The comparison trap

LegacyUser

When I go out on a night out, I always feel out of place.
Im smaller than average and slim build and when Im in a pub/club, I feel unnoticed and like I dont belong. It especially hits home when I see my reflection in the bar mirror and Im in between these bigger guys, 6'0+, stocky, able to handle themselves, and theres me in the middle of them looking pathetic.
Its been brought to my attention a lot recently that women seem to put a big emphasis for height and broad shoulders, rugby player physique as far as what an ideal man is. And I think to myself I cant compete with that at all and start to feel hopeless.
I amnt a loud and boisterous guy either, Im rather quiet and to the point so doesnt help either I guess.
Probably just an overall lack of self confidence that I am constantly battling but I just thought Id throw it out there for people to comment.
thanks

sarahbro

You need to stop comparing yourself to other guys. Not every woman wants the men you describe. You need to remember that. You're the perfect man for your perfect woman
I love my fella to bits but i know he's not everyone's cup of tea (in looks) but i think he's amazing! Its all down to the individual. There could be girls looking at your rugby type mates and thinking uuugh! Try have more confidence and that'll shine through more than anything

Whispered

Honestly - rugby type bodies and "loud and boisterous" really really turn me off. I would be quiet and pretty shy and would well prefer a proper chat rather than spending the evening listening to the loud and boisterous types. It's just not interesting. I think many women feel the same.

However another thing that would put me off is a lack of confidence, some of the sexiest men in the world have not got built bodies, in fact I can think of one or two who haven't got great faces either, but they ooze confidence and that's what makes some women go weak at the knees. So if you have to fake confidence, then do it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for that sarahbro and whispered. It goes a way towards feeling better about myself.
I do say to myself that no man can be all things to all people but I dont really believe it sometimes. I just need to find more self belief and leave everyone else to themselves.

wylo

I agree, you're looking in the wrong direction, with your mindset, even if you DID have broad shoulders etc, you still wouldn't be confident and women would spot that. Because you're looking at the physical features as being the correct and better way to be, your not looking at the mind.

Confidence has a two fold effect.

1. You become ridiculously comfortable in yourself so it doesnt bother that you dont look like the rugby players/whatever. So thats one problem out of the way, feeling crap about how you look, as a result, you are happier in general.

2. You dont care as much about what women think in terms of that end of things ,and as a result you become far more attractive (obviously dont push it by purposely becoming a fat bastard lol).

Im no casanova, im not with women that often because I dont go on the pull enough.
But, what I do know is this, most women, and yes even the really good looking ones, would way prefer a bloke that is genuinely calm and comfortable in himself even if he had slightly imperfect features over a bloke who is not comfortable in himself even though he looks more "the part". Thats my take anyway, then again, maybe its just the women I prefer are those type of women so I dont notice the other ones.

Women must have some sort of secret beacon in their brains their not telling us about that picks up confidence, because whatever the hell it is, its really weird, because the differences are so subtle.

BUT, I would say acting confident works if you persevere, and by the way, acting confident doesnt mean become loud and boisterous.

C14N

It's probably not something you should worry about but if you can't shake this anxiety, why not try and bulk up a bit? I used to be kind of self-concious about my size (I'm around 5'9", at the time 55kg) and I joined a gym last year.

I only managed to keep it up for a few months before the Leaving Cert took over but I got a lot fitter and stronger from going 2-3 times a week and spending no more than an hour each time. I didn't even spend the whole time at weights or anything, usually about 20-25 minutes warm up on circuit training and bikes at the very least. If you do start working out, you will start eating a lot more too and as long as it's healthy, you can add a good bit of weight without getting fat. I went from 55kg to 65kg in the time I was there.

Unfortunately, I've kind of dropped off a bit since but it doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I'd like to go back but nevermind me:)

Alopex

There's no doubt tall guys in good shape have it easier than other men and don't let anyone on this thread kid you otherwise. What women say they're attracted to and what they are actually attracted to are usually worlds apart.

Its something you just have to accept in order to deal with. You can't get taller but you can easily get in good shape. The monthly cost of a gym is probably half what you'd spend drowning your sorrows on a night out

Improve your style to compliment your figure. Work on stories for chatting to women. Get a fashionable hairstyle. If you wear glasses get sorted with contacts or laser. Realise women are often just as insecure as you. Force yourself to smile when in a club - it quickly becomes natural and makes you seem more confident.

Everyone's got disadvantages so you'll have to just make the most of what you got.

baby and crumble

Alopex wrote: »

There's no doubt tall guys in good shape have it easier than other men and don't let anyone on this thread kid you otherwise. What women say they're attracted to and what they are actually attracted to are usually worlds apart.

Its something you just have to accept in order to deal with. You can't get taller but you can easily get in good shape. The monthly cost of a gym is probably half what you'd spend drowning your sorrows on a night out

Improve your style to compliment your figure. Work on stories for chatting to women. Get a fashionable hairstyle. If you wear glasses get sorted with contacts or laser. Realise women are often just as insecure as you. Force yourself to smile when in a club - it quickly becomes natural and makes you seem more confident.

Everyone's got disadvantages so you'll have to just make the most of what you got.

TO me, this is not the best advice I've ever seen, in particular what I highlighted. Seriously, girls don't make passes at guys in glasses? I agree with getting a confidence boost from taking care of your appearance, but there are genuinely women out there who don't necessarily find big bulky guys attractive, just like there are men who don't neccesarily find the scarlett johansons of the world more attractive than others.

Alopex

baby and crumble wrote: »

TO me, this is not the best advice I've ever seen, in particular what I highlighted. Seriously, girls don't make passes at guys in glasses? I agree with getting a confidence boost from taking care of your appearance, but there are genuinely women out there who don't necessarily find big bulky guys attractive, just like there are men who don't neccesarily find the scarlett johansons of the world more attractive than others.

If you play the numbers game - big well built guys are always gonna do better. Obviously some guys with glasses get girls but at the end of the day you're advertising a genetic defect.

Pointing to the exceptions to the rule isn't gonna help this man's chances. He's not doing well now so I reckon he's best doing what he can to improve his chances

ILikeBananas

Hi OP,

Like yourself I'm shorter than average and slightly built. I also used to be self conscious about it. At some stage though, I can't remember when, I just accepted it. I'd be attracted women who are the same height or smaller than me and in general women in this country aren't very tall so it's grand (I went to Holland a few years ago and I don't think I could live there as I'd feel like a midget). You do see a lot of small women with really tall guys but some women also would prefer someone who's not towering over them.

When I was a teenager we used to go to these teenage discos where people would literally get their friends to approach someone they liked and ask them if they wanted kiss you "Will you shift my friend?". At these events the emphasis was all about looks and the biggest and best looking guys in the gang used clean up. However when we graduated to nightclubs and you had to do your own chatting up the emphasis completely changed and now personality and confidence was the biggest factor.

So in a nutshell, accept yourself for who you are, make the most of what you have, have some self belief and then just go for it.

Neyite

Some girls love glasses on a bloke. Before I got settled, the "4-eyed" would always get a second look from me. I have no idea what it was, but it floated my boat let me tell ya!

I am tiny, and there are lots of women who are around my height, I have gone out with guys nearly 1.5 feet taller than me, and some seriously built guys, but they never really did it for me. My ideal was the guy that I could make eye-contact with, without getting a neck crick. And massive muscles are a right turnoff after a while. I prefer slimmer blokes, with decent muscle tone, and maybe a head or so taller than me. My partner can rest his chin on my head and thats a perfect height difference, he is also a medium in clothes, yet has perfect muscles tone. Much prefer that to a guy built like a brick sh!thouse.

LegacyUser

I knkw where you're coming from OP; I am 5 ft 6 and I wish I was taller. In fact I just this weekend I saw a bird I used to fancy and she was with exactly the type of guy you described (bulky, tall, macho "rugger-type").
It's just shallowness on their part, I wouldn't worry about it. How many times have you read those dating profiles where the women always describe their ideal man as being " 6 ft or over" (frequently they will not reply to anyone under this height who contacts them)
By doing this they are automatically discounting loads of fellas who might suit them just on the basis of their height. Does that seem sensible? Thought not.

LegacyUser

Alopex wrote: »

If you play the numbers game - big well built guys are always gonna do better. Obviously some guys with glasses get girls but at the end of the day you're advertising a genetic defect.

Pointing to the exceptions to the rule isn't gonna help this man's chances. He's not doing well now so I reckon he's best doing what he can to improve his chances

Sorry, but this is horrible advice. I think in a lot of cases the reason the big, well built guys do so well has as much to do with the confidence their appearance gives them rather than the appearance itself. Of course guys with glasses get girls, and not just 'some' either.

Telling him that he's got no chance unless he does al he can to change his appearance isn't going to help his chances either. If anything it's going to make his confidence worse.

Personally, I'm a 5'5 guy who weights around 55-60 kilos. So hardly the big well built type. Yet recently I've gone from getting no interest in girls at all to having some of the most attractive girls I've known showing an interest than me. At least one of them being significantly taller than me. And it was all down to confidence. Just relax and talk to a girl, trust me, It'll do you a lot more favours than getting laser surgery :P

Distorted

What on earth makes you think that women only like the rugby player build? I would say thats a pretty specialist liking, I know plenty of female friends and myself find that type of loud, hefty, heavy drinking male deeply irksome. Some guys are so samey and you find yourself longing for one that can actually think for themselves rather than roam in a herd! A more sensitive, shy guy can also be appealing, as long as he talks to out you one on one, and makes interesting conversation, and isn't a complete wimp! Most women like discussing a variety of topics and being asked about themselves.

I would say though that the woman that hit bars and clubs where the big built guys/rubgy type tend to be are more likely to be the ones that are drawn to that type. Its a cliche, but you will find more individual thinking woman in places that attract more of that type of person. eg sports clubs, a shy male friend has recently had great success after taking up ballroom and Ceroc dancing.

ongarboy

yardbird77 wrote: »

I knkw where you're coming from OP; I am 5 ft 6 and I wish I was taller. In fact I just this weekend I saw a bird I used to fancy and she was with exactly the type of guy you described (bulky, tall, macho "rugger-type").
It's just shallowness on their part, I wouldn't worry about it. How many times have you read those dating profiles where the women always describe their ideal man as being " 6 ft or over" (frequently they will not reply to anyone under this height who contacts them)
By doing this they are automatically discounting loads of fellas who might suit them just on the basis of their height. Does that seem sensible? Thought not.

Just because some or even most girls are attracted to guys who are tall and have rugby player builds, why is that shallow? Are all guys with that description devoid of decency and nice personalities? No! Girls go for that type the way some girls go for guys with glasses as proved by other posters here. Everyone has different things that do it for them. Is a guy shallow if he goes for a beautiful, slim girl who conveys happiness with herself rather than an overweight, not conventionally good looking girl who never smiles?

I'm guessing OP, you are comparing yourself to guys that you wish you had similar attributes to - ie taller, bulkier, more confident. I think those comparisons and envy can manifest itself into resentment and therefore why some then call those people as arrogant and cocky (sure some are but so are some not very good looking weedy types). Try and accept who you are and make efforts that help improve your self esteem and hence confidence (grooming/new clothes/hairstyle, maybe a bit of weights/gym training etc) and learn to like yourself and personality more rather than comparing to others as being happier with yourself is something that attracts others.

Duke Leonal Felmet

comparison trap wrote: »

When I go out on a night out, I always feel out of place.
Im smaller than average and slim build and when Im in a pub/club, I feel unnoticed and like I dont belong. It especially hits home when I see my reflection in the bar mirror and Im in between these bigger guys, 6'0+, stocky, able to handle themselves, and theres me in the middle of them looking pathetic.
Its been brought to my attention a lot recently that women seem to put a big emphasis for height and broad shoulders, rugby player physique as far as what an ideal man is. And I think to myself I cant compete with that at all and start to feel hopeless.
I amnt a loud and boisterous guy either, Im rather quiet and to the point so doesnt help either I guess.
Probably just an overall lack of self confidence that I am constantly battling but I just thought Id throw it out there for people to comment.
thanks

Most women I know consider the men you just described as ****. As a guy, I also consider them as such.

I have a mate just like you, small and not exactly boisterous (aka loudmouth tosser), and he met an attractive lady and is happily married.

Keep the faith, and try looking in places other then clubs. Why not join the boards drama group, for example?

sharper

comparison trap wrote: »

When I go out on a night out, I always feel out of place.

In a "night out" environment preferences are going to be skewed. Guys (and girls) that look a certain way, act a certain way will do better than others. Usually that means some idealised physical attributes (height, build etc), fashion sense and outgoing/confident personalities that attract a lot of attention.

So either you can try to compete in that environment by emulating what seems to work or you can try to find a new environment that's more suitable both for you and what you're looking for.

Alopex does make a good point: What people claim to be attracted to and what they are actually attracted to are often quite different. Really all that matters is what the type of girl you are attracted to is attracted to.

LegacyUser

OP here,
Thanks all for the helpful advice. Youve given me hope!
I need to get it in my head that there are girls out there who 'appreciate' what I have to offer, physically and personality wise.
Its a work in progress. I think I need to pay attention to detail like body language, suitably dressed etc. Sure, if a girl doesnt fancy me for whatever reason, move on.
Thanks guys

C14N

briiann wrote: »

Telling him that he's got no chance unless he does al he can to change his appearance isn't going to help his chances either. If anything it's going to make his confidence worse.

This is true. I'm far from an expert on picking up women but I do know I have seen some average-ugly guys who have good looking girlfriends. It's clearly not all about looks.

BraziliaNZ

Duke Leonal Felmet wrote: »

Most women I know consider the men you just described as ****. As a guy, I also consider them as such.

I have a mate just like you, small and not exactly boisterous (aka loudmouth tosser), and he met an attractive lady and is happily married.

Keep the faith, and try looking in places other then clubs. Why not join the boards drama group, for example?

I'm not "stocky", which usually means fat bad diet but broad shouldered, but I lift heavy and and am in good shape and have big shoulders and I'm 6ft.
Does this automatically make me a w*anker? Jesus, talk about insecurities. Tonnes of women like tall guys and guys with big arms, some don't. Simple.

Duke Leonal Felmet

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Duke Leonal Felmet wrote: »

Most women I know consider the men you just described as ****. As a guy, I also consider them as such.

I have a mate just like you, small and not exactly boisterous (aka loudmouth tosser), and he met an attractive lady and is happily married.

Keep the faith, and try looking in places other then clubs. Why not join the boards drama group, for example?

I'm not "stocky", which usually means fat bad diet but broad shouldered, but I lift heavy and and am in good shape and have big shoulders and I'm 6ft.
Does this automatically make me a w*anker? Jesus, talk about insecurities. Tonnes of women like tall guys and guys with big arms, some don't. Simple.

I am very secure in myself. A very confident person.

Thanks for your concern.

foxyboxer

baby and crumble wrote: »

TO me, this is not the best advice I've ever seen, in particular what I highlighted. Seriously, girls don't make passes at guys in glasses? I agree with getting a confidence boost from taking care of your appearance, but there are genuinely women out there who don't necessarily find big bulky guys attractive, just like there are men who don't neccesarily find the scarlett johansons of the world more attractive than others.

On a seperate point. I have rarely 'scored' when I wear my glasses. I find I get more attention when I'm specless. So there's an element of truth to this.


Also since when does being 6 foot plus, stocky and looking like you can handle yourself make one a Wanker?

parker kent

foxyboxer wrote: »

On a seperate point. I have rarely 'scored' when I wear my glasses. I find I get more attention when I'm specless. So there's an element of truth to this.

That could be down to your perception of glasses (more confident without them for example) or it could be down to the particular glasses you wear. I find my glasses get me attention.

foxyboxer

parker kent wrote: »

That could be down to your perception of glasses (more confident without them for example) or it could be down to the particular glasses you wear. I find my glasses get me attention.

True. Maybe I do feel more self-concious with glasses.

parker kent

foxyboxer wrote: »

True. Maybe I do feel more self-concious with glasses.

I love glasses and I'm drawn towards girls wearing glasses, so I feel confident with my glasses. I just think that really nice glasses suited to the person makes them look great. I was out recently without them and I felt wrong somehow. I find the whole glasses=unattractive thing weird really.

estar

Personally over confident loud and sporty types aren't my bag. Neither are guys that are total walk overs. Intelligence is what i'd look for and confidence. I'd have nothing in common with someone who spent hours working on the muscles. Be interested in women listen to them make them laugh yet work on the confidence people feel about you how you feel about yourself. Say positive things about yourself in your mind and believe them. be self possesed in a quiet way. You canT be a six foot rugby star and I can't be a super model. however there are many ways of being attractive it starts with you. Oh and good grooming and a sense of style. And manners.

C14N

On the glasses issue, I don't think it matters greatly. So many people wear glasses nowadays it barely even registers. I know I often think girls look really attractive in glasses but maybe its different the other way round.