A male's perspective needed!!

LegacyUser

Hi Folks,

Im a regular visitor on here but this time I'm needing a little bit of advice myself. Its another realtinship conundrum. I've been going out with a guy for the last 6 months, he's perfect in every which way and we love each other very much and spend loads of time together.
We both came out of bad relationships last year,him more so than me as he was engaged and his ex cheated on him and but I thought we were beyond all that now and looking forward to the future ahead.
Things took a dramatic turn almost 3 weeks ago and he told me he needed a little space as his head was all over the place. I agreed and he said he would come to see me and explain things, but he never came. He has since texted me and rang me loads telling me he loves me and misses me and just had alot on his mind. I've asked him several times to come see me and talk it out but its like he can't face into it.
At the weekend past he rang me loads and everything seemed to be getting back to his old self. Again he said he loved me and missed me so much and that everything was going to be ok and that he'd be down to see me on Sunday evening as soon as I got back. I got a text that evening to say he was held up and he'd ring me shortly.
He never rang. he never texted. I havent heard from him since.
I've rang and left messages but I don't want to badger him so I texted him last night to say I'll not be in contact again and that I'll leave it to him.

I'm so unbelievably upset about it all. I don't know what way to turn or what to do for the best. His dad has rang me and told me that he's moping about the house and has been crying but doesnt want to talk about anything. I know he's had a tough time in the past but is it the bad experience before leading him to act like this. it's like a switch keeps going of in his head every couple of days and he's all for us one moment and then nothing for a couple of days.

Any advice or thoughts would be so appreciated. I love this guy so much, this is completely heart breaking for me.

Thanks all!

LegacyUser

he was engaged and his ex cheated on him

The facts you have are;
She cheated causing the relationship to end. Therefore you know that if that had not happened they would still be together. That tells you that he was in love with her. Maybe even is still in love with her. It tells you that their relationship ending was not what he would have chosen. That is a bad start.

Then you look at his current behaviour. He is saying one thing but doing another. This indicates to me that he is still hung up on his ex and does not feel about you the way you feel about him.

Always look at a persons actions, not their words. I'm sorry OP.

He's still hurting about his ex. I'm afraid I think you are a rebound.

Miss Fluff

LauraKay wrote: »

Things took a dramatic turn almost 3 weeks ago and he told me he needed a little space as his head was all over the place.

It it was that dramatic I can't help but suspect he may have had a liaison with this woman or something suddenly happened for him to avoid you like this/spend his time crying. Guilty conscience maybe?

Like factoids1000 above, I have always been a proponent of judging someone by their actions rather words. I'm afraid his words ring a little hollow when he still can't even man up to seeing you face to face.

If I were in your shoes I'd be 100% cutting my losses. His heart evidently is not in it (regardless of what he is saying) and rather than continue along this deeply upsetting and self-destructive road I'd be packing up my little belongings, dust myself off and put an end to it. He's stringing you along and doesn't have the balls to end it - shame on him.

I'm sure that is not what you want to hear but you will feel marginally better if you take control rather than hang around waiting for him to dump you hon.

I am a friend

Two things are pretty obvious here;

1- he has no manners
2- he has no spine

Op you don't need to know any more than that. Don't bother trying to find out why hd didn't show, just know that he didn't and that that's a reflection on him, not you!!

You have had a lucky escape.

Bodhidharma

If you haven't seen him in three weeks or not had contact with him for three days, then I think you did the right thing by putting the ball in his court.

He does sound very confused, but I wouldn't rush to say he cheated or anything. If he did you're better off without him, if he didn't and is still not contacting you, the same goes for that.

As a male, I would find it hard to find a reason not to contact someone in that time unless he was no longer interested and didn't want a confrontation. A text talks literally seconds to send, so no contact is pretty damning.

My advice is move on as if its over, if he contacts you and explains what happened, then decide what you want.

Good luck

baggypants

hello OP sounds like he wants out and has not got the bottle to tell you, to not see you for three weeks and no contact for three days that speaks volumes right there
if i was telling someone i loved them and missed them etc etc it would want to be world war three or Ireland dropping under the ocean to stop me seeing them
i would echo the posters above dust your self off and move on you cant be left hanging for three days let alone three weeks

Android 666

I am a friend wrote: »

Two things are pretty obvious here;

1- he has no manners
2- he has no spine

Op you don't need to know any more than that. Don't bother trying to find out why hd didn't show, just know that he didn't and that that's a reflection on him, not you!!

You have had a lucky escape.

From reading the original post, the impression I actually get of the fella is that maybe he might be suffering from depression or something similar. It sounds a bit weird his dad talking to her on the phone about the state he's in. While I can't really see any way in which their relationship can continue, to me it seems the chap has issues that go beyond having no spine or no manners. OP, are his parents worried about him and do you think you'd be willing to offer them help as a friend?

sillyruby

i agree really sounds like reality is only hitting him now and is struggling with depression by the sounds. An event or meeting seems to have triggered this. Regardless he owes you an explanation asap- if you don't get one i'd say goodbye and good luck its not fair on you otherwise. To be honest it sounds like he needs to sort himself out.

LegacyUser

sillyruby wrote: »

i agree really sounds like reality is only hitting him now and is struggling with depression by the sounds. An event or meeting seems to have triggered this. Regardless he owes you an explanation asap- if you don't get one i'd say goodbye and good luck its not fair on you otherwise. To be honest it sounds like he needs to sort himself out.

Thanks sillyruby, i agree, as much as it pains me to say. Some kind of explanation would of been nice though, We've talked about what happened to him a few times and I completely understand what he went through but for him to just completely cut me of and drop me like that is so hurtful. Maybe his mind isn't in the right place and thats fine, I'll walk away but I thought the least I deserved was him coming to to tell me that and not leave me hanging like I am now. I think I'm going to gather up his things tonight and drop them to his place tomorrow when he's away at work, I'll disappear for now as I can't carry on like this. I really feel for him and wish I could help him but I cant do anything more than I have. He knows where i am I've told him I'll be there if he needs me.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Two things are pretty obvious here;

1- he has no manners
2- he has no spine

Op you don't need to know any more than that. Don't bother trying to find out why hd didn't show, just know that he didn't and that that's a reflection on him, not you!!

You have had a lucky escape.

Thanks I am a friend, As I said I really hoped he that he would of come and talked to me. Whatever has happened I don't think I deserved to be left hanging like this. After the last 6 months when we've had so much fun and spent so much time together he just decided to cut me of. As I said I am very hurt by his actions, 5 or 10 mins of his time to just come and face me isn't asking too much but I'm just going to leave him to it now. Nothing more I can do.

LegacyUser

So today Ive found out why all this happened. Through one of my friends I have found out that he is now in a relationship with someone else, 4 weeks after he wanted a little space.

This went up on his facebook last week, one day before he had rang me and told me he missed me and was coming down to see me the following day. Again, it never happened but now I know why. I've spent the last month in bits over this, giving him his time and him ringing and texting saying everything will be ok. I had put my trust in him and this is what happens.

So I've been played,..and he's made the biggest fool out of me...

holyhead

OP very sorry to hear that. This guy is obviously not of highest quality and either way you deserve to be treated better than this. He will do to others what he did to you. SO ITS NOT YOU ITS HIM. Dust yourself down and strive to move forward, taking one day at a time!

Bodhidharma

LauraKay wrote: »

So I've been played,..and he's made the biggest fool out of me...

You might think feel like that now, but in the upcoming weeks and months you'll be relieved that you didn't spend any more of your time with him.

Onwards and upwards. What he did doesn't reflect on you. Perhaps there's some deep psychological need that drove him to act that way, on the other hand he could be just an a*****e. There are a hell of a lot of them around.

Dont be sorry, be relieved and optimistic about the future.

Firetrap

Sorry to read this but at least you know now. What happened says much more about him than about you. It might not feel like it now but you did nothing wrong. You were the one being nice. He, on the other hand, didn't have the decency to come clean about what had happened and treated you badly. I bet his new woman doesn't realise what a catch he is..

I am a friend

Sorry to hear that op.. As others have said - better now than later... What was his dad doing getting involved ffs??

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Sorry to hear that op.. As others have said - better now than later... What was his dad doing getting involved ffs??

Hi I am a friend, I think his Dad was just genuinely hoping things would work out for us and was kind of looking out for me and maybe keeping me in the picture. He's a lovely man and was very good to me in the time we were together.
Yes better of now I suppose, it's just hard knowing that someone who you thought you knew so well and trusted decided to treat me like that. It doesnt do much for the ole confidence.
I havent tackled him on it, didnt ring him or text him even though I really feel like giving him a piece of my mind. But I don't want any more upset, I've had about enough.

LegacyUser

Bodhidharma wrote: »

You might think feel like that now, but in the upcoming weeks and months you'll be relieved that you didn't spend any more of your time with him.

Onwards and upwards. What he did doesn't reflect on you. Perhaps there's some deep psychological need that drove him to act that way, on the other hand he could be just an a*****e. There are a hell of a lot of them around.

Dont be sorry, be relieved and optimistic about the future.

Thanks Bodhidharma, I think my pride has just been slightly dented. Mutual friends knew this was going on but no one seemed to have thought to have let me know. I know it wasn't their place to say anything but they were my friends to. Having to find out from Facebook was the ultimate slap in the face.

As you say onwards and upwards, and erase all this from my memory If possible.
Personally I did think that he was just going through a hard time but now I'm thinking otherwise. He knew what he was doing was wrong, how could you not? I don't know what he was thinking in his head what way it was going to pan out for him.
I'm done now. Wish I'd never laid eyes on him.

Firetrap

I am a friend wrote: »

Sorry to hear that op.. As others have said - better now than later... What was his dad doing getting involved ffs??

At a guess, the dad rang the OP off his own bat because he was worried about his son. It's very likely dad was in the dark about what was going on too..

Jenneke87

LauraKay wrote: »

So I've been played,..and he's made the biggest fool out of me...

No darling, he made a fool of himself with his childish and secretive behaviour. He couldn't even man up and say he wanted to break up, he had to do it behind your back. Congratulate yourself you're no longer with this spineless coward.

LegacyUser

Firetrap wrote: »

At a guess, the dad rang the OP off his own bat because he was worried about his son. It's very likely dad was in the dark about what was going on too..

Yes, my ex knew nothing about the phone call, his parents knew nothing about what he was doing. I think he has lied to them just as much as me. The more i think about this the madder I get. He had zero respect for anyone.
Not my problem anymore.
Time to draw a line under and put it down as a learning curve. You'd think at 26 i'd be able to spot a bad 'un!!

floorpie

If mutual friends knew, he's going to come out of all this looking extremely bad to *everyone*, so you're not the 'fool' in the least. He's obviously got a lot of issues, which it sounds like he'll be working on for some time to come, it's just a pity you'd been dragged into them temporarily.