Inlaws

LegacyUser

Im in a situation that i would appreciate advice on,

My inlaws are giving us complete hell, by us i mean my fiance and our 2 year old daughter.

bu inlaws i mean my fiances older brother his fiancee (childless -relevant later) and his parents.

long story short after being jealous of us having our daughter and being engaged before him the older brother and his GF set their wedding 3 days after ours.

recently my fiance found a post online dating back to when our daughter was 3 months old, his brother in the post was basically denying her existence and declaring his hatred of me. this upset him greatly,

it has also recently gotten back to us that they also went around telling people i was bipolar (im not)

my fiance was greatly annoyed about them trying to hijack or wedding day and he kicked up a fuss, we were basically told "tough luck we're not budging" by them and his mother asked him "not to make a fuss" and now all they have been doing behind our back has come to light.

only a few weeks ago the brothers fiancee on purpose (we know this for definiate) caused a massive row between my fiance and his parents to the point they didnt see their granddaughter for over a month.

now a friend of the family was overheard saying they were looking forward to a major event in the month before our wedding, when we spoke with my MIL today about it she changed the subject very rapidly, its not definite but is safe to assume they have now moved their date to the month before us.

i should add his parents are helping them with their wedding and helping them keep us out of the loop, that also hurts my fiance as he isnt even being told when his own brothers wedding is. he has never done wrong by his brother, and is hurt by all the wrong his brother is doing to him.


i feel like no matter what we do to have our day they are determined to spoil it, and our reputations amongst his family with it.

the reason im here is because my fiance is dreadfully upset, this is his family and they are doing these and much more awful things to us three.

not to mention the lack of a relationship his parents have with our child, (despite his parents protests that they would love to spend more time with her it never happens despite our attempts to build a relationship, the brother in law and his fiancee break it up somehow)


i hope this all makes sense, what do i do? i feel caught in this watching the two people i love most get so hurt! my daughter is 2 and its starting that i can see the negative effect being around them is having on her

qwertytlk

Familys are tricky at the best of times but this situation is ridicilous! And for your partners parents to be getting involved and taking sides is a joke. Why would the parents be taking the side of your bf's brother? Could that be because the brother is making up things to cause a rift between the parents and youyr bf? Or is there more to this story, or something else thats happened? I just ask because it seems kind of crazy for them to do that. Where is sibling rivlary usually the parents are the meidators, rather than the ones taking sides! But the relationship between your bf and his parents is obviously strained anyway if they fail to play a part in their grandchilds life. She is 2 now, so either this situation with the brother and his fiance has been going on since then or else there is some other issue with the parents.

Anyway, are there any more siblings? One who is not involved in this feuding? Or some other family member/family friend who could act as mediator so that you can all sit down and try work this out. Because if you dont, then these already strained relationships are likely to break down completley.

OS119

inlawannoyed wrote: »

...and our reputations amongst his family with it....

simply put OP, given how awful these people (and i use the term charitably), why would either you or your fiancé(sp?) care what they think of you?

look at how the lot of them behave - do you really, long term see you wanting your daughter to have a relationship with them, can you imagine if you emigrated to find work that either you or they would go to much/any effort to continue the relationship, or that you would be particularly keen on either his Parents or his Brother becoming guardians of your daughter should the pair of you fall under the proverbial bus?

my initial advice would be to cut the brother out of your life completely - he obviously doesn't like you (and by you, i mean your family group), or is a complete nutjob, and for your fiancé to give his parents an ultimatum - either treat his family fairly, or have no contact with you whatsoever.

if that fails to work, cut the parents out as well - if they choose to decide that they prefer the older brothers shenanigans to having a relationship with their grandaughter, then you will have absolute proof that these are not people you want around your daughter, and will have done her an enormous favour by negating their influence on her.

good luck, stay strong, always communicate with your fiancé and for gods sake present a united front, no matter how difficult.

Beruthiel

Were I in your position, I would do the following:

Maybe your b/f should write a letter to his mother explaining his side of the story.

Go off somewhere and elope, thus leaving them all out of your wedding and avoiding all the crap.
No stress and a wonderful, relaxed wedding. Invite a couple of friends along if desired.

Life is short, avoid dealing with arseholes were ever possible.
Let them off with it and no long engage in their sh!te.

LegacyUser

qwertytlk wrote: »

Familys are tricky at the best of times but this situation is ridicilous! And for your partners parents to be getting involved and taking sides is a joke.

This is how i (and everyone who knows the situation excluding his family) feel but apparently i am the only one, its frustrating to say the least.

qwertytlk wrote: »

Why would the parents be taking the side of your bf's brother?

its been that way since i met my BF they have never liked me, it start the first weekend my BF stayed over at mine, that same night his older brother was hospitalized with a stomach ulcer (hes perfectly fine now) his mother was awful to me since then, she admitted later after i confronted her that she blamed me because my bf wasn't home when his brother was ill (despite the fact the brother was in his GF house that night) and "she wanted her family all together" i told her this was ridiculous and she admitted it was but her behavior didn't improve towards me.

qwertytlk wrote: »

Could that be because the brother is making up things to cause a rift between the parents and youyr bf? Or is there more to this story, or something else thats happened? I just ask because it seems kind of crazy for them to do that.

this is where we are confused, we have no idea what is fueling the rift we can only assume. i know they always had a problem with me, but i thought after we confronted them we had moved past that, when we told them we were expecting our daughter the brother and his fiancee were there, they didn't help the situation, in fact his brother flew off the handle when they heard. (this is why i assume our family interfered with their 'plans' hence their behavior lately with the weddings.)

qwertytlk wrote: »

Where is sibling rivlary usually the parents are the meidators, rather than the ones taking sides! But the relationship between your bf and his parents is obviously strained anyway if they fail to play a part in their grandchilds life. She is 2 now, so either this situation with the brother and his fiance has been going on since then or else there is some other issue with the parents.

It was always amiable-ish its gotten much worse since our daughter came along. i really think the brother and his fiancee are using this to suit themselves at the expense of our family.

qwertytlk wrote: »

Anyway, are there any more siblings? One who is not involved in this feuding? Or some other family member/family friend who could act as mediator so that you can all sit down and try work this out. Because if you dont, then these already strained relationships are likely to break down completley.

there is a younger brother but he wouldn't be a mediating type, he's more a sheep who follows who ever is there, his aunts are similar they just follow the lead of my bf's dad. they are a very *hands off stick your fingers in your ear and it will all go away* kind of family.

his uncle (his mothers brother) is lovely, he knows whats going on and tried to mediate to no avail. he is overlooked or ignored alot by the whole lot of them. We usually meet up with him regularly and he agree's with us on whats going on with this but he is unable to help really.

OS119 wrote: »

simply put OP, given how awful these people (and i use the term charitably), why would either you or your fiancé(sp?) care what they think of you?

i don't, but my fiance and daughter do, i dont know why but he does care, its why im here, im hoping to vent/get some ideas on what we can do?

OS119 wrote: »

look at how the lot of them behave - do you really, long term see you wanting your daughter to have a relationship with them, can you imagine if you emigrated to find work that either you or they would go to much/any effort to continue the relationship, or that you would be particularly keen on either his Parents or his Brother becoming guardians of your daughter should the pair of you fall under the proverbial bus?

i personally dont, but then she is their granddaughter and i had fabulous grandparents they were my rocks, i guess i wanted the same for her. i have it set that in the event of the proverbial bus hitting that my mother gets our daughter (my sister is her godparent too) she is very close to them.

OS119 wrote: »

my initial advice would be to cut the brother out of your life completely - he obviously doesn't like you (and by you, i mean your family group), or is a complete nutjob, and for your fiancé to give his parents an ultimatum - either treat his family fairly, or have no contact with you whatsoever.

this is what my fiance wants to do, and has been cutting him out but its still effecting his relationship with his parents. he wont give his parents an ultimatum even though he wants to they just shout him down or guilt trip him and never let him speak his mind unless he's agreeing with them.

OS119 wrote: »

if that fails to work, cut the parents out as well - if they choose to decide that they prefer the older brothers shenanigans to having a relationship with their grandaughter, then you will have absolute proof that these are not people you want around your daughter, and will have done her an enormous favour by negating their influence on her.

this is exactly how i feel! but its not easy when its your child involved in this

OS119 wrote: »

good luck, stay strong, always communicate with your fiancé and for gods sake present a united front, no matter how difficult.

we communicate so much on this is unhealthily all we talk about lately! i am trying to stay strong but its really hard!

Beruthiel wrote: »

Were I in your position, I would do the following:

Maybe your b/f should write a letter to his mother explaining his side of the story.

that is a great idea, ill run it past him if he hasnt read it here already.

Beruthiel wrote: »

Go off somewhere and elope, thus leaving them all out of your wedding and avoiding all the crap.
No stress and a wonderful, relaxed wedding. Invite a couple of friends along if desired.

we seriously thought about this but i cannot do it to my family. i have a large family and they all have been so great to us we want to have them all there. we have already cut his parents out of our wedding plans as they were just using them against us.

Beruthiel wrote: »

Life is short, avoid dealing with arseholes were ever possible.
Let them off with it and no long engage in their sh!te.

i wish we could, hopefully someday.

thefeatheredcat

inlawannoyed wrote: »

its been that way since i met my BF they have never liked me, it start the first weekend my BF stayed over at mine, that same night his older brother was hospitalized with a stomach ulcer (hes perfectly fine now) his mother was awful to me since then, she admitted later after i confronted her that she blamed me because my bf wasn't home when his brother was ill (despite the fact the brother was in his GF house that night) and "she wanted her family all together" i told her this was ridiculous and she admitted it was but her behavior didn't improve towards me.

OP I'm sorry for your situation, but at least there's an indicator there as to where things started to be sour with parents, and probably if they were a close family or your fiancee was the type to just follow the herd before then, the brother most likely resents him not being there and is milking an incident that happened to him. What was your fiancée's relationship with his family like before you and he met, particularly with his brother? Was it as equally bad or was it better?

I was considering a couple of reasons for his brother's dislike of you... perhaps in a way, your fiancée stole his thunder in being the first to have a child, a long term partner, a wedding planned etc given that he's the eldest? Either that or just plain jealously, perhaps of you rather than your fiancee, particularly as you come across as having a mind of your own and are able to assert yourself and stand up for yourself, so could see that as a threat in some way. Whatever the resentment is, it has gotten to a situation that is beyond control.

I think it's sad regarding your daughter....but in the end, it's their choice not to be involved, and one day they will turn around and regret it.

There doesn't seem to be anything that you can do, really. For the sake of your daughter, despite the rift between the family, I wouldn't go hiding the details from her as she grows up, as in don't blacken out that side of the family. She will have questions for you all one day and maybe as she ages, goes to school, has all those firsts, she could end up being the peacemaker or glue that brings you all back together.

I would just say it's their choice that they want to be like this, and there's nothing exactly awful that you did on either side (and certainly not your child) to be on the receiving end of this behaviour, but I would just count your blessings and enjoy the families that you have who are taking time for you to be involved, particularly the uncle that has listened to you and tried to mediate. I'd cherish that relationship, perhaps in time they'll realise the harbouring an unhealthy grudge for little or no reason in which they'll forget what started it all and try to mend bridges burnt. For now, those that do care about you are the ones that matter, the rest is just making you unhappy and for that reason shouldn't consume your lives that are meant to be living for those who bring something positive to it.

LegacyUser

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

OP I'm sorry for your situation, but at least there's an indicator there as to where things started to be sour with parents, and probably if they were a close family or your fiancee was the type to just follow the herd before then, the brother most likely resents him not being there and is milking an incident that happened to him. What was your fiancée's relationship with his family like before you and he met, particularly with his brother? Was it as equally bad or was it better?

not better per se, he let me read his diary he kept when he was about 10, now i am aware as children we tend to exaggerate a bit, but one post struck me and has remained stuck in my head since, they are big into their rugby and the parents had taken the older brother to dublin to a match, and left my fiance behind with his grandparents (now to be fair he preferred spending time in his grandparents as it was quiet in their house and he is a quiet kind of guy) but i still felt so heartbroken for him and it does seem to be a pattern of behavior with them to favor the eldest.

from what i've heard from stories told, it was a situation where the eldest led the younger two and the younger two followed and everyone was happy, when i met my BF he used drive me mad if i asked him a simple question like "what do you want to go see in the cinema?" all i'd get is " whatever you want" so i suppose i didn't help by encouraging him to make up his own mind a bit more.

thefeatheredcat wrote: »

I was considering a couple of reasons for his brother's dislike of you... perhaps in a way, your fiancée stole his thunder in being the first to have a child, a long term partner, a wedding planned etc given that he's the eldest? Either that or just plain jealously, perhaps of you rather than your fiancee, particularly as you come across as having a mind of your own and are able to assert yourself and stand up for yourself, so could see that as a threat in some way. Whatever the resentment is, it has gotten to a situation that is beyond control.

to be fair i believe it to be a combination of the above. and if you read the essay ive written above i think you have hit the nail on the head with the above, i really appreciate it actually, because if someone here with only the basic run down of over 2 years of this could reach the same outlook on it, maybe im not so far off the mark.


i guess the problem is we are on a time limit because i would rather not have to deal with all this on our wedding day,

like if we don't invite the brother and his gf (which my Bf is now seriously considering) we'll have his parents in a huff for the day blaming us.

if we dont invite them all, we offend them, and will get questions from other relatives (who will probably be instructed not to attend) and its not fair on my BF he really wishes his family would just be supportive and happy for him like they are for the brother.

i mean you'd think they'd love their own grandchild and son enough to want to be there regardless of their opinion of me.

OS119

inlawannoyed wrote: »

...i mean you'd think they'd love their own grandchild and son enough to want to be there regardless of their opinion of me.

you'd think that, but sadly the world is full of utter throbbers.

the way you've described it - though, obviously, you're the expert because you're on the scene - it sounds to me more like the issue is being driven by the brother and his harridon lovely wife, with the parents just following his example like some lobotomised sheep.