Really awkward family issue

LegacyUser

Hey

Ok, well a bit of background. We are a close family. There's just us 2 girls and my mum and dad. I'm 30 and my sister is 32.

Myself and my mum and dad would be quite non confrontational submissive people, my older sister has always been a bit left of centre, bit of an anarchist but also can't be part of a family meal without allowing herself to be irritated by everyone else. She always knows more than the rest of us about everything (even if she doesn't) and as the rest of us are quite easy going we just kind of accept it. I think we do pussy foot around her to an extent but none of us lose any sleep over it - it's just not worth waking up the dragon if you know what I mean. Overall - we all know how to avoid pushing each others buttons we are all grown ups - so it's fine.

So, my sister rescued a greyhound just after Christmas last year, we've always had cute lil terrier dogs at home but that would have been too conventional for her. She's gotten really obsessed with the dog and joined every greyhound rescue group going - all her facebook statuses relate to animal welfare and animal cruelty etc - that's not a bad thing, everyone in the family loves animals.

Anyway, so every single time this greyhound visited my family home it would go crazy trying to get at the family cat - the cat is 12, much loved, they have 3 dogs at home who are mad but the cat rules roost! Anyway, so generally the greyhound is on a lead but on this occasion she called without having the dog on the lead - the dog shot in to the kitchen where the cat was asleep grabbed her and shook her, threw her up in the air etc. I wasn't there but apparently they stopped her after 3 seconds and the cat seemed ok but was clearly in a lot of pain the next day so we took her to the vet who said she'd a lot of broken ribs, punctured lung, damaged diaphragm and that was before he even took a proper look, he figured a cat of her age wouldn't survive the surgery and treatment it would take to bring her back so we put her to sleep . Obviously we are all devastated, because we've lost our cat but also because of the circumstances surrounding it. My sister feels terrible, yet is being really difficult and now refuses to put a muzzle on the greyhound when it calls to the house.

they still have 2 shih-tzu's and a mini yorkie at home - the mini yorkie is less than a year old and I've seen the greyhound play quite rough with her before. The vet even said that greyhounds should be muzzled around any small animals whether they are dogs are not.

I think my parents just want piece of mind that when the dog is there they can relax, because my sister is quite highly strung at the best of times none of us know how to communicate with her on this. She's said she's not going to call over to the family home without her dog, therefore she's not calling over any more and she couldn't possibly put her dog through the discomfort of wearing a muzzle (never mind the cats discomfort).

The worst part is she's already made plans to get a second greyhound, she can't even handle one! All of us are just sad we lost our cat but even sadder that she's taken this attitude like we are stupid and we don't know anything about greyhounds so we have no right to ask that the dog wear a muzzle.

It's turning in to a feud, I was supposed to go a play with her the other night and she basically threw me out of her house and said she didn't want to go anymore 30 minutes before it started because we had been talking about the cat. Any advice about how we can nip it in the bud would be great

Thanks

Chips Lovell

Your sister is being unreasonable here and ultimately resolving the situation is up to her. Her dog killed your parent's cat and she's unwilling to do anything to prevent a repeat of it. All she has to do is put a muzzle on the dog or just not bring it when visiting your parents. That's the very least your parents could ask of her. It's not like they're demanding the dog get put down or anything.

Have you put it to her that if she's so concerned about animal welfare, she seems very unmoved about the possibility of her dog killing or injuring other animals?

ILikeBananas

Let's look at the facts.

Sister brings dog to house
Dog indirectly kills cat
Sister refuses to learn from her mistakes and blames the rest of you

Madness!


Just from the information that you have given, it seems like your sister has trouble accepting authority, whether it be from your parents, the vet or whoever. We all need a bit of rebellion in us growing up but part of growing up is also knowing when to compromise. Your sister sounds extremely immature and frankly has no "cop on".

Your family is completely in the right here so it's time to put the foot down and let her know that she cannot bring her dog(s) around unless they are muzzled for the safety of the other animals in the house. If the price for this is not having her call around then so be it. If you give in to her on this then you're not helping either party in the long run.

mathproblem

I'm sorry you lost your cat, lost my dog recently at about the same age,it's hard to lose something that's been part of the furniture for a long period like that.

I'm sure somewhere inside your sister must be feeling shame and guilt over what's happened, especially if she's the animal lover she professes to be. It is probably something she is not even able to acknowledge within herself nevermind to others.

These ways of acting in the world/defence mechanisms are something that develop in childhood and throughout our lives. You and your parents have no hope in hell of breaking those barriers down or getting through to her at this stage. She is a 32 year old adult it will be up to herself if she ever wants to look inwards and face up to herself.

All you can do is keep the rule/boundary crystal clear and stick to it like glue. "The greyhound is not coming in unless it is muzzled & on a leash." Don't argue over it, don't try to reason with her or explain the reasons for it, or the ins & outs. Don't get emotive. Simply explain the rule and if she comes over with the dog unmuzzled, simply say "I'm sorry you can't come in like that", close the door and move on.

She may not comeback around for weeks out of stubborness, but you'll have to let her come to her senses on her own if that's the case.

Pebbles68

Sorry OP I really can't see what's awkward.

Your sisters dog killed your family cat, the vet has warned her the dog is a danger to small animals and your sister is trying to bully your family into letting her have her own way inspite of the danger to your dogs.

You and your parents have spent your life letting your sister get her way. She now expects the same will happen and she's holding you to ransom by refusing to visit without her dog.

For once you and your parents need to be strong and firm. It doesn't need to be a fight and no voices need to be raised. Simply tell your sister the house rules, they are not negotiable and that's final.

solovely

My sister sounds exactly like yours (and we're the same age as you guys, except have younger siblings too), not in the anarchist way, but in the walking around on eggshells/ getting her own way because people are afraid of her reaction type of way.

She's currently not talking to me or my Mam over something way more petty than your issue.

I can't really offer much advice, as I know what it's like, and I appreciate the other people's suggestions of just standing up to her and telling her like it is, but I know the drama this creates with my own sister, and how it upsets my Mam so much when she has one of her episodes, so I don't know if it's worth it. If she's anything like my sister, she will see this as you guys saying the dogs are more important than her, and won't be able to see things rationally, or even if she does, won't admit to it.

Maybe you can have a quiet word with her, tell her your parents are really upset over the cat still and that maybe for now she could consider it, or could leave the dog outside tied up, and tell her you'll see if your parents mellow (they shouldn't, but it will give ye all time to get used to the new arrangement). Or you could suggest, she comes over to the house with the dog, and you, your Mum and her take her dog for a walk and she goes on home then. Weird and uncalled for I know, but I think it's about taking it in little steps and hopefully eventually she will come around without creating a big drama and leading to more heartache for your parents!

Let me know how it goes, as am currently racking my brains as to how to get my sister around this time....
Families, who'd have em?!

OS119

OP, perhaps you could enlist the Law in your search for a solution?

it is, one assumes, a criminal offence to allow a dog to kill another animal. you could use that on your idiot sister, and if it fails you could use it on your parents - you could persuade them that if they allow your sister and her unmuzzled dog into the house, and that unmuzzled dog kills one of their other dogs, that they too could be prosecuted.

i have no idea of the law in this regard, and if your parents are in a similar situation you could use that ignorance to scare them into action.

perhaps the dog forum (there must be one...) might be helpful in this regard.

C-J

I've been around greyhounds my whole life as my granddad trains them and they are beautifully gentle dogs (we used to ride them around the garden like ponies at 3 and 4 yrs old!) However if they spot a small dog or cat they go CRAZY and so must ALWAYS be muzzled when walked or taken out. No offence but has your sister got a partner or anything, she sounds unhealthily attached to this dog!!

username123

pleasemakeitgobacktnormal wrote: »

.....my sister is quite highly strung at the best of times none of us know how to communicate with her on this.

How to communicate with her on this: "You cant bring the greyhound into the house unmuzzled." End of.

pleasemakeitgobacktnormal wrote: »

She's said she's not going to call over to the family home without her dog, therefore she's not calling over any more and she couldn't possibly put her dog through the discomfort of wearing a muzzle (never mind the cats discomfort).

Thats grand then, her choice, if she doesnt wish to respect the rules of someone elses home and would prefer to stay away - let her!!

I fail to see the problem??

What does come across is 3 adults (you and your parents) are acting like scared children around another adult. Why have you all given her that power?

not worth waking the dragon

? Seriously? I cannot believe that 3 people would let one persons moodiness and general childishness rule the roost like that! Tell her whats what and who cares if she has a tantrum? Tell her to get out if she does! Stop pussy footing around and letting her bully and manipulate the family!

x Purple Pawprints x

I would agree with most of the opinions on here. She's being very inconsiderate. You really should insist that the dog wear a muzzle seeing as your vet suggested it. Muzzles aren't uncomfortable for the dog. I think you should try what Vladamir Kurtains suggested, try going the animal welfare route with her. If she really is so concerned with the welfare of animals I can't really understand why she's acting so indifferent.

offline

You can try and post this issue on the Animal & Pet Issue form as well .
There is some very knowledgeable people on that forum , which might be able to help you with some great advise .

Sorry about your poor cat.

Taltos

As username123 said there is only once clean and clear way to approach this.

"Your dog CANNOT enter this house".
End of.

If you and your parents are too scared to go this far.
"You dog CANNOT enter this house without a MUZZLE and on a LEASH".

I'm sorry but you are all adults and it is ridiculous for you all to really live in fear of confrontation - yes it might blow up - but do you really want to risk another pet being killed by her lack of control of her own pet?

I think you all need to use this as an opportunity to reset boundaries and relationships within your family, it sounds like your sister has been allowed to ride rough-shod over others for far far too long.

Firetrap

Your sister has been getting away with murder for years and is trampling all over the lot of ye. You need to draw a line in the sand here and tell her she can't visit with that greyhound. Plain and simple. She is so much in the wrong here that words fail me.

She's 32 years of age and it's high time she grew out of that tiresome anarchist sh!t.

curlzy

Hey OP,

To be honest I'm absolutely horrified. As a huge animal lover, (I have a turtle, a pygmy hedgehog, guinea pigs, a snake and 2 cats), I am just disgusted that another "animal lover" could wantonly demand that you endanger your animals for hers!!! I mean WTF! She's already killed an important family member (by not controlling her animal), a cat you've had for 12 years IS a family member, and yet she refuses to ensure that the others are safe. That level of selfishness is verging on sociopathic!! She knows better than the vet does she, even though she witnessed the grey hound killing the cat??? I'm sorry OP but you sister sounds like a narcissistic, arrogant, scumbag.

Honestly OP, you and your family's responsibility as pet owners is to keep them safe and healthy and having an un-muzzled aggressive greyhound in the house is not keeping them safe. Please use common sense and stop bowing down to that witch. I get that you want an easy life and she's very difficult but at the end of the day being soft and weak is beyond useless to the rest of your animals, they can't stick up for themselves here, so you guys are going to have to grow a pair and stand up to her. If she wants to sulk and stay away let her, at the end of the day if you can't/won't keep your animals safe you shouldn't have them.

Best of luck

I am a friend

The ridiculous thing Is that neither you or your parents will stand up to her. That's nuts!!

Danniboo

It's times like this that I really wish that the animal safety laws were as strict here as they are in the UK. OP I honestly can't believe you won't stand up to your sister on this. What kind of warped person is she, that she doesn't show any remorse towards what the dog has done and refuses to put a muzzle on him. Animal lover my a**e. If it were me in her shoes I wouldn't dream of bringing the dog around to your parents house again, after what he did. I know its her fault and not the dogs, but talk about insult to injury.

If you and your parents aren't going to get this issue sorted then you should give your animals to a better home because you too are indirectly putting them in danger by allowing your sister bring the dog around to the house.

Neyite

Op you need to see that she will not change until you and your parents stand up to her. Up until now, all she has to do is throw a tantrum and she gets her way. A toddler, in other words. She has learned that it works very effectively and she has almost literally, gotten away with murder. Why should she change her temperment as it clearly works very well in her favour? Only by being shown that her way of treating you is unacceptable will she see that she needs to adapt in order to remain part of your close-knit family.

I am not a massive animal lover - but even I would not want to see someones pet hurt. She has gone too far now. You, along with your parents need to stand your ground. The correct way to deal with this is to ignore tantrums and strops and reiterate it like a mantra: your dog is only welcome when muzzled. if she chooses to stay away, let her. She will miss you in time and have the sense to do what you ask

ncmc

You have two choices here OP, you can continue to allow your sister get her own way, like she has done for the last 32 years, or you can stand up to her. Trust me, I am very non confrontational as well and I know how hard it can be to stand up to someone like your sister. I’m not saying it will be easy, but if you let her away with this, she will walk all over you all for the rest of her life. You and your parents have contributed to her bad behaviour by not standing up to her, you can’t change the way you have enabled her behaviour in the past, but you can draw a line in the sand and say ‘no more’.

Let’s look at what happened here:
- She brought the dog in without a muzzle, even though she knew there was a chance he would attack one of the other animals.
- After the inevitable happened and the dog killed a beloved family pet, she showed practically no remorse.
- She now refuses to come to the house because you and your parents want to prevent another tragedy by getting the dog to wear (a totally painless and harmless) muzzle.

Read the above, several times if necessary. What does your sister sound like? She sounds like a selfish, sociopathic, childish, bullying bitch. You and your parents need to stop this now.

I have no doubt she will stop calling over, but if you hold your ground, there is some chance she will re-evaluate herself. If you stand by and do nothing, then she is only going to get worse and worse as she gets older.

Best of luck, and condolences on the loss of your cat.

beks101

I just feel so bad for your poor cat

And your parents for having to lose a beloved family pet so violently. I'm not a huge animal lover but we had a cat for eighteen years and I swear she was like a sister to me, I was traumatised when she died. My parents doted on her too as I'm sure yours did and it's just not acceptable that she had to be sacrificed because of your sister's selfish, and frankly, unstable behaviour.

I'd echo another poster's sentiments about her attachment to the greyhound being weird. Given her personality, it sounds to me like it's more about her own personality, priding herself on being left-of-centre and rebellious and 'fighting to the death for a cause' than actually caring so much about the animal's well-being. Same with the refusal to muzzle the dog.

I'm completely disgusted and appalled that she hasn't even apologised for indirectly causing the death of your cat. If I had done the same thing I'd be distraught, traumatised and wouldn't bring the greyhound within spitting distance of the family home again, muzzle or no muzzle. Her behaviour is very telling, it speaks of a very self-centred, self-absorbed character who is used to getting her own way.

Please take on board all the advice here and do the right thing. Blanket ban her from the family home as long as she insists on keeping the dog unmuzzled. And quit humouring her, she's 32 years old and needs an almighty kick up the aRse for once in her life. On second thoughts I'm not surprised she's gotten so attached to an animal in this way, she'd be hard pushed to find a human who would tolerate her behaviour!

Firetrap

pleasemakeitgobacktnormal wrote: »

Any advice about how we can nip it in the bud would be great

From what you've described, this has gone far beyond nipping it in the bud. Your sister just upped the ante with that greyhound. I bet it ended up as s rescue dog because it has that vicious side to its nature. At the moment, that greyhound is a great vehicle for her to bully you all. And what's better than one greyhound? Two greyhounds?

Honestly, the only way to solve this is to tell her that she can't visit with the greyhound. Or if she does, it must be muzzled. If she doesn't like it, she can lump it. One side has to back down in this scenario and for everyone's good, it has to be her. She needs to be stood up to and ye need to grow some backbone.

C-J

Firetrap wrote: »

From what you've described, this has gone far beyond nipping it in the bud. Your sister just upped the ante with that greyhound. I bet it ended up as s rescue dog because it has that vicious side to its nature. At the moment, that greyhound is a great vehicle for her to bully you all. And what's better than one greyhound? Two greyhounds?

Honestly, the only way to solve this is to tell her that she can't visit with the greyhound. Or if she does, it must be muzzled. If she doesn't like it, she can lump it. One side has to back down in this scenario and for everyone's good, it has to be her. She needs to be stood up to and ye need to grow some backbone.

i have to disagree here, greyhounds are not 'vicious' by nature, they are dogs trained to race and chase the hare thats what they are bred for. 99% of dogs that end up as rescue dogs are retired race dogs, or greyhounds that have gotten an injury and so cannot race. They are lovable dogs but i think the main problem here is that the sister here refuses to muzzle the dog around the cats and small dogs, creatures which greyhounds are trained to chase.

Firetrap

Ok, so I bow to your greater authority on the nature of greyhounds. I didn't realise they also go for small dogs.

username123

Firetrap wrote: »

Ok, so I bow to your greater authority on the nature of greyhounds. I didn't realise they also go for small dogs.

As the OPs sister should know (if she is involved with greyhound charities), greyhounds are usually retired racing dogs. Part of what makes them a great racing dog is that they have an extremely strong prey drive - hence they chase the 'hare' around the track, while maybe a spaniel for instance would be far more interested in sniffing the edge of the track.

This prey drive is exploited by the people who race them and most ex racing greyhounds are just never going to be safe around small dogs or cats (or any small animal) - the prey drive gets triggered and its not usually something that can be trained out of them, as its so well embedded by the time they are retired. In addition to this a lot of ex racing greyhounds have never met a small dog before, or a cat, they dont realise that they are not prey. Some greyhounds (usually not those who were used for racing) have been raised with small animals and dont have an issue - ie, the prey drive doesnt get triggered.

Ex racing greyhounds tend to have lovely soft temperments and are obedient and quiet animals - the environment they have been raised in does not allow for bad behaviour so a grey who is troublesome is not usually kept around. They have been raised and trained to be obedient and are naturally quiet, gentle animals - and lazy too (which a lot of people find surprising). But unfortunately these traits come with the strong prey drive so if you own an ex racing grey you should be aware of this issue and keep them muzzled when there is a chance they could encounter a small dog or a cat.

In fact, its not even enough to keep them muzzled, a grey is a strong large animal and if one manages to get hold of a small animal, even wearing a muzzle, they can do considerable damage just because of their size and weight (dogs use their paws and body weight against prey as well as their teeth).

The only real solution here is to keep the greyhound away from the small animals completely. I would also advise the OP sister to educate herself on greyhounds and their nature as she is not being safe with the animal.