long term gfriend wants a break

avalanche

hi,my girlfriend of 8 years wants a break, things werent going well this year to be honest and she wants some time to think about things, our lease on this house is up in january so we will live together until then, she says its not the end but that she is young and wants to enjoy life and think about things, im pretty confused by all of this. is she breaking up or not? i dont really want to just be a mug on the sidelines.. does she want me to stop her breaking up? or should i give her space?

to be honest i was having my doubts about things as well but on the otherside i really love her and imagined wed be together forever. i think she freaked out about her age 30 and the whole kids marriage thing...


any advice??

maxwell smart

From someone who knows how not to do it right.

Give her space. You can't make her love you. And giving her that space shows you respect her needs.

Good Luck

LegacyUser

I really dont want to be harsh but a break and the saying "im young and want to enjoy myself" generally means I want to sleep with other people.

avalanche

she has said strongly that she isnt thinking along those lines and that we can still see each other , just that she is very confused and needs to think about what she wants in life. i know i have let her down over the past year or so, ive become more withdrawn and generally havent made much of an effort. in short i havent helped sell myself very well. i too though have been having my doubts and with this new development im wondering if its for the best? but then i think of the person i met and the great times and it really hurts. i feel like i just took my eye off the ball and now the realisation hurts but maybe its too late..

Miss Fluff

Eight years is a long time so of course a break up is going to hurt you both enormously. Most likely she is probably softening the blow for both herself and you (while also hedging her bets) by calling it a break. It's a lot less brutal and final than saying it's over isn't it?

Personally I don't think labelling it as a "break" is a great idea insofar as without clearly defined parameters, your definition of a break and her definition of a break may be totally at odds with one another. What if she kisses someone else while on this break? Or sleeps with them? What if you do? Or fall hopelessly in love with some girl while this other girl is waiting in the wings? It's a bloody minefield.

This whole "break" business is quite frankly pants and one of you is going to end up getting burned tbh - if you both in your hearts feel you are flogging a dead horse then I'd be inclined to pull the plug, as painful as that is....

Sleepy

Dump her and get over her as soon as possible.

A break? That means she doesn't think you're the best she can do and wants the freedom to find out if there's better out there but expects you to put your life on hold while she finds out. Have some respect for yourself and tell her you're not going to be her stand-by.

foxyboxer

She doesn't really have the confidence to make a clean break and has landed you with a half-cooked attempt at breaking up. She could be attempting to seek your opinion on the matter as in to see if you think it's a good idea yourself as a means of validation. I would take the option along the lines of "I want a permanent break up, this isn't a soap opera". It's horrible when people toy with their partners affections like that.

den87

Been through this before, "enjoy life and think about things" means she wants to be with other people. Best thing to do is break up with her because with "a break", you'll always have a hope you'll get back together.

Sorry bud.

LegacyUser

I agree with the previous replies to some extent, but I am the person who just tried to take a "break" from her long term relationship and I think a lot of it had to do with turning 31. The difference is perhaps in the circumstances - since she has said she's young and wants to have fun maybe that indicates something else, but for me I still love my ex very much and sleeping with someone else was the furthest thing from my mind. I genuinely needed time to think about what I wanted out of life and I needed space, but not to meet someone else. For me it was practical issues such as where our lives were going and his unwillingness to acknowledge that we were together ages, getting older, and his lifestyle didn't lend itself to settling down (too much smoking, drinking etc). I was frustrated by a relationship that didn't seem to be going forward. When I suggested a break he refused and said it must be final because he's no mug, so it is. But I just needed space to think, not to hop into bed with someone else. I didn't expect him to wait around on the sidelines, I thought that he could also benefit from some times to think about what HE wanted. I thought the threat might make him pull his socks up a bit. But now its over and we haven't spoken to eachother in nearly a month even though I still love him.

avalanche

unregistered wrote: »

I agree with the previous replies to some extent, but I am the person who just tried to take a "break" from her long term relationship and I think a lot of it had to do with turning 31. The difference is perhaps in the circumstances - since she has said she's young and wants to have fun maybe that indicates something else, but for me I still love my ex very much and sleeping with someone else was the furthest thing from my mind. I genuinely needed time to think about what I wanted out of life and I needed space, but not to meet someone else. For me it was practical issues such as where our lives were going and his unwillingness to acknowledge that we were together ages, getting older, and his lifestyle didn't lend itself to settling down (too much smoking, drinking etc). I was frustrated by a relationship that didn't seem to be going forward. When I suggested a break he refused and said it must be final because he's no mug, so it is. But I just needed space to think, not to hop into bed with someone else. I didn't expect him to wait around on the sidelines, I thought that he could also benefit from some times to think about what HE wanted. I thought the threat might make him pull his socks up a bit. But now its over and we haven't spoken to eachother in nearly a month even though I still love him.

it might sound like wishful thinking but i truly believe that this is more along the lines she is thinking. i actually asked here if she was doing it to see other people and she got very angry stating that was the last thing in her mind and again said we werent finished, that we could be back together after a few months but that we needed time apart. to be honest i do think she is trying to get me to get my act together as we were just kind of rolling along. to be honest now im not really sure what i want. part of me is curious about being single again and i wouldnt mind the freedom but the other side is happy to be in a relationship although to be honest we had been struggling. i must say since this happened we have been getting on better and the intimacy has improved as well although that might be a dangerous game..

avalanche

also forgot to mention im in a bit of a difficult situation because we need to live together for the next two months, i literally have nowhere i can go,,, so by the looks of things we are just going to continue as we are now with a plan to splitting up in the future. weird.

Sleepy

DANGER! Will Robinson.. DANGER!

She's telling you she needs you to change for there to be a future for your relationship. Women getting upset that marriage hasn't changed their husbands seems to be the no. 2 reason for divorce (behind infidelity) that I see for divorce.

Get out of that relationship.

avalanche

Sleepy wrote: »

DANGER! Will Robinson.. DANGER!

She's telling you she needs you to change for there to be a future for your relationship. Women getting upset that marriage hasn't changed their husbands seems to be the no. 2 reason for divorce (behind infidelity) that I see for divorce.

Get out of that relationship.

yes but maybe i should change.. i have become pretty useless lately.i would say i have changed in last few years rather than it being a case of her wanting to change the original me if that makes sense? i cant really blame her to be honest. but i have to take all of your opinions into account and so far they are all telling me one thing..

Moomoo1

OP, what exactly have you become that you think is so useless?

You keep repeating this, without saying anything tangible

avalanche

Moomoo1 wrote: »

OP, what exactly have you become that you think is so useless?

You keep repeating this, without saying anything tangible

useless as in dont make much effort in general, i havent arranged a night out,dinner holiday etc, in ages. she usually ends up having to do this and really i have just become lazier and a bit withdrawn in general due to other issues..