Confused I is...

LegacyUser

A long one, but which ones are not…

We broke up, going on 4 months now. It was very much a mutual thing at the time. I was uncertain of whether I was coming or going, mainly I feel due to some of her insecurities, some question posed were, why didn’t you go out with some other girls, were you checking out waitresses, are you lying to me, asking if I pick up girls for weddings, insinuating that she would be dumped after the last wedding. She was invited to a family party, though she would not come, convinced herself that I didn’t want her there. I feel that she was trying to catch me out, for some unknown reason, that her questions, or whatever may have pushed me further and further away.

I was accused of lying twice, for the second time in quick succession, in February, I feel really broke it for me. I spent the next 5\6 months wondering not knowing what was happening in the relationship, feeling distant. I really did not understand my feelings, trying to get back to before, when things were different.

We met two weeks, after we broke up, at my request, I was at a wedding the previous weekend, and still very emotional about the whole thing. We met and it went horribly wrong, ending with her walking out, a complete car crash in slow motion. I said that I wanted her back, and that I had dropped the ball, and numerous things within the relationship, we agreed to get back together. I was telling her a story from the wedding and I just couldn't finish my words, all that came out was “sorry, it’s just not the same, not the same”, she walked out, and I have not seen her since. That was three months ago, I had never felt anything like that in my life.

We exchanged e-mails a week or so later, agreeing that the breakup was right and that we move on.

A while after the final meet up, I realised that I had been blaming myself for everything that had happened to us. I may not have been as perceptive about her feelings, and not as understanding, as I should have been, should have been more “you look great today”, or reassure her about us. Though I still feel that on one hand we were moving forward, and the other hand pulling us back. I.e. agreeing for the parents to meet later in the year, and yet she would say that she didn’t want to get her feet under the table too soon as some of my family\friends had added her on FB, getting in there too soon so to say. Somewhat undermining the relationship, a self fulfilling prophecy, bringing all the fears to the surface and almost playing them out in real life.

Since then I have had virtually no contact, tried to call once, and two texts, with one response, five days later at 3:30 in the morning, saying “You treated me very badly. I know I deserve better than that, and that’s why I have moved on”. I know that I did not treat her badly, and I certainly know that I did not lie to her.

In the last three to four months, I have probably thought of her every day, virtually everything I do reminds me of her. Whatever belongings were in the house, SVP got a donation, everything is gone, yet I still cannot get her out of my mind. If I hear her name, or similar one, my heart skips a beat, or whatever. I have changed habits, less drinking, fitness, etc.

She had the most beautiful smile, wonderful personality, great looking, intelligent, similar interests, we were great together, the first two months of the relationship were so fantastic, and I feel that I may have fallen very very hard for her, and yet not realised it until we broke up, so late down the line. I sometimes think that she was the one I was looking for, we had a lot in common, there was an age gap, and neither I nor she had any issues with that. Though when I look back, the first two\three months were so great, the following 5\6 months, I feel were tainted by some of the issues from above, I was possibly numb from it all. I have deleted, numbers, e-mails, no longer friends on FB, twitter the lot, though considering I still remember numbers and e-mails from 10 years ago, its hard for me to forget little details, one of those minds that has everything engraved into it.

I am not absolving myself from anything above, I’m a guy!! At times find it hard to express my feelings, let alone understand them, and sometimes I just go with the flow, sometimes lazy. I was single for 4\5 years before I met her, and completely fell head over heels to begin with. I prefer a quiet existence to a socially active one, probably just a normal bloke me thinks, no different to the rest. Though some of the things that happened between us, I am still at a loss to understand and explain.

I would like to make contact, talk, meet, though after the last meeting I have a terrible fear of the same thing happening again, and I cannot do that to her, or myself. She didn’t answer my earlier calls. I am torn not knowing what to do, I feel that we had something, though not sure where it all went, and I keep going back in my head to the first few weeks, months, they were great. Though I cannot continually go back and forth, it’s not fair to me, nor her should I continually try to contact her.

I am the last man standing in our group of friends, and I get thinking when I hear about others, moving on with relationships, marriage, kids and all that goes with it. And I think of my ex, though it was only a short relationship, 9 months, but I still cannot help but think of her, and what could have been, my family loved her. We met in early November 10.

I have been out the weekends, chatted to girls, got a few numbers, led to nothing, and thought of nothing other than her. We live in different towns, and bumping into her, would be very unlikely, though if I saw her, I would not know what to do, panic probably. Someone said that they may have seen her in my local one night, unlikely as it was, I still jumped a little.

I admit that I had a lot on my plate this year, I had huge work commitments, 10\12 hour days, in at the weekends, went on for weeks for weeks, I injured myself, play sport a fair bit, stags, weddings and all, and I possibly went for weeks, without considering her feelings in the relationship, sure I hadn’t even taken care of myself, and ran myself into the ground, not sleeping, bad diet the lot, over stretched at the best of times.

I think I’m probing very much, looking for answers, friends say not to go back and try, as I was mess for a while after the breakup, I was surprised by how hard its hit me, but I still cannot seem to move on, or do I want to move on and try once more, though she has said that she has moved on, nevertheless she was still thinking of me at 3:30 in the morning. I’m not sure what to do, and I feel that I may have lost something I was searching for all this time. I am conscious of what happened on our last meet-up, and terrified of it happening should we meet again, and hurt her even further, though I feel that things are different, but is that just in my mind, and wishful thinking. I know I was crazy about this girl once, can it be the same again, or am I holding on to something that is gone...

I’m sure there’s more I could write, but people have lives to live…

LegacyUser

I can relate to what you're going through. I also am trying to get over someone that I cared for deeply. I wish I could tell you that there was some sort of magic way to get things back to how they were but the truth is that you can't make someone love you or want to be with you no matter how right you think you are for each other. I've been having to come to grips with this myself. I think you should give her (and yourself) some space and maybe after some time has passed and the pain has faded a bit she may miss you or reconsider but ultimately it's her choice. No amount of convincing, apologising, etc can change how someone feels, unfortunately.Take this time to think about the things you need to work on to make yourself a better future partner, whether it be with her or someone else. Also, I think that you should consider any advice that you're given but at the end of the day only you know what's best. I hope all works out for you.

rediguana25

I echo what rejected has said. You really can't make someone love you, as you said you both broke up mutually at the start so somewhere in you you wanted it too. Hindsight is 20 /20 as people say however it's also possible you are looking back with rose coloured glasses? I think you need to start focussing on yourself, get out, meet friends, try to take your mind off things. If she is for you I believe it will happen but you have to let go of beating yourself up and wondering what could have been different. Focus on you and when you're at ease with yourself and the situation things won't seem so bad and you will start feeling happy with life again- which can only bring good things to you. All the best.