not about love or sex

LegacyUser

I have to go unreg for this, always paranoid that people know my username! Please bear with me...
I just broke up with my boyfriend of nearly 3 years. There were many, many reasons mostly associated with our different lifestyles, wishes for the future, finances, priorities and generally practical reasons which were getting me down so much that I couldn't see a future for us. The fact is, I still love him and our sex-life was fine. The very reason I've stuck out the other problems was for the very fact that I love him, we have chemistry together and we have good sex. I don't want to be with any other man. If I did want another man it would be more to do with a desire to meet someone I could do things with, someone with some kind of motivation but not because I have other sexual needs that weren't being met.
The way it was is that the practical issues were making me not bothered with sex towards the end because I saw no future. It sounds weird but the two were kind of interlinked. I'm not so young (33) and I wanted things he couldn't give me - but that's not sex!
So anyway he's upset, and when I try to explain all my reasons (for hours on end!!) he sums the whole thing up with "fine so you want to go and f*** someone else". Its so frustrating! He just won't listen, and looks really really hurt. I don't want to hurt him or make him feel inadequate. I still love him, but I don't want this kind of relationship anymore.
How can I convince him and why do men tend to narrow everything down to sex?

Neyite

Its easier for him to compartmentalise you dumping him with the "go f**k someone else so" comment, because then it absolves him from any responsibility to make said relationship work.

He does not want to consider the other factors, and differences in where you both want to go because that means acknowledging that maybe if he met you halfway he would still have a happy girlfriend.

Though not all men are like this, a lot of them can separate their emotions from sex, women (generally speaking) less so. If your emotions are entertwined with sex, then if you are unhappy in a relationship, you dont want to have the intimate act that is associated with love and trust.

The only way you can prove him wrong is to not go out and f**k someone else. If thats what you want. Personally I would give up on trying to convince him and leave him in his deluded denial of the reasons for break up. You cant convince him, not yet anyway.

Zen65

unregistered wrote: »

How can I convince him and why do men tend to narrow everything down to sex?

You cannot, so stop trying. You have told him, he has chosen to interpret it as a slight on his sexual performance, probably an indication that he is well aware that this was his key strength.

In time he may come to understand. He too will find another relationship, and if it turns out to be somebody more compatible in a practical way it may finally occur to him what the two of you did not have.

And it is not men who narrow things down to just sex, it is this man, and only now because that's the bit that hurts him the most.

Be at peace,

Z

Lisha

Hi OP

i know you feel badbut you cant make some one see something unless thay want to see it. You are not responsible for his feelings neither are you the cause of his reactions.
He needs to deal with his grief/anger in his own way/time.

Concentrate on yourself, do what ever makes you happy, but you CANNOTfix him. THats his choice how he deals with things all youo can do is look afer yoursels and now that means readjusting your life to being without him.

Best of luck with your future,

I am a friend

It's a cop out. He is not willing to take any responsibility for his part in the breakup so is clamping down on this reason for the breakup.

Why do you care what he thinks?

LegacyUser

it's not about sex, but it's about love.

you dont love him enough to bear his differences from you.

you are doing a very good thing to let him go to find someone that he is compatible with and who would appreciate him for who he is.

and in the meantime, make yourself happy. take care of yourself. you've made the decisions and be firmed this is a right decisions and never look back.

you will meet someone that is compatible with you to love.