Still love her but its too late.

LegacyUser

Hi everyone. I'm a 28 year old guy who is a long time poster but needless to say going anon for this.
Back in Christmas 2008, i met a girl and subsequently fell madly in love with her. We went out for the next 10 months and for the most part it was wonderful. The sex was great and we just really clicked. i used to make her laugh and treat her to a meal and made an effort to see her every weekend. She lives an hour away from me but was working in Dublin whereas I was based down the country so it was a long distance relationship. There was an age gap too as i was 25 and she was 21 but at the time it didn't seem a big thing.
We slept together for the first time 6 weeks into the relationship on Valentines night and the week after I told her i loved her and i meant it with every inch of my body. She reciprocated and I was on top of the world. I felt I had met the love of my life and that we would get married and have all the things i always wanted like a house and kids with the perfect woman. She was the first and only girl who ever met my parents.

Fast forward onto September and it had all unraveled with other aspects of my life soon to follow. Tension had crept in and i noticed a big change in her attitude toward me and this despite us both having a decent holiday 2 weeks prior. We had a massive row one Sunday morning and i didn't hear from her all week despite that evening wishing her safe home.

By Friday i had become fed up and disillusioned with the whole thing so foolishly i text her to ask if we were finished. i wasn't happy with the way she had behaved and i was really pissed off but my anger turned to sheer heartbreak when she told me she no longer seen a future for us, that she felt I didn’t love her and when I corrected her she said she loved me but on a different level and that she was sorry to lead me on.

i cried myself to sleep that night and for the next few weeks things were really really tough. i cut off contact from her as im sure she did me, despite saying the night we broke up that if things were different in the future we might get back together which i didn't hold my breath about tbh.
My life got further worse when i lost my job before Christmas that year. iin truth i absolutely hated the job despite giving my best for the company but the prospect of unemployment just diminished any bit of self esteem i had left.

I happened to bump into her brother and one of her friends separately on a night out in June the following year. When asked by both about the relationship or if we had contact I said we hadn’t been in contact but that I still held her in the highest of regard. The following night I got a text from her asking me how’s things etc and if i was out in town. I was over the moon. I suppose the texts were sporadic for the next few months but I know for a fact she was really busy in that period.
That said I got to the point where I felt we would never get back together as our lives were very different. I had gone back to college myself at that time and was stressed out the first few weeks. I ended up deciding to cut all contact and giving her the cold shoulder on a night out but it’s something I have regretted since. Late that night she text me to say ‘That’s it I think’. For the next few months I done my own thing and tried to forget about her and move on but every so often I would think about her and the times we had. This sounds extremely sad and pathetic but I used look at her facebook page to see how she is doing but one day I seen her having moved on with another guy looking so happy and my heart absolutely shattered into a million pieces. At that point I realised that I have lost the only woman I have ever loved and probably contributed through my own stubbornness and arrogance.
I sent her a text back in September apologising for my carry on and I wished her well. I never heard back from her and to be fair I can understand why she doesn’t want me in her life any more.
The last few weeks she has been on my mind quite a bit and I feel like just bursting into tears and when I thought about her last week when driving I bawled my eyes out. I realised had I been maybe more considerate and communicate better with her we might still be together. God forbid I die in the morning but I don’t want to go to the grave with her thinking that I never loved her or that she didn’t mean a thing to me because I did love her and I still do. She is one of the most important people that ever entered my life. I have tried dating other girls since and I find myself maybe comparing them to the spark I had with her and to be honest nothing comes close to the way she made me feel.
Im finding it hard to cope and I know im not doing myself any favours but I want to know if anyone has experienced this before and how they would cope. Sorry for the long post

Virgil°

Doesn't look like you did anything to truly wrong to regret. She fell out of love with you back then, probably made up a row because she wasn't happy and then spent a week away from you to make her mind up about it.
It happens all the time. Its happened to me several times. I'm fairly sure its the way the majority of relationships end to some degree.
Your subsequent contact with her was nothing more than her being curious about how you're getting on. And when she realised you hadn't moved on she cut contact again.
The reason that your dates since have fizzled out is because you aren't over her. Give yourself time and you will be. That's all you need.

LegacyUser

Virgil° wrote: »

Doesn't look like you did anything to truly wrong to regret. She fell out of love with you back then, probably made up a row because she wasn't happy and then spent a week away from you to make her mind up about it.
It happens all the time. Its happened to me several times. I'm fairly sure its the way the majority of relationships end to some degree.
Your subsequent contact with her was nothing more than her being curious about how you're getting on. And when she realised you hadn't moved on she cut contact again.
The reason that your dates since have fizzled out is because you aren't over her. Give yourself time and you will be. That's all you need.

thanks for the reply. i suppose its only when i seen her moved on it hit me like a ton of bricks. you always have this romantic notion in your head that beyond all the madness your meant to be and things will work out in the end like a movie i suppose. i can remember her telling me the night we broke up to say i was the only guy she had ever cried over. i can remember her once telling me during our relationship that she never felt the way about anyone that she did about me and yet im still in the dark as to how she really felt during our relationship. its a terrible place to be in. ive being doing alot of running and weights recently as it helps me if only temporarily. i think if anything it all happened so fast.

Chinafoot

OP, I don't mean this in an offensive way, but you sound very intense. Do you think that maybe she didn't feel the same about the relationship as you did? I don't know many 21 year olds that think about marriage and houses and kids so its quite possible that she felt things were a bit too serious too quickly.

To be quite honest, I think the best thing you can do is just try to forget about her and move on with your life. The relationship is over. She clearly didn't feel the same as you did which is why she ended things and you really do need to accept that.

I really don't see her coming back to you so please dont waste years pining for a woman that doesn't want to be with you.

Move on OP. Best of luck.

beks101

She's not the 'love of your life' or 'The One and Only' and you didn't screw it up. You fell in love, hard and fast, and ten months later she fell out of love. Nothing you did or said could have prevented that, it's unfortunately just the way the story goes sometimes.

Fortunately though, you don't just get one shot at love. Don't buy into this bullsh1t that 'no other woman will ever come close' - this isn't a movie, this is real life where partners split and move on and meet other partners and so the cycle continues. If you're smart, you take what you've learned from your heart ache in previous relationships to strengthen your new one, though that's not always the case, love is not logical.

There are countless women out there, you just can't see it because your heart and mind is closed to them right now. Be strict with yourself and cut all contact with your ex - that includes the facebook stalking, you're just going to drive yourself mad. It seems to me like you never got the closure you needed, you always clung onto hope. She's happily coupled up with someone new now - there's your closure. She's moved on, nothing can or will happen, it's time for you to do the same. Delete her number, delete all previous texts and emails and focus on building a better life for yourself from here on.

Now is a great opportunity to re-connect with old friends, make an effort to meet up as often as possible, stick with the gym stuff and maybe branch out and take up a new class, if you're still in college join a few clubs and socs. What about online dating? Maybe you should think about setting up a profile, make an effort to chat to some girls you find attractive, just get yourself out there. I've been dating for years and I'll tell you this - you often have to trawl through a lot of false starts, lack-of-chemistry situations, personality clashes and unrequited romances before someone compatible emerges. That doesn't mean your ex is a one-off, it means you happened to get lucky that night in December 2008. It will happen again, once you open your mind to it.

But mainly, be kind to yourself. Cry if you need to cry, it can be incredibly healing. You'll get through this. Millions have before you and millions will after you. Love's just a wicked game sometimes

LegacyUser

Hi. Thanks everyone for their replies. I realise i might sound intense but that’s more or less my current state of mind coming through my posts. For the last two years my head has been spinning when i think about it.
I never did discuss marriage or children with her but even prior to meeting her i had planned on building a house and moving out of my parent’s house. Yes i had thought that maybe someday that it could become our home and that she would become the mother of my children but i realise i felt love maybe too hard and fast for our relationship to become long term sustainable. I used to see the way she was with my little niece and she even bought her a birthday present and i also seen how her little sister looked up to her and i knew that this was the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the girl i wanted to have my children.
I had forgotten to mention and it’s crazy really. Despite things being a little tense between us we had slept together on the Saturday night a week before we broke up though the sex was different than usual and i could see she had something on her mind. Communication was the weakness in our relationship. I find it hard to express myself verbally at times as i have had alot of emotional baggage built up in my life due to bullying i suffered as a kid and i was having a difficult time at work around the time we broke up. I cant help feeling that maybe other factors of my life affected my relationship
The fact she was similar meant that any future was doomed for us if either or both didn’t change our ways. I sometimes wonder maybe if i had fought for her that bit more that week we weren’t talking what may have been or if i could have been a bit more romantic or taken more interest in her life on a few more occasions.

i respect all the views from the posters and thank everyone for taking the time to share in whats been a tough period and in particular the last few weeks.

Chinafoot

Heartbroken guy wrote: »

Hi. Thanks everyone for their replies. I realise i might sound intense but that’s more or less my current state of mind coming through my posts. For the last two years my head has been spinning when i think about it.
I never did discuss marriage or children with her but even prior to meeting her i had planned on building a house and moving out of my parent’s house. Yes i had thought that maybe someday that it could become our home and that she would become the mother of my children but i realise i felt love maybe too hard and fast for our relationship to become long term sustainable. I used to see the way she was with my little niece and she even bought her a birthday present and i also seen how her little sister looked up to her and i knew that this was the girl i wanted to spend the rest of my life with and the girl i wanted to have my children.

While you may not have specifically said the words "I want you to be the mother of my children" your intensity and seriousness are unlikely to have been hidden from her. The age difference is just a few years but at that age there is often a huge difference between a 21 year old and a 25 year old in terms of life goals and experience.

You're obssessing over a relatively short relationship that ended two years ago. I think you should consider speaking to a counsellor as you seem to be completely unable to move on from this.

snotboogie

Couple of things. First and most importantly, you need to accept that the relationship you formerly had with this girl doesn't exist - and will not exist in the form you had known - ever again. E-V-E-R. You want it to be one way, but its another way, and the disconnect between those two realities is where your pain is coming from. Speaking from personal experience, once you're able to really come to terms with what is causing your pain, that pain becomes much easier to understand, and then deal with.



Secondly, you need to come to understand the fact that you DO NOT need this woman in your life. And it is a 100% immutable fact of the universe that you don't. If you never speak to this woman again your life will go on, the sun will rise and you will eventually be interested in other females. These are facts.

Lastly STOP BLAMING YOURSELF. Especially stop obsessing over inconsequential texts and subliminal messages at the tail end of the relationship. I can guarantee that these little things made no difference to the outcome. The only mistake that you made was sending the text to apologise, reading your OP I can see nothing that you did wrong over the course of your relationship. Ye just wanted different things and were at different stages of your lives. Also she isn't as perfect as you make her out to be, if you can't stop thinking about her at least focus on the negatives. As George Bernard Shaw said "Love is a gross exaggeration of the difference between one person and everybody else" So move on man, the sooner the better......

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

While you may not have specifically said the words "I want you to be the mother of my children" your intensity and seriousness are unlikely to have been hidden from her. The age difference is just a few years but at that age there is often a huge difference between a 21 year old and a 25 year old in terms of life goals and experience.

You're obssessing over a relatively short relationship that ended two years ago. I think you should consider speaking to a counsellor as you seem to be completely unable to move on from this.

Ya im considering it. its definitely good to talk but as you can appreciate its harder for men to offload whats going on in our heads as its seen as weakness. i suppose i suppressed how i really felt about the breakup for a long time and i had alot of other things going on in my life but everything has just came crashing in down on me all of a sudden.

Chinafoot

Heartbroken guy wrote: »

Ya im considering it. its definitely good to talk but as you can appreciate its harder for men to offload whats going on in our heads as its seen as weakness.

Well no I can't appreciate that at all. I think thats a complete cop out and a seriously outdated attitude. Its your mental health you're talking about here. Take it seriously and go and talk to someone.

baggypants

BIG +1 to beks101 post, I suggest reading beks post a few times OP i found myself in your position not so long ago ,I took the advice that i found on here and i have to say it helped me greatly
even though i did'nt start a thread i was reading threads that people started who where in a similar position i was in ,The best thing now is to come to terms with the fact, that chapter in your life has finshed and you have started a new one a better one ,
Like beks101 said break all contact ,delete her number and stay away from her facebook page etc ,and i would also advise you to see a counsellor for your own well being, you will feel a lot better afterwards ,i was like you ''im not talking to a counsellor im as hard as nails' attiude,i finally stopped kidding myself and went and it was a great pressure release,

LegacyUser

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well no I can't appreciate that at all. I think thats a complete cop out and a seriously outdated attitude. Its your mental health you're talking about here. Take it seriously and go and talk to someone.

Dont take me the wrong way i totally agree with you and i believe that a problem shared is a problem halved absolutely. But i cant talk to any of my friends or family about how im feeling emotionally as there is almost a wall of silence built up and they would probably brush it off as nothing. hence thats the reason i suppose ultimately that perhaps so many suicides take place in ireland. so i have to find other ways of getting my feelings across such as this forum or sometimes it helps me to just write it down and as i said i do running, the gym and boxing.

all the things said it here i totally take on board and it has helped because i was at that crossroads and things needed spelling out for me.

stratowide

Some good advice on here for you OP.I've been in your situation before and it does hurt like hell.


My biggest mistake was not accepting 100% that it was over.99% is not enough.You have to be honest with yourself and admit that there is zero chance of reconciliation.The process of letting go then can start.

Only then can you start to heal.Cry,cry and cry again,It really will do you good.

You need to cut ALL contact,texts,calls,facebook...anything that connects you to her.If she contacts you ignore it,get rid of all reminders of her in your house.

Keep yourself busy,get fit..Do stuff you have been putting off for ages.
Alcohol,self pity,hope(of a reconciliation) are not your friend's.
Put yourself first,treat yourself,look after yourself..You are your no.1 priority.

In time you will begin feel better.

The pain you are feeling is so hard to take because you invested a lot in the relationship.You invested it in your heart.

Be strong.Good luck.

LegacyUser

I am of the opinion that if things LITERALLY change out of the blue its usually after the other half has met someone. I mean a gradual deteriation can be someone falling out of love but a sudden problem generally means the OH has slept with someone else and no longer feels attached. This could be why she was uninterested in sex the week before you broke up. Shes 21 and knowing Irish girls probably got drunk and slept with someone. Im sorry to tell you that. I could be VERY wrong but in my experience thats generally what happens when things suddenly go pear shaped.

LegacyUser

id like to thank each and everyone of you for taking the time out in your lives to help me through this and some brilliant and caring advice on offer it must be said.

As i said previous it has been tough and emotional. it was probably easier when i was oblivious to her new relationship and i suppose i always had hoped we'd sort things out but i suppose when i seen her having moved on it was tough blow to the system. i felt maybe the original breakup could have went better and it left an awful residue in me for a long time. She had said back then 'Sure we might get together again in the future if things are different' and i wished she hadn't as that planted the seeds of hope that i have carried for so long.

I realise what im doing to myself is not healthy now and that i need to embrace the world again. I know its a big world out there with lots of terrific people and ultimately now i have to salute my past and embrace the future.

BraziliaNZ

Heartbroken guy wrote: »

I had forgotten to mention and it’s crazy really. Despite things being a little tense between us we had slept together on the Saturday night a week before we broke up though the sex was different than usual and i could see she had something on her mind.

What was on her mind was that she didn't want to f*ck you anymore. Not a nice situation for either of you to be in. It also means she will never come back. Trust me kiddo.
Read "snotboogie"'s post, it's probably the best post I've ever read on boards, and advice that makes sense to me having been in a situtation like yours when I was your age.
Live the rest of your life knowing that your internal happiness is the most important thing in the world, try and break free from your anxieties and worries of the past and future, and next time you have a girlfriend you wont fall for her the same way, you'll love her but you wont need her to fill voids in your heart and your life because there wont be any voids anymore. C'est la difference.

LegacyUser

thanks to everyone for their advice. its helped so much.

snotboogie

BraziliaNZ wrote: »

Read "snotboogie"'s post, it's probably the best post I've ever read on boards, and advice that makes sense to me having been in a situtation like yours when I was your age.

Thanks man, I'm not sure why the video was deleted because I see it as an important part of the post. I used "you want it to be one way" as a mantra and it helped me to get over a girl when I was in a similar situation to the OP. I watched that video a lot to drill the point home, even if it is said in a very different context the message is the same.

Ickle Magoo

snotboogie,

The video was removed because posting YouTube links is not permitted on this forum.

Please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter before posting again.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi all just an update.

So i suppose the girl in question was playing on my mind alot since my last post but every day got a little easier and while i really wanted to move on there was still an itch i needed to scratch.

So i wrote a letter getting everything off my chest and enclosed it in a christmas card and sent it to her (i know i probably shouldnt have but id regret it more if i didnt i think).

i told her in the letter that i understood why the breakup occured which after much analysis i realised that i wasnt making her feel special anymore and that i was preoccupied with other aspects of my life that were making me unhappy. i told her every emotion i felt over the next year or so and that it would have been along time before i felt ready to get back together. i told her she was amazing and that whoever came into my life or where i am in the world i would never forget what she brought to my life.

So that was pretty much it and life went on. Bumped into her brother over xmas and he said he was sorry that things didnt work out and that the family reallly liked me. Really nice thing to say and it helped me no end.

So over the next 8 weeks of the new year life went on and every day got a little easier and then tonight i got a text out of the blue saying she felt it wasn't fair i sent a letter to her so close to xmas but felt she owed me an reply. She told me she met a great guy around Sept 2010 (a time we came close to getting back together) and that they live together in Dublin now. She said she hopes i find someone or have found someone nice.. she said she is glad i can now understand the reasons why we broke up and that she was glad that life was going well for me.

I replied back that she owed me nothing and that i was really happy for her and that it just wasnt meant to be i guess and what i felt for her was so strong that it was hard to control my emotions when it ended. I thanked her for what she brought to my life.

Tonight has been such a release in one sense. there is an element of sadness i suppose still and i accepted long ago that an eternal flame will always burn for her regardless its just something i just have to live with. But over the last few weeks and months ive realised that life can go on and that there is life after a broken heart and id like to thank those on this thread who contributed. i found my self thinking about her less and less thought the fondness remains the same.

Nothing in life can ever prepare you for meeting someone so suddenly and falling so hard and fast but if my story could help others cope then id be happy with that.

thanks again everyone

Taltos

As OP's issue is resolved we are closing this now. Thank you for the update.