gaining back trust

LegacyUser

Hi all, advice on helping an ex trust you again:
I met Mike in 2005 when I was living abroad, he was really into me and I loved being with him, but I was not ready for a full relationship as I was only 23 and he was older (30 at that time). I went back to Ireland to finish my studies and we broke up – it was a 3 month relationship. He appeared on my doorstep in ireland by surprise once after that and I told him I wasn’t interested in a relationship at that time. Some months later I changed my mind and realised I loved him, but he was already in another relationship that lasted 3 years – until 2008.
During that time I had a relationship with somebody else, also 3 years duration but we broke up. In 2009 me and Mike decided to meet up in a third country to see how we felt about each other since we had been in touch by skype and email a lot. When we met, I felt very pressurised and it was only for 3 days and I sort of flipped out by the idea that he wanted so much from the meeting; so I told him I did not want to have a romantic relationship with him at that time – again.
Since then we never really stopped chatting or caring for each other, but only by distance emails and skypes due to living in different countries. We said we would be friends; but he never told me his mum was dying until she died last winter; I was shocked when I heard. I was at the other side of the world and didn’t go to the funeral either. He went through a lot of stuff without me.
This month I am in his country and since I arrived one week ago, he has met me every day and we are so close and I realised how much I love him. But last night at 2am, after an amazing evening together, he sent me a text saying that he doesn’t know what is going on – “we are more than friends, I don’t know if I love you as a sister or what but this is making me feel bad. I’m sorry to tell you this but I am too weak for this”
Then he called me, but the line was so bad we couldn’t talk.I could only hear him saying “I cant rely on you”. I know he has every right to think this, but I truly wish to give him my heart and be there for him. I didn’t tell him anything about my feelings until last night on this awful phone line – I don’t even know if he heard me say ‘I love you’; and that is the first time I’ve ever said that to him.
What can I do to help him trust me, to understand that I would love to make this into a relationship. I am at my wits end as I think I can loose the best thing that ever happened to me
Please help

Bodhidharma

This is . . . . complicated. From what I gather, ye live on opposite sides of the world and you are in his country for a month?

It sounds very confusing and my question is how can you love someone that you have spent so little time with in the last six years? It sounds like a holiday romance that has been idealised to a great extent.

Also you haven't mentioned any sexual aspect to it, maybe he's saying he's confused and all that just to get you into bed?

I could be totally and utterly wrong on both points, but I'd be weary if I were you.

Also what you said has absolutley nothing to do with trust, you did nothing to earn his distrust.

LegacyUser

OP here; Thanks for the reply – to clarify; We both live in Europe now, I was at other side of the world last year when his mother died as I had a job there. I am back now, and am flexible about where I can live and work; I decided to go to his country because Ireland was not great for jobs and also more expensive to rent a flat etc. I will be here for one month for sure, but if this relationship were to work out; I could stay here or we could have a distance relationship that would be manageable (same timezones, two hour flights to Ireland).
There was no sexual aspect, not because I didn’t find him attractive, but because I knew how much it would have meant to him and I knew that I was unsure about getting into something so serious in the past. He was very intense about our relationship and I believed him when he said that he loved me. I just don’t know if he still does, or if he would take the risk of being with me when I rejected him twice. The trust is getting him to believe that I am serious and I want to try make this work since I flaked out twice in the past.

Mighty_Mouse

My 2c.......
It seems the need for permanent answers to big questions is freaking ye both out.
You're trying to solve the impossible.

You can eat chocolates, ride the ferris wheel, & tickle each other pick for 3 days & all you will know is you get on pretty well with this person.
There's no 1 definite eureka moment.
There 100's & 1000's over time.

Start small. Are the raw materials in place for a possible relationship?
Are ye both in a the same geographically location?
Do ye both still like each other? etc
All the obvious stuff.

If so, see how things go today, tomorrow, next week etc.
Who's know's?
This could be a 1month fling or a 10 year rollarcoaster.

The only thing that is certain is what happens during the time spent between ye today