hell over it, that this is completely normal and I'm being unreasonable.

I had a row with my boyfriend last night because, while we were out with a bunch of his friends (we'd had a few beers, but not madly drunk), one of them started joking about how when I'm not around my boyfriend is really lech-y (sp?) about other women, particularly commenting on their tits. It was all said in a jokey way but I could tell it was one of those things based on truth. On the way home later I told him I was upset by this, that it made me feel insecure and disrespected to know he would talk that way when I'm not around. It makes me feel insecure, knowing that he looks at other women (and is so open in discussing them with his mates). He freaked the head at me saying that I clearly know nothing about men, that this is completely normal and I'm being a psycho-bitch for being bothered by it.

Now, the morning after, I'm still completely torn. I still feel kinda hurt - but ARE all men this way? Am I really that naive? I know this sounds such a juvenile thing, but I'm actually 31 and thought I had a pretty good sense of what men can be like. I know some can be lecherous pigs and not respectful of women (incl. their girlfriends) at all, but I thought some actually weren't and wouldn't be that way, and I really thought my bf was in the latter category.

Am I being ridiculous though? I know my bf loves me, and I don't think he'd cheat on me, but this has just made me wobble and question my judgment a little. Thanks for any advice or kicks in the butt necessary.

Sleepy

There's very few things that you can say "ALL" men do... even the things you can be sure 99.99999% of men do (like pee standing up for instance!).

Admiring women and commenting on their figures to the other guys when out in the pub with the lads is something I think the majority of guys do (from my experience). As long as it's not done in a "phwoar, show us your tits love!" way and the girl being admired is left clueless I don't really see any harm in it to be honest.

Being a Letch to my understanding of the word would mean pawing at these women, pinching their behinds etc. and, again from my experience, is something only a tiny minority of arseholes do.

I am a friend

Of course they are not ALL like that but the issue here, as I see it, is that he has so little respect for you that he calls you a bitch?!?!?

Jerri Jordan

Ok first off I think it is normal for men to look at women, and for women to look at men, whether they are in relationships or not. But making comments about their breasts would be something I would imagine a young guy doing or a teen.
I have male friends and have heard their comments on nights out away from their girlfriends, its normally tongue in cheek stuff and we would all laugh. they arnt serious.
If your boyfriend is actually going up leering at breasts and flirting thats where the problem arises. And it doesnt sound like he is doing that.
I would say whoever made that comment to you is the one in the wrong here. Anyone with half a brain would know a comment like that would cause problems. Dont let other people sabotage a happy home! Dont loose your confidence over a trivial issue. He is with you. And you say you trust him so dont worry.
If he called you a bitch then that is disrespectful and you should say that he owes you an apology.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies, guys. I guess these are probably the answers I expected to receive; my naive romantic ego is just a little bashed. I used to have a lot of jealousy issues - my last bf cheated on me, despite having spun me a merry little web of romanticism around our relationship. My (current) boyfriend isn't like that, he doesn't do phoney romanticism, and I've always really trusted him. But I guess for this reason, I've expected that I've known absolutely everything about him, and maybe that's never really possible. I think this is probably what's bothering me most, the feeling of discovering something I didn't know before and it making me worry.

For the record, it was my use of the word 'psycho-bitch' and not his, I don't think he actually used the word bitch last night (though there was a lot of cursing) - he really did get very angry, but on retrospect I think he was more drunk than I was; not that that's an excuse, but I'm thinking now in the cold light of day maybe we just need to have a chat and clear the air.

Any further advice would be great, but this already has been super. boardsies for the relationship help, dunno where I'd be without you

LegacyUser

anonymous sad one wrote: »

On the way home later I told him I was upset by this, that it made me feel insecure and disrespected to know he would talk that way when I'm not around. It makes me feel insecure, knowing that he looks at other women (and is so open in discussing them with his mates). He freaked the head at me saying that I clearly know nothing about men, that this is completely normal and I'm being a psycho-bitch for being bothered by it.

You have every right to tell him what's on your mind. He has absolutely no right to get angry with you for speaking your mind. You did everything right-you didn't make a scene in front of his friends, and you waited until you were alone until you brought the topic up.

Your tone in this thread is really apologetic which doesn't bode well OP. You do realise you had every right to say it to him don't you? You do realise that his reaction was totally over the top? Because if not, you'll end up apologising for your feelings over and over which is not a good position to be in when you're in a relationship.

Tell him tonight that you've accepted what he said about looking at other women, but tell him that his anger with you was totally unacceptable and you prefer if he didn't speak like that to you again. Don't let him walk all over you because what'll happen is you'll end up being afraid of bringing anything up!

fungun

People are all different depending on who they are with. A mixed group, a group of girls, a group of boys all have different dynamics. I think its fair to say that in most 'all lads' groups there is a fair bit of eyeing up and commenting amongst themselves, but IME rarely goes further.

Just because he is a bit more like that with 'the lads' doesnt mean he is not the same man you know and love though. A lads group usually brings that out a bit in guys, but thats not usually the 'real' guy.

Mighty_Mouse

You're living in a fantasy reality in terms of your expecation of men/humans.
The expectation that your bf will not recognise other women is almost childlike in it's innocence.
Its a man's nature to notice every female in sight. Every man does it, every man knows other men do it. Acknowledging this can be anything from a look to a greasy lechy comment. Depends on the guy.

holyhead

I agree that men notice women its what makes the world go round. However out of respect for you he should have kept his mouth shut. Every man thinks about women in general but as long as he doesn't say or do then I think he stays on the safe side of respecting you.

LegacyUser

Just to say thanks again to you all; I wrote my bf a mail saying pretty much everything here (that I realise I probably shouldn't get upset at the thought that lads will be lads, but that he shouldn't have gotten angry at me for just saying I was bothered) and he replied saying he agreed completely and was sorry, and that his mate who was cracking the jokes was out of line. All well again and made up now. Big thanks for the advice; it's great to be able to ask for impartial advice on little rows - think it makes us stronger afterwards to know other people's opinions.