Should I have had more sex?

LegacyUser

I was a bit of a late bloomer and didn't loose my virginity until the whooping age of 23. The first girl I slept with we were in a relationship.

The second girl I slept with is my current partner. I love her very much and think she may actually be "the one". I have a small problem however. I feel like I should have had more sex.

My girlfriend has slept with a good few people, I don't mean that in a mean or bad way. But I sometimes feel jealous or resentful of the time she spent single and doing wild things, and worry I've missed my time.

The thing is I don't want to break up with her either. I just also feel like I've missed out.

I don't know if it is a case of the grass been greener...

Has anyone been in myshoes? Advice, etc

Taltos

OP - this has nothing to do with you having less sex than her - however it is all to do with you learning how to cope with your jealousy. Even if you had slept with more people there is a good chance you would still not be comfortable thinking of her with other men.

Whatever she did before she met you is really none of your business once you are not in physical danger from any of her choices. You really need to let this go as if you don't then this will fester and your relationship will suffer greatly from it.

Jerri Jordan

If youir having good satisfying sex now with a girl you love , then you are missing out on nothing!
I had a similar situation with my now husband. He was pretty shy growing up and only had sex with 2 girls before i met him at age 26. I thought he was the hottest guy on two legs and he was so underconfident the lad didnt believe me. Anyway we got together and 5 months in he panicked cos he felt i had more experience and he was missing out. Also he had new found confidence cos i was always telling him he was amazing. So he dumped me and went off to sow his oats !
one month later he got in touch told me he had been a fool and asked me to forgive him. He had seen that the grass is in no way greener. He had given up real intimacy and love for what nothing but stupid random moments and feeling akward and all the rest that goes with one night stands.
Anyway I said, ON YER BIKE , he kept at me and i kept saying no you had your chance. So he proposed, after only 5 -6 months . I did forgive him and we did get married and we have been for 5 years now.

So what im trying to say is, the grass is not greener. and if you leave her now , you may not be so lucky as to ever get a second chance with her.

And believe me any one nighters she had with guys, were probably crap for her. she was prob looking for Mr right and she has him now so dont feck it up.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Be very careful now, the thoughts you're having could lead you to dumping "the one". Fast forward a couple of months and you're going to be sick, one night stands are not what they show in films. In the spirit of honesty I will admit I've never had one, I've only ever slept with 2 men, my current long term bf and my ex (also long term). I had a pretty similar coversation with my friends, not that I was thinking of ditching my current bf, I was more just curious about ONSs. Anywho, all my friends male and female agreed that meaningless sex, while a laugh is ****ing pathetically crap compared to the sex you have with someone you actually know and love. It's usually drunk i.e not good, it's very awkward, you're essentially inside someone (for a guy) or have someone inside you (for a girl) who you don't know, you don't know what they like, how to please them etc and so it's very mechanical and you generally walk away feeling crap. So yeah I know the grass is always greener etc but look at what you could loose!!! Maybe stop thinking about the number of people you've had sex with and concentrate on the sex you're having with the woman you love, a LOT of single people would give anything to have what you have. Don't throw that away based on what you think other people are doing, MTV, magazines etc do not represent real life, not everyone is going around having orgies. So yeah think long and hard before you do something stupid, your gf may not be as cool and understanding as Jerri Jordan, you might not get a second chance with her.

Best of luck.

Siuin

In my opinion, if this girl really was 'the one', you wouldn't have a desire to sleep around. When you truly love someone, the idea of sleeping around with loads of other randomers simply shouldn't appeal to you anymore. I'd really recommend you look at this current relationship and see what's really missing

LegacyUser

Are you feeling inadequate because your girlfriend has had more lovers than you have? Or is there something more to this? A fear of settling down?

I've had some wild times and a few one night stands along the way but you know what? I'd trade every single one of them in for the chance to have someone in my life that I loved and loved me back. One night stands are over-rated in my opinion. They're nothing more than an itch to scratch and after the deed is done (not always as enjoyable as you'd think), they can be plain awkward.

Jerri Jordan

Siuin wrote: »

In my opinion, if this girl really was 'the one', you wouldn't have a desire to sleep around. When you truly love someone, the idea of sleeping around with loads of other randomers simply shouldn't appeal to you anymore. I'd really recommend you look at this current relationship and see what's really missing

I dont know i kinda disagree with this. Its human nature to still have the urge to roam. But most people resist the temptation cos they know what they have at home is ten times better. Fantasy sex rarely lives to the hype. You will come up against moments in your life when ur tempted , men and women alike. We are only human, and it doesnt mean you are not properly in love with your partner.
I have had one nighters, and looking back I really do not know what I got out of them. For the most part i was drunk and looking for a connection with somebody. I dont think its much more differnet for guys. Except guys can orgasam easier. Women need more of a mental connection and to feel totally relaxed to orgasam.

Siuin

Jerri Jordan wrote: »

I dont know i kinda disagree with this. Its human nature to still have the urge to roam. But most people resist the temptation cos they know what they have at home is ten times better. Fantasy sex rarely lives to the hype. You will come up against moments in your life when ur tempted , men and women alike. We are only human, and it doesnt mean you are not properly in love with your partner.
I have had one nighters, and looking back I really do not know what I got out of them. For the most part i was drunk and looking for a connection with somebody. I dont think its much more differnet for guys. Except guys can orgasam easier. Women need more of a mental connection and to feel totally relaxed to orgasam.

I don't think it's human nature to want to roam- it's the will of many people for sure, but it's not something inherent, and I am aware of many (myself included) who never particularly wanted to

syklops

Siuin wrote: »

In my opinion, if this girl really was 'the one', you wouldn't have a desire to sleep around. When you truly love someone, the idea of sleeping around with loads of other randomers simply shouldn't appeal to you anymore. I'd really recommend you look at this current relationship and see what's really missing

Utter Rubbish. Maybe for you 'true love' means you dont look at another guy, but for most people it is not as black and white as that. Do people in 'true love' not look at porn either?

The fact is very few of us are sure he or she is 'the one', and we look at other people and go "hmm, maybe thats what I want". Some people are lucky they select who they want and thats it, but for many if not most people its not as clear cut. They just make decisions and hope its the right one.

There are an awful lot of single men and women in their 70s and 80s who were waiting for the 'one' and left making a decision too late.

Life isnt like the movies.

Siuin

syklops wrote: »

Utter Rubbish. Maybe for you 'true love' means you dont look at another guy, but for most people it is not as black and white as that. Do people in 'true love' not look at porn either?

The fact is very few of us are sure he or she is 'the one', and we look at other people and go "hmm, maybe thats what I want". Some people are lucky they select who they want and thats it, but for many if not most people its not as clear cut. They just make decisions and hope its the right one.

There are an awful lot of single men and women in their 70s and 80s who were waiting for the 'one' and left making a decision too late.

Life isnt like the movies.

I'm not going to make this thread about my interpretation of love (as it doesn't exactly help the OP) and I'm well aware that life isn't like in the movies, however, from personal experience when one is looking for something more outside of the relationship, it more than likely means there is something lacking in their current one

Jerri Jordan

I get the feeling the OP is young enough early twenties and i think that at that age young men can feel pressure from friends and society to have sown their royal oats as it where. It sounds like he is really happy and he loves her. He is just overthinking and reading too much into having what he see's as missing out on single life.
Put it this way OP if you have bought a genuine Da vinci painting, you really dont need to go out and buy imitation paintings to compare the original too. They will never live up.

LegacyUser

Hey OP,

I'm gonna give u a bit of a different answer. I was in ur shoes - first boyfriend was also the first sex and first love. A few years into it, in my mid-20's I started wondering about casual sex and being single again.

It's normal - most ppl dont end up with the one they started out with in their early years, we need a few different relationships, experiences and yes- sexual experiences to learn and grow. We talked about my feelings of needing to experience the world and we agreed to split and try new ppl - this was the start of the end and we broke up a little later.

Do I regret it - well, I lost someone who at the time I thought was the 'One' only to later discover that I learned a lot about my body, how to please myself, what i wanted in a relationship, what was on offer in the singles market and tried a few different types of guys.

I now have a better idea of what I want and how to ask for it both in the bedroom and in the relationship which makes me stronger for it. I'm still single and looking -there's no guarantee that jumping ship leads to another relationship but that said, I think it was the right move for both of us.

So yeah - it's a case of the grass is greener, but probably also a feeling like something isn't quite right with what u have. listen to ur gut and try figure out whihc is more likely. btw - ONS can be enjoyable if you accept them for what they are, I've had good sex and bad sex and yeah, it can be messy with emotions tied in, but it can also be just a bit of fun between adults and kind of liberating.

Gannicus

Hey O/P

Don't worry, nobody likes to think of their partners sex life before they are with them, and look at it this way; you've not picked up any STDs. So in one respect it might be uncomfortable for you knowing you're not as experienced but that'll come with time but in the other you're clean of any nasty little infections and you should take solace in that. Plus it obviously doesn't bother her so just relax and enjoy what you have with her NOW and not dwell on the past.

ILikeBananas

This might be controversial but I think men are genetically predisposed to want to have sex with as much women as possible. It's simply a matter of evolution. If a male wants to ensure the survival of his hereditary line then the most efficient thing is to mate as much as possible with as many women as possible.

However, having said that this does not give men a licence to cheat. Whilst a man may have this biological urge to cheat he also has a moral obligation to his current mate.

So yes, OP I believe it is perfectly normal to wonder what else is out there but it's going to be an itch that you cannot scratch so don't ruin a perfectly good relationship over it.

gypsy_rose

I'm not going to say ONS sex is bad, because really that would be a lie, it can be good. But that doesn't really matter, because once you're actually getting with them how they look or whatever just doesn't really matter all that much when you're getting down and dirty, you're just getting with them for sex and not much else. Whereas you have someone who you can have sex with who is also your friend and companion.

Don't bother worrying about the ONS, it really is the type of thing that sounds great but is just not that big a deal when you do it, most people who have one nighters with people because they need sex would gladly swap with you, so be happy with your lot

LegacyUser

Jerri Jordan wrote: »

I dont know i kinda disagree with this. Its human nature to still have the urge to roam. But most people resist the temptation cos they know what they have at home is ten times better. Fantasy sex rarely lives to the hype. You will come up against moments in your life when ur tempted , men and women alike. We are only human, and it doesnt mean you are not properly in love with your partner.
I have had one nighters, and looking back I really do not know what I got out of them. For the most part i was drunk and looking for a connection with somebody. I dont think its much more differnet for guys. Except guys can orgasam easier. Women need more of a mental connection and to feel totally relaxed to orgasam.

I actually disagree with the above. My husband was my first, I lost my virginity at an also whooping age of 24. I do not feel like I've missed out. The idea of having sex with a stranger does not appeal to me personally, I can imagine I would feel very hollow after the experience. Before I met my husband, being inexperience bothered me. Now I couldn't care less, I have met the man of my dreams,and we both know what makes each other tick. Why would I want anything else. Similarly for him, he only had 1 drunken ONS before me, and I'm pretty confident he is not wishing he had more time to sow his oaths. I guess it depends on the person...

I guess I would tend to believe that if you were truly happy with your girlfriend you wouldn't have such thoughts. Everyone's different though, but if you do really love her, just be glad you found the one, as not everyone does. ..

LegacyUser

When you talk about your girlfriend being experienced are we talking about double teams, orgies etc. or just multiple sex partners? Most Irish women will be more experienced in that regards and most men will never get threesomes etc. so I wouldnt worry about it. If its multiple partners then who cares if you've found the ONE partner.

vicecreamsundae

Do you just feel like it's a pity you haven't slept with more people, or do you think you'll miss the buzz of meeting someone new, first kisses, AND sex?

if it's just a case of numbers of sex partners, i'd say stay with your girlfriend. if you think you're missing out on the whole experiences and excitement of meeting different people, I'd think about parting ways.

in the end, you need to weigh up your options -it's a pretty clear trade off. Personally, I think if you really felt she was the one, while you might think about sleeping with other people, you wouldn't be considering it to this extent.

i do think it's better to make this kind of decision as soon as possible rather than go out with her for another 2 or 3 years and then tell her you want more experiences.

Bear in mind that being in two long term relationships could quite possible mean you've had a lot more sex than some of your friends who've slept with more people.

Jerri Jordan

ILikeBananas wrote: »

This might be controversial but I think men are genetically predisposed to want to have sex with as much women as possible. It's simply a matter of evolution. If a male wants to ensure the survival of his hereditary line then the most efficient thing is to mate as much as possible with as many women as possible.

However, having said that this does not give men a licence to cheat. Whilst a man may have this biological urge to cheat he also has a moral obligation to his current mate.

So yes, OP I believe it is perfectly normal to wonder what else is out there but it's going to be an itch that you cannot scratch so don't ruin a perfectly good relationship over it.

I actually believe both men and women are genetically predisposed to want to have sex with more than one partner. I think women historically had their natural urges slowly conditioned out of them with the beginning of the agricultural revolution and through religious persecution. I truly belive that however im 100% faithful but I can appreciate a fine looking man when i see one.