Sticky Situation!

LegacyUser

Hi All,

I moved to a new city a few months and was loving the freedom of it all. I had been going out with a guy in Dublin for 6 years and it ended badly so when I moved away I decided I was going to stay single for a few months and just have fun. So that's exactly what I did!

However, I moved into a new apartment 2 months ago and instantly clicked with my new flatmate (who I'll call Steve). We hung out all the time, went for dinner, drinks, dancing and even cooked for each other and bought each other little surprises. We were acting like a couple but I didn't fancy him at all and knew sh*tting where I eat is bound to lead to trouble!

He told me one night that he had fallen for me (tbh it was SUPER obvious). I told him that I didn't feel the same about him but I really enjoyed being friends. He was ok with this but said it'd kill him if I brought someone home so maybe one of us should move out. I agreed.

Anyway, long story short, we ended up drunkenly sh*gging a few nights later and it was amazing. We clicked sexually and I started to actually fall for him too! For about 3 weeks everything was perfect - we had so much fun and we told each other we loved each other.

I knew we were moving too fast but it all felt so right. All his friends kept telling me that he was mad about me, that they'd never seen him so into someone etc and I could see/feel that he worshipped me! I know that sounds big headed but it's true. He was pretty intense.

So, I got freaked out at how fast it was moving and started acting kinda mean towards him. I was snappy and irritable. He's touch me and I'd pull away. If I was late for work - it was his fault. If I burnt my toast - it was his fault. If I got my period - it was his fault...you get the idea!!!

I will admit that I was a nightmare. I told him he was moving too fast but he didn't slow down. I started acting really badly towards him ( I still dont fully get why I did this). I told him about hot guys at work, I shouted at him, I told him I didn't find him attractive....and then.....he broke up with me!!!!

He ended it and said he had never been treated so badly and that it was over 100000000%. No going back. He said he loves me but there is no way he wants me so we're done.

Tbh I am not surprised considering how I acted but the problem is, we still live together and it's killing me. I have now realsied that I do actually love him and I want nothing more then to be with him.

I guess it's a case of you dont know what you've got till it's gone. I pushed him away cos I was confused but now I'm certain of what I want and he no longer wants me.

Question is - Why did I act that way and can I fix this??

I feel ashamed, hurt, guilty and heart broken and the worst part is, I deserve nothing more.

Thanks for reading - sorry for lenght!!!

muracan

You obviously weren't ready for a new relationship.
Why not ask him to read this post and apologise for your behaviiour.
Ask him to sttart over and take it slower....dating etc.
Good luck!

fallen01angel

Hi OP,
It seems to me that you completely panicked, and to be honest,it's understandable-you're recently out of a 6 year relationship,moved to a new city and relishing your freedom when you almost accidently found yourself in relationship,going fantastically well,in a too much too soon manner for you,so you start pushing him away physically and emotionally.

I really feel for you op,especially now you've realised how much this guy means to you,only advice I'll give to you is have a think about the entire situation,are you really ready to give up your freedom so soon again.If you decide that this is the the guy for you,all you can do is sit him down and explain fully the reason why you acted so badly and ask him for one more chance.He may not be willing to risk it 2nd time but at the very least you'll be able to take comfort in the fact you tried to fix your mistake.
I really hope it works out for you.:)

BraziliaNZ

You need to think about it. The guy probably should have been a bit cooler about the whole thing, but still, his self esteem will be rattled now. If you go back, things will probably be the same again sooner or later, I would think he's more into it than you. So you really need to be sure you know what you're doing if you go back to him.

I am a friend

Yeah I don't think either that you should go back to him to try and give it another go. There isn't any excuse really for why you treated him SO badly...

There is a good chance you would end up the same again... Sadly, sometimes we should only give people a go once. Move on and don't rush into another situation until you know you arr ready..

rediguana25

hmmmmm I'm really not convinced. Sorry and don't mean to sound harsh but just being devils advocate here. The fact that he got so intense put you off and in fairness that would put most people off especially someone not looking for a relationship to begin with. The way you described your treatment of him makes me wonder if you could really be in love with him or is it a case of regret and the wanting what you can't have?

Miss Fluff

I agree. If you saw fit to behave so abominably to him after a mere three or four weeks then you can't have been that into him in the first place. Sounds like you were swept up in it all against your better judgement and are now missing the attention/coming to terms with the new dynamic in the house rather than being heartbroken that it's all over.

I'd look to find somewhere else to live and maybe spend a little bit more time enjoying yourself and being single before jumping into something again for the sake of it.

LegacyUser

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I agree. If you saw fit to behave so abominably to him after a mere three or four weeks then you can't have been that into him in the first place. Sounds like you were swept up in it all against your better judgement and are now missing the attention/coming to terms with the new dynamic in the house rather than being heartbroken that it's all over.

I'd look to find somewhere else to live and maybe spend a little bit more time enjoying yourself and being single before jumping into something again for the sake of it.

I appreciate your opinion and everybody elses but it wasn't for the sake of it. He is a wonderful person but it all moved too fast for me. He was making me breakfast in bed every morning and constantly telling me he loved me. He is amazing and I respect him so much but it's too late.

I explained to him my awful actions and begged forgiveness but he said he looks at me differntly now and can't go back.

I feel awful but it's my own fault. It sucks living with him now though. When he goes out at the weekend I'm a total mess. I need to move out and move on sadly:(

I don't get how he fell out of love so quickly unless it wasn't real to begin with. Then again I was a total cow to him so I guess it makes sense.

So annoyed and shocked at my behaviour but i'll have to just let it go..

I am a friend

Well he fell in love with the person he thought you were but when you treated him so badly he saw a different side and didn't like it.

You also need to figure out why you were allergic to someone treating you well. There is no excuse for your treatment of him.

Do move out, it will be the only way to move on.

Dixie Chick

I kinda feel sorry for ye both really. You obviously panicked, I do this also but seeing as you live with him you werent able to just cut contact or snything. I feel sorry for him cos I hate to see anyone treated like that as well.

I think you need to just move out immediatly. Just dont leave yourself in the house with him. He obviously must be hurting too and being around each other wont help. You arent tied in by a mortgage or anything so just move, lick your wounds and move on.

foxyboxer

He sounds like a guy who knows what he wants. He wanted to be with you initially and went for it. Perhaps a bit full on admittedly. Following on from your treatment of him, he decided to end it. So I would accept that if I were you. He knows what he wants, he doesn't want to be treated poorly. And he doesn't want to be with you. You took him for granted so try to respect his decision. Harsh but fair?

Distorted

Heartsamess wrote: »

I appreciate your opinion and everybody elses but it wasn't for the sake of it. He is a wonderful person but it all moved too fast for me. He was making me breakfast in bed every morning and constantly telling me he loved me. He is amazing and I respect him so much but it's too late.

I explained to him my awful actions and begged forgiveness but he said he looks at me differntly now and can't go back.

While I don't doubt that he makes an excellent boyfriend, you are describing someone who seems able to switch their emotions on and off like a switch. Which to me would be saying he could do the same with almost anyone else, again barely knowing them first.

I think people who take a little time to get to know you, before trying to fit you into a role (in your case of the loving girlfriend in an intense, romantic, living together relationship) are a better bet long term. I think your reaction was entirely understandable. And imagine if you were together, and further down the line, he met someone else, or you had to go through a bad phase, and he just switched off his emotions again?...

I suspect it is more the intensity he showed you contrased with the sudden withdrawal of affection that is making you feel so emotional. Plus, he can still keep tabs on you - you live together, so he can mentally control you and make you suffer (even if this is not his deliberate intention), while seeing you all the time. He probably does still have feelings for you, but has got burned, and rather than deal with it in terms of a relationship, has controlled it by saying "no more".

I'd get the hell out of there, cut off all contact and forget all about him!

Miss Fluff

Distorted wrote: »

I think people who take a little time to get to know you, before trying to fit you into a role (in your case of the loving girlfriend in an intense, romantic, living together relationship) are a better bet long term.

100% couldn't agree more. The ones who are that intense and declaring undying after so short a time usually go awol or change their minds just as quick.

Android 666

Distorted wrote: »

Plus, he can still keep tabs on you - you live together, so he can mentally control you and make you suffer (even if this is not his deliberate intention), while seeing you all the time.

I'd get the hell out of there, cut off all contact and forget all about him!

Hmm… boy falls for girl, boy admits it to girl. Girl says no then says yes. Boy is ecstatic and treats girl like princess. Girl treats boy like a piece of shít until finally boy tires of irrational behaviour and ends relationship. Girl decides that actually she does love him. Boy tells girl that he loves her but he will never be in a relationship with her because he has never been treated as badly before in his life.

Yes, men really are such bastards…

davoxx

Android 666 wrote: »

Hmm… boy falls for girl, boy admits it to girl. Girl says no then says yes. Boy is ecstatic and treats girl like princess. Girl treats boy like a piece of shít until finally boy tires of irrational behaviour and ends relationship. Girl decides that actually she does love him. Boy tells girl that he loves her but he will never be in a relationship with her because he has never been treated as badly before in his life.

Yes, men really are such bastards…

tbf, everyone is messed up in someway, some just hide it better ...

op, i think space is the answer here ... you might just want him now as he is a safe bet as well, so some space will/should help put things into perspective ...

good luck either way!!

LegacyUser

Android 666 wrote: »

Hmm… boy falls for girl, boy admits it to girl. Girl says no then says yes. Boy is ecstatic and treats girl like princess. Girl treats boy like a piece of shít until finally boy tires of irrational behaviour and ends relationship. Girl decides that actually she does love him. Boy tells girl that he loves her but he will never be in a relationship with her because he has never been treated as badly before in his life.

Yes, men really are such bastards…

Your summation is spot on however, lets be fair, nobody called him a bastard or said that men are bastards. I'm admitting that I was a total c**t to him. I was unbearable so i understand why he ended it but he is also at fault here too.

Distortion you are bang on the money about the contrast of emotions and control. He went from super hot to locking himself in his room ignoring me and it shocked me to the core.

I can't move out until I get at the end of the month and he knows this. In the meantime I'm trying to avoid him as much as possible and just be a considerate roommate. I keep the place clean, don't have people over etc.

To make it worse though, he has lived in this city for years and as such has lots of friends here. I am new to this city and have only 1 friend. It's alot easier for him to move on.

I don't have any money or friends. I was working nights in a sh*t bar and it was killing me and making me an emotional wreck and he told me to quit and he'd take care of me then a week again he ended it leaving me destitute.

I know its over but its sad and I'm finding living here a nightmare!

fungun

if you ask me, its for the best.....trust your subconscious.

you say you didnt fancy him at all, then fell for him after you shagged him. Thats not love, thats your hormones reacting.
You then started acting horribly to him...imo this is prob cos deep down you knew you didnt actually fancy him & it was wrong to be in a reln with him.
Now you are panicked cos you 'miss' him.

This all happened in 2 months. What you need to do now is nothing. You need to calm down, let yourself find your balance again after a new reln/exciting new sex hormone blast. Then see how you feel. Id be surprised if in a month you arent feeling a whole lot better about being single.

Android 666

I was reacting to whoever wrote:

he can still keep tabs on you - you live together, so he can mentally control you and make you suffer

More than your original post. But what you wrote in this after this is a bit of an eye opener:

Heartsamess wrote: »

I was working nights in a sh*t bar and it was killing me and making me an emotional wreck and he told me to quit and he'd take care of me then a week again he ended it leaving me destitute.

I'm sorry to say this but that was an incredibly naive thing to do. You've known the guy a couple of weeks and you make yourself financially dependent on him? He was wrong to offer to look after you but seriously that was an insane decision to make. If you had posted here asking whether you should give up your job and be supported by your boyfriend of a couple of weeks I'd imagine there'd be few that would tell you to go for it. I think at this stage, put your head down for the next three weeks, chalk it up to experience. Decisions by couples where one partner chooses to give up work are usually made years into the relationship, not weeks.

LegacyUser

I presume you are a good looking lass, and it is not the lack of attention that made you behave irrationally?

If I were you, I'd learn from this that you needed to vocalise the fact that you felt he was moving to fast.

Openness and honesty makes for a good relationship.

Katgurl

Hi OP

I'm pretty shocked by your last update revealing you left your job as he primised to look after you. What on earth were you thinking?

Even if it was best relationship in the world you should never allow yourself to be without your own friends and money. If you hate your job look for a new one. Likewise with friends.

Move on from this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy - too full on starting and ending. Find a job and get yourself financially independant. Join some clubs and meet some people.

When you find yourself with a new boyfriend make sure it's because you want him and not because you need him.

LegacyUser

Katgurl wrote: »

Hi OP

I'm pretty shocked by your last update revealing you left your job as he primised to look after you. What on earth were you thinking?

Even if it was best relationship in the world you should never allow yourself to be without your own friends and money. If you hate your job look for a new one. Likewise with friends.

Move on from this relationship, it doesn't sound healthy - too full on starting and ending. Find a job and get yourself financially independant. Join some clubs and meet some people.

When you find yourself with a new boyfriend make sure it's because you want him and not because you need him.

I found myself a new job instantly so I now have my own money.

I know it sounds crazy but he was soooooooooo in love with me (yeah right!) and I was miserable. I was working till 7am and unable to sleep when I came home. I was having panic attacks and fainting on the u-bahn. It was awful and he said look, just quit....I have money (he comes from a wealthy family). We both knew I'd get a new job within a matter of weeks which I did. I wasn't looking for a free ride!!

dellas1979

Would it not be worth asking him to sit down for a few minutes and say your peace? At least it would then be off you chest.
Are you looking for a second chance with him? If so, you need to make it clear to him, and why you behaved the way you did last time (we all get the frighteners sometimes - im sure if you explain it, it will sink into him).

I am a friend

Heartsamess wrote: »

he is also at fault here too.!

How is he at fault? He opened his heart to you and you jumped on it.

Heartsamess wrote: »

Distortion you are bang on the money about the contrast of emotions and control. He went from super hot to locking himself in his room ignoring me and it shocked me to the core.!

I dont blame him - you hurt him and treated him like [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL]... I am sure he still has feeling for you but knows better than to give you a second chance to kick him. He is entitled to do what he has to do to get over it and maybe thats spending time away from you, even when at home...

Heartsamess wrote: »

To make it worse though, he has lived in this city for years and as such has lots of friends here. I am new to this city and have only 1 friend. It's alot easier for him to move on.!

Well if you had treated him right then you could have kept him as a friend if nothing more... Lesson learned???

Heartsamess wrote: »

he told me to quit and he'd take care of me then a week again he ended it leaving me destitute.!

You gave him no choice... Have a bit of manners in your next relationship and you should get a different outcome.

Heartsamess wrote: »

I know its over but its sad and I'm finding living here a nightmare!

Was he a convenience for you or genuinely someone you are / were interested in?

LegacyUser

I am Friend - Like I said, at first i didn't fancy him but I thought he was wicked and we got on ridiculously well. He told me he was falling for me and I explained that I didn't see him that way and also that I thought it was a bad idea to get involved with someone you live with.

He then pushed me and pushed me by telling me he was in love with me, had never felt this way etc but I still resisted because it didn't feel right. One night we were drunk and he was being really funny and cute and I suddenly looked at him differently. We ended up having sex and it was amazing, best I've ever had in fact. I then started to fall but it all moved too fast.

It was real for me when I fell but I don't think it was real fo rhim.

I am sad and angry at how things have panned out. My last relationship was awful. My ex cheated on me and hit me on several occasions. Steve knew all this and knew I needed to go slow but he was talking about me meeting his family, moving to his home town with him etc etc.

I am hurt now that he is just ignoring me and I have to move out. I love this apartment and I painted and redecorated it when I moved in. It was a mess and I made it lovely and homely and now I'm out the door with no emotion from him whatsoever.

I care, hence my writing this - He is happily drinking beers with his mates whilst playing Goldeneye for hours on end.

He has no job. I work my ass off.

Life is a bitch.

LegacyUser

Heartsamess wrote: »

Question is - Why did I act that way and can I fix this??

You acted this way because you don't know what you want, and you don't trust your own judgement when it comes to men.

The way to fix it is to take some time out from dating men until you find out what it is you want.

Distorted

Don't be too harsh on yourself OP. He instigated this whole process, by first of all breaking the taboo of coming onto a housemate (and a very new housemate, and new to the city too) - who knows, you may have fallen for him in time if he had held back a bit and not come on so strongly so quickly. He also declared undying love and all his feelings too quickly. I don't know about other people, but when I hear of men and women proclaiming they are in love and have never felt this way before within a few weeks of meeting someone, I always think theres a high chance of them coming into the nutter category!

I don't think he's a nutter, but a more balanced person would have moved more slowly. He also sounds unreliable - he tells you one thing, then the next week his great emotions override that and its the complete opposite. He sounds as if he is a slave to his emotions, without giving enough thought to the long term outcome or how they affect other people. Being in a relationship with him sounds like it would be as rocky as being in a sailing boat in a stormy ocean. I would honestly have my doubts about him long term.

LegacyUser

Distorted wrote: »

Don't be too harsh on yourself OP. He instigated this whole process, by first of all breaking the taboo of coming onto a housemate (and a very new housemate, and new to the city too) - who knows, you may have fallen for him in time if he had held back a bit and not come on so strongly so quickly. He also declared undying love and all his feelings too quickly. I don't know about other people, but when I hear of men and women proclaiming they are in love and have never felt this way before within a few weeks of meeting someone, I always think theres a high chance of them coming into the nutter category!

I don't think he's a nutter, but a more balanced person would have moved more slowly. He also sounds unreliable - he tells you one thing, then the next week his great emotions override that and its the complete opposite. He sounds as if he is a slave to his emotions, without giving enough thought to the long term outcome or how they affect other people. Being in a relationship with him sounds like it would be as rocky as being in a sailing boat in a stormy ocean. I would honestly have my doubts about him long term.

Distorted, you've helped calm me and clear my head. Honestly - thank you so much. I know what I have to do now (move out as soon as possible even if it's into a ****box! Delete him from my phone and when I'm not at work, stay in my room or go for walks etc).

Thanks to all for your help!!