Dropped by best friend.

silly

It'll be a year now in January and I'm still finding it really hard.
We were best friends since 1999. We met in college and lived in 2 different counties but spent alot of time driving to eachother after college. She was the one I could talk to about anything, and I was for her too.

I think things all started to go wrong in 2009 and she lost alot of weight, nearly 5 stone. I was delighted for her. She was always heavy but she never spoke of any concerns about her weight, I never thought she had a major issue with it, she never even talked about losing weight. After she lost the weight she changed completely, to the point where I didn't even recognise her ( not physically, but her personality changed)
She ended up having an affair and treating her husband really bad. I gave her all the advice I could give - mostly asking her to try and work on her marriage ( married in 2008) and go for counselling etc she kept asking for advice and I kept giving her my honest opinion on things but I think in the end it just wasn't the advice she wanted.
Herself and her husband did work a bit at it, and I was happy that things were looking up, 2010 seemed like a better year all round, I got engaged and she was obvious choice to be my bridesmaid. But coming to the end of 2010 she was changing more rapidly...we used to email every day but her emails became less frequent and she never really had much to say. She was little or no help with wedding stuff. Made alot of excuses as to why she couldn't come wedding dress shopping or to wedding fairs. In mid January of this year she told me that herself and her husband had agreed to break up on new years eve, I was shocked that I wasn't the person who she told first thing...
I tried to be there for her, asked her to call to me to get away for a while where we could discuss things etc.. But for 3 weeks in a row she made excuses. I then found out that she was traveling to another part of the country to go clubbing with a girl she had recently become very friendly with.
So I called her on it and was told " sorry, we just drifted".
So that was it. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore. No reason.
So my wedding came and went without her.
I think I was finally getting over it when last week she sent me a fb message saying that my profile pic was nice ( wedding photo) and it really upset me, her getting back in contact.
I cried that night again and I just can't get her out of my head.
I don't have many close friends so she is a massive loss for me. It feels like a break up.
Please give me advice on how to get over this.
I can't even think about being friends with her again. Even if she came to me and asked me to be her friend again I would say no.

LegacyUser

silly wrote: »

So I called her on it and was told " sorry, we just drifted".
So that was it. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore. No reason.
So my wedding came and went without her.
I think I was finally getting over it when last week she sent me a fb message saying that my profile pic was nice ( wedding photo) and it really upset me, her getting back in contact.
I cried that night again and I just can't get her out of my head.
I don't have many close friends so she is a massive loss for me. It feels like a break up.
Please give me advice on how to get over this.
I can't even think about being friends with her again. Even if she came to me and asked me to be her friend again I would say no.

I'm not on fb myself so don't really understand how it works. If you deleted her as a friend then I presume you can't see whats happening on her page? I'm just wondering did she delete you from her fb page or how was she able to send you a message via fb if neither of yous are still in contact.
I think the best thing to do would be to just block her from her your account and ignore the message.
If she really wanted to get back in contact with you why not contact you in person or pick up a phone. E-mail and online messaging is just very impersonal.
You were there for her for the good and bad times and then when it came to your wedding ...where was she?? nowhere. Time to move on and forget about her.

xzanti

Whatever you do, don't let it consume you.. Something similar happened to me recently.. I let it take up a lot of my time being bitter over it, but I realized that there's really no point.. I doubt my ex friend spends much time fretting over me so why should I over her?

It sounds like you were a good friend to her, it's her loss.. Live for the present and the future, be positive and you'll invite positive things into your life.. that's how I see it anyway..

Let them on!!

silly

tabs101 wrote: »

silly wrote: »

So I called her on it and was told " sorry, we just drifted".
So that was it. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore. No reason.
So my wedding came and went without her.
I think I was finally getting over it when last week she sent me a fb message saying that my profile pic was nice ( wedding photo) and it really upset me, her getting back in contact.
I cried that night again and I just can't get her out of my head.
I don't have many close friends so she is a massive loss for me. It feels like a break up.
Please give me advice on how to get over this.
I can't even think about being friends with her again. Even if she came to me and asked me to be her friend again I would say no.

I'm not on fb myself so don't really understand how it works. If you deleted her as a friend then I presume you can't see whats happening on her page? I'm just wondering did she delete you from her fb page or how was she able to send you a message via fb if neither of yous are still in contact.
I think the best thing to do would be to just block her from her your account and ignore the message.
If she really wanted to get back in contact with you why not contact you in person or pick up a phone. E-mail and online messaging is just very impersonal.
You were there for her for the good and bad times and then when it came to your wedding ...where was she?? nowhere. Time to move on and forget about her.

Even when someone is not your "friend " if you click onto their page you can just see their pic and there is then the option to add as friend or send a message.
I did reply to her asking why was she contacting me. She said she just wanted to tell me I looked nice and hoped I had a nice day. I told her to take her own advice and not to contact me.
I don't think her message was in any way wanting to be friends. I don't know what she was up to really.

OS119

silly wrote: »

...I don't think her message was in any way wanting to be friends. I don't know what she was up to really.

it sounds to me like the begining of an apology, or at least a bit of reconciliation. not much chance of there being a repeat though...

OP, your 'friend' sounds - from your version - as if she might be a little cold/ruthless, but i'm afraid you come across as being needy and smothering, and put together those qualities are not going to get on well.

nothing you can do about it, block messages - not that i think you'll get any more - and get on with your life.

silly

OS119 wrote: »

silly wrote: »

...I don't think her message was in any way wanting to be friends. I don't know what she was up to really.

it sounds to me like the begining of an apology, or at least a bit of reconciliation. not much chance of there being a repeat though...

OP, your 'friend' sounds - from your version - as if she might be a little cold/ruthless, but i'm afraid you come across as being needy and smothering, and put together those qualities are not going to get on well.

nothing you can do about it, block messages - not that i think you'll get any more - and get on with your life.

Can you show me where I come across needy and smothering please? Would really like to know if this is the reason she "dumped" me.

OS119

silly wrote: »

Can you show me where I come across needy and smothering please? Would really like to know if this is the reason she "dumped" me.

from your OP:

1. She was the one I could talk to about anything, and I was for her too...

2. I gave her all the advice I could give - mostly asking her to try and work on her marriage ( married in 2008) and go for counselling etc she kept asking for advice and I kept giving her my honest opinion on things but I think in the end it just wasn't the advice she wanted...

3. we used to email every day but her emails became less frequent and she never really had much to say...

4. She was little or no help with wedding stuff. Made alot of excuses as to why she couldn't come wedding dress shopping or to wedding fairs...

5. I was shocked that I wasn't the person who she told first thing...

6. I tried to be there for her, asked her to call to me to get away for a while where we could discuss things etc.. But for 3 weeks in a row she made excuses...

7. I then found out that she was traveling to another part of the country to go clubbing with a girl she had recently become very friendly with...


8. So I called her on it...

9. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore...

you appear to be pretty demanding of her time, can't take subtle hints that she's not interested in wedding fairs or daily contact (you still may not have noticed that while you were prattling on about confetti, her marriage was falling apart), give lots of advice that is obviously unwelcome (unwelcome advice is easy to give, by mistake, once - you can't do it more than that without knowing its unwelcome), act as if you have a right to be the first person she talks to about big issues in her life, and you really don't like it when she starts being friends with anyone else.

silly

1. She was the one I could talk to about anything, and I was for her too...

---

isn't that what best friends are to eachother??

2. I gave her all the advice I could give - mostly asking her to try and work on her marriage ( married in 2008) and go for counselling etc she kept asking for advice and I kept giving her my honest opinion on things but I think in the end it just wasn't the advice she wanted...

---

i only ever gave advice when she asked me.

3. we used to email every day but her emails became less frequent and she never really had much to say...

---

/-we both work in offices and it wasn't always me that emailed first, it's just something we did to pass time.

4. She was little or no help with wedding stuff. Made alot of excuses as to why she couldn't come wedding dress shopping or to wedding fairs...

---

she was my bridesmaid, I went wedding dress shopping with her. She did come shopping once, she even made the appointments! and was all excited about all the other shops we could go to.

5. I was shocked that I wasn't the person who she told first thing...

---

as I had been the one she always came to for advice, and I helped her as much as I could.

6. I tried to be there for her, asked her to call to me to get away for a while where we could discuss things etc.. But for 3 weeks in a row she made excuses...

---

she had said she wanted to get out of the house as her husband was still there. She was all for calling each time, but changed her mind each time last minute.

7. I then found out that she was traveling to another part of the country to go clubbing with a girl she had recently become very friendly with...

---

I felt hurt as I had been her best friend for so long, and tried to help her as much as I could. She didn't even tell me they were the reasons why she couldn't call to me.


8. So I called her on it...

---

like I said, I was hurt. Caught her lying to me.

9. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore...

---

I was upset, I wanted her to tell me what I had done wrong.

(you still may not have noticed that while you were prattling on about confetti, her marriage was falling apart),

---

when I got engaged her marriage was going well. I didn't go on about it. But it hurts when your bridesmaid had no interest. I was no bridezilla if that's what you're saying.


give lots of advice that is obviously unwelcome

---

if my advice was so unwelcome then why come to me for it?



I think you are bring very unfair to me here.
We were very close for a very long time. She was like part of my family and was at alot of family functions. My whole family were invited her her wedding. I was also very close to her family.
This is something that is very upsetting for me. I don't have any other friends that I'm as close to as we were.

OS119

silly wrote: »

...were.

is the operative word.

i don't doubt that the pair of you were as thick as thieves when you were younger - the 'in each others pockets, sharing secrets' friendship that people sometimes have when they are young (in adult terms).

the problem is that she changed her side of the friendship - as people do when they get older - but you didn't, and the 'needy and smothering' thing comes from the fact that either you didn't notice that your relationship was changing, or didn't care, and tried to keep it as you wanted it.

the kind of friendships that we have when we're kids are not the kind of friendships we have as adults.

Ellie2008

OS119 wrote: »

silly wrote: »

...were.

is the operative word.

i don't doubt that the pair of you were as thick as thieves when you were younger - the 'in each others pockets, sharing secrets' friendship that people sometimes have when they are young (in adult terms).

the problem is that she changed her side of the friendship - as people do when they get older - but you didn't, and the 'needy and smothering' thing comes from the fact that either you didn't notice that your relationship was changing, or didn't care, and tried to keep it as you wanted it.

the kind of friendships that we have when we're kids are not the kind of friendships we have as adults.

I think you re being a little harsh, the woman deleted the OP on Facebook, I'm friends with people on Facebook I haven't seen in years. That said I think you are right friendships do run their course and this one clearly had. If I was the OP I would have liked a reason but at the same time the truth hurts and maybe she didn't want to have to say whatever it was. As an example I have a friend for literally years since we were young teenagers (we re 29 now), and I find her very over dependent and clingy at times, she s v jealous of my having other friends and if I go to meet people she knows but only I'm friends with she will be like oh I haven't seen so and so in ages (in a very so bring me next time kinda voice), to the point where I have said gently enough well you re not really friends with so and so which she doesn't understand, when what I actually want to say is I'm entitled to go for a coffee without you behaving like a spoilt child. She will constantly ask why she wasn't invited somewhere and look very hurt and follow it with you know I get v paranoid about things, I think our friendship hasn't really matured.


Enough of me, I think this girl went too far, regardless of the state of her marraige you are entitled to your big day, she had one and I would only delete my worst enemies from Facebook. The past is in the past move on, I don't know why she sent you that email particularly after deleting you from the same website, she may have felt a bit guilty or maybe she thought it was a nice thing to do, you ll never know. I find the friend I discussed above a bit trying but at the same time I remember the support she has given me in the past and would never treat her how this woman had treated you, she sounds quite self involved, move on OP and congrats on getting married.

Mighty_Mouse

i don't doubt that the pair of you were as thick as thieves when you were younger - the 'in each others pockets, sharing secrets' friendship that people sometimes have when they are young (in adult terms).

the problem is that she changed her side of the friendship - as people do when they get older - but you didn't, and the 'needy and smothering' thing comes from the fact that either you didn't notice that your relationship was changing, or didn't care, and tried to keep it as you wanted it.

Op, you have my every sympathies. Losing any personal relationship can be devastating.

But...............if you want to "understand" what happened. See above.
Truth can kick like a mule.

Ellie2008

OP - I just re-read your post on a computer as opposed to my phone at work!, and saw that you had actually asked for advice on how to get over it. I think you have to apply your energies to thinking about positive things - (1) you're married, how many of the single women I was trawling Lesson St on Sat night with would love to be married?!, (2) you have a job, (3) Im sure there are more.

Of course it is a loss when you don't have many close friends but life is short, you've wasted a year of negative energy thinking about this, move on, my friend and I say all the time it actually almost harder to make girlfriends past a certain age i.e. college or whatever than it is to meet a man! so you are not alone there. Don't let the experience put you off friendships run their course its normal enough and it despite the tone of some of the posts it is not your fault, it just happens. You need to work on learning to accept it and moving on.

silly

I'm very upset reading some of the responses here.
Can I just clarify that this was an adult friendship. We are both in our 30's and both mothers.

I was not a needy friend - not at all. It was a very equal friendship. We went through alot together and we were always there for eachother.
Things changed when she lost the weight. Her personality changed completely. I was so happy for her when she lost the weight.
But it was then that both me and her husband were pushed to the way side and she started clubbing with this other girl.
I had no problem with this other girl. She was originally her younger sisters best friend. So we both met her around the same time, and the 4 of us often went out together in the past.
This girl could obviously offer her more i.e young single guys to go clubbing with.

I know I am married, I'm very happy. But I miss my best friend.

This is upsetting enough without people tearing our whole friendship apart like it was all a figment of my imagination.

WindSock

Is it possible she may have depression or something? You say she lost a lot of weight over a short period of time, and it was weight that didn't seem to bother her. Also her unhappiness in her marriage and affair may be linked to an illness she could have.
She might have felt that she needed some time out from everything, including yourself. Not a nice thing she did to you if that is the case but it might explain her behaviour a bit.

Ellie2008

silly wrote: »

I'm very upset reading some of the responses here.
Can I just clarify that this was an adult friendship. We are both in our 30's and both mothers.

I was not a needy friend - not at all. It was a very equal friendship. We went through alot together and we were always there for eachother.
Things changed when she lost the weight. Her personality changed completely. I was so happy for her when she lost the weight.
But it was then that both me and her husband were pushed to the way side and she started clubbing with this other girl.
I had no problem with this other girl. She was originally her younger sisters best friend. So we both met her around the same time, and the 4 of us often went out together in the past.
This girl could obviously offer her more i.e young single guys to go clubbing with.

I know I am married, I'm very happy. But I miss my best friend.

This is upsetting enough without people tearing our whole friendship apart like it was all a figment of my imagination.

Hi OP

I'm sorry if anything in my post upset you, I don't think anyone is trying to say you imagined your entire friendship. From what you have said for her the friendship ran it's course, it's just over for her and of course I can see how that hurts your feelings. I think people were trying to say that you were pretty young when you met, you ve had a lot of different life experiences and probably changed quite a bit and she thinks you ve drifted or that is the official line she may or may not be telling the 100% truth possibly to spare your feelings.
The key is acceptance at this stage, nearly a year is a long time to be upset I thought that was your question.

I think when you post somewhere like this you have to be prepared for people not to agree with you.

Ellie2008

WindSock wrote: »

Is it possible she may have depression or something? You say she lost a lot of weight over a short period of time, and it was weight that didn't seem to bother her. Also her unhappiness in her marriage and affair may be linked to an illness she could have.
She might have felt that she needed some time out from everything, including yourself. Not a nice thing she did to you if that is the case but it might explain her behaviour a bit.

I d have to disagree with this, we don't know that her weight didn't bother her, we just know she didn't talk to the OP about it. I note the OP said they told eachother everything, which I would read as the OP told her everything we have no way of verifying it went both ways unless the woman in question was to confirm it for us.

Morag

sounds like slash and burn tactics, some people do that.
They decide that they want to start over and they cut people who will call them on their bullshít and
drop them from their new life as those people remind them of the past.

Sounds like you got in the way of her re inventing herself and she dropped you.
It's poxy when it happens, esp if they turn nasty but its all about them when they do it and not you.
Doesn't mean you did a blessed thing wrong or deserved the hurt it just means shes messed up and tbh it's best that she cant drag you into her messes any more.

You'll never know why, you'll never get a reason you just have to detach and spend time with the people who really care about you and who do respect you.

flowerchild

It can be shocking and disappointing and people have a right to move on, even if they do it without grace. You can stay caught up in your anger and hurt, which is legitimate, or you can rebuild. The question is, which do you want?

silly

flowerchild wrote: »

It can be shocking and disappointing and people have a right to move on, even if they do it without grace. You can stay caught up in your anger and hurt, which is legitimate, or you can rebuild. The question is, which do you want?

Yes, I want to move on, I'm just finding it a bit hard. I don't fit into her new lifestyle.
It's like when you break up with someone who you loved dearly, and they suddenly tell you that they don't love you anymore and to delete their number.

Windsock, I really doubt she was suffering from depression or illness. Her weight was the one thing she never spoke of, but something must have triggered her to lose weight. She cut out all carbs, walked every day during her lunch, and again in the afternoon. She became a bit obsessed with it.
When she lost the weight, she started to get attention from alot of people, mostly men. She would often get comments like " you're married to him???" ( her husband was also quite heavy) that's where her affair steamed from, a young 20 yr old boy took interest and she couldn't help herself.
She came out with me one night with my sister and cousin, ( this was 2010 - after her affair, when things were better with her husband) at the end of the night we went to my cousins house, where we were staying. After a while I couldn't find her, and eventually found her in the sitting room eating the face off a 17 yr old who was a friend of the family who was only staying as he had an early flight in the morning. She was 31.

Thank you for all your replies. I guess I am just going to have to figure out how to forget all about her.

Nead21

Hi Silly, I went through a similar issue with an old friend a few years ago, not entirely the same, but it definitely rings bells.

We had been friends since school and always shared what was happening in our lives. Somewhere around our mid-twenties this stopped. It was a gradual thing, and it was very hurtful.

I really feel that in your case the change in her life (weight loss and affairs) is what happened to your friendship. I'm not blaming her completely, but pushing her husband and her closest friend aside maybe have been her way of dealing with an unhappiness or changes in her own life. You may have been a reminder of her old self, be it good or bad, and sometimes when we want to change we don't want to be judged by those who know us the best.

It's a difficult situation to be in because you're mourning the loss of an important relationship. Focus on the friendships and relationships you have at the moment, and perhaps in the future, when the kind-of raw feelings have gone, you maybe both open to being friends again (albeit a different friendship from what it was).

Best of luck OP

IrishEyes19

OS119 wrote: »

from your OP:

1. She was the one I could talk to about anything, and I was for her too...

2. I gave her all the advice I could give - mostly asking her to try and work on her marriage ( married in 2008) and go for counselling etc she kept asking for advice and I kept giving her my honest opinion on things but I think in the end it just wasn't the advice she wanted...

3. we used to email every day but her emails became less frequent and she never really had much to say...

4. She was little or no help with wedding stuff. Made alot of excuses as to why she couldn't come wedding dress shopping or to wedding fairs...

5. I was shocked that I wasn't the person who she told first thing...

6. I tried to be there for her, asked her to call to me to get away for a while where we could discuss things etc.. But for 3 weeks in a row she made excuses...

7. I then found out that she was traveling to another part of the country to go clubbing with a girl she had recently become very friendly with...


8. So I called her on it...

9. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore...

you appear to be pretty demanding of her time, can't take subtle hints that she's not interested in wedding fairs or daily contact (you still may not have noticed that while you were prattling on about confetti, her marriage was falling apart), give lots of advice that is obviously unwelcome (unwelcome advice is easy to give, by mistake, once - you can't do it more than that without knowing its unwelcome), act as if you have a right to be the first person she talks to about big issues in her life, and you really don't like it when she starts being friends with anyone else.[/QUOTE

Sorry I dont agree with this, I dont think the OP is needy. A best friend is someone you divulge to and it works both ways, secrets, nights out, phone calls ect.

I dont think its needy to feel hurt if your suddenly dropped and avoided by someone who you trusted and she trusted you. It hurts.

I dont see the difference between a relationship breaking up and a bf/gf relationship breaking up. If anything the loss of a friendship hurts more, as in most cases, that relationship has lasted longer. Yet if it were a bf/gf situation, the OP wouldnt be criticised as much.

As for being demanding, thats silly. She asked her to the wedding, she was obviously going t be the bridesmaid, and well a bridesmaid has duties. ya it would hurt if my best friend avoided me, made excuses, then went out with other friends but personally avoided me.

But people do change, OP, drift apart for various reasons. I would however stop the harsh cold act. It doesnt do any good. I know your hurt, and even though you say you wouldnt be friends with her again, your post says different. you sound like someone who is still upset and mourning the loss of a friendship. Easy conversation might just ease tensions between you. Not full on friendship again, but its nicer to be at ease with someone then regretting a fall out. best of luck

csi vegas

Sharrow wrote: »

sounds like slash and burn tactics, some people do that.
They decide that they want to start over and they cut people who will call them on their bullshít and
drop them from their new life as those people remind them of the past.

Sounds like you got in the way of her re inventing herself and she dropped you.
It's poxy when it happens, esp if they turn nasty but its all about them when they do it and not you.
Doesn't mean you did a blessed thing wrong or deserved the hurt it just means shes messed up and tbh it's best that she cant drag you into her messes any more.

You'll never know why, you'll never get a reason you just have to detach and spend time with the people who really care about you and who do respect you.

Very well said Sharrow - I know excactly what you mean (just posted about a friend of mine who dropped me when she got a man).
People can be so heartless but to know that, really KNOW it is at least an answer to some self-questioning that a person might have when unexpectedly & undeservedly treated with contempt.



OP: It's hard I know to accept. Every day you will have thoughts about her & the upset she has caused you. I have myself about the girl who cut me off for her own selfish means. Even though we weren't CLOSE close like you were with her, it still gets me and I can't imagine how you must feel having been so friendly with her.

She is probably suffering some sort of grand delusion in which she feels 'brand new' and 'beautiful' and single again. And someone who actively wants to have affairs and worse
-gets off with a 17 yr old BOY??? I'm 31 myself and oh my god that's mental illness!
The madness she's getting up to is really something to be ashamed of and she knows deep down, beyond her facade that most people will be appalled but if that's what she wants...she's been ruthless enough to drop a genuine friend for all that freakiness, that says an awful lot about her, especially since she is a mother.
She sounds very messed up and craving all sorts of weird drama, going totally overboard trying to re-live the crazy youth she never had.
You're best off without her hassle.
People can be so artificial and phoney and that's not always easy to see, especially when you hit it off so well with them to begin with, then like a relationship you can be 'blinded' by your love and admiration of them, never really seeing that side of their personality until they turn it on you.

silly wrote: »

I called her on it and was told " sorry, we just drifted".
So that was it. She deleted me from fb. And when I txted her she got quite nasty telling me to delete her number and she has no time for me anymore. No reason.

She will likely meet another man and enter a new relationship, probably drop these new friends of hers when she does and eventually wind up with regrets of having nobody but her man and if she does come calling on you with these regrets in tow hopefully you can be the one who can tell HER you no longer have the time of day to be chatting.

The wheel will turn trust me. The only thing is it's a b*tch not knowing WHEN.

csi vegas

silly wrote: »

After a while I couldn't find her, and eventually found her in the sitting room eating the face off a 17 yr old who was a friend of the family who was only staying as he had an early flight in the morning. She was 31

EWWW :eek: Call the cops, what an animal! Not even legal!

Morag

csi vegas wrote: »

EWWW :eek: Call the cops, what an animal! Not even legal!

17 is the legal age of consent in Ireland.

csi vegas

Sharrow wrote: »

17 is the legal age of consent in Ireland.

Here's hoping yer one knew that...but probably didn't care either way...
Yuk!

charlietheminxx

I've experienced being dropped by a friend and it is nasty.

She didn't do it in such a cruel way, but she got a new boyfriend, seemed to undergo a rapid personality overhaul and slowly froze me out. I know how much it hurts, because the person you were friends with just seems to have disappeared, and as we are younger than you and your friend, we weren't even as good friends for that many years. I can't imagine how you must be feeling.

The only thing I can suggest is to move away from the negativity. Bitterness and anger are such ugly emotions, and they solve nothing. Focus on your own life, you career, your new marriage. In time, other friendships will grow and strengthen, as you won't be focusing your energy on a friend who isn't doing the same for you. It feels like there's a hole in your life right now, but there won't be forever - life is a transient thing and we adapt better than we give ourselves credit for.

Let the past go. If she gets in touch, be the bigger person, and be civil and courteous (in the future you will thank yourself for it) but maintain a distance. Forgive but don't forget - you don't need people that you can't rely on.

I wish you all the best for the future.

Daisy M

Silly I think you need to remember that you werent the only one she dropped, her husband was also given the old heave ho. I think she did you a favour do you really want to be listening to her stories about scoring with teenage boys?

username123

Sharrow wrote: »

sounds like slash and burn tactics, some people do that.
They decide that they want to start over and they cut people who will call them on their bullshít and
drop them from their new life as those people remind them of the past.

Sounds like you got in the way of her re inventing herself and she dropped you.
It's poxy when it happens, esp if they turn nasty but its all about them when they do it and not you.
Doesn't mean you did a blessed thing wrong or deserved the hurt it just means shes messed up and tbh it's best that she cant drag you into her messes any more.

You'll never know why, you'll never get a reason you just have to detach and spend time with the people who really care about you and who do respect you.

Sharrow has really hit the nail on the head here. You dont fit in with how she wants to live her life now. She suddenly lost loads of weight and began to be treated completely differently than she ever had been, and saw herself differently, and wanted some of the action she presumed she missed out on in her old life.

Theres no way of you being in her new life without reminding her of her old life, hence, slash and burn.

I do feel for you, its very hard when a good friend just decides to have a personality transplant and turns into a different person than the one you were friends with. It has happened to me, not such a close friendship, but it still hurts. In my case the person contacted me 7 or 8 years later on FB and wrote a big long mail basically apologising for being so nasty to me and that they had always felt bad afterwards etc... I did reply, but it seemed to excite them into believing that the air was clear and we were now best buddies again and there was a new much longer email going on about how GREAT it was to talk to me again, and how much theyd missed me - I was like, meh, I didnt mind accepting the apology but I wasnt about to start holding hands and dancing round the maypole with them - the friendship was gone.

I understand how you feel about not wanting to be friends again, youd never trust them again, the sudden cold shoulder would always be in your mind and the knowledge that they could behave that way towards you so easily. It IS a bit like a romantic breakup - in terms of strength of feelings, you would love a best friend - of course you would!! Where it differs is that romantic break ups can happen reasonably amicably, if both people just dont have chemistry anymore - and could remain with good feelings for each other. But a broken friendship tends to run deeper I think.

As for close friends, you need to make some friends! The usual applies, join a club,do some classes, join a gym etc.... Accept invitations etc..

tinkerbell

OP, I don't think you are being unreasonable nor "needy". I think your former best friend has treated you appallingly and it is not surprising that you feel the way you did. You were best friends! Best friends tell each other everything, share their lives together, etc. Of course you are going to be upset if she just ditches you.

You completely did the right thing telling her not to message you anymore. Try to just forget about her now, she's not worth it. Yes you miss her friendship but think of why and how the friendship ended, and you won't be feeling sorry for yourself anymore.

silly

Thank you everyone for your replies.
Things are much clearer now.
I still miss my old friend, the one before the change. If I'm honest I suppose I didn't really like her new personality.
Everything was so superficial with her at the end, and the most important things to her in the end were material things, clothes, jewellery etc.
Conversation became a struggle.
Thanks again.

dsct92

Hi silly,

Milder albeit, but I've been in a somewhat similar situation and I know the frustration of going from being ignored to suddenly back in the picture again!

It seems to be that your friends realised that shes made a mistake. What she did to you was evidently over the top and totally unfair from anyone's point of view and you didnt deserve it. You have to remember though her marriage breakup could have really distressed her and was subconsciously taking out all of her anger on all the loved ones around her. And you never know, knowledge of your wedding and happiness could have released the green eyed monster in her!

I think she's testing the waters with you. She's too upset/ashamed to admit what she did, she misses you and she's hoping for forgiveness.

I think the FB message is an awkward offering of peace. You have to ask yourself whether or not you want this person back into your life. I think your best bet is to leave the ball in her court - maybe reply with just a "thanks " or something quite neutral - it leaves her to do all of the work, and you can figure out for yourself what she's really up to.

And in the meantime, try and take your mind off it! I know its really hard but it doesnt solve anything - believe me!

Hope I've been of help.

Morag

silly wrote: »

I still miss my old friend, the one before the change.

I understand that, it's like you are grieving your best friend, cos she's not there anymore. It's like there's some strange person walking around with her face and being hurtful to you when you are missing your friend and don't have the same closure as if they had died.

It takes time, even to this day I catch myself thinking, oh I must share that with X or X would get a good laugh out of that, but she's not who she was to me and I miss who they were before they went loopy.

silly

Sharrow wrote: »

silly wrote: »

I still miss my old friend, the one before the change.

I understand that, it's like you are grieving your best friend, cos she's not there anymore. It's like there's some strange person walking around with her face and being hurtful to you when you are missing your friend and don't have the same closure as if they had died.

It takes time, even to this day I catch myself thinking, oh I must share that with X or X would get a good laugh out of that, but she's not who she was to me and I miss who they were before they went loopy.

Yes, I think closure is a big thing here. One minute she was there, the next she was someone totally different and the next she was gone.
I often find myself wanting to tell her something. If I heard a song that was one of our favourite college songs, I want to txt her to tune into the radio. If I saw something online about a celebrity she liked I want to send her the link.
If I'm buying something new I want to send her on a pic to get her opinion.

I don't have a friend like her in my life anymore. My husband is great but just doesn't understand. I have lots of friends but none as close as she was.

Thanks for all the replies

Flashgordon197

In the past I have got terribly upset/sensitive over various issues with friends. Not going out enough with me. Not making effort. Not responding to various offers. You name it.

But I now accept the following
1) Nobody rejects you as people have images about people that can never be complete. They think they know you.
2) People have preferences for certain company thar might or might not include you. That does not mean you are a bad person. Sometimes the most popular people are simply those who tell people what they want to hear.
3) Most people have about three people (friends ) they can rely on Plus Family
4) Most people will let you down ast sometime. Its amazing how we forget this!

Forgive your friend if you want but protect yourself. By that I mean if she did it once (drop you) she might do it again but just keep in mind what I said -the vast majority of people will leave you down. Thats people. Its quite liberating when you realise that.

Maple

As the OP has not been back to this thread in 6 weeks, I am closing it.

Maple