Should I stay to help out financially/give another go?

LegacyUser

Hi

I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 5 years and living together for nearly 4. We had the break up chat around a month ago but because we were living together and really busy with work - I didn't move out straight away. During that time we ended up slipping back into a kind of "relationship" again for a couple of weeks until I sat down and said, no, I definitely need to move on with my life and move out. The conversation was obviously longer than that, but just summarizing!

My reasons for breaking up was that I felt we had naturally grown apart and I was no longer attracted to him. I had felt this way for around a year or so but suppose I ignored the feelings as something that just naturally happens and hoped it might just come back again. We get on really well so suppose it was still easy/enjoyable to be with him. When I found myself really attracted to someone else, it made me realise that I needed that attraction in my relationship and also, worried that I may cheat so needed to end it before it got to that stage.

Last week, I ended up sleeping with the guy I felt really attracted to, even though we were broken up and clear about it at this stage - I was still living in his house so feel it was morally wrong that I had done it. Also, it wasn't great so thought perhaps that closeness to someone is a lot better than attraction to someone. I've been looking at places this week to move into and he has said that he'd be happy for me to stay as long as possible to help out with bills and rent (he owns bought the apartment we're living in so has a mortgage.)

His situation is a little sticky at the moment as he's gone back to study so has no fixed income. He has plenty of savings to cover the mortgage but it would be tough. He has helped me out an awful lot in the past and has said that he feels a little like I'm giving up on the relationship when it's my turn to be the "strong" one and help out financially. He also has said that he feels we didn't really give the relationship a good go and that I'll more than likely regret the break up down the line.

Suppose my issue at the moment is;

1. I feel that possibly maybe I am making a massive mistake and will regret it. I have been known to make some impulsive decisions, not that I think this is one as I have sat on it for quite awhile! But maybe I'm just feeling like the grass is greener and I actually have a great relationship here that I won't find elsewhere so should just work on it.

2. I should stay to help him out financially, it would be the right thing to do. I really don't want another relationship at the moment so it would just be a living arrangement. However just as I'm writing this, I can see all the problems that would arise from that situation!

I think I already know the answer, but I'm just not sure if I'm actually being selfish for feeling like I'm leaving him in the lurch?

Miss Fluff

dhgsgergegre wrote: »

When I found myself really attracted to someone else, it made me realise that I needed that attraction in my relationship and also, worried that I may cheat so needed to end it before it got to that stage.

Last week, I ended up sleeping with the guy I felt really attracted to, even though we were broken up and clear about it at this stage - I was still living in his house so feel it was morally wrong that I had done it. Also, it wasn't great so thought perhaps that closeness to someone is a lot better than attraction to someone

I think your comfort blanket has been snatched away from you because of how this liaison turned out. This in turn is making you reassess everything and make you question if you are doing the right thing which in turn again is making you come up with reasonable excuses to stay put.

While you were brave enough to put an end to the relationship you probably had the perceived security of it all going fabulously well with this other guy. When it didn't it made you see the break up in full technicolour and without the distraction/cushion of having this new boy and all that excitement to make you feel better about everything.

The fundamental reasons why you broke up with your partner still remain. Don't start complicating the issue by staying on as a tenant or under any guise - it would be such a bad idea.

Follow through on this. I've been in your shoes after an LTR of many years and you have to make a clean break of it. It took balls to actually instigate the break up but you have to see it through to it's natural conclusion rather than trying to back-track and soften the blow, you'll only prolong the pain otherwise and ultimately end up hating one another.

Hope it all works out for you.

floorpie

When I found myself really attracted to someone else, it made me realise that I needed that attraction in my relationship

This is all you need to remember, i suppose.

I should stay to help him out financially, it would be the right thing to do.

It'd be a 'wrong thing' to string the guy along.

Firetrap

I think you need to stay going. The reasons why you wanted to break up haven't magically disappeared and you're just feeling some wobbles in the aftermath of what has happened.

You're not being fair on yourself or your boyfriend by staying around. You really need to get yourself somewhere new to stay and to make a clean break. Don't let him guilt you into staying or helping with the mortgage. It's just going to prolong the inevitable and perhaps cause acrimony between the two of you.

Beetlebum

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I think your comfort blanket has been snatched away from you because of how this liaison turned out. This in turn is making you reassess everything and make you question if you are doing the right thing which in turn again is making you come up with reasonable excuses to stay put.

While you were brave enough to put an end to the relationship you probably had the perceived security of it all going fabulously well with this other guy. When it didn't it made you see the break up in full technicolour and without the distraction/cushion of having this new boy and all that excitement to make you feel better about everything.

The fundamental reasons why you broke up with your partner still remain. Don't start complicating the issue by staying on as a tenant or under any guise - it would be such a bad idea.


Follow through on this. I've been in your shoes after an LTR of many years and you have to make a clean break of it. It took balls to actually instigate the break up but you have to see it through to it's natural conclusion rather than trying to back-track and soften the blow, you'll only prolong the pain otherwise and ultimately end up hating one another.

Hope it all works out for you.

Damn you're good Miss Fluff!!!

Op - follow this advice and you'll be on the right track.

Best of luck, I know it can't be easy for either of you. It's highly confusing and emotional but try to remain logical and listen to your gut.