Advice on contacts with very recent Ex

LegacyUser

Hi all, hope you can help me with this.
After three years of relationship (we are in 30's) we broke up a couple of days ago. This was coming for some time with much discussion. My partner claims to no longer love me but I finally (I think!!) got my head around it lately and we split.

Question is since splitting a couple of days ago we have not spoken but have been texting back and forth (very friendly) very regularly. Is there a ray of hope here?

Thanks for replies.

I am a friend

A bit of advice on ex texts wrote: »

My partner claims to no longer love me .

Op why would he say this if it weren't true? It would be the last thing I would say to my oh right now. He is letting you go - again if he still did love you, why would he take this risk.

You are not dealing with the facts and reality here. He could be still texting for a variety of reasons- habit, comfort, loneliness etc etc but don't take it that he wants you back. If that were the case and hr had the balls to say he doesn't love you anymore then he would have the balls to say he wants you back.

The only way you will heal is cut contact entirely. The above is very harsh and my heart goes out to you but you are only delaying the healing by believing what isn't there.

ElleEm

I agree with I Am A Friend. You have to cut contact to fully get over him.
I could understand if you could get back together after a row where the split was in the heat of the moment, but if it's been a long time coming, AND he said he doesn't love you any more then the split is probably final. He cannot have changed his mind about the lack of love in a matter of days.

Three years is a long time to be with someone, so maybe the texting is more habit and comfort, for both of you.

floorpie

I agree with everyone's 'cut contact' idea, but point out that, if they're contacting you consistently after only breaking up a few days ago, and if you *want* there to be a ray of hope, then the best option would still be to cut contact. S/he sounds dependent, and you know what they say about absence and fond hearts. If you keep answering their texts there's a risk of emotionally supporting them through their 'grief' and make breaking up easier for them.

"I think it would be best if we didn't talk for a while", cut contact, improve life.

A0

A bit of advice on ex texts wrote: »

Hi all, hope you can help me with this.
After three years of relationship (we are in 30's) we broke up a couple of days ago. This was coming for some time with much discussion. My partner claims to no longer love me but I finally (I think!!) got my head around it lately and we split.

Question is since splitting a couple of days ago we have not spoken but have been texting back and forth (very friendly) very regularly. Is there a ray of hope here?

Thanks for replies.

Cut contact.

LegacyUser

Thank you all for input. Still ongoing with greater frequency and even calls. I'll play it out and see what happens, if I wind up helping her get over me then so be it. Thanks again.

Miss Fluff

A bit of advice on texts wrote: »

Thank you all for input. Still ongoing with greater frequency and even calls. I'll play it out and see what happens, if I wind up helping her get over me then so be it. Thanks again.

You're totally kidding yourself if you do this.

If you do this you are going to drag it out ad nuaseum and then turn around scratching your head when you've "helped" her get over the breakup and she has gone and got herself a new boyfriend. You'll end up feeling hurt all over again (and like a numpty to boot for allowing it to happen).

You both need a clean break. Stop this nonsense of "helping" each other get over the break up, it's false psychology and ultimately will stop you moving on and making a fresh start.

Quit with all correspondence. You are no longer together and any contact is going to provide you with these rays of hope you speak of when in actual fact none exist. I'm afraid it's over and you have to accept it.

Sorry, but it's that simple...

PennyLane88

Cut contact. Simple as. Why on earth would you want to help this person get over the break up? They initiated it did they? They just want to have their cake and eat it - kinda to keep tabs on you, find out what your up to.

Had an ex like that - granted we didnt go out for 3 years, but when he decided to break up with me and get back with his ex within a week, he still wanted to play the friend card, i was raging.

Have more self respect than that, find someone who wont treat you like that.

floorpie

PennyLane88 wrote: »

Why on earth would you want to help this person get over the break up? They initiated it did they?

Like he said...."Is there a ray of hope here?", he's clinging on to any shred of hope, which is understandable, EXCEPT...

He's working against himself on several fronts. If he wants to get back together, this wont necessarily help. If he wants to move on, it wont necessarily help.

Let me put it another way, OP, it's not attractive to look like you've so few options that your only choice is to cling on. If you'd been discussing the problem of her not loving you for a long time, like you said, then it wont hurt to come across as being a bit more attractive. Calling her (potential) bluff, minimizing contact, and looking like a decisive strong-willed guy, has a more favorable risk/benefit ratio than waiting for her next call does.

Btw i only said that "it'll help her get over you" thing because you said you're clinging on, but a far worse scenario than helping her move on, even though you mightn't realise it yet, would be to stop *yourself* from moving on, which this is also doing. Sounds like you're going to play it out anyway.