Watching my life go to pieces despite best efforts

LegacyUser

Things are getting increasingly difficult and I'm so so so fed up. I'm thankfully not depressed but I feel like I'm constantly being pulled down. It started when I decided to change career. I stopped working and studied in my new area and managed to get some part-time work in this area after 6 months of study or so, but the hours have been absymal and I'm earning the same as dole equivalent essentially. On this I've had to pay rent, food, and personal debts, and I've no savings or anywhere to turn for emergency cash.

I have managed til now, but it has been a struggle.

Just one month ago I got rid of one loan which had been suffocating me. I had a couple of hundred free money and I really needed a holiday, not having had one for 2 years, and so I took a cheap break, but got a call to say my aunt died, and I had to come home half way through, and get a new flight. All my hol money gone, and the loss of a close family member.

I hadn't been driving hardly at all, and was going to get my insurance as soon as I had money but I just never had enough money this year, and I got stopped by a guard last week and I didn't have any insurance, no L plates up, no accompanying driver and it turned out my licence had expired. I am looking at my life being up in front of the courts and possibly in the local paper and I'm not exaggerating but I'm wondering now what is the point of all the struggling to get on when it is getting me nowhere.

Worst of all, my family are not supportive at all. I grew up in a middle class family, we all got good educations, except I chose a dodgy career and since I changed career my family are expecting results even 6 months in to my studies. In fights with my siblings they have thrown my money issues at me, in front of my father, who I have tried to protect from knowing my financial worries. I cannot depend on them in hard times, they are like a fair weather family, and it hurts me the most. My heart is turning cold toward them. This has been the worst time of my life, they know that, and there is no support. I think I wouldn't care if I didn't see them again, bar my little brother and father (my mother passed away a few years ago).

I am desperately trying to find another new job, part-time, or full-time, but nothing is coming up and I'm stuck with my one part-time job, with its lousy hours, and I need savings to get back to college next year, but I just can't get up.

Please, any advice. Where do I go from here? I'm worried for my mental health. It's just too much stress, despite how 'strong' I am, there is a limit and I can feel it within reach.

Mighty_Mouse

A little perspective.
You're changing career. It was never going to be easy.
A bus is cheaper than a car & a bike is cheaper again.
You shouldn't of been driving. Take your punishment on the chin.
So what if you're in the local papers. Its hardly crime of the century stuff?

Never expect handouts from anybody.
Your family are leading their own lives. Nobody has "spare" cash these days.
Everybody is leading a lower standard of life now than they were previously.
No matter what they are currently earning, this adjustment stings.

I know times are hard.
It's tough & rough. You don't know how you're going to survive.
But these times have the benefit of paring life back to the priorities.
You're entitled to feel miserable, angry ...........& dare I say **Sorry for Yourself**

But there's only one cold truth.
Either your lay down & die or you
re-focus, shake it off, suck it up & try harder.

estar

Hi stay positive. You are suceeding so far. at least you didn't injure someone when driving without insurance then there would have been a far larger problem. When you chose to go on holidays rather than buy insurance you made a bad choice. I know life is tough and you deserved a break and it's a pity your family cannot support you more. Why aren't you confiding your problems in your dad? Maybe he could assist more. Have you asked your siblings for more support or understanding. You should be commended for paying off the loan. praise yourself for your achievements and forgive yourself your errors. not having insurance is something you will get over. Should you be getting legal advice.

LegacyUser

I can't afford legal advice. I got insurance sorted now alright, to make amends and help matters, but it's not going to change the fact that I wasn't insured the day and time when the Garda stopped me. I'm going to contact my local TD if the guards send me to court. I have no money to pay fines if I go to court, so what then?

If it's in the paper my father is going to be destroyed over it. He's old and he's a proud man, and he is very ill. I am not worried about myself as regards the papers, I'm more worried about him.

I'm going on this day by day now but I am so stressed. My hair is falling out. I have bawled crying on several occasions over all my worries. It's not feeling sorry for myself, it's that I feel helpless.

Can the TD help?

sam34

what do you think the td can/will do?

you committed an offence and you were caught, you will have to face the consequences. you chose to go on holidays instead of taking out insurance - you should have prioritised the latter.

flowerchild

I'm sorry things are so tricky and you're feeling bad. Some people find lists helpful - if they do the top 1 or 2 things on their list each day they are happy. Others just stop regularly and ask - what's the best use of my time, right now. As you take action you will feel better and just let the other stuff float away like leaves in a river.

Ellie2008

notymham wrote: »

I can't afford legal advice. I got insurance sorted now alright, to make amends and help matters, but it's not going to change the fact that I wasn't insured the day and time when the Garda stopped me. I'm going to contact my local TD if the guards send me to court. I have no money to pay fines if I go to court, so what then?

If it's in the paper my father is going to be destroyed over it. He's old and he's a proud man, and he is very ill. I am not worried about myself as regards the papers, I'm more worried about him.

I'm going on this day by day now but I am so stressed. My hair is falling out. I have bawled crying on several occasions over all my worries. It's not feeling sorry for myself, it's that I feel helpless.

Can the TD help?

OP I think you need to get some perspective this is not going to kill your father, it is not like you are up for murder. If you think going to your TD will somehow get you off the charge you are mistaken, TD's have no power over the Guards and it would be worrying if they did. This is not the end of the world it s not like you hit someone while driving with no insurance, it was an irresponsible thing to do but we've all made mistakes. If you cant pay a fine I imagine your solicitor will push for you to be able to pay it in instalments but you really need to take legal advice I hope you have applied for legal aid. You need to "man up" and face the consequences I sure it is very very stressful but there is no point crying over spilt milk, deal with the situation you find yourself in as best you can. You are not as you say helpless you can get legal aid and present a case as best you can to the courts, reality is people are up for this everyday it isnt the end of the world, lesson learned.

Ellie2008

http://www.flac.ie/gethelp/

OP the above organisation is a charity which gives out free legal advice. why dont you contact them for advice as a first port of call.

LegacyUser

Thanks all.

estar

Cut the stress and take control. So you made a mistake and your pride will take a hit if it gets out. The Td won't be able to assist I'd say. Legal aid will. Find out what's going to happen rather than imagining. it won't kill your father. Particularly not if you prepare him for it rather than leave him read it in the papers. My father would be more upset I didn't ask for help and went without insurance rather than ask him. maybe he can't help but you are digging a hole here. Phone the legal aid board..Sitting around saying why me is going to get you nowhere. you sound determined, so take control. Good luck you can get through this.

Mighty_Mouse

My hair is falling out. I have bawled crying on several occasions over all my worries. It's not feeling sorry for myself, it's that I feel helpless.

You are never helpless.
Focus on the can do.

Life will never be completely comfortable. Learn to live with worries & anxieties.

You have achieved some very positive things in recent times
ie. Clearing the loan, changing career.

in survival/poverty mode if you have a roof over your head & food to eat....the rest is just bs.

Get some perspective here. In terms of life overall, in terms of who you are & will be in 5, 10, 25 years time.......the court case is just a small matter.
So what if yer dad gets angry. People get angry all the time. Its part of life. Deal with it move on.

Even if the court issues a fine. You won't go to jail for not paying it immediately. You have time.
See what happens, when it happens, deal with it & move on.
You managed to clear the loan didn't you?

Think big, act small.
ie. you can only control your actions day to day, minute by minute.
Make a long term plan & work hard day by day towards it.

Implement some basic stress controls into your life:
whats your diet & level of fitness like?

I'm earning the same as dole equivalent essentially. On this I've had to pay rent, food, and personal debts,

I understand its a struggle. The dole is not easy but there's 440,000 people in Ireland living on it.
€200 per week is sufficient to survive. Your spending lacks controls in some areas.
You cannot drink, smoke, spend money on petrol, pay rent & take occasional holidays.
The reality is that in dire situations a person can survive on €30 pw.
I know people who live on porridge, potatoes, pasta & veg, make their lunches, don't drink & cycle 30km per day (all year round) to survive.
These people will have planned their spend each week ...to the last euro.
I know people who haven't outside Ireland in 3-4 years.
The notion of a holiday is laughable.

You need to refocus, take responsibility for yourself properly.

LegacyUser

Wow, thanks for that advice. Will definitely take it on board and it's already been a big help. With the financial help of a good friend I have all my motor affairs in order now. The really ironic thing is that I only have the car to keep my father happy, sad but true. If it was down to me I'd have cleared my other credit card debt instead of getting that loan for the car that caused me to go over the coping threshold financially. I regret putting him first now. I should have thought of my own life and survival before his pride on that front. It's just not worth it.
If I was to be disqualified from driving I will just sell the car and make up some excuse, and that money would go a long way to getting me back on my feet and even towards my postgrad study which I had to put off til next Sept.

It's just tough and it gets harder when you feel that you're getting close to seeing something 'tangible' at the end of all the work and stress ya know? I also don't know one other person putting themselves through these levels of crap. Of course there are others doing similar things to me and who are also struggling, but sadly all of my friends and family are at least comfortable or well off. Some are on the dole but happily living on the dole so I'm financially even way worse off than them, despite the fact that I'm working, etc.

Ah, I definitely need more deep breaths, and ye are right, I need to get stress controls in order for sure. That's going to be my priority, esp in the short term.

In terms of exercise and diet, I'm doing quite well, I walk loads and I eat healthily and definitely not overly so as I just don't have the money to over-eat haha. The best thing is that I've cut alcohol down drastically and that is a really positive thing which I wouldn't have considered only for being completely broke. So I need to make a list of the positive spin offs lol

Mighty_Mouse

I regret putting him first now. I should have thought of my own life and survival before his pride on that front.

Life experience = life lesson. You're now a wiser person for this experience. Remember it & move on.

I walk loads

I would seriously consider a sport and/or hobby.
Be it running, swimming, yoga, surfing , music .................whatever.
Something that you will notice improvements with practice.
This serves the purpose of distracting you from your worries regularly, plus improvement gives you a sense of achievement & empowerment.
Sport – we need it like food & water. Basically you need to give yourself a regular shot of serotonin/adrenalin. It’s the chemical the brain needs for handling times of stress.

LegacyUser

Cool, thanks again mightymouse. What sports would you recommend? My bike got stolen a while back so that put an end to that hobby. I do play music already but lost interest with all my obsessing with study/career change and financial stress. Not in the right frame of mind to go back to it, but I play at a decent level.

I'm not overly sporty! I have been thinking about knitting as it might be relaxing and there is lots to learn but it's not overwhelmingly 'me' if you know what I mean!

THANK YOU by the way. You and others have really helped me through this crisis week. I am starting to think that this has been for the best.

Ellie2008

notymham wrote: »

Cool, thanks again mightymouse. What sports would you recommend? My bike got stolen a while back so that put an end to that hobby. I do play music already but lost interest with all my obsessing with study/career change and financial stress. Not in the right frame of mind to go back to it, but I play at a decent level.

I'm not overly sporty! I have been thinking about knitting as it might be relaxing and there is lots to learn but it's not overwhelmingly 'me' if you know what I mean!

THANK YOU by the way. You and others have really helped me through this crisis week. I am starting to think that this has been for the best.

Why don't you volunteer for a charity? That costs nothing, you might make new friends and you'll have the feel good factor of helping people out. A lot of charities require training etc so you'd get to meet a new group of people. If you were to volunteer for the SVP for example you might learn some new household skills.

If you play an instrument why don't you join an orchestra or something, my friend plays the cello and she's always in different instrumental groups etc.

Grab your life with both hands you only get the one!

Mighty_Mouse

I'm not overly sporty!

We're creatures of habit.
Form new habits.
I'm saying I believe you need a tough physical workout 3 times in order to be mentally fit.
If you're broke. Run.

LegacyUser

Ellie2008 wrote: »

Why don't you volunteer for a charity? That costs nothing, you might make new friends and you'll have the feel good factor of helping people out. A lot of charities require training etc so you'd get to meet a new group of people. If you were to volunteer for the SVP for example you might learn some new household skills.

If you play an instrument why don't you join an orchestra or something, my friend plays the cello and she's always in different instrumental groups etc.

Grab your life with both hands you only get the one!

I do live life to the full ellie and have always been conscious of not letting life pass me by. That's why I changed career, despite having an interesting job before this. I'm just going through a rough patch at the mo where I just don't have any money and I can't get a second job so that I would have enough money. I don't even have enough now to move to London as I had wanted to do.

I have been in a band in the past, for years! You can't really force yourself to be in the mood to play music though and right now I'm still not in the right frame of mind for it.

LegacyUser

Mighty_Mouse wrote: »

We're creatures of habit.
Form new habits.
I'm saying I believe you need a tough physical workout 3 times in order to be mentally fit.
If you're broke. Run.

Yep you are completely right. I'll get thinking and if it's to be running then running it is.